Chapter Text
Mina was on her couch going through patient files, humming quietly to herself. She loved this time of day—work was almost over and the world felt silent. Nayeon would be home soon and they would either make dinner together or order takeout before cuddling on the couch… She smiled as she thought about it, about Nayeon. Nayeon, her wife. It’d been a few months since their wedding, but it still felt so new. She glanced down at the wedding band on her finger and her smile widened.
Just as she was about to refocus on work, her phone rang. She was surprised by who the caller was.
“Dahyun, what’s going on?” Mina answered the phone, worry already beginning to build somewhere in her stomach. While she texted Dahyun on occasion, she couldn’t think of the last time they spoke on the phone.
“Sorry to bother you,” Dahyun said, sounding truly regretful. “I just… I think I need your help.”
Mina’s heart beat immediately sped up. There was truly only one reason why Dahyun would ever need her help.
“Sana?” Mina asked, hoping she was wrong.
“Yeah.” When Dahyun confirmed it, Mina felt her heart sink. Whatever was happening had to be bad if Dahyun was reaching out for help. She was the type who carried everything by herself. “It’s just that I have to teach piano lessons all day tomorrow, but I’m hesitant to leave her for that long.”
“Of course I can come over there,” Mina quickly said. It wasn’t a big deal for her to relocate for the day, especially to the old apartment she once shared with Sana and Jihyo. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“She’s crying a lot and just… not always making a lot of sense. She keeps saying people are going to hurt her, but she never elaborates on it. Up until yesterday she was still going to work, but this had been slowly building. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just shut me down and told me she was fine. I could see she wasn’t, but she didn’t believe me, and then today she just… stopped. I can’t get her out of bed. She seems scared.” Dahyun said it all in a rush, her voice lilting up at the end.
Mina could hear the pain in Dahyun’s voice. It had been a while—years, in fact—since she’d seen Sana in that sort of state. She’d been her usual cheery, bubbly self lately. Mina had seen her only a week ago for their bi-weekly dinner. They always went to a small sushi joint, just the two of them, no partners. It was a promise they’d made to each other when Mina moved out and married Nayeon. Everything had seemed okay then.
“I’ll be there,” Mina promised. “What time do you want me to come?”
“Is eight too early? I have to take the subway and the bus and I’m so sorry—”
“Dahyun, it’s fine. It’s not too early. I would come over at 3AM for the two of you,” Mina reassured her.
“But that wouldn’t be safe!” Dahyun sounded genuinely worried at the imaginary scenario.
Mina laughed at Dahyun’s response. Of course Dahyun would worry about that.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? And call me if you need me sooner.”
“Thanks, Mina,” Dahyun said before hanging up.
Once she was off the phone, Mina was left alone with her thoughts and worries. She wanted to call Sana right then and there, but she wasn’t sure she’d pick up, and she also wasn’t sure if Dahyun was telling Sana ahead of time that she was coming over. Sometimes, that upset Sana. She always insisted she could do everything by herself. Her and Dahyun were two peas in a pod in that sense.
Mina took a deep breath. Sana needed her to be strong, and she would do anything for Sana. She would do anything.
***
Mina arrived at Sana and Dahyun’s apartment at 7:55 AM. She knocked on the door even though she had a key. She didn’t want to barge in unless it was an emergency.
When Dahyun answered the door, she wasn’t her usual composed self. She looked exhausted—deep circles under her eyes, hair frizzy and in a messy bun, clothes askew.
“Sorry, I’m still getting ready and I just…” Dahyun slumped forward a bit. “I don’t think either of us slept, honestly. She doesn’t want me to leave, but I have to.” Dahyun sounded like she was trying to convince both Mina and herself.
“Of course you do,” Mina said softly, taking Dahyun by the shoulder and guiding her back into the apartment. “You keep getting ready and I’ll talk to her.”
Dahyun nodded, beckoning Mina down the hall. Mina stood in the doorway of Sana’s room. It was dark, the curtains drawn shut. She could just make out a lump under the covers.
“Sa-tang?” Mina called out, keeping her voice quiet and level. “Are you awake?”
There was a shuffling sound from the bed, and then Mina saw Sana’s face. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide and fearful.
“Hey,” Mina said, slowly approaching the bed. She sat on the edge of it. “Dahyun said you’re having a hard time?”
“You don’t need to stay with me,” Sana said, her voice cracking. “Dahyun worries too much.”
“I want to stay with you, silly girl.” Mina scooched forward, pulling Sana toward her. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” She pushed the covers back ever so slightly, freeing Sana’s hair. She combed her hands through it, knowing this usually lulled Sana into a more peaceful state.
Sana just shook her head. Mina bit her lip, realizing this would be harder than she expected.
“Are you tired?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Sana said, her voice wobbling. “I’m really tired. I couldn’t sleep last night.”
“How about you close your eyes for a bit, then? I’ll stay right here.” She continued to run her hand through Sana’s hair.
“I can’t,” Sana whispered.
“I’m right here. You’re safe, okay?”
Sana gave Mina the slightest nod before closing her eyes. Mina watched as Sana’s features slowly relaxed and sighed in relief once she saw her friend was truly asleep. Just then, Dahyun poked her head in the doorway and gestured Mina over.
Mina was hesitant to leave Sana in case she woke up, but she realized she’d have to anyway in order to start her own work. She slowly scooted off the bed and went out in the hallway.
Dahyun looked marginally better—her hair tied back in a professional bun, her outfit of a white collared shirt, maroon vest, and brown corduroy pants all in its proper place. It was the look in her eyes that gave her away. There was so much sadness and worry there that it made Mina’s heart sink even further. She tended to only think of how Sana was doing during moments like this. Of course Dahyun was suffering, too. She felt guilty for not realizing this sooner.
“She’s in good hands,” Mina tried to reassure her friend. “I’ll check on her between my sessions and I’ll make sure she eats something.”
“Thanks, Mina.” Dahyun paused, clearly weighing if she should say something or not. “I’m really worried about her. I’m worried she won’t take me seriously and call her doctor. I… I can’t do anything if she doesn’t help herself.”
“I’ll try to talk to her,” Mina said. “You just focus on you today. Make sure you eat something?”
Dahyun nodded and said goodbye, hurrying off to catch her train. Mina took a deep breath and turned back to the bedroom. She peered in the door to confirm Sana was still sleeping, then went to the kitchen to prepare food for when Sana woke up. She poked around, trying to get a sense of what her friends had for her to work with. In the end, it was rice and vegetables. Something simple was best, Mina figured.
As she worked on the meal, her mind drifted to strategies to get Sana to open up to her. Mina was a therapist, but she never really acted like a therapist around her friends. She thought of how she would make a patient feel safe enough to disclose things they found hard to talk about, but anytime she pictured that person being Sana, she froze. It didn’t feel right, for some reason.
Mina thought back to when they were teenagers and would share anything with each other. They were all each other had, which seemed to lead to pure honesty between them. She remembered Sana talking to her about not being sure if things she was experiencing were real or not.
“Do you ever question reality?” Sana asked as they laid in Mina’s bed one night.
“Not really,” Mina said, turning toward her friend. “Do you?”
The moonlight created a soft glow, illuminating Sana’s brown eyes. “All the time.”
“What do you question?” Mina had never thought about things not being real. To her, all of her emotions felt far too real; she wished she could make them feel less dire, less real.
“Well, sometimes I start to wonder if anyone and anything is actually real, or if I’ve just hallucinated it all.” Sana stared at Mina so intently it made her squirm a bit. “Like how do I know you’re real?”
“Of course I’m real,” Mina said with a little laugh. “If I wasn’t real, could I do this?” She poked Sana’s nose, but her friend didn’t laugh.
“If I imagined you doing that, then yeah.” She was really serious about this, Mina realized.
“Hmm, but even you can’t be creative enough to predict everything I do or say, or that anyone does and says for that matter. When you learn new facts, they’re things you had no way of knowing, right?”
“But I could make them up and think they’re real or new, when really, I’m just—” She stopped, the frustration clear in her voice. “Sorry, this is crazy. I know it is.”
“Your feelings aren’t crazy.” Mina was a bit scared when she realized she didn’t have her usual power to comfort Sana. “But you have to believe me when I tell you I’m real, and everyone around you is real.”
“Okay.” From the way Sana said it, Mina could tell she didn’t actually believe her. But Mina pretended she didn’t notice and just hugged Sana tightly. She hoped that in the morning, everything would be okay again.
Years later, she realized that was a naive hope to have.
Had Sana really held onto that belief all of this time? Mina shook her head as she stirred the veggies and rice together. She’d have to wait until Sana woke up to find out.
Mina took her laptop and white noise machine into her old bedroom. There was a futon there now for whenever someone stayed over. Mina, ironically, had yet to stay there. It felt weird being in her old room without any of her things there. She walked over to the window and took in the familiar view below. She found comfort in watching people go about their everyday lives. There were many nights she couldn’t sleep spent watching strangers hurry home, stagger home, get taxis… They hadn’t know, but they were her comfort. They took her out of her own thoughts and made her feel less alone. Now, her apartment with Nayeon looked out onto an alley. It was quiet. The most she ever saw there was a kid unlocking their bicycle from the gate or a stray cat chasing a squirrel. It was nice in its own way, but she still missed her old view.
She set up her white noise machine and got herself situated at the desk she’d left behind. It was small, and she and Nayeon had secured a larger one when they moved out. It was the only piece of furniture from her left in the room.
She logged on and reviewed her patient notes for her first session of the day, which started in fifteen minutes. Once she felt ready, she went to check on Sana one more time.
Sana was still asleep, still in the same exact position. Mina wondered if she should leave a note so Sana knew she wasn’t alone, and when Mina would be back with her. She hurried to the kitchen and pulled out a sticky note.
Hey Satang~
I have sessions all morning, but a lunch break from 12 to 1. I’ll try to peek in on you between sessions, but if I can’t, please eat some of the rice and veggies I made. They’re in the fridge.
-Mina
She stuck in on Sana’s phone, where she would be sure to see it first thing when she woke up, and then hurried back to her old room.
She saw the patient was already in the virtual waiting room, so she let them in, and her day began.
***
Much to Mina’s dismay, every patients’ session ran up to or slightly over time that day, leaving her without a chance to check on Sana. When noon hit, she logged out and raced to Sana’s doorway. When she saw her friend was still asleep, she frowned. Dahyun had said they hadn’t slept all night, but if Sana just slept through the day, the same thing was bound to happen all over again.
Mina took a deep breath and entered, sitting on the bed next to Sana before gently shaking her shoulder.
“Hey,” Mina whispered. “It’s time to wake up, sleepyhead.”
“Hmm?” Sana groaned, turning over. “Mina? You’re still here?” She sat up, rapidly blinking her eyes as if they were deceiving her.
“Of course I am,” Mina said. “I told you I’d stay, didn’t I?” She smiled at Sana, but Sana didn’t smile back.
“You really didn’t have to. Dahyun’s too worried over nothing.” Sana sounded defensive. Mina really had her work cut out for her.
“Why do you think Dahyun’s worries are unfounded?” Mina settled in to show Sana she wasn’t going anywhere, her eyes trained on her friend’s.
Sana sighed. “I just… no one believes me. She thinks I’m crazy.”
“I can’t imagine Dahyun saying that,” Mina said.
“She didn’t. She doesn't have to. I already know!” Frustration seeped out of Sana’s voice.
Mina wasn’t sure if she should keep pushing back on Sana, so she decided to switch directions.
“What is it that no one believes?” Mina made sure to keep any judgement out of her voice, but Sana still jumped on her.
“You’ll just think the same thing as Dahyun.” She crossed her arms and turned away from Mina.
“Try me.” Mina attempted to keep things light and, from the way Sana’s shoulders sagged a bit, she thought she might be succeeding.
“I feel like bad things are going to happen,” Sana whispered. “I just have this feeling, but no one believes me.”
“What are the bad things?” Mina encouraged her.
“Someone is going to hurt me,” Sana said. “I just know it!” Sana glanced around the room. “But no one believes me.”
“I believe you think that,” Mina said carefully. “But is there any proof of this?”
Tears began to fill Sana’s eyes. “I don’t know about proof,” Sana said.
“Without proof, then it’s just a worry, Sana,” Mina said softly. “You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you.”
Sana shook her head. “I knew you wouldn’t understand.” She pulled away from Mina. “No one does.”
Mina bit her lip. She’d made Sana feel alienated, which was the last thing she wanted to do. She kicked herself at being so bad at helping her friend. Sana, who’d done so much for her. And she couldn’t even be there for her.
“I’m sorry, Sa-tang. I understand that you’re scared, and I really want to be there for you.” Mina reached out for Sana’s hand. “Please, let me help you?”
Sana hesitated, but then put her hand in Mina’s. “Okay,” she whispered. “But how?”
“First, by getting you something to eat.” Mina knew Sana had a habit of not eating when she was upset like this, and that just made her spiral worse.
Sana started to shake her head, but Mina tugged her hand.
“I need someone to eat with on my lunch break,” Mina said with a small smile.
Sana slowly smiled back at her. “Don’t you eat alone like every day?” She teased Mina.
“Even more reason for you to eat with me today. Make me a little less pathetic.” Mina stood, encouraging Sana to come with her.
When Sana followed, Mina breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe she was making progress. Maybe she could do what she promised Dahyun, afterall. Maybe all wasn’t lost.
***
Mina held her last few sessions of the day after making Sana promise she’d hang out in the living room and binge watch her favorite drama. When Mina finished, she came out to find Sana hugging a pillow to her chest, eyes glued to the TV.
“What are we watching?” Mina asked, sitting next to Sana.
“Hotel Del Luna, of course.” Sana smiled at Mina. “But I think I’ve had enough TV for the day.”
“How are you feeling?” Mina asked, a bit afraid of the answer.
“I know what you and Dahyun want me to do,” Sana softly said.
“What do we want you to do?”
“Call my doctor.” Sana looked down at her hands clasped around the pillow. “You think it’s all in my head. Maybe it is, but it feels real.”
“Just make an appointment?” Mina said the words before she could rethink them. She had to take the risk.
Sana slowly nodded. “I’m tired of worrying everyone.” She looked up at Mina. “I’m really sorry, Mina.”
“I’m really sorry, Mina,” Sana cried into the phone. “I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to come home.”
It was Sana’s first year of college and Mina’s last year of high school. They were apart for the first time, and Mina had a feeling Sana was keeping her true feelings from their other friends and her parents.
“You don’t have to apologize,” Mina said. “I’m here for you.” She wasn’t sure what else to say. Did she tell Sana it was okay to come home? Was it okay to come home?
“I know I need to stay,” Sana said as if she’d read Mina’s thoughts. “But it’s just so hard. There’s so much coursework and New York City is colder than home this time of year. I miss being on the beach with you on a random Saturday, just watching the waves come in and out.”
“Aren’t you right by the ocean?” Mina asked, a teasing lilt in her voice.
“It’s not the same,” Sana whined. “You’re not here.”
A silence took over the line for a moment.
“Next year, I will be,” Mina said firmly. She’d known from the moment Sana decided to go to school in New York City that she would follow her there.
“I can’t wait.” Sana sounded a bit cherrier. “Just talking to you helped. Tell me a bit about you now, please?”
Mina smiled. “Well, yesterday I…”
Mina saw the girl who’d once called her, homesick, from this very same city all those years ago. “You have nothing to apologize for,” she reassured her. “I’m your friend, Sana. I want to be here for you.”
Sana just nodded, clearly not believing her.
“Should we order in tonight? What’s Dahyun’s favorite takeout spot, lately?” Mina tried to keep her voice bright, but it didn’t seem to be lifting Sana’s spirits.
“She likes this Indian place at the moment. The vegetable korma is her favorite.” Sana’s voice was dull. “She won’t be home until eight, though, and you don’t have to—”
“I’m staying, Sana.” Mina cut her off. “I’ll stay tonight if you want me to. You can’t get rid of me.” She reached out and poked Sana’s cheek. “I’m here to stay.”
Sana smiled a bit, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
Mina set about placing the order, but first, she texted her wife.
Mina: hey honey, do you want some indian food for dinner?
Nayeon was probably commuting home from work on the bus right now, so Mina expected a rather swift reply so long as she had cell service.
Nayeon: HELLO MY DARLING 😍
Nayeon: yesssss bb grl pls
Nayeon: u know my order 😉
Mina chuckled. The way Nayeon could make her laugh so easily was one of her favorite things about her.
Mina: you got it, honey ♥️
Mina: I’m still with Sana, so I’ll be home a bit late
Mina: or how about you stop by and get it?
Nayeon: anything to see my beautiful wife
Nayeon: WIFE
Nayeon: I’ll never be tired of saying that
Nayeon: WIFE WIFE WIFE
Mina chuckled, shaking her head.
Mina: okay my wife, see you soon!
She placed the order then turned around expecting to see Sana, but the kitchen and living room were empty. She hurried down the hall, glancing in each room as she went.
“Santang?” She paused in the doorway of what was now Sana and Dahyun’s room.
Sana was sitting on the bed, her back to the door. Only after staring for a moment did Mina realize her shoulders were shaking. She rushed over to her friend, sitting on the bed next to her.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Sana just shook her head.
“You’re okay,” Mina said, pulling her friend close. She wracked her mind for what to do next. She wasn’t sure what happened to make Sana cry like this, but she also knew nothing had to happen.
“I’m crazy,” Sana said, her voice cracking.
“No, you’re not,” Mina said firmly. “You’re not.”
Sana just shook her head, pulling away from Mina and curling in on herself.
“You’re just having a hard time,” Mina said, her voice gentler. “It’ll get better.”
‘I’m too scared to sleep,” Sana said.
“Let’s not think about sleeping yet,” Mina said. “Let’s get dinner, okay? It should be here soon, and Dahyun will be here soon, too.”
Sana nodded.
‘Come on.” Mina stood up, offering her hand to Sana. Sana paused, but then she took Mina’s hand with a sigh.
Mina got Sana back into the living room, set up on the couch, when there was a knock on the door. She opened it to reveal Nayeon, a huge grin on her face.
“There she is!” She threw her arms around Mina, burying her face in her hair. “I missed you all day!”
Mina laughed, hugging Nayeon back. “I missed you, too, Nayeonnie.”
Nayeon pulled away and waved to Sana. “I’m just here to collect some food,” she said. She glanced at Mina, and Mina just shook her head ever so slightly. She could tell Sana probably didn’t want more company. Sana just smiled back with a little wave, confirming Mina’s thoughts.
Luckily, the DoorDasher with the food was practically right behind Nayeon.
“Thanks,” Mina said, taking the food and bringing it and Nayeon further into the apartment. She pulled out Nayeon’s order and handed it to her. “I’ll see you at home?” She leaned forward, kissing Nayeon softly.
“Yes please,” Nayeon whispered against her lips before kissing her again.
Mina could tell Nayeon wanted this to go on for quite some time so she playfully pushed her away. “I’ll see you then, honey.”
Nayeon pouted, but she took her food and left. Mina pulled out her order and Sana’s order and brought them into the living room. She set it in front of Sana, who just looked at it, then looked at Mina.
“I figured we should eat before Dahyun since she gets home so late, right?”
Sana nodded, picking up the food. They ate in silence, Hotel del Luna playing in the background, but neither of them were really watching. Even though the situation was difficult, silence with Sana was never uncomfortable. Mina thought back to all the times they’d spent time together without saying much, one time especially on her mind.
After Mina came home from the hospital, Sana was constantly there with her. She’d often sneak in through Mina’s window at night and sit at the foot of Mina’s bed, her desk chair pulled up against it. Mina often woke up to Sana curled up, slumped over, sleep finally winning out. She’d shake her friend awake and make her come to bed with her. She never told Sana, but she was her lifeline that summer. She never told Sana because she couldn’t find the words, but also because she knew she didn’t have to. Sana knew. She just knew.
Mina looked over to see Sana’s eyes fluttering shut. She reached out and placed Sana’s leftovers on the table, then pulled her toward her, resting Sana’s head in her lap. It wasn’t long before her friend was fully asleep, Mina’s fingers entangled in her hair.
Mina lost track of time, so when the door opened, she jumped a bit, startling Sana awake.
“Hey,” Dahyun said as she took off her shoes and placed them by the door. “Sorry I’m home so late.”
“Nothing to apologize for,” Mina said.
“How were lessons?” Sana asked, fully sitting up now.
“They were fine.” Dahyun smiled at her, and Mina could see the love and adoration in her eyes. It made her happy to see Sana had found someone who loved her as fully as she deserved, and even happier that that person was one of her childhood friends. “How are you two?”
“Good, we ate,” Sana said. “Want me to heat up your food?”
“I can do it, honey, but thank you. I’m going to go wash up, so I’ll be right back.”
As soon as Dahyun left, Sana was up, taking Dahyun’s food out of its containers and getting it ready to microwave. Mina suppressed a smile. Of course Sana would do it anyway—that’s just who she was.
When Dahyun returned, she rolled her eyes and laughed. “You’re the sweetest.” She wrapped her arms around Sana, pulling her close and kissing her forehead. “I love you, honey.”
Mina felt like it was time for her to go, but she wanted to talk to Dahyun first without making it too obvious she wanted a moment alone with her. When the microwave beeped and Sana was distracted, Mina hurried over to Dahyun.
“She’s going to call the doctor,” she whispered. “I got her to eat, but she’s afraid to sleep.”
Dahyun nodded. “Thank you so much, Mina. We both… we’re both so grateful for you.”
“Anytime,” she said. “I mean it.”
“I know you do,” Dahyun said with a small smile. “I know you must want to go home.”
“I can stay if you need me to,” she offered.
Dahyun shook her head. “I’ve got it from here. But I’ll text you, okay?”
“Are you leaving?” Sana came up behind Dahyun and wrapped her arms around her shoulders.
“Yeah, Nayeon dies of boredom if I’m gone too long. But it was really nice spending the day with you, Satang. Let’s do it again?”
“Under better circumstances,” Sana said. She let go of Dahyun and opened her arms to Mina. “I love you,” she whispered in her ear. “Thanks, Mitang.”
When Mina left, she couldn’t help but worry over her two friends. She had a feeling they were in for another sleepless night, and it pained her to not be able to help more. But once she returned home, some of her worries melted away as soon as she saw what Nayeon had prepared for her.
“Hey baby,” Nayeon said as Mina walked through the door. She was already in her pajamas, but she had a devious grin on her face. “Long day?”
“You could say that.” Mina sat on the couch next to Nayeon, kissing her.
“Mmm, as much as I like this, I prepared something for you and it’ll get cold if you don’t leave right now.”
“Leave? I just got home?”
“Leave for the bathroom. I made you a bubble bath!” Nayeon grinned at her, and Mina swore she fell in love with her even more.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Mina said, leaning in to kiss Nayeon again.
“You are pretty lucky,” Nayeon said with a wink. “Now go!”
Mina hurried off, laughing at Nayeon as she went.
As soon as she was in the tub, she sighed, and was immediately grateful to Nayeon. She could feel the tension leaving her shoulders as she relaxed. She knew that she soon she would be cuddled up next to Nayeon, drifting off to sleep in her wife’s arms. And because it was the weekend, she could stay in her wife’s arms later than usual in the morning.
When Mina got out of the tub, she drained it and dried off, dressing in the fuzzy pajamas Nayeon had chosen for her before checking her phone. There was a text from Dahyun.
Dahyun: in bed, and sleep seems possible!
Dahyun: thanks again, mina
Dahyun: goodnight!
Mina smiled, setting her phone down and nestling into Nayeon’s arms. She was relieved Sana was going to call the doctor, and that sleep seemed likely for her and Dahyun tonight. Mina, for one, was exhausted. With Nayeon holding her close, ghosting fingers up and down her arm, she felt herself drift off to sleep, a small smile on her face.