Chapter Text
The first time Sylvain asked him, Felix ignored him completely.
The second time, after waking up warm and comfortable next to Sylvain, he considered it. He was facing away from Sylvain and into the morning light of the window, one arm splayed across his hip and red stubble prickling his neck. His answer wouldn't be any more obscene than what they'd done together the previous night. Or the night before that, and so on for the past 3 years. A press of lips mumbled something against his jugular.
"Speak clearly if you want a response."
Sylvain shifted upward so his arm wrapped around Felix's waist instead, and pulled him flush. "I said I told you mine, so you should tell me yours." Sylvain was nuzzling his ear, and letting his fingers creep under Felix's nightshirt to tap the skin there. He didn't bother moving when Felix rolled over onto his back and took a good look at his harasser.
Felix sighed, "I didn't want you to tell me that, and you're only asking because you're in a mood and want me in one too." He pushed himself inward so that their heads were on the same pillow, and flipped his head around to stare into bright honey eyes. "You know there are easier ways to turn me on."
Sylvain's hand was fully up his shirt now, caressing over rib and muscle and sinew, not quite fondling. "Maybe I want to know more than I want to get off…"
Felix's lips drew into a tight line, and rolled over to stare back at the window. "It can't be that important to you. It's a wet dream, people have them all the time." He felt Sylvain withdraw his hand, and could he was seen through.
"Why are you being secretive about this one thing? The first time, I knew you wouldn't tell me. Don't tell me it's too lewd," Sylvain paused introspectively, "isn't that my job in the relationship?"
"I just can't tell you." Felix snapped it out, bored of entertaining Sylvain, and mentally smacked himself for even considering it in the first place. But he hadn't meant to emphasize the end of his statement, and knew that Sylvain would notice the lilt.
Sylvain scoffed, "Oh, me? So who can you tell if not your lover?" He rolled onto his other side, facing away and Felix felt the other weight on their mattress shift into something tighter and wound up.
"I just don't understand why it's a big thing! It was a dream I had when I was fourteen and it shouldn't matter to you!" His voice wavered on the edge of a shout, and a tension in his chest was building. Of all the things for Sylvain to press.
Sylvain sighed and rolled his head into the pillow, pushing it down so the cushion pressed on his earlobes. "I want it to be good for you, every time. I want you to tell me your fantasies," Sylvain lifted his head back up to make sure Felix could hear the rest of the admission. "You tell me what to do when we fuck, but I don't know if it's for my benefit. Sometimes I think it is and you don't want that, or want someone else. I just want to know what you want and I feel like I should know but I don't, and I hate it."
Felix exhaled, long and drawn out, before punctuating his exhaustion with an abrupt turn to face the other direction. "You really think that, after three years? And a lifetime before that?" He could see clearly now the way Sylvain had curled into a sad little creature, surely with a mopey face to match. "Turn over and look at me," Felix reached out and gripped at his shoulder, "I want to resolve this."
Sylvain loosened up slowly, one limb at a time extending away from himself, and rolled into the touch. When he was properly facing Felix his eyes were wet but there were no tears, and his face had a strange contortion as he fought the urge into retreat into something mean and familiar.
"Sylvain, you need to hear me, and use your brain when I say this. If I told anyone else, any other lover, it wouldn't matter. But it would matter if I told you, and that's why I can't say it. It would be too embarassing. If I told you… who I was dreaming about when I was that age." The words made his throat clench when he said them, like a rock was being weathered into the meat and obstructing his speech. But he figured there was no way around Sylvain's insecurity otherwise.
It took a few seconds of staring his confession into Sylvain for him to really get it.
Sylvain retracted a bit and his eyes squinted, the hint of a smile ghosting along his face. "You're not serious."
"If I wasn't serious, why would I make this an argument? Have you known me to be anything other than serious when it comes to you?" Felix rolled his eyes, "I guess now that it's out there, I can tell you. But it won't be anything we haven't already done verbatim. I don't want anyone else, and I'm satisfied. Are you happy?"
The tension melted out of Sylvain, and he smiled and inched closer towards his partner. "Yes, I'm happy. But now I really really want to know."
Felix smacked him with a loose pillow and smiled, before choosing to ignore him again.