Archive of Our Own

"Are-are… you alright?"

You should be minding your own business. Instead, here you were in the aftermath of it all. After you watched the crowd beat and berate this clown- after you didn't do anything to stop it. Rather than that, you went to the closest store you knew and bought what you thought might help. A cold water bottle, wet wipes, a chocolate bar and painkillers. Whatever can help, right? Who were you kidding, you can barely not mumble every word that left your mouth.

"Ah ummm." He didn't reply, just staring at you with piercing orange eyes. You felt your anxiety pick up as you knew that you were being such a creep right now, of course he was judging you. You stupidly sputter, "I… uh." and still twiddling your fingers like a child. "Just- here for you!" You unceremoniously shove the plastic bag towards him.

You didn't even help him up and you realize that too late. Your face begins to fluster as you made another social blunder, this is why you should just stay inside. You already messed this up. Look at him, you even embarrassed him too now with how he's blushing, "I'm sorry… get better-" With that you leave without a second word.

You shut the door as hard as you could, hoping to finally quiet your loud heart, each pound seems to reverberate through your chest. Drenched in sweat, feet throbbing, thighs burning, mouth dry, and already breathless you slide down to the floor as you exhausted yourself running back here.

"Oh god…"

Where it was safe.

"Fuck…"

You sat there as you try to catch your breath. You had no affinity for running nor any other physical activity no longer, the best exercise you get is when you cleaned the house and going out for errands.

Come on, you need some water.

"…ergh…"

You grab onto the nearest piece of furniture to support yourself up and continue to stumble your way to the kitchen. You didn't need to worry about the lights, you've always left them on as long as you weren't in your room.

"I forgot-"

You did. This is why I warned you. Why do you always burden us with helping people? They've never been grateful for anything you do and you just waste your time.

"I- I was just there and I…"

You forgot to buy groceries. Evidenced by the empty cabinets you left wide open, a small habit to remind yourself to go out to buy more. Funny, you were just in the store too. You clenched your fists, digging your nails in your palms as you realized your mistake. Yet as you look back at the door, you didn't find it in yourself to go out again and there was no rush really. No one else lived here. No one will care about this. No one will yell or hurt at you for forgetting such a simple task, not anymore. You're safe here.

Even if that safety meant you sleeping on your couch again, curled up with the pillows you haven't brought up to your room yet. Sleep it off, ||||||Em||||||, you can try again tomorrow.

Your body was sore and heavy, your neck aching more. You knew this would happen sleeping here but it has never deterred you, it was better than passing out on the nearest surface you couldn't get up from- your room was a no go for obvious reasons. You groan as you force yourself to move from your spot.

"What time is it?"

The nearest clock was in the kitchen.

"7:39 PM"

Hm… last you checked, the store closes at around 9 or 10.

"But it's dark."

I know but we have to get food eventually, we already skipped lunch and breakfast.

You had a questionable sense of appetite, so you had to routinely eat your meals regardless of what you felt. Routine was too generous of a word however, its more in-line to say 'Eat something around the morning, afternoon, and night'.

Regardless, either you have to brave the darkness or sleep till the morning to try again.

Who were you kidding? Of course, you weren't going to go out

Go back to sleep, ||||||Em||||||, you can try again tomorrow.

You couldn't deny this time, you were hungry and thirsty- you never got that glass of water back then. You found yourself on the recliner this time, though you couldn't actually remember getting here but that was the norm now; Your memory often failed you.

…

"…"

Get up.

"…its comfy."

Get up.

"What's the point?"

You are going to starve.

"Just 5 more minutes."

This is why we sleep on the couch, now get up.

"…"

Listen to me, you are starving right now. We have to get up before you run of energy again.

"Please… I'm so, so, so tired."

Sleeping more isn't going to help you! It never has! Just-! Argh!?

"I'm sorry."

Don't say sorry, we know you don't mean it.

"…"

You continue to stay stationary there, letting your body sink further into the chair. You know it would be so easy for you to move. To get up and buy groceries like any other normal person, you were fully aware that you're capable of it before and now. Yet look at you, pretending to be immobile as if there was any issue with you. There's no one left in your life! There's no point in acting like this anymore. So just move already!

You scratch your arm, guiltily realizing your childishness right now.

But you still don't move.

We have to get water.

"I know…"

Sigh.

"Step by step!" An old voice echoes in your mind.

"…That's not fair."

Whatever it takes to get you to move.

"…did you really have to use them?" You chew on your inner cheek.

Should we go back to religion? That worked so well.

"Uh…" That's what I thought, close your mouth, you'll catch flies. You heaved out a sigh in response, "What should I do first?'

Can you move your finger?

……

You're tapping it, good. Now your hand.

….

Don't dig into your palm but that's good. Alright… let's just work our way up to your legs, okay? Please.

"…okay."

Slowly now…

Eventually, you do manage to shamble your way into the kitchen. You still felt disoriented and the lack of food did a number on your balance. Thankfully you had enough walls and furniture as support along your way. You were just about to finally get that glass until you noticed the time. Perhaps you wanted it to be funny as you look at the clock and bursts out in delirious laughter as read "4:17 AM" on your clock. You sink onto the cold kitchen floor as you continue to laugh, theneventually sob at the same time. God, you were a mess.

You close your eyes momentarily, letting yourself drown in the moment.

Once you were done, you were back on your feet again.

'At least we paid the bills last month.' You thought to yourself as you fill your cup with tap water. At first you didn't really like the taste and you still didn't. But the alternative was you having to heave up the water gallons onto the dispenser, and worse having getting them here. You can barely clean regularly- now doing that in comparison was too laborious for you. Whatever.

You drink another glass.

This time, you awoke on the counter with the clock staring back '9:39' on its face but even stranger was the plate of pancakes in front of you.

"Did I do this?" You poke at the plate then the food itself debating whether or not it was real. It was cold but felt the soft texture and sticky syrup that was generously poured on. You furrowed your eyebrows. You often blanked out but this was beyond strange even for you. Your shelves were definitely empty and you haven't cooked at all in such a long time, unless you could count heating canned goods, microwavables and instant noodles as "cooking". So your gas may still have stove…

"huh?"

Shut.

This is how confusing this situation is presently.

You pinch the pancake to tear off a piece, squishing and mushing it to make sure it was real.

You pop the portion in your mouth, "Mmmmm…" It was cold now but you could tell it was good despite that. Such a unexpectedly sweet treat… maybe you really were losing it.

You laugh to yourself again. Perhaps you shouldn't be surprised to lose more marbles, you barely had them even in your best form- so sure, you made yourself pancakes somehow. You can't question it any further. You animalistically dig in, not even bothering to use utensils even though they were a drawer away, and just used your good ol' hands. You don't even roll or fold them, just pick up and bite them as is. Uncaring of the syrup and seemingly butter too getting on your fingers. Your parents would call you crass right now, but they never washed the dishes, so how would they know?

Most importantly least you knew this was real, that you were here. Now that you are finally slipping off the edge of sanity, who knew how long can you confidently assure that to yourself. Although, this was a long time coming, you even hoped it come sooner. So congrats.

And… maybe it's a sign to get out today, ||||||Em||||||.

[ Leave the House ]