Work Text:
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Harry: the olds at the 118 are planning a drinking night that i'm not invited to on friday
Ravi: pls stop calling us the olds
Harry: stop planning meet ups i can't attend
Chris: is there a reason you're telling us this or do you just want me to prepare to see my father white girl wasted
Harry: oh yes!
Harry: can 2nd gen plan a movie night or something so i don't get fomo
May: that depends will the hans + theo be in attendance? idk if i can watch frozen again
Harry: let me ask cap
Chris: can we watch project hail mary?
Denny: no
May: no
Harry: no
Harry: no littles btw, bobby and mom are watching them
Chris: why do you guys hate me?
Denny: because you've made me watch that movie three times already
May: mara is too young for project hail mary!!!
Chris: mara watched you close an open head wound using the ladies hair she can hear the word fuck
May: too young for the group chat means too young for project hail mary
Chris: boooooooo
Chris: it's a cinematic masterpiece
Harry: if you're that passionate about it let's put it to a vote
Chris: noooooooo guys i can't keep living like this
Ravi: chris i'll vote with you i loved project hail mary
May: you don't have a vote
Ravi: why???
Chris: oh lord here we go
May: we have a very strict voting system in this groupchat
Chris: ravi you haven't been here long so you haven't seen a vote yet
Ravi: do i not get a vote because i'm not a nepo
Denny: well yes, but also
May: it's a weighted voting system, your vote has more weight if you have a queer parent
Denny: so i have the most voting power
Harry: which usually works out because denny is the most sensible of us
May: harry and i get one vote, denny gets two and chris gets an honorary vote
Ravi: why an honorary vote?
Chris: i have a bisexual buck
Denny: duhhhh
Ravi: can i ask how this voting system happened?
Harry: are you saying you don't want to honor queer parenthood 🤨
Ravi: i-
Denny: canceled
May: #raviisoverparty
Ravi: wait does personal queerness give you extra votes bc if so i'd get a vote
Chris: no ❤️
Ravi: wait why?
May: because when we made these rules chris and denny were babies, and they don't need to speed run their sexuality just to get votes
Chris: i was fully 13 btw, not an infant
Harry: plus it fucks with our system, denny having the most votes is what keeps us in harmony, he's like the avatar
Ravi: does mara get a vote?
Denny: if it involves her, and next year we'll probably add her to the groupchat
May: we're not in the business of disenfranchising women ravi
Chris: just in the business of disenfranchising me
Ravi: so is mara not the avatar
Harry: she's literally korra, are you dumb?
Denny: ravi i know this is confusing but please just accept that this is how it works
Ravi: ok one more question
Chris: if it's about the rainbow elephant that lives in my house don't ask
May: votes are assigned by OUT parents, no coming out, no vote
Denny: so even though certain parental figures are…. like that… their child doesn't get a vote until they're publicly out
May: it just keeps things fair
Harry: yeah if we went on vibes may and i would get at least a half point for whatever bobby's got going on
Chris: please stop talking about chobby
Harry: no! i know they did it i just can't prove it
Ravi: chobby as in CHIM and bobby?!
Harry: there's a spark there i swear to god
May: harry believes that before my mom and bobby got together chim and bobby hooked up
Harry: nasty style
Denny: please stop you absolute heathen
May: ANYWAY movie vote, i'm putting forward pitch perfect
Chris: just vote, just vote, I already know i'm gonna lose just vote
Harry: i'm going with project hail mary
May: pitch perfect
Denny: mara says pitch perfect
Chris: denny, my friend, my brother in arms, the hen to my chim, please
Harry: hen to my chim is crazy
May: it's not like he can say the buck to my eddie
Ravi: would be crazy to be added to this groupchat and find out that denny and chris are also in a weird homoerotic situationship
Chris: denny i'm willing to enter a years long weird situationship if you vote with me here
Denny: well that solidified my decision
Denny: we're watching pitch perfect
Chris: fuck
Chris: i can't keep living like this
Chris: i need a gay parent
Chris: wait—
Denny: chris no
Ravi: chris yes
Chris: guys it's time to get my father out of the closet
May: i don't think you get to make that decision
Ravi: someone has to
Harry: may you don't have to work with eddie
May: i literally did, we were coworkers before you and him were
May: eddie is my favorite coworker of all time
Ravi: i'm telling josh
Chris: please don't bring josh into this, my dad has such weird beef with that guy
May: yeah that was a diva off for the ages
Denny: josh is the reason buck asked his ex boyfriend to move in
Chris: that was JOSH'S FAULT?!
May: literally how do you know that
Denny: i'm a chill guy people tell me stuff
Harry: so true though, if our life was a tv show denny would be the one able to break the fourth wall
May: if our life was a tv show it would get canceled for lack of realism
Ravi: no way, our ratings would be crazy imagine if beenado happened on my tv screen instead of in my city. i'd eat that shit up
Chris: can we circle back to getting my dad out of the closet
May: no, i simply can't help you with that
Chris: you just don't want to lose voting power
Chris: this groupchat is gerrymandered and i'm going to do something about it
May: chris i studied the law everything is above board, no taxation without gay representation
Chris: that doesn't even make sense, like even within the context of the joke that makes no sense. this is why you can't be a lawyer
Harry: clocked
Denny: harry maybe you're not in the best position to speak on this topic
May: cough* high school drop out cough*
Harry: listennnn
Chris: alright enough of this, i'm starting operation: make my dad gay
Chris: who is in?
May: no
Denny: no
Harry: no
Ravi: me
May: ravi…
Ravi: no, but i will say if you get your dad and Buck together you'll have two votes
Chris: holy shit, ravi you're a genius
Two and a half men
Chris: hi guys!
Buck: hi chris!!!
Eddie: An exclamation point… please remember that I don't get paid until this Friday
Chris: ha you're too funny dad
Chris: anyway! i was thinking we should do something together wednesday on your day off
Buck: that's a great idea! we could go to the zoo or to a museum and i could cook something special afterward
Chris: actually! the art museum near Denny's house is doing a cool exhibit on queer history through art. i thought we could go to that? Plus they have a kids section for Theo
Buck: omg i wanted to go to that but i didn't have anyone to go with
Eddie: Why didn't you invite me? You know I'm always down to hang out with you Buck
Buck: oh um, well i didn't think it was really your scene
Eddie: Oh
Eddie: Well I would have gone
Chris: well now we're all going!
Chris: i think it will be a great experience for all of us
Chris: Buck you should come over after work and we can plan an itinerary
Eddie: We need to plan to go to the art museum?
Buck: shhhh eddie let chris and I handle this, don't you worry your pretty little gelled head
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: guys i'm fucking nailing this getting buck and my dad together thing
Denny: when this ends badly don't come crying to me
Chris: you never support my dreams 🥀🥀🥀
Harry: trouble in paradise…
Ravi: chris if you manage to get this done you'll be a legend
Chris: it's practically done already buck called dad pretty and he blushed
Chris: and we're going to an queer art museum this weekend
Chris: it's so in the bag
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Eddie: Hey Chris, I just wanted to check in about the art museum
Eddie: I think it's great you wanted to learn more about LGBT history, just wanted to say if there's anything you ever wanted to talk about I'm here and I love you so much
Eddie: I know you mentioned that the museum is near Denny's house, so if you wanted to bring him… or anyone else special in your life, just let me know
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: nevermind i do not have this in the bag
Chris: dad thinks i'm gay and in love with denny
Denny: ❌❌❌
Denny: i do not claim this negative energy
Harry: i'm screenshotting this for your wedding
May: wait how did you fuck up so badly that your dad thinks you're in love with denny
Chris: unimportant
Chris: how do i come out as straight to my dad???
Denny: you want him to come out as gay to you but you don't know how to come out as straight to him
Chris: it would appear that way yes
Chris: alright locking in
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Chris: Dad I'm not gay
Chris: not that being gay is bad!
Chris: it's good, great even!
Chris: just not my cup of tea, cup of juice one might say
Eddie: OK?
Chris: so just to finalize this convo i'm not gay, but being gay is good and if anyone else were gay that would be cool!
Chris: #ally #fistemoji
Eddie: Are you having a stroke? Come in here and raise both your arms for me
Chris: stroke free! just a silly goose haha
Chris: alright gotta go Denny's calling
Chris: in a straight way
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: totally nailed it
Chris: but on an unrelated note Denny can you call me so my dad doesn't know i'm lying
Denny: i suppose
Harry: Chris your dad just texted me a screenshot of the conversation and said "is this how kids these days talk???"
Harry: i told him yes, and it seems like he's got a normal heterosexual son on his hands
Chris: fuck
May: you're doing a bad job at this, like really bad
Chris: I KNOW
Chris: but i wasn't raised to sit by when an injustice is being committed
Ravi: well that's just not true
Harry: chris yesterday you told me that i was too poor to speak on an issue
Chris: you sent me a venmo request for three dollars worth of gas
Harry: well yes
Denny: chris what was your actual plan to get buck and eddie together
Chris: oh we're going to the art museum and they have an art exhibit on queer identities and it'll awaken something in him
May: does your dad like art?
Chris: not really
Denny: so why would that awaken something in him? he's surrounded by queer people all the time
Chris: you flops don't get it
May: chris I'm willing to help you if you give one of your votes to me
Chris: i won't need your help i've totally got this
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: i no longer got this
Chris: dad really thinks i'm gay
Chris: we're at the museum and he keeps saying all these weirdly supportive things
May: for the price of one of your votes i can fix this
Chris: no i can handle this
Denny: chat i don't think he can handle this
Chris: there's this really cool painting about two guys who were best friends and then became lovers i'm going to show dad that
Harry: it's like he doesn't hear what he's saying
Chris: alright well that went bad they both gave me the 🤨🤨
Chris: they definitely think i'm in love with denny
Ravi: at this point i kinda think you're in love with denny
Chris: oh fuck he released buck on me
Chris: dad and theo are painting rainbow flags while buck tries to tell me that everyone's journey is different
Chris: should i just tell him that he and my dad are in love
Denny: pls don't give him a panic attack at the museum
Ravi: oh lord
Harry: chris just accept May's offer
Harry: we'll get buddie canon and you'll get a vote
Chris: no fuck you i want TWO votes
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Chris: stop being cute with theo and get over here
Eddie: Theo wanted to paint
Chris: theo always wants to paint, you just wanted to leave me alone with Buck
Eddie: You and Buck haven't gotten to spend as much time together since Theo came into the picture
Chris: and Buck just so happened to want to talk to me about discovering myself and my identity?
Eddie: We're at a gay art exhibit
Chris: dad i didn't bring us here because i'm gay i took us here because SOMEONE ELSE in this family is gay
Eddie: Buck is bisexual
Chris: not Buck
Eddie: Theo is four???
Chris: kms
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: NEVERMIND MAY HELP
May: I get your vote?
Chris: you can have my Buck vote when they get together
May: hmmmm
May: deal
May: everyone i'm bailing on pitch perfect movie night i have to be evil
Harry: does this mean we don't have to watch pitch perfect?
Denny: no we're still watching pitch perfect
Chris: fuck
May: don't act like you don't know the entire finale mashup by heart
Chris: that's just a natural consequence of existing in this culture
Ravi: well yes
Chris: Buck just asked me if i knew how to access condoms if needed
Chris: i actually have to die
Denny: do they think WE'RE HAVING SEX?!?!
Denny: MAY FIX THIS
May: i can't fix it until friday i need eddie drunk
The Wilson's and their bonus child
Chris: Hi Hen and Karen
Karen: Hi Chris, what's up?
Hen: If you're asking to stay the night the answer is yes as long as you help Mara with her math so I don't have to
Chris: oh actually no i'm hanging with dad, theo and buck tonight. i actually just wanted to clarify something
Denny: are you serious rn
Chris: sorry but i can't let this spiral further
Chris: i'm not in love with your son
Mara: 😍🤨🏳️🌈??
Denny: no mara no heart eyes
Mara: boooo
Karen: Is there a reason you feel the need to clarify that you're not in love with Denny?
Hen: If you were in love with Denny we'd support you
Chris: i tried to get my dad to realize he's gay and in love with buck, but i fucked up and made him think I'M gay and in love with MY best friend
Chris: which we're not, i'm not gay and denny's way out of my league
Mara: 🤨🏳️🌈
Denny: mara hush
Hen: Well okay then
Karen: Chris honey, you can't force your dad out of the closet if he's not ready
Chris: i need him to be ready, it's a matter of voting rights
Denny: please ignore him moms
Hen: I want to know, but I also don't
Denny: Mama, he's lost his mind just ignore him
Chris: it's too hard to explain because you guys are too normal, but long story short me and denny aren't in love and my dad is in a closet reinforced with titanium
Karen: Alright then, are you still all coming here for movie night when the 118 goes out for drinks?
Chris: yes ma'am
Karen: Awesome, enjoy your time with your family
Chris: i won't, but that does give me an idea
Two and a half men
Chris: thanks for coming with us to the museum buck
Chris: even if i'm scarred for life it was nice to hang
Buck: thanks for being so good with Theo! he really loves hanging out with you
Chris: of course always nice to hang out with my little brother
Buck: oh—
Eddie: Your little brother got paint on my nice jeans though
Buck: sorry are we being serious with the little brother thing?
Chris: duh, we're a family aren't we?
Eddie: Of course we are
Buck: right!!! of course!!! love you chris. Theo loves you guys too !!!
Buck: i have to sleep!!!! gotta sleep when the baby sleeps !!!! haha okay bye!!!
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: i think i laid the groundwork with Buck
Denny: doesn't buck already know he's in love with eddie????
Ravi: no he thinks eddie's straight
Harry: does he know that someone being straight doesn't impact if you're in love with them
Harry: like how chris is in love with denny
Chris: pls die
Harry: no it's important for my special project. if you and denny get together we'll all be combined
May: explain
Harry: Chims connected to the Buckleys through marriage, the Diazes are connected to the Buckleys through an almost decade long homoerotic situationship, Bobby is Buck's adopted dad and he's married to mom so that connects the Grants. Ravis currently with my sister and if that doesn't work out i'll set him up with Chim's brother Albert. we just need to connect the Wilsons
Ravi: sorry you have plans to slut me out if me and your sister break up?
Harry: technically my plan was always to pair up you and albert but the mayravi thing threw me off
May: harry you're so weird
May: but for the record albert is hot and i would watch you guys kiss like in challengers
Ravi: noted
Harry: ew
Denny: dude you started this
Chris: can we get back to me now
Harry: no
Harry: anyway so the only two feasible ways I can think of for connecting the wilsons is denny and chris endgame or the wilson's adopt me, but i've tried that like three times
Denny: i'm SORRY ???
Harry: your moms are really good about reading papers before signing them
Chris: there's something wrong with that bald head of yours
May: ANYWAY you think you got buck to realize he's in love with eddie?
Chris: i called theo my little brother and dad agreed and i think it fried bucks brain
Ravi: nice
May: solid groundwork, i can work with this
Harry: what is your plan anyway?
May: get him so unbelievably gay off that sauce
Chris: he's been drunk before and hasn't come out
May: wellllllll
Chris: may are you telling me my father has come out to you while drunk?????!!!?
Chris: you withheld this life changing info for voting power???
May: noooo
May: but he did say something close but it's a little nsfw
Harry: share
Harry: shaRE
Harry: SHARE!!!!
Chris: pls no
Harry: chris i need the buddie lore injected into my veins, i get no bitches and all my friends are my coworkers and their children. let me have this
Denny: no bitches in a megamind way or a derogatory to women way?!
Harry: megamind obviously jfc
Denny: acceptable
Denny: and true
May: i don't want to scar chris
Harry: dOn't CARE
Harry: i know let's put it to a vote!!!!
Ravi: i have no power here, but i vote don't share. i get enough of this shit at work
Chris: DON'T SHARE
Harry: share
May: share
Chris: denny, my only friend pls think of the very little that's left of my childhood
Denny: you made it so your dad thinks we're in love, i'm never siding with you again
Denny: share
May: 4-0 (with meaningful, but ultimately useless objections from ravi and christopher)
Chris: kys
Ravi: just happy to be here 👍
Harry: get typing May
May: well we were drinking and buck and chim were leg wresting and eddie said "sometimes i wish buck would choke me out with his thighs, but i'm a firefighter so i can't really think about that right now"
Ravi: sorry did that man half quote that one nonbinary meme
Chris: EW
Chris: i know he's gay, but i didn't think about him being GAY
Chris: that's my FATHER
Chris: he birthed me
Ravi: fr?
Harry: no, ravi middlename panikkar, eddie diaz did not mpreg birth chris
Denny: ravi do you fuck with the omegaverse, be honest
Ravi: yes, next question
Chris: may are we sure that getting him liquored up is going to work?
May: now why would you doubt me
Denny: if this was a tv show this is where it would jumpcut to may's plan working
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Eddie: christopher are you aakw e
Eddie: awker
Eddie: awake
Chris: yes, father it's 10pm
Chris: i'm watching pitch perfect with the older 2nd gen, remember?
Eddie: the one with the guy i hate?
Chris: no that's the sequel
Eddie: he[s faking it >:[
Chris: dad. flula is not faking being german
Eddie: HE IS
Eddie: I JUST KNO HE IS
Chris: sorry did you need something or did you just want to rehash this argument on if flula borg is german despite him clearly being german
Eddie: He's faking but yeas
Eddie: Can i eat juice?
Chris: you want to eat juice?
Chris: i can text may to get you some juice to drink
Eddie: Metaphor… juice Buck
Chris: you want to eat buck?
Eddie: yes!
Eddie: wait no shhhh you're a baby
Eddie: Kiss buck am gay
Chris: you're gay and you want to kiss buck?
Eddie: mmmmhmmm :)
Chris: i love you and you should kiss buck
Chris: you deserve nice things dad
Eddie: njkhbgutrtesrzxfdc
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
May: so he is crying
May: idk if i can salvage this one team
Chris: that's actually my bad
Chris: but guess what BITCHES
Denny: bitches 🤨🤨🤨
Chris: guess what idiots and may who is a woman and all women are powerful
Chris: my voting power just increased!!!!!
May: isn't that my vote?
Denny: no legally your vote comes from when buck and eddie get together which has yet to happen
Denny: this is purely chris's gay dad vote
May: wait shit i lost eddie
May: ravi do you have eyes on him?
Ravi: you want the good news or the bad news?
Harry: god i wish i was there
Ravi: he just took two shots, yelled i'm gay in front of buck and hen and then crawled under the pool table to "sleep"
Harry: legend
Chris: buck status?
Ravi: bluescreened
Ravi: fully frozen in place
May: alright well that's probably enough for tonight, ravi tell buck he needs to go home with eddie so he doesn't choke on his own vomit
Ravi: not the thing eddie wants to choke on
Chris: STILL MY FATHER
Chris: JFC
Ravi: sorry sometimes i forget you guys aren't on the same comfort level as my twt oomfs
Harry: ravi on stan twitter, fork found in kitchen
Ravi: blocked
Denny: guys stop texting we need to sing along to the finale with mara
May: fuck now i have fomo
May: someone sing the pitbull part for me 🥲
Denny: it would be my honor
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Chris: good morning father, are you alive enough for me to come home
Eddie: No. Dead.
Chris: have buck get you water
Eddie: Buck's not here. Dead and alone
Chris: buck stayed the night last night???
Eddie: He left this morning. Gave me a bottle of gatorade and then told me he needed to check Theo for ticks? Then he told me like forty tick facts while trying to run out the door.
Chris: oh so he's panicking bc you're gay
Eddie: I'm gay?
Eddie: Wait no, I knew that
Eddie: Buck knows I'm gay?
Eddie: YOU know I'm gay?
Chris: you told me and buck last night
Chris: congrats by the way
Chris: this is huge for me
Eddie: Me being gay is huge for you?
Chris: i think you're too hungover for me to explain but yeah
Eddie: Cool. Gonna throw up now 👍
Chris: from drinking or stress
Eddie: Yes
Chris: well that won't do
Chris: be home in an hour pls brush your teeth before then
Chat with Buck🥸
Chris: are you done checking theo for ticks? can you give me a ride home and the four of us can have lunch?
Buck: ummm
Chris: he's small tick checkage can't take that long
Buck: it's important to be thorough
Chris: it's also important not to avoid my dad after he came out to you
Buck: you
Buck: you have no proof i'm doing that
Chris: buuuuucckkkk
Chris: what if I'M in need of a tick check?
Buck: you don't go outside
Chris: you're going to let me die of lyme disease all because you want to kiss my father on the mouth???
Buck: no comment
Chris: i'm rolling in the grass as we speak
Chris: come pick me and my tick friends up and bring me to my gay dad
Buck: be there in twenty
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: bucks picking me up in twenty bc he left the house in a bisexual panic how do i make buddie canon today
Denny: will buck bring bagels?
Chris: can't
Chris: theo's with him and the seats in the truck haven't recovered from the cream cheese incident
May: well there's your answer
Chris: huh
May: you have a little chaos gremlin at your will. recruit him
Harry: that's lowkey smart
Chris: he's chaotic neutral idk how to wield his powers for my own benefit yet
Denny: learn
Chris: die
Ravi: pls stop texting i'm so hungover i could die
Harry: no
Denny: no
Chris: no sent with laser effect
Ravi: i hate you all
Harry: your fault for dating my sister
Chris: there are consequences for dating way out of your league
Ravi: damn—
May: chris stop bullying ravi and lock in and make buck and eddie kiss
Chris: ok getting in the car now
Ravi: do we have to narrate the whole thing?
Harry: let's it put it to a vote
Denny: yes
Chris: yes
Harry: yes
May: yes
Ravi: no
Harry: hmmmmm five cumulative points to zero with a useless honorary no vote from ravi
Harry: let's continue talking LOUDLY
Denny: this is a text conversation
Harry: a guy can't be metaphorical?
Denny: i'm surprised you can spell metaphorical
Chris: asked theo if they found any ticks and turns out this fucker didn't even check him
May: ?????
Chris: now buck's pulled over on the side of the road checking us both for ticks
Harry: how did ticks come into this?
Chris: buck lied about needing to check theo for ticks so he could leave dads house this morning
May: he went with ticks???
Chris: he's a deeply flawed individual
Chris: back on the road now
Denny: wait did you have ticks?!!?????
Chat with Dad 👴🏼
Chris: will be home in ten, pucker up
Eddie: ??????
Chris: if you and buck don't figure your shit out today i'm moving in with the wilsons
Eddie: You can't live with denny if you're in love with him. I let you get away with a lot, but not that
Chris: jfc YOU'RE gay
Eddie: I KNOW
Eddie: We discussed this already
Chris: i— nevermind, get ready to kiss buck and finally earn me the voting rights that i deserve (i did trade them away to May, but that's beside the point)
Eddie: ????
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: harry good news i thought of another way to complete the family circle
Chris: the wilson's adopt ME
Denny: ew
Harry: EW
Harry: you guys can't get married if you're adopted siblings, that's just wrong bro
Chris: WE'RE NOT IN LOVE
Harry: YET
Denny: jfc
May: harry you can't push them
Harry: you're right their love needs to blossom over time. let's just hope it's less time than chris's dad
Chris: i'm going to block you
Ravi: is this chat purgatory? like will i be freed one day when i have served my time
Chris: bro gets hungover once and suddenly thinks he's on lost
Denny: dude lost spoilers
May: lost is older than you
Denny: yeah but i'm watching an australian guy on youtube recap all of the seasons and he only posts like one season a year
Ravi: your generation astounds me
Denny: chopped and unc response
Ravi: can i pls leave this chat
Chris: guys i'm home and the vibes are awkward
Chris: theo has defused the tension some by telling dad he's "so smart that ticks would never bite him"
Chris: seems like dad now believes the tick lie
Harry: ravi i'm going to pay a witch to give you lyme disease
Ravi: literally all i did was breathe bro
Chris: guys literally what do i do
Chris: the tension is THICK
May: get them to kiss, i want my votes
Denny: why do you want votes so bad?
May: torture harry and chris, why else?
Denny: real carry on
Harry: chris what's happening now
Chris: theo's asking buck to get his firetruck from my room
Chris: oh wait now he's asking dad even though buck already went to get it?
Chris: now he's sticking his matchbox car into the handle while they're in there????
May: chris you're about to be outsmarted by a toddler
Chris: they're locked in and now theo's doing a fortnite dance
Harry: i taught him that
Denny: go take theo to play or something while buddie works it out
Chris: good plan
Chris: wait bad plan, what if they defile my room???
Chat with Aunt (?) Maddie
Chris: hi maddie
Chris: theo and i locked dad and buck in my room so they can work their shit out
Chris: can we have lunch at your house
Chris: i think they're working things out rn, but i want to let them out soon so they don't start kissing on my bed
Maddie: I—
Maddie: Sure, but I'm not cooking so let's get pizza
Maddie: No Hawaiian idc if you and buck like it
Chris: deal
Chris: pls break the speed limit
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: maddie is picking me and theo up
Chris: i can kinda hear through the door and i think they're distracted enough for me to remove the racecar
Harry: they're going to have sex on your bed
Chris: NO THEY'RE NOT
Chris: oh my god i hear kissing noises
Chris: EW
Chris: i moved the car and took theo to the front yard
Two and a half men
Chris: please don't have sex on my bed
Chris: please
Chris: i have a lot ahead of me in life
Chris: please don't ruin it
Eddie: Where are you two?
Chris: maddie took pity on us and we're getting lunch with her
Buck: when will you be back?
Chris: why? planning for your sexcapades you heathen
Eddie: he's asking because you are our children and we like knowing where you are
Chris: likely story
Buck: i mean if you guys are gone for a couple hours 👀👀👀
Chris: ENOUGH
Chris: but this means you guys are officially together?!?
Eddie: Yes christopher we're officially together
Chris: you have done so much for voting rights, you don't even know this is like the equivalent of puerto rico statehood
Chris: no it's better than that it's like if the united states never touched the island with their greedy disgusting hands
Buck: ?????
Eddie: i've been told not to ask
First Responder Nepos & Ravi
Chris: god is real, buddie is canon and pineapple belongs on pizza
Denny: wrong! but yay
May: MY VOTES
May: official voting weight: harry 1, chris 1, denny 2, may 2, ravi 0 :)
Chris: one vote that was earned through blood sweat and tears!!!!!!!
Chris: i love my gay dad!!!!!!!!!!
Ravi: wait
Harry: oh lord here comes this guy
Ravi: why does chris's step parent count, but not may and harry's
May: wait
Chris: no no no
May: YOU'RE RIGHT
Harry: holy shit
May: do you know what this means
Chris: please no
May: official voting weight (updated to reflect an oversight on our part) chris 1, denny 2, harry 2, may 3 (THREE!!!)
Chris: oh my god
Chris: fuck
Chris: i hate you all
The Wilson's and their bonus child
Chris: can you guys adopt me in the name of voting rights?
Denny: NO
Mara: 🤨🏳️🌈