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Cale was curious by nature. Everyone is curious by nature. In Cale's case, and some others, his curiosity controls him more than he controls himself. Thus, he knows almost all the scandals behind the scenes happening in the industry. The dirt and gold hidden beneath contracts. The secrets and blackmails under the table. And... The discussion and fics online about him and Kim Roksu, his lovely, cool, and handsome boyfriend who pretends to be an emo kid only to turn out into the biggest touch-starved person Cale had ever met.
According to Roksu, in his defense, "Cale smells good and I'm the only one with the privilege of bedding him so I'll take any opportunity." Thus, Roksu is a certified Caleholic.
Then, there's the fics. They were interesting, featuring a lot of possible scenarios between them in TCF world—their first movie where they were cast together—or other AUs that Cale found all equally interesting. Especially the smuts. If you will. The last one was rather... Hot according to Roksu. If not annoying because—
"You have the real thing here..." Roksu murmured while he snaked his arms around Cale's waist. He felt the warmth radiating off the redhead and nuzzled his face on his neck. The latter only hummed while shamelessly scrolling through another fic. He did not bat an eye to the real thing. Roksu pouted. More like frowned, but Cale prefers to call it a pout. "Cale..."
"Shh," Cale lifted his hand and ruffled through Roksu's hair. "I'm trying to see if we can test some of these."
"..."
That was the hot thing. The deliberate ignoring was the annoying thing. Roksu only let out a breath and continued snuggling his boyfriend.
In another life, he wouldn't have done this without thinking, "It's for a cause." and ignoring the dizzying fuzziness his mind was swirling in. Roksu shifted from his position and pulled the reading redhead closer to his chest.
"I will never let go of you." He softly whispered, breathing out every single word to Cale's reddening ears.
Cale only laughed at his remark with a lovely shade of scarlet dusting his cheeks, but... if only he knew. In a life Roksu abandoned, he let go of Cale and found despair at the end of the road, but in this life—
"I will never let go of you." It was a promise he made, both from that life and in this life. He will never make the same mistake. He will never make the same mistakes.
Now, if only Cale had stopped with those fics by the time Roksu had proposed to him, then he wouldn't be in a rather… perspective changing situation. But part of Cale is thankful.
"Roksu," Cale suddenly whispered to his ear first thing in the morning, at the blink of dawn. "Wake up."
Cale was at it again. Sugaring his voice and ruffling Roksu's hair. If only Cale didn't do that then Roksu would've chosen to wake up, but he's Roksu for a reason. He's lazy and Cale is adding up to his laziness by running his smooth hand on Roksu's hair.
"Sleepy Roksu," Cale inched closer and nipped his ear causing Roksu to stir in the bed.
"Mmm..." Roksu felt his heart speed up at the gesture. He slowly stretched his one eye open only to be greeted with a smug Cale who was also looking at him with a sly pair of eyes. And that alone was enough to set the alarm off in Roksu's head. "What...?" Cale did not answer. Roksu's eyes drifted to what Cale was holding. Cale's phone with a screen revealing a familiar site. "Don't tell me you stayed up late again...?" Roksu groggily sat up. His voice was rough from sleep. Cale inched towards him and blew on his eyes. Roksu frowned. "Your breath stinks."
"Rude. I woke up early and opened AO3." Cale softly said while he eyed Roksu's lips with glazed irises. Then he pecked it. Roksu registered the instant contact and was about to lean further and deepen it, only for Cale to pull away.
Sly fox.
"Anyway..." There it is. The blush. Cale read something again. Questionable things maybe. Roksu definitely did not look forward to whatever Cale had in mind. He didn't, like really didn't. "I want you to read this and then look for me, I'll be cooking for breakfast." Cale put his phone on Roksu's hand and bolted out of the room. Seemingly enthusiastic.
Huh.
"..." Roksu debated whether he should read it or whether he should go back to sleep, but then Cale's flushed face last night while crying under him hit his mind and before he knew it, he was already opening Cale's phone with his password as Roksu's birthday.
And that was the thing he shouldn't have done... Or maybe it was for the best.
I should've said 'I love you' earlier. The summary was enough to make Roksu feel an anvil dropping inside his guts.
No.
Before that day, Roksu didn't oppose Cale reading their fic made by their fans. Cale was having fun and sometimes, Roksu too. As questionable and ironic the fic was to their real life situation. But not now, not when that fic features the past he left behind. No. His mind said.
Yet… even as his life before flashed through his mind, he can't help but click on it. He doesn't know why… perhaps because humans are naturally curious and just like Cale, in this moment, his curiosity controls him more than himself. And also, maybe… Just for the sake of seeing how much his damage had undone Cale… Maybe to punish himself. To let himself witness what his eyes couldn't at the time. And what kind of a man he was. His breath hitched as he read the story, his eyes savoring every single line. Every mention of Cale. And—
The savory tang of soup wafted through the space of their kitchen as Roksu slowly stepped inside. He can see Cale standing there, humming to himself while stirring the pan. His mind whirling back to the author of the fic. Anonymous. How stifling. Roksu felt his fist clench at the thought. Not knowing something was unpleasant, especially when it involved his life. His Cale. And considering everything his life traced back, it wouldn't be impossible that those bastards are trying to ignite something again. No. Roksu can't let that be. He left that life behind. He moved on from a life where his Cale was… gone.
“Cale,” Roksu softly called out, his voice a little rougher. He can't feel anything. Not his hand, not his feet, not his mouth, and not his eyes that wanted to trace Cale back to his space and just keep him there.
“Oh! Roksu! You're here!” Cale paused when he turned around. His eyes flashed with something Roksu couldn't quite catch. “... Why do you look like that?”
Roksu straightened up a little, just enough to not notice, but Cale clearly caught his movement and frowned.
“Is there something wrong?”
No. Don't tell him. That story is not true to him. Protect him.
“Roksu?”
“Yeah, I just feel groggy, after last night.” Roksu naturally replied.
The implication of Roksu's words made Cale turn away with a cough. “... Go to the table. I'm almost done.”
“Let me help,” Roksu strode towards Cale and held his hand. “Please?”
“...” Cale blinked before his face blew wide with a grin and oh. How precious it looked that it made Roksu's heart clench and uncoil all the same with heaviness and fuzziness he can't name but is familiar with. Cale had this effect on him. He always did. He would smile and catch Roksu off guard and turn him into a mushy potato that can't think for himself… that can't think of anything else except Cale and his smile.
“Cale…”
“Alright alright, geez and here I am thinking you're tired.”
“I'm the one who's supposed to ask that,” Roksu leaned into Cale's ear and whispered. “Was I rough last night?” And got shoved away and kicked out of the kitchen instead. He blinked. Once. Twice before he felt the underlying urge to go back to Cale and suddenly, out of nowhere at the back of his mind, something whispered with malice.
Lock him up.
No. Roksu shook away the thought instantly and his body suddenly felt soggy so he went to the couch and plopped down. His mind still swirled with thoughts. Cale was safe and sound here. He smiles and laughs. He even cooks for Roksu. As weird and peculiar the situation was compared to his past world and life, Roksu is not about to risk breaking the normalcy he had formed with Cale. Moreover, they're getting married. Roksu felt at ease. He truly did. He felt normal, with Cale and him only. Only. Only—
“Roksu, don't fall asleep before breakfast.” Cale was holding a tray with food and that was enough to pull Roksu out of the bubble in his mind.
After breakfast, Roksu felt somewhat refreshed and—
“Did you read it?”
Ba-dump.
“The fic, I mean.”
“Oh…”
Cale was now fiddling with his hand, with the pen he was using to write something down. Things Roksu once checked, but it was just Cale's journal and things he learned the entire week.
Roksu still didn't respond. Something told him he should, but his throat wouldn't let out any sound. So, he settled with a nod.
“Y’know, all of my first time is with you.” Cale started. “My first love, my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything…” He looked away and clasped his hand on his lap. “So…” It was stretching for too long and Roksu— “Can you also be my first break-up?”
Ba-dump. Ba-dump.
Silence.
Cale did not hear any reply and turned, only to be tackled to the couch. His hands were suddenly on top of his head, pinned and restricted. His breath hitched. And then he felt soft lips on his own. With a tongue trying to pry his mouth open. He gasped and felt the way Roksu had so desperately tried to eat every sound he made.
“Wait—! Roksu—! Mmph!”
Cale would've laughed, but he knew instantly that something was wrong and heck he can't think clearly. Oh. Oh shit. The way he worded it out. He suddenly felt a prick of liquid on his eyes. Oh Roksu. He misunderstood. His beloved misunderstood. Cale is an actor. Roksu is an actor. They're both splendid in their job and Cale is curious. He's naturally curious and—
“Please…” Roksu whispered. His tone undoubtedly scratched, as if he was on the verge of crying. And god he was. Tears were already running down his chin. “I don't wanna, please tell me what I did wrong. Am I too clingy? Was it my joke? Was it my words? What is it, Cale? Why would you—” Roksu was breathing heavily. His eyes were swirling with different emotions. Despair. Sadness. Panic. And somewhere along the line… madness.
Cale breathed out and pulled Roksu in another tender kiss that slowly turned rough from Roksu. Muffling down the man's desperate words. This seemed to be the right move to Cale because Roksu responded earnestly. Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into an hour and Cale spent it trying to physically ingrain to Roksu's head that he is not breaking up with him like real break up since Roksu doesn't seem to respond to verbal then Cale turned it into physical.
Thus ending up with a bruised lip and an equally bruised heart. How did it turn into this? He didn't mean to make Roksu cry… who’s he kidding with? They're both crying.
After the silence stretched on for too long, Cale finally spoke. “Jagi-ya, you misunderstood.”
Roksu didn't move from top of him. Only further burying his face on Cale's neck. Cale let the silence stretch for too long. He felt Roksu's heartbeat slowing down as minutes passed by, yet he was still silent.
“We're actors and I'm curious how the Cale in that fic felt after breaking up…” Cale softly explained, careful not to trigger Roksu. The latter responded with a grunt that made Cale laugh lightly. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. We're getting married, I'm not gonna screw up my life without you.” Cale murmured and ran his hand through Roksu's hair. “I didn't start my words quite right, did I?” Roksu shook his head. He was probably blaming himself for jumping to conclusions. Cale thought with fondness. But oh, Cale also thinks it's his fault for making Roksu cry. Goodness, they're both helpless. Cale sighed fondly. Roksu blames himself and Cale also blames himself, what a pair they make. “I should've started the sentence with, “Let's roleplay, Jagi-ya.””
“No…”
Oh. Roksu finally replied with a rough voice.
“... Don't wanna…” It seems Roksu doesn't wanna do it. Cale is supposed to feel bad here, but he can't help squeezing his soon-to-be husband. He was acting like it was the end of the world and Cale, oh he loved that Roksu had this much love for him. He should feel guilty, but along a sick line, he feels happiness bubbling inside him. The past hour's event made him chuckle softly. Roksu didn't even wanna pretend to break up. How cuter can this man be? How possessive can he be? He can't help but feel at bliss when his Roksu was this in love with him to actually spiral with only the thought of breaking up. Cale caught himself smiling in this kind of situation and instantly shoved the thought away and locked his mind.
“Hmm… I was curious how it felt since Cale in that fic seems to love you like you hang the stars and I can't help but see myself in him, but if you say so.” Cale really meant that. He didn't want to force Roksu to do anything he didn't want to do. “I love you, go take a nap.”
Silence.
“... Let's do it…”
“Huh?”
Roksu reluctantly pulled away with his puffy looking eyes and looked at Cale intensely. “Let's do it.”
“Oh, but—”
“Let's do it.”
And that's how Cale found himself standing in the middle of the room with twinkling eyes that matched the stars above.
Cale, if you think I hung the star…
Roksu slowly stepped away, putting on a mask of stoicism and Cale, oh Cale, his beloved seemed to have loved it. Just what kind of normalcy are they in? What kind of sickness had this modern world that—
“Cale…” Roksu started. “Let's end it here.” It wasn't the exact word. Roksu knew it wasn't, but god he can't say the word. So he settled with that. And seemingly out of, perhaps, love, Cale understood and didn't cut the play. He went along. His expression fell between torn and confused. Was it like this?
Cale's expression molded more into something that made Roksu's heart clench. His throat bobbed up and down. Oh no. What is he doing? Why is he even doing this? Is it regret? Something else, maybe. Why? Just why? He doesn't want to see it, but he needs to see it. To punish himself.
“Why?” Cale softly whispered. His expression is bare for anyone to see, but only Roksu is there. And maybe. He's sick in the head for finding something gratifying like this. For finding Cale's expression a symbol of devotion. Even if it pierced through Roksu's very being. Even if his mind played all the moments that Cale no longer remembers. Reincarnation was a shitty ass start. He had to find Cale. Look for him. And he waited for years until Cale's eight years old face appeared on television. A young actor with a lively demeanor. And that was how Roksu ended up becoming an actor.
…Then I can say that the star I hung and admired with all my faith…
“Let's end this,” Roksu repeated with a heavy breath. Steeling himself for what's gonna come next. Cale seemed to have caught on to his increasing rapid breath. Yet before—“Let's start a new one…” Cale paused, breaking his character. His head tilted to the left. He was confused. Yet in Roksu's mind, if only he had taken this direction. What if? If only he had caught himself and stopped himself from saying those things. What if? If only his dumb dense ass blurted something different when he saw Cale's face. What if?
… Is you, Cale.
“Let's start as a married couple.”