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“I hate when you sneak away.” She opened her eyes, slipping her hand under her chin as she looked at his back. It took every ounce of strength she possessed not to reach out and touch him; to make him hers again. Erin Strauss was a strong woman.
“I'm not sneaking away.” Dave replied.
“When I'm asleep and you creep out of bed, it’s sneaking away.”
“Erin…”
“What?”
“I'm not sneaking away.” He turned to her. Dave reached out to stroke her face. He was in love with her face.
“Why don’t I get one night, or even one weekend? Wow, that would be something wouldn’t it?” she rolled her eyes. “I'm not going to beg for your time, David.”
“You’ve never had to do that.”
They were both quiet for a while. Dave’s hand was still on her cheek. Erin turned her head to kiss his palm.
“Change is good.” She whispered. “Even when it hurts more than you thought possible, it’s still good.”
Dave didn’t know what she meant and wasn’t sure he wanted to. It was true that no one would stay in the position he put Erin in for longer than a moment unless they were a glutton for punishment. No matter how hard he tried to justify it or make it better, she was his mistress. Affairs were never as romantic and poetic as movies or books made them out to be. Adulterous men were rarely Ralph Fiennes or their lovers Kristin Scott-Thomas. While the complications and implications of this affair were slightly different, it was an affair just the same.
“I love you.” He leaned to kiss her.
“You love him too.”
“Yes,” Dave nodded.
“You love him more…you always have.” She said.
“It’s complicated, and I know that sounds like a copout but you of all people know that it’s anything but.”
“You're never going to make a decision, David. At this point you probably feel like you don’t even have to anymore.”
“I feel a million things that I can hardly bear to express.”
“Of course you do.” Erin slipped away from his touch. She got out of bed without bothering to cover her nudity, which was very unlike her. “I'm going to shower. You can sneak out while I'm not paying attention.”
Dave sighed as he watched the bathroom light illuminate the dark bedroom. Then it went black again. He got up from the bed, stepping into and pulling up his boxer shorts. His clothing, blue jeans, and a black button down shirt, was neatly placed on one of Erin’s Queen Anne chairs. It was rare that his clothes ended up scattered on the floor.
There were times when desire overwhelmed them. Still, Dave and Erin had been together in one way or another for a very long time. Lust was fantastic but the comfort of being close to someone who knew every inch of him couldn’t be faked. They didn’t make love every time they were together. Like any other couple there were many things that came before carnal desires.
Dave didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to go without saying goodbye to her. Putting the palm of his hand on the closed bathroom door, Dave held it there for a while. He took a deep breath and then walked out.
It was raining hard outside but Dave’s Suburban was parked in her Chevy Chase driveway. He pressed his keyless entry from the porch and dodged the raindrops. In the car, Dave looked up at the master bedroom window. It was still dark.
There was nothing else he could do tonight. Perhaps in the morning they could both make more sense of this. Nothing about it was simple but Dave wanted to try. He didn’t want to lose Erin like this.
***
His voice startled Dave but he didn’t let it show. His rational brain told him within seconds who it was. He expected Hotch to be asleep even though he knew where Dave had been. Dave reached into the cupboard for the teabags. He didn’t turn to look at his husband.
“It was otherwise occupied tonight.”
“You smell like her.”
“I'm sorry Aaron…I’ll shower before bed. I promise.”
“I put up with what I put up with Dave; and maybe that’s partially my fault. I don’t want you smelling like her in our house.”
“Please don’t refer to Erin as her.” Dave turned around.
“I wouldn’t have to refer to Erin at all if your skin didn’t smell like her perfume and your face like the inside of her thighs.”
The words stung like a slap across the face. The sassy part of Rossi wanted to tell Hotch he had no idea what the inside of Erin’s thighs smelled like. That would’ve been the wrong thing to say. He didn’t want to say it anyway. There was no use in hurting Aaron more than he already had.
The couple never talked about Erin. Hotch still worked with her everyday at the BAU though Rossi was once again retired to focus on his writing. That was probably for the best considering what was happening. A relationship once slowly building into mutual respect and even friendship had all but crumbled because of Dave’s behavior.
“I'm truly sorry.” Dave said.
“I don’t think that’s good enough anymore.” Hotch said. “In fact I know it’s not, and it never really was.”
“What do you want me to do, Aaron?”
The teakettle whistled loudly, making Hotch bristle. Dave quickly turned it off. His husband had several triggers of his PTSD that he kept well hidden from everyone. Dave knew everything and always did his best to make the large condo they shared a safe space.
Too bad sharing his life wasn’t the same. Hotch didn’t answer his question, he just turned and walked away. Since the living room and kitchen were one large space Dave watched him go. He would sleep alone tonight. Lately it didn’t seem to matter who he spent his evenings with, his nights were spent alone.
***
“No, you have to make a decision and stick to it. There's a difference.”
“I'm not going to get into a semantics argument with a linguist.” Dave shook his head.
“You better not.” Alex managed a small smile when she ate her spinach and feta omelet.
“Last night wasn’t good.”
“What happened?”
“You already know, Alex. I have to make a decision. Someone I love very much is going to come out on the wrong side of this.”
“You think they haven’t already?” she asked. “Both Erin and Hotch deserve the full love and attention of a person so important in their lives. You deserve not to have to run around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to please everyone. There are some who would say that you're really just trying to please yourself, and still failing.”
“Some?” Dave raised an eyebrow as he ate his steak.
Brunch at Equinox was always a pleasure, as was brunch with Alex. He never realized when they started working together a couple of years ago that she would become such a trusted friend. There was something about Alex that pulled Dave in. He didn’t even let the problems between her and Erin stop them from getting close. In Alex’s defense, neither did she.
It wasn’t always easy to talk to her about Erin or the situation they were all in but Dave had to tell someone. Alex listened and only gave advice when she was asked. She never judged him; wanted the best for everyone involved. They all knew what was happening wasn’t the best.
“What are you going to do?” Alex asked.
She thought he should’ve done something about it years ago. He wasn’t the only person to blame but Dave started it. Most people would say that you couldn’t be in love with two people. Most people would say that Rossi wanted his cake, pie, and coffee too. Alex was sure he tried countless times over the past two years, even before she knew him, to stop what was happening. They were all hurting now. Someone had to make the first move or they'd never recover from the scars.
“I’ll figure something out.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t have a choice anymore.”
“You never had a choice, Dave. You just thought you did.”
“I'm not a douchebag. I don't want to be that piece of shit guy.”
“I never said that that you were.” Alex replied.
“Sometimes I feel like I am.” He said.
“Sometimes we all do for more reasons than we can count.”
***
“I know how it goes, Aaron. What's the case?”
“Missing teenage boys, which you also know is never good. I think Helena PD waited too long to call us. Some police departments still don’t properly communicate. There will surely be more cases that fit the victimology when we get there. Jack was supposed to come home soon so…”
“When is he coming in?” Dave asked.
“This weekend but I'm not entirely sure I’ll be back.”
“I’ll be here.”
“I don’t think…” Hotch sighed.
“Aaron, I can take care of Jack. I've been doing it for years.”
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to interrupt anything that you might have planned in my absence.”
“I can do it.” He tried to hide how upset he felt. Dave loved Jack and Hotch knew that. He wasn’t going to abandon a kid who was barely ten so he could get his jollies. “Who’s going to stuff him with pizza and cupcakes if Uncle Dave doesn’t?”
“We need to have a long talk when I get back, Dave.”
“I know.”
“We both have a lot to think about.” Hotch said.
“I love you, Aaron.”
“I love you too; that’s why this hurts so much.”
“It’s all my fault.” Dave said.
“Silence is a form of complicity. I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know when Jack will be there.”
“Great,” he tried to smile. “Be careful and I’ll see you soon.”
“Goodbye, Dave.”
The way he said it made Dave’s stomach sick. A long time ago they both said they would never say goodbye again. It was the first time Hotch had uttered the word since that moment. Almost three hours later and Dave’s stomach still wasn’t right.
Dave had worked on the novel, walked the dog, and made himself a sandwich. Then he laid down on the couch. Naps weren’t his thing but maybe today it would help. The odds of falling into anything resembling comfortable sleep were low.
After nearly an hour of tossing and turning, Dave grabbed his cell phone from the coffee table. He pressed two and listened to it ring. For a moment he thought it would go to voicemail. Then she picked up. Her voice sounded tired.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“Mmm hmm.”
“Do you think I truly believe that when you answer me in monosyllabic tones?”
“I'm tired but I'm fine.” Erin said.
She wanted to say she was expecting this phone call, knew Hotch and his team were on a jet to Montana. When had it all become so predictable and unsatisfying? It was probably that way in the beginning. Erin had no idea how she got caught up in something like this.
“Do you want to have dinner tonight?”
“No thank you. I don’t have much of an appetite and I'm really busy.”
“Dinner isn’t for another few hours.” Dave chuckled. “You're not going to be hungry?”
“It’s not a good idea, David. This isn’t a good idea anymore. It was always a bad idea; I was just weak.”
“You don’t have a weak bone in your body. You’ve been a ball breaker since the day we met.”
“It’s over, David.” Erin said. She exhaled after it was out. She honestly wasn’t sure if she was holding her breath or just couldn’t breathe. “I'm not angry with you.”
“You can be if you want to. I probably deserve it.”
“I'm angrier at myself.” She wasn’t going to let him play the victim card. They'd all been doing it for too long. “I knew better but I was so damn in love with you. I'm still in love with you.”
“You know how I feel about you, baby.”
“Yes I do. You’ve always made it perfectly clear. Four years ago you chose Aaron Hotchner and that should’ve been that. I don’t know how many different ways you could’ve told me that I would never be first.”
“If you think I’d ever hurt you intentionally…”
“The stupid things we’ve done, all three of us, aren’t because we’re evil.” Erin said. “We’re surely selfish and can be ridiculous but none of us are evil. I'm just tired David; I'm tired of being your whore.”
“Please don’t use that word with me.” He said.
“Goodbye. Don’t call me, don’t send me messages; I need space. I need time. I need to be away from you and from the person I was becoming.”
“I just want to know that you're alright, Erin. How will I know if you don’t talk to me?”
You can't possibly think that I'm alright, you stupid, selfish, son of a bitch, Erin’s mind screamed while she said nothing. There was nothing left to say. Blaming it all on him was a waste of time. This was just one more thing Erin would have to take responsibility and make amends for. She needed to do that without any influence. There were people she owed apologies to and David Rossi wasn’t one of them.
“Goodbye David.”
He heard the line go dead and knew she was gone. Just like that it was all over. It had probably been over more than a thousand times but they kept going anyway. Dave knew that wasn’t going to be the case this time.
He still held his cell phone to his ear, his hand clutching his stomach. He really didn’t want that turkey on wheat to make a reappearance. The sound of water drops told him that he had a text message. Dave looked at the spinning envelope, touching it so it would open.
‘I called Jessie and told her to keep Jack until I get back to town. Dave, I would really appreciate if you weren’t there when I got home. I love you, you love me; those are words we say. But what's been happening for the past two years has been so unhealthy for both of us. I need space. I have a lot to think about and I can't do it with you right there. I wanted to call but I can't right now. If I really knew what to say I would’ve said it a long time ago.’ –Aaron
Dave started to gag, jumping from the couch and rushing into the powder room. His head in the toilet wasn’t the best place to try and figure out how he would fix everything. In a matter of moments his entire life spiraled out of control. He lost the two people he loved the most. Holding onto both of them was impossible but Dave never expected something like this. All this time he believed that he was the one who needed to make the decision. It seemed as if Erin and Aaron made it for him.
***