Work Text:
Another tour, another battle he was losing.
It´s been almost a year since Jay started to feel this way, so small, so fragile against this world. He sometimes wonders if he has chose the right path or it was just a huge mistake all along. He felt heavy in every deep breath he took before coming out to the stage, when Jungwon asked him if he was okay.
Because Jay-hyung is always fine.
He was a complete mess. A chaos that no one was supposed to hear.
Enhyphen will soon be performing in Turin. The car moves slowly, or so it seems to be for Jay. The boys are chattering, or rather shouting to each other. Jay it’s about to loose it already. Niki is teasing Sunoo, who took the bait instantly.
“Could you guys just shut the fuck up?!”
The car went silent.
Jay. The sweet Jay would never do that.
"Hyung?"
Jungwon is the first to speak. The car pulled up in front of the hotel where they would be staying. Jay was gone before anyone could even pronounce his name. Sunghoon frowned; he’s known him since the very beginning, and not even once had he behaved like that.
Jay could feel how wet his hands were. The dizziness hits him again, like an old friend returning after an eternity, knocking at his door and waiting for him. He manages to reach his room and sit on the floor. He curled up into a ball and wished to disappear.
Was this the dream he worked so hard for?
He repeated the same question over and over again. Maybe because deep down, he hoped those words to keep him sane. A soft knock on his door wakes him up from his self-absorption. The door opens before he can refuse the offer. A pair of soft hands cup his cheeks between them.
Sunghoon looks at him with worry.
Jay can feel how his muscles are relaxing, just like they did back then when they were in I-Land. He lets himself taste the softness of the moment, just for this instance.
"Hyung, we are worried about you."
"I´m fine."
"You snapped at us. You´ve never raised your voice, not once. Not even when Niki fucked your guitar up."
It was his favorite guitar, but Niki was just a kid trying to be like his favorite hyung. He never scolded him or yelled. Just accepted it; people make mistakes. They were all rookies in this so-called life, and they have no clue yet.
"It´s just the nerves of the new comeback, no worries Sunghoon."
Sunghoon pulled back and looked at him. He could tell something was wrong, but he reluctantly let it be. He stood up and sighed.
"You should rest, hyung."
He left the room. Jay could tell his heart was about to collapse. Sunghoon had just caressed his cheeks so gently, so warmly that the crush he swore he had hidden deep inside himself had just flourished back as daisies do in spring.
He locked himself in the bathroom and leaned on the sink. "What is wrong with you, Jay?" "You gotta stand up and be good for them." The same voice returned after two clean nights in which Jay could sleep for more than three hours. He looked at himself in the mirror, and the only thing he could recognize was the tiredness under his eyes, the years of training... They were now all wrinkled into a paper ball, messy and meant to be thrown into the nearest trash can. He washed his head with cold water.
"Wake up, Jay." He couldn´t be like this, weak and fragile. He will be the perfect hyung. Always the reliable one. He looked in the mirror one last time before leaving the bathroom.
By the time he goes out, it’s already midnight. It’s cold.
He rummages through his pockets, then pulls out a small box of cigarettes. He can hear Jungwon´s voice in his head, scolding him for even glancing at those cigarettes. But the smoke makes him alive; he found relief in something so threatening, so lethal.
He walks into the rear of the hotel. There is a nice garden, lit with some candles, and a beautiful lake in the center. The breeze makes Jay shiver.
Jay took a long drag before sitting down on the ground. The grass was damp; it felt refreshing somehow. The cigarette rested between his fingers.
“You smoke.”
Then Jay felt his body go numb.
Sunghoon sat by his side. Jay did not meet his gaze.
Sunghoon swept the cigarette away from his fingers. When they met, the brush was so gentle, so subtle, it made Jay´s cheeks turn a little red.
"What is happening to you, Jay?"
"Nothing."
Jay wanted to scream. From all the people in the world, Sunghoon would be the only one he would trust with his own life. The only one he would open his heart out. But Jay never learned how to communicate that way. For him, speaking about his feelings was the hardest language any human being could ever create.
“This shit is going to kill you one day.”
“Aren't we all going to die anyway?”
"You weren´t like this."
Jay stayed silent. What was he supposed to say? That he changed so much he couldn´t even recognise his own reflection?
"People tend to change."
"I´ve known you for years. You don´t."
That was it.
For the boys, Jay was like some kind of pillar, always guiding them. Jungwon was the leader who told them whether they were doing it right. Heeseung was the eldest, always giving advice and supporting his members. But Jay was the one everyone relied on.
He was always someone to look up to. He was standing there, on some imaginary plinth, so tall and invincible. So high no one could reach him, not even if he was about to fall.
"Yeah."
"I mean, look at you, you look so..."
"Tired?"
"So close to the kind of person you always swore you would never become. Someone you would hate."
A part of him died on those words. Not because they were harsh (they actually were), but because the person who said them made it stick deep down his insides. Sunghoon, his best friend, had been his accompaniment through all these years; he had just twisted the knife. Jay stood up quickly and left. He said a weak goodnight before fading into the night.
Sunghoon wondered what was happening to his friend. Why did he not tell him what was haunting his heart? He could cure everything that was making Jay suffer. Not because he had a solution for everything, but because he would pour all his heart into trying to find one just to ease his pain.
In his eyes, Jay was such a precious creature. So delicate in everything he does. It hurt so much; his heart ached just with the thought of Jay hurting.
⋆✴︎˚｡⋆
Since that night, Jay had gone back to“normal” again. He was the affectionate hyung he always was.
“You seem to be in a good mood today, Jay.”
Heeseung patted his head as he walked past. They were about to perform. “You’ve done this before, Jay.” “Everything will be fine.” He could hear the roar of the fans as he stepped onto the stage. He tried to make one of his best smiles and keep on the show.
But as they were covering the first half of the concert, he felt it. That twitching on his fingers, how his heart raced fast; so fast he could swear he would die. His members were blurry, and the echoing cheers of ENGENE seemed to be miles away now. The only thing he could hear was the demons inside his chest.
It was suffocating.
He clenched his fists before the last song.
“Fate.”
The company had decided to change the setlist and make that song the show’s closure. He began to speak, moving around the stage. But the sensation wouldn’t go away.
He was about to sing his part when he felt it. His voice was gone.
His vision dizzy.
The concert ended; lights went down. Sunghoon led him backstage; his grip was gentle.
Sunghoon pinned Jay against the wall and rested his hands on his hips.
"You are going to tell me what is going on."
Jay tried to make an excuse, but Sunghoon knew better.
"Don´t lie to me."
"Maybe it´s just the flu."
Sunghoon was tracing circles on his chest with his fingers.
"Do you think we are stupid? That...we don´t know?"
Jay wanted to escape, to simply disappear and hide in the comfort of being what people expected him to be.
"Do you think I don´t notice? I know every time your breathing is unsteady, how your hands tremble when you are nervous; I had memorized all of you, Park Jongseong."
Was Jay daydreaming? This couldn´t be real. Park Sunghoon played in a different league, one in which Jay would never be a player.
"Since we entered I-Land until now, we have achieved the dreams we always wished for."
Sunghoon pulled even closer. Jay could feel his breath shaky.
"Isn´t that enough for you? Are we not enough for you, Jay?"
"No."
Enhyphen is his life. Without them, he would probably not have been here by now. They were his pride, his joy, and his happiness. Jay would never blame them. Never.
"It´s not about you, guys."
"Then what is it?"
"The constant feeling of drowning, that in the end, I will somehow let you down."
Sunghoon´s traces on his chest stopped; he pulled away a little bit to look at Jay´s face.
"You´ve been carrying a weight that is not only yours."
"I´m supposed to carry it. I have to protect all of you."
Sunghoon separated completely and frowned. That was it. He finally solved the puzzle he´s been trying to complete for all these past months.
He knew Jay was someone who always tried to take care of everyone important to him. His parents were not exactly the kind of people who paid much attention to their son too often, since he had always been a very mature and well-behaved kid. He figured it out several years after they debuted, when Jay almost collapsed because Jungwon´s birthday cake was not made with blue sparkles (Jungwon´s favorite color).
But he always thought Jay was just a little too perfectionist.
Not once did he think it was because he was taking the role of a lifesaver.
"Since when do you feel this way?"
"I don´t know, I just blinked, and it became a routine. Niki started to trust me with his insecurities; Jungwon tries to find validation in my words after he made every leadership decision; Jake looks at me every time he makes a bad movement in the research room, as if I am some kind of God of dancing."
Jay could feel his legs shaking. He slips down the wall and sits on the floor.
"You can´t waste your life trying to please others."
"I know no other way."
Sunghoon sat by his side and rested a hand on Jay´s knee. Jay couldn´t meet his gaze.
"You don´t need to save everyone."
"Of course I need to! I-If not, I won´t deserve it."
"Deserve what?"
"Be part of the group."
Oh.
Oh.
Sunghoon could swear his heart was tearing apart.
He cupped Jay´s face in his hands and held it like it was the most precious treasure in the whole sea.
"You don´t have to demonstrate your value by taking care of us. We love you as you are. You are our member, our guiding light, but we suffer if we see you struggling like you have these past months."
That was more than enough to break Jay apart.
"But I´ll be worth nothing if I let you in. I´m full of toxins, full of remorse. I´m not like you, Sunghoon."
Jay was far beyond being flawed; for Sunghoon, he was damaged, yes. But he turned that damage into beauty, and in such a warm way of loving. He could tell all the times he thought Jay was like a kind of angel sent to the Earth, and he was so lucky to have tasted a little bit of his light. Only a bare glimpse of it.
Sunghoon did not wait any longer before kissing Jay.
His lips were soft, trembling. Sunghoon pulled away and rested his forehead against Jay´s.
"Park Jongseon, you could be 'poisoned' as you claim to be, but I was cured just meeting you."
Jay felt tears in his eyes, and for the first time in months, he let them out. He cried so hard that he did not know when he fell asleep in Sunghoon´s arms. But he felt safe, so that doesn´t matter anymore.
⋆✴︎˚｡⋆
The members were already on the plane; they will take off very soon. Jay is sleeping on Sunhoon´s shoulder, their hands interwined.
Jungwon is the first to notice. He smiled.
"Did you reason with him?"
Sunghoon nodded.
"Is he going to be fine?"
"He is trying to let us in, and I think him now sleeping while knowing Niki is about to stain his shirt with that ice cream is a valid proof of it."
Jungwon sighed in relief. Two birds killed with one stone. His hyung would take care of himself from now on, and the weird situation or whatever state of affairs they were in, it was now solved.
"Niki! Look at you, you got dirty all over your shirt."
Heeseung slapped Niki on the neck and tried to clean his clothes.
Jay nuzzled in Sunghoon´s neck and smiled.
Sunghoon kissed his head softly.
Yup, they were definitely two idiots. But at least they were in love.