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Pomni isn’t very sure what to make of the days that follow Caine’s resurrection.
It takes a while to rebuild the circus, but when all is said and done, Caine’s assistance makes it a lot easier.
During the day, she hangs out with Ragatha at the cafe. Sometimes, she goes down and engages in light activities with the others. Drawing with Gangle. Talking with Kinger. It’s nothing too heavy — everyone is still stunned by the latest events, and Pomni feels worn out in all the wrong places.
But the night — or at least toward the end of the day — that part is reserved for the nest.
The nest — or what they’ve come to call it — is a small tent-like room tucked away at the back of the circus, where the abstracted drift around in darkness. It’s no longer the cellar — that place doesn’t exist anymore. No. This is a place where they can come any time to visit. It was Caine’s idea, of all people.
The first few visits were nerve-wracking. Terrifying, at times, in fact. Even when tranquilised by the dark, the abstracted weren’t pretty. And it didn’t help that it’d been ingrained in her to fear them from the very beginning.
But with time, those visits became normal. A routine.
They weren’t all alike. With the help of the others, she learnt their names one by one. Even here, stripped of their humanity, they were still somehow… unique.
Ribbit was the small one that liked to scale the walls. Kaufmo was tall — like towering tall — but gentle. Queenie was always drifting around in silence, like she was in thought.
She hadn’t missed a visit since the place was built.
The others grew to understand her routine. They never mentioned it, just accepted it. They all knew how much Jax had meant to her.
And the guilt she felt from not being able to save him.
She’d recognised him right away.
Or, he’d recognised her, maybe.
At first he’d avoided her, drifting away and hiding in his own shadow, but the days passed and he grew used to her presence. She doesn’t know how she’s so sure it’s him because he doesn’t act anything like himself anymore. He’s become peaceful and docile, like he’s finally relaxing after fighting a war.
Maybe it’s because that’s what it feels like.
When Pomni drags herself into the nest the week after the ordeal, she feels like she’s been through a war.
It’s all been battling in her mind — the things she saw in Jax’s mind, the way she could’ve saved him if she’d maybe just pushed harder, the memories — her real name. It’s like trying to suck in a breath underwater.
She almost abandons her daily trip to the nest and throws herself into bed early.
Almost.
But something pulls her to it as she walks past. It’s an exhausting amount of effort, just lifting the corner of the tent above her head and sliding in. The darkness engulfs her the moment she’s in, swallowing her vision until all she can see are the multi-luminescent eyes of the abstracted winking at her.
She usually talks to them. Reminisces. It doesn’t matter whether they can hear her or not. They seem alive enough.
But tonight she’s just here to rest.
It’s ironic, how being around the abstracted somehow makes her feel sane. She can’t lie, there have been days where she’s felt close. But spending time in the tent is soothing.
Maybe it’s the darkness. Or maybe it’s the idea of being surrounded by peaceful spirits. Whatever it is, she doesn’t care. It helps a great deal.
She sits at a corner of the tent where pillows have been set up in a shapeless replica of Kinger’s fort. They cushion her weight. She rests her head on one of them, letting her gaze drift across the darkness. Ribbit’s abstracted form skitters past her, giving her a quick look, her eyes blinking, and drifting off.
She lets herself drift through thoughts for a while.
It’s the same sequence that’s been running through her mind on loop for days. Their names, their faces, Caine, Ribbit — and Jax. how she could’ve saved him.
She pictures him in their newly-built circus. Smiling. Making jokes, even. The world became a far more bearable place when you could do anything in it. That was besides the ‘being trapped for eternity’ part, but it was still way more endurable than being forced on adventures everyday.
What had he been trying to tell her that day?
God, if she’d just pushed harder…
She’d been the one yapping about ‘team spirit’ for a good long ten minutes, and then she’d let him go.
He’d approached her. No one else. He’d wanted to talk to her. She could’ve saved him.
Or at least helped him hang on until Caine came back.
Let his last idea of the world be hope instead of existential nothing.
The thoughts have become so unbearably heavy that she can’t help but let a sob escape her lips.
She hugs her knees to her chest, shaking.
I’m so sorry, Jax.
She’d been mad at him. And a part of her knew she ignored him out of spite. But she hadn’t thought he would abstract. Why had she been so blind to that?
A sob swells at the back of her throat, but she swallows it down. It comes out in the form of tears, hot and spilling down her cheeks.
And then —
Something cold. Icy.
She looks up to see hundreds of bio-luminescent eyes staring at her, swirling vortexes of colour. The abstracted figure shimmers slightly, then curls into itself, sliding down beside her and giving a small, chittering noise. It sounds incredibly close to affection.
Jax.
Pomni can’t help but let out a small laugh, scrubbing her gloves over her face. It’s just so much to take in.
Jax watches her intently, folding his body around her so that they’re in a semi-hug. Well, one that doesn’t require actual touching, but it’s close enough. He chirps slightly.
Is he still in there somewhere? She wonders.
Gently, she angles herself closer to him and lets him curl around her, forming a protective wall of blinking eyes. It feels weird, having one of the abstracted care for her. It’s even weirder that this is Jax, of all people.
She wants to talk to him.
“Hey,” she finally says. Her voice is rough.
He doesn’t reply but continues gazing at her intensely.
What is she supposed to say?
“I miss you.” It spills out, thoughtless and shapeless.
She hugs her knees, pressing her chin against them.
“The circus is so… different now. It’s… become a better place.” She rubs at her face, smudging the dampness across her features.
“No more adventures. At least, not unless we want them. Caine is our friend now. Kind of, anyway. And.. oh yeah. Gangle and Zooble are together.” She lets out an absentminded chuckle. “And Caine granted Zooble’s wish.”
Jax gives a small chirrup. She wonders if that was a laugh.
She lets herself laugh, too.
It’s the first time in a while.
Jax would’ve loved it here.
“I… wish you could see it.” she sniffs, staring at her hands.
They celebrated birthdays now. Caine set up a calendar and everything. Aging felt funny, considering they were trapped for all eternity, but it also made the world feel a little more normal.
“You know…” she finally says, “your birthday was last month. So I kind of owe you a present.”
She’d been holding on to it for some time, but it was never hers so she really had no right. Gingerly, she unfolded it, lifting it over for Jax to see.
It was a pink ribbon. Caine had opened up all the doors of the abstracted and Pomni had found it in Ribbit’s room, slightly trampled on but kept safely in a box. She’d been looking after it. Keeping it.
Maybe for a time when she hoped Jax would open up to her again.
Well, maybe that task is Pomni’s responsibility now.
“I figured someone wanted you to have it. So…” she presses it against his inky black skin. It sticks.
Jax’s many eyes all gravitate toward the ribbon, taking in the sight. Pomni waits for his reaction, bracing. Either he stands up and walks away or tramples her to death.
Surprisingly, he does neither.
A low sound comes from him, almost like a cat’s purr. He inches closer, until she can feel the static energy pulsing off him in sluggish waves.
Pomni’s heart gives a small flutter.
He likes it.
Hesitantly, she touches his skin. It’s cold and weird, and in all ways wrong — it doesn’t really have a texture, just a staticky, void-like mixmash of nothing. But it’s not really nothing either. It feels like electricity, just glitched out enough to be tangible.
It hurts. Her hand begins to glitch faintly. But she misses touching him, misses the proximity. And it nags at her how he’d hugged her the last time she’d seen him. He didn’t hate it.
Gingerly, she begins stroking him.
It feels nice, even if it hurts. Almost grounding.
Jax purrs again, like some touch-starved cat. Pomni can’t help but smile. His many eyes flutter into half-moons, peering at her through black eyelids.
“I’m so sorry,” she finally whispers, “I should’ve pushed a little more.”
He might still be with them now.
He would’ve loved this place.
By some weird transcending miracle, Jax seems to understand. He presses against her glove in an almost-nuzzle, like he’s trying to comfort her.
It’s too much for her.
A tear rolls down her cheek, falling into her lap.
God, she looks like an idiot.
But she’d seen Jax break down and be completely vulnerable around her not a week ago, so maybe this is fair.
She chokes back tears, gratitude and guilt warring within her.
He might not know, but she still loves him.
They all do.