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Hollanov Support Group
Hayden: Alright I can’t take this anymore. I was at Shane and Ilya’s place for twenty minutes to give them some old kitchen stuff and I saw three separate bottles of lube.
Bood: Oh thank God someone said it this is getting ridiculous
Wyatt: I didn’t think anyone could have that much sex
Troy: I don’t understand why they can’t just go to their bedroom to do it
Troy: I mean I get a little kinky sex here and there, one bottle by the couch sure, but this is ridiculous
Bood: Where’d you find it Pike?
Hayden: I saw one behind the PS5, one behind a curtain, and several packets of lube TAPED UNDER THE KITCHEN COUNTER
Wyatt: HAHAHAHAHA
Hayden: This is not funny man
Dykstra: It’s a little funny
Hayden: I’m dying here
Hayden: Shane and sex are not supposed to exist in the same universe
Dykstra: Dude he married Ilya Rozanov wtf do you think they’re doing?
Bood: No Pike’s right though. That’s crazy
Wyatt: Ok but why would they need separate packets of lube taped under the counter when I saw several whole bottles under the sink?
Hayden: Because they’re freaks. Actual perverted freaks.
Bood: Dude isn’t that the godfather to your children?
Hayden: AND HES A FREAK ZANE
Bood: jfc calm down dude
Troy: God they’re so weird
Troy: Hang on
Troy Barrett added Harris Drover to the chat
Troy: Harris tell them where you saw the lube at Hollander and Rozanov’s place
Harris: wtf
Troy: We’re talking about weird places we’ve found their lube
Harris: Idk about this babe it feels wrong
Wyatt: Oh come on dude
Wyatt Hayes added Lisa Hayes to the chat
Wyatt: Hey babe whats the weirdest place you’ve found lube at Shane and Ilya’s place?
Lisa: In the lamp shade
Lisa: Wait what
Troy: Oh Harris has that beat
Harris: Fine
Harris: I found some taped under the toilet lid in a bathroom. And not just a packet but full bottles
Wyatt: How???
Harris: Their desire for lube stored in weird places defies physics
Bood: The weirdest place I’ve found it is inside the paper towel tube
Lisa: They’re definitely inventive
Lisa Hayes added Cassie Boodram to the chat
Bood: Why are you the one adding my wife and not me
Lisa: I didn’t want to be the only woman in the chat
Bood: Fair enough
Dykstra: Just telling you now, Caitlin does not want to be involved
Lisa: She told me :(
Hayden Pike added Jackie Pike to the chat
Jackie: Why is this group chat called Hollanov Support Group
Lisa: What’s the weirdest place you’ve found their lube
Jackie: Oh I get it
Jackie: I found a packet under the spoon rest next to the stove once when I was baking with Shane. I don’t think he knows I found it though
Cassie: Oh this is fun! I saw that one too. I also found one in their bathroom in the magazine holder
Hayden: So counting that all up that’s like, what, 7 between us?
Lisa: 8 I think
Bood: Wait Troy you never said where you found any
Troy: Oh right
Troy: I found some bottles in the spatula holder. One was strawberry flavored
Hayden: One of the ones I found was cotton candy
Dykstra: Multiple in one spot?
Hayden: All the ones I’ve found there have been multiple kinds. At least two kinds in all spots
Bood: How many kinds of lube are there
Harris: The most basic boils down to water based and silicone based
Harris: And they always have both of them readily available in every hiding spot they’ve got that I’ve seen
Bood: Why would you need both kinds available that easily?
Troy: You can’t use silicone based lube if you’re using sex toys it can mess up the toy
Bood: I shouldn’t have asked this
Lisa: So 9 places?
Dykstra: There’s gotta be more right?
Wyatt: Dykstra have you found any
Dykstra: No but when I do it’ll be the weirdest spot so far
Troy: Dude what could be weirder than taped under the toilet seat lid?
Dykstra: Idk but I’ll find out
Hayden: No way man, that’s my best friend, if there are any weirder places I’ll figure it out before you do
Bood: Dude you couldn’t even figure out he was in love with Rozanov before your wife told you
Hayden: Ok first of all fuck you
Hayden: And second, I know my best friend. I know how his brain works. His brain has not changed in the decade I’ve known him
Bood: You’ve known him for twelve years
Hayden: Again, fuck you
Lisa: Oh you’re so on, Pike
Wyatt: This is the weirdest conversation of my life
Cassie: And we’re gonna have weirder because I’m gonna start actively looking now
Hayden: I hate everything about this
Hayden Pike left the chat
Zane Boodram added Hayden Pike to the chat
Bood: You started this, you’re dying with us, Pike
Hayden: Fuck.
Cassie: Okay.
Wyatt: You guys just left like thirty seconds ago???
Cassie: Whatever
Cassie: So I found the first nine we talked about. I found another in the pantry behind the bread. And I found two in between the couch cushions. I also found some weird black bottle that says it’s lube but looks like something you’d find in a hair salon
Jackie: New lube brand unlocked!!!!!
Hayden: I hate you all so much
Dykstra: Interesting
Cassie: So anyway, I found a total of 13
Bood: Yes you did!!!!!!!
Cens n Friends
Bood: 13
Shane: ?????
Hollanov Support Group
Wyatt: You did not just text the mass chat with that
Harris: I’m actually dead
Zane Boodram added Luca Haas to the chat
Bood: Luca has something to share
Luca: They have one under the rock by their front door where they leave the spare key
Cassie: NO FUCKING WAY
Lisa: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Harris: Incredible
Luca: I’m fucking traumatized
Bood: Hey! Children are not supposed to use that word
Luca: I’m 19????
Bood: Just a little baby
Dykstra: How did you find that one anyway?
Luca: I was getting an Uber home and I accidentally had it take me to their place instead of mine. The next Uber wouldn’t have been able to pick me up for another hour so when I texted Shane he said I could use the key to go inside until it got here
Wyatt: 😭😭😭😭😭
Hayden: RIP the rookie
Cens n Friends
Wyatt: 1
Bood: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Shane: Is something wrong?
Troy: Absolutely not
Rose & Svetlana
Rose: So like. You saw them too right?
Svetlana: Saw what?
Rose: The lube bottle in the spice rack
Svetlana: That was nothing. I went to make tea and I found packets of lube mixed in with the tea bags. AND I found a bottle in a mug in the back of the mug cabinet
Rose: I know it’s probably fine but it still feels unsanitary
Svetlana: I think it’s fucking hilarious
Svetlana: I moved all the tea ones so they’re flat and the tea bags are all stored on top of them
Svetlana: Tea only or dig around for lube
Rose: Incredible
Rose: Do you think the others have noticed it yet?
Svetlana: How could they not? They have lube everywhere
Rose: Yeah but it’s a bunch of dumb hockey boys
Svetlana: Good point. It’s entirely possible they have no idea
Rose: I gotta know. I’m texting Hayden rn
Hollanov Support Group
Hayden Pike added Rose Landry to the chat
Hayden Pike added Svetlana Vetrova to the chat
Hayden: Welcome
Rose: I was not expecting this
Cassie: More women! It was starting to stink of testosterone in here
Bood: Hey!
Wyatt: It’s a group chat…?
Svetlana: Ok hi
Svetlana: So you’ve all found lube yes?
Hayden: So much lube
Troy: A concerning amount honestly
Bood: We’ve found a grand total of 22 bottles and packet stashes of lube
Rose: :/
Svetlana: That’s it?
Dykstra: What do you mean thats it?
Dykstra: That’s so much lube
Svetlana: We’ve found 46
Rose: We’ve moved some things around to mess with them
Svetlana: It’s really everywhere
Hayden: Literally how much lube does one couple need
Rose: Where have you guys found it?
Cassie: Bathrooms, kitchen, living room, garage
Rose: Oh the garage ones!!!
Svetlana: Which ones did you find? The one on the opener or the ones in the toolbox? Or the one on the shelf?
Troy: Garage ones, plural?
Rose: Omg you’re all so bad at this
Cens n Friends
Rose: 46
Jackie: Literally how
Shane: What?
Shane & Ilya
Shane: Ilya
Ilya: да, моя любовь?
Shane: I just got home and the maid moved all of our lube
Shane: Like all of it.
Shane: Ilya. It took us forever to figure out where we need it
Shane: And the different amounts and what kinds
Shane: Holy fuck I’m freaking out Ilya
Ilya: любимый calm down
Ilya: We can put it all back
Shane: Do you remember where we had it all?
Ilya: No
Ilya: But it’s okay. That just means we get to have more fun putting it all back ;)
Shane: Fuck’s sake, Ilya.
Shane: I like not having to worry about where it is or whether it’s there.
Shane: I put some back where I remember it was but so much I have no idea
Ilya: Okay. Just wait until I come home and we can put more away together yes?
Shane: Okay
Ilya: Я тебя люблю
Shane: Я тоже тебя люблю
Hollanov Support Group
Hayden Pike added J.J. Boizeau to the chat
Hayden: Hey JJ
JJ: Hello. What is this?
Hayden: This is your warning
JJ: ???????
Dykstra: Oh no someone new
Wyatt: More people for them to traumatize
JJ: ???????????
Hayden: You’re visiting Shane this weekend right?
JJ: Yes?
Bood: Oh fuck
Dykstra: Ah shit
Cassie: LMAOO
Luca: Oh no
Troy: RIP Boizeau
Harris: Hahahahaha
Jackie: A shame, really
Rose: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
JJ: ???????????????????
Hayden: So here’s the thing JJ
Hayden: Those two are fucking obsessed with each other
Bood: And they’re fucking perverts
Wyatt: Yep
Hayden: I fucking hope they’ll keep it in their pants long enough to make sure you don’t hear it but you will fucking see it
JJ: What the fuck are you talking about
Hayden: The lube
Bood: It’s everywhere
Hayden: In total we have found about 60 stashes around the house
Svetlana: You say that like you’ve contributed much
Hayden: Why is no one ever nice to me?
JJ: This all seems unnecessary
Hayden: You won’t think so once you’ve been there
Hayden: Lube within the first ten minutes. Guaranteed.
JJ: Or my money back?
Hayden: What?
JJ: Nothing
Rose: Hahahaha I get it
Rose: Like the commercials
Rose: Lube within the first ten minutes guaranteed, or your money back
Hayden: I don’t get it
Bood: Yeah me neither
Wyatt: I don’t get it
Svetlana: You all exhaust me
Rose: Me too? :((
Svetlana: No любимый never you
Rose: :))
Hayden: What is happening here
Harris: Don’t even touch this man
JJ: I think you’re all homophobic
Bood: ???????????
Wyatt: What
Jackie: ?
Hayden: ??
Harris: I’m literally gay but ok
JJ: I spent 3 days with them. You promised me lube. I see no lube.
JJ: 3 days
JJ: No lube
JJ: You make it out like they are sex fiends, but they are not
JJ: You all make it too much
Hayden: How is that possible????
Dykstra: Maybe they hide the lube for guests?
Cassie: That much lube? Surely they’d miss some
Lisa: Knowing Hollander he’d have a map of where all the lube is stashed in the house
Rose: Hey don’t be mean
Rose: Actually wait no that sounds right for him
Luca: They drove me home from practice today
Bood: You gotta get a car rook
Luca: I’m trying!!!
Wyatt: What did you see?
Luca: Six bottles of lube in the backseat
Rose: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Svetlana: 6? What are they, amateurs?
Dykstra: Flavors, rook?
Luca: One was bacon flavored
Rose: EW
Bood: Who would ever want that?
Wyatt: Roz
Cassie: Roz
Hayden: Roz
Bood: Roz
Bood: That just sounds nasty
Luca: There was also mint
Bood: That sounds… tingly
Troy: It is
Rose: Oh?
Svetlana: LMAO
Cens n Friends
Luca: 6 (I’m sorry)
Shane: Okay seriously what is going on here?
Bood: Do not be sorry, Haas. You are only sharing what you know
Shane: Seriously what the fuck is going on?
Hollanov Support Group
Jackie: I’ve noticed a pattern
Jackie: I think they keep bottles of lube in every piece of furniture, which we know, but the ones with drawers I think they always keep in the top right drawer
Rose: Wait yeah
Lisa: Ohhhh
Lisa: I knew there was something there I could just never put my finger on what
Cassie: A whole lotta lube was there apparently
Wyatt: We never should have introduced all of the women in our lives
Bood: I will regret it always
Lisa: Hush the grown ups are talking
Bood: Whatever man
Lisa: So how many pieces of furniture is that?
Svetlana: Too many to count
Jackie: Fuck
Harris: Guys. I found an empty lube packet taped to the back of their honeymoon picture
Cassie: You found a what
Dykstra: That’s weird right? Like weird for even them?
Bood: If I had to guess, I’d put the blame on Rozanov
Troy: Do we think Hollander even knows it’s there?
JJ: You all are so weird. But probably not
Hayden: I knew we’d get you eventually
JJ: Embrasse mon cul
Hayden: Fuck you too buddy
Cens n Friends
Harris: 1
Ilya: I hope you all know how much this stresses out my husband
Ilya: Please never stop
Shane: Fuck you
Ilya: Later
Wyatt: Stop there are babies in this chat
Luca: I’m literally an adult
Bood: Teeny tiny itty bitty baby boy
Luca: Girl whatever fuck you
Bood: I’m a man…?
Ilya: 😂
Shane & Ilya
Shane: Ilya
Ilya: Shane
Shane: Why is there a packet of lube taped to the vacuum?
Ilya: We always have sex after we vacuum
Ilya: I cannot resist your ass
Ilya: Just the sound of the vacuum turns me on
Ilya: Lube there makes it faster
Shane: Get in here now
Ilya: Why
Shane: I need to put this lube to good use
Ilya: Fuck omw
Hollanov Support Group
Dykstra: A packet taped on their vacuum??????
Rose: LMAOO WHAT
Cassie: No wait hang on a second they might be onto something there
Dykstra: Idk all I know is that one second I was helping them clean up, then there was a broken glass, then the vacuum was there and I just saw it
Dykstra: I don’t think they know I saw it but I fucking saw it
Dykstra: There were three packets
Dykstra: Who needs THREE PACKETS OF LUBE
Bood: We’ve gone over this D they need access to different kinds
Dykstra: 😭
Cens n Friends
Dykstra: 3
Shane: I hate all of you
Hollanov Support Group
J.J. Boizeau added Cliff Marlow to the chat
Marlow: What is this
J.J.: You stayed at their place yesterday
Marlow: Yeah?
J.J.: And what did you tell me you found
Marlow: Seriously?
Bood: There’s no shame man
Wyatt: We’ve all been where you are now
Marlow: 🙄
Marlow: I found a couple bottles of lube under the guest bed mattress
Harris: Why can they not just fuck literally anywhere else and leave the bed we sleep on out of this???
Bood: Those kinky fuckers
Rose: It’s probably from when they roleplay Shane said they sometimes do hotel roleplay
Rose: Or that they do stranger role play but being in their own bed gets too sentimental or whatever
Rose: Damn it I definitely shouldn’t have told you that but I’m so wine drunk right now
Rose: Forget I said that
Hayden: Why do you know that?
Rose: From the last time I got Shane wine drunk
Svetlana: It’s so fun to get wine drunk with Rose Landry
Harris: Oh so you’re wine drunk together
Svetlana: What happened to not touching this Harris?
Harris: Sorry my bad I guess
Troy: Uh huh
Svetlana: Fuck off all of you
Marlow: I also found some in the guest bathroom
Dykstra: Literally why
Cassie: I hate them
Marlow: And some in the closet
Marlow: And the ottoman
Marlow: All in the guest room
Hayden: Was this the one at the end of the hall?
Marlow: Yeah Hollander was gonna put me in another room but I said I wanted that one because of the view
Hayden: Oh yeah dude that’s so on you
Hayden: I always knew Shane was particular about that room for a reason. Turns out it’s because he’s a freak. What else is new
Marlow: Fuck
Wyatt: Next time take the shitty view
Marlow: What next time
Cens n Friends
Hayden Pike added Cliff Marlow to the chat
Marlow: 11
Shane: Are you fucking kidding me?
Hollanov Support Group
Jackie: So I played a little ‘I Spy’ while at dinner with the Hollander-Rozanovs and my God did I find a lot
Jackie: I lost count of how many bottles I found in the couch cushions. At least 7. Three taped under the coffee table tho. Just in case all the ones in the couch weren’t enough
Jackie: You guys remember that wooden loon Shane got for decoration? The one he said was a joke? Three lube packets shoved in that poor thing’s beak
Jackie: The jar of cotton balls in the bathroom. Mixed in there is half a dozen packets. Plus the bottles under the sink.
Jackie: Perhaps most frustrating of all is several bottles in the hallway across from their damn bedroom. Just go in your room?? Why are you fucking directly outside your bedroom??? Your bed is like five feet away. Go there.
Jackie: 5 behind 3 separate curtains
Jackie: FOURTEEN BOTTLES IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM???????
Jackie: 2 in the coat rack (once again, their determination to hide lube in weird places denies physics)
Jackie: And 4 in their liquor cabinet
Jackie: I went on the worst treasure hunt ever and found 48. Bottles. Of lube.
Cens n Friends
Jackie: 48
Bood: OH SHIT
Hayden: THATS MY WIFE
Rose: I’m impressed
Shane: Literally what does this mean
Wyatt: Teach me your ways
Svetlana: Amazing
Troy: Omg
Dykstra: No way!!!!
Luca: Wow good job
Lisa: That’s SO MANY
Cassie: Jfc
Shane: No seriously what does this mean
Hollanov Support Group
Bood: Today is a dark day
Zane Boodram added Yuna Hollander to the chat
Zane Boodram added David Hollander to the chat
Bood: Welcome Mr. and Mrs. Hollander. I’m sorry you have to be here
Yuna: Bood what is this?
Bood: This is a place for those of us who have experienced what you’ve experienced
Hayden: Bood wtf
Wyatt: His parents????????
Rose: I’m so sorry Mama and Papa Hollander :(
Cassie: Where did you find them?
Yuna: Find what?
Bood: The lube bottles
David: Oh Jesus Christ
Yuna: Under the dog bed
Svetlana: I’m sorry where
Svetlana: Are they bringing my sweet innocent niece into this???
Yuna: I don’t think so. She was very territorial over it all
Yuna: And I don’t know for sure, she chewed it up a lot, but I think there was some sort of sex toy too. It’s hard to tell what it is though.
David: I think it’s a butt plug
Yuna: David!
Svetlana: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Svetlana: I mean
Svetlana: I am so sorry
Svetlana: HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHHA
David: You seem very sorry too
Wyatt: How many bottles were there
Yuna: Well we didn’t exactly count them
Wyatt: Ballpark?
David: I’d say upwards of 30?
Cassie: Jesus
Svetlana: HAHAHAAHAA
Rose: Babe chill
Troy: Is Anya like a little dragon except her hoard is lube bottles and a chewed up sex toy
Yuna: Seems like it
Svetlana: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Svetlana: I’m using this against Ilya for the rest of our lives
Cens n Friends
Yuna: >30
Svetlana: 🐶
Shane: Seriously? My own mom??
Hollanov Support Group
Bood: They invited us to go swimming
Bood: Between Cassie and I, we found:
Bood: One in a pool noodle
Bood: Seven scattered around the pool shed
Bood: Two in the planter
Bood: Two shoved UNDER THE DIVING BOARD
Bood: In a kayak
Bood: Under every single piece of furniture they have out there (12!)
Bood: One in the grill (burger flavored??)
Dykstra: Jesus
Troy: That’s a lot
Wyatt: How much outdoor sex are they having???
Harris: His parents are in this chat now Hayes
Wyatt: And they should know their sons are perverts
Yuna: Thanks for that, Wyatt
Cens n Friends
Bood: 26
Shane: You’re still in our house what are you doing
Hollanov Support Group
Bood: You know those videos where they take UV lights to the hotel sheets and stuff?
Rose: Ew.
Harris: Come on man
Wyatt: Why would you even put that thought into our heads?
Troy: How did I get into this group chat and how do I leave?
Harris: Troy and I took Chiron for a playdate with Anya. Ilya made us pancakes. I got the syrup from the pantry.
Troy: Dear God.
Harris: I almost put it on my fucking pancakes.
Rose: Idk whether to laugh or vomit
Cassie: How tf did you even do that??
Harris: It’s a novelty one. It looks like a maple syrup bottle. Says it’s maple syrup flavored. It was right next to the actual maple syrup.
Lisa: How did you notice??
Harris: I didn’t. I saw Shane’s life flash before his eyes before he said something about how that one was his sugar free one and he got the other one out of the pantry.
Harris: He thought I didn’t notice.
Harris: I fucking noticed.
Rose: Hey at least it was probably edible
Troy: 🤮
Troy: Babe I didn’t even tell you what I found in the fridge
Rose: NOT THE FRIDGE 😭😭😭😭😭
Wyatt: Dare I even ask what you found
Troy: I wanted butter for my pancakes
Svetlana: Stop
Troy: I got the tub of margarine
Troy: There was a rattling sound
Rose: 💀💀💀
Troy: I opened it and all there was in there was a butter flavored lube
Svetlana: Butter flavored?
Wyatt: 🤮
Svetlana: BUTTER FLAVORED?????
Troy: I almost didn’t eat my pancakes
Lisa: Ok but why did you think Shane Hollander would actually have margarine in his refrigerator
Troy: Ilya also uses it?
Lisa: No way would Hollander let him keep margarine in his fridge
Rose: Actually wait no Lisa is so right
Rose: This is on you dude
Troy: I hate every single one of you.
Wyatt: Dykstra and I were trying to prank them by putting more lube in different places but there are no free hiding spots. Anywhere there could be lube, there’s lube
Dykstra: Yeah I went to go put some in the shower and there’s already 2 in there
Bood: The shower is amateur hour. They had some under their diving board. Think bigger.
Wyatt: We put it in the dumbest places they’re going to figure it out
Troy: I doubt it. They’ve got so many different brands and types and flavors. I’m sure they’ll just blend in with the rest.
Shane & Ilya
Shane: Ilya what are these weird little pockets in some of your pants?
Ilya: What are you doing with my pants?
Shane: You haven’t worn some of these in years I’m getting rid of them
Ilya: Don’t touch my pants
Ilya: They’re sentimental
Shane: How are fucking pants sentimental
Ilya: I had a tailor put special little pockets in my pants I’d take to All Stars weekend in case I ran into you in a broom closet or somewhere
Shane: You fucking didn’t
Ilya: I needed emergency lube whenever I saw you
Shane: Speaking of lube
Shane: Where the fuck did all this shitty ass lube come from
Ilya: We gets lots of lube
Shane: Yeah but this is like the worst kind
Ilya: Why? Is bad flavor?
Shane: No it’s KY
Shane: Did you buy it?
Ilya: I don’t know
Shane: Well I’m throwing it out
Shane: On the same topic, did you put the lube in the jam
Ilya: I’d like to say no but I can’t be certain
Shane: Why the fuck did I marry you
Ilya: :(
Shane: Love you
Ilya: :)
Ilya: I love you too
Ilya: Now get the jam lube I wanna use it
Shane: Ew no that’s gross
Ilya: My love for you is gross 😭
Shane: Yes
Ilya: This is my thirteenth reason
Shane: What does that mean
Ilya: Jesus Christ will you ever do anything that doesn’t have to do with hockey
Shane: I have sex with you a lot
Ilya: Fuck Shane
Ilya: Bring the jam lube
Shane: It’s already in the trash
Ilya: Then bring some other lube and get down here so I can fuck you immediately
Shane: Fuck ok I’m coming
Ilya: You will be ;)
Rose & Svetlana
Rose: You know it’s been 2 months since we put the lube in the jam
Rose: They must have seen it by now
Svetlana: They have a new jar so either they saw it and threw it out or saw it and finished it
Rose: How have they not figured out its us yet
Svetlana: Horny fuckers probably cannot tell the difference
Rose: Honestly true
Rose: We’re still on for next week right?
Svetlana: Yes воскресенье
Svetlana: I will send you my flight details. I get to LA on Saturday
Rose: Fuck I can’t wait
Rose: It’s been too long since we’ve last seen each other
Svetlana: It has been only two weeks
Svetlana: But yes, too long
Rose: I can’t wait to see you
Svetlana: Me too. I miss your face. FaceTime is not enough
Rose: I’m free right now. And alone. We could see if FaceTime could work…
Rose: I mean, I’m just sitting here
Rose: Next to my rose toy
Svetlana: Fuck
Svetlana: Call. Now.
Rose: Okay :)
Hollanov Support Group
Dykstra: 11 in the bookshelf
Bood: Boo no that’s so obvious no points for you
Dykstra: Fuck you none of you found it any sooner
Rose: Wait no one knew about the bookshelf lube?
Dykstra: God fucking damn it
Svetlana: We’ve been putting them between different books for months
Rose: There’s also a lot of hollowed out books with lube bottles
David: Oh I knew about those. There’s an edition of the New Yorker that’s hollowed out with strawberry flavored lube
Svetlana: In every single Cyrillic book there’s a packet taped in the book jacket
Cassie: For real??
Wyatt: They’re inventive for sure
Bood: Does anyone know how many there are in the bookshelf?
Svetlana: I do
Cens n Friends
Svetlana: 38
Ilya: 38 what?
Svetlana: Go fish
Hollanov Support Group
Zane Boodram added Zachariah Wilkins to the chat
Bood: Everyone welcome our newest rookie Zach Wilkins
Zach: Hi everyone!
Zach: Wait Boodram, you added me to three chats
Wyatt: There’s a reason for that buddy
Dykstra: You will notice the names. One is for the team. One is for the team and our friends. One is for consoling each other for our experiences with the husbands of hockey
Zach: ? They seem like good guys?
Wyatt: Some of the best guys I’ve ever met
Luca: They’re really great
Bood: The kindest guys you’ll ever know
Cassie: They’re the sweetest boys
Svetlana: So horned up you won’t know what fucking hit you
Bood: What she said
Zach: I’m not sure I’m following…
Wyatt: You’ll figure it out eventually
Bood: Guys. GUYS.
Bood: Holy fuck I’m never going to be the same after this
Bood: Last night I left my coat in their coat closet by the front door
Bood: I specifically put it in there because I wanted to look for lube
Bood: They had lube in EVERY COAT POCKET
Bood: And I forgot my fucking coat
Bood: I went to pick it up this morning. And in the pocket. There. In my poor jacket pocket
Bood: AN UNOPENED BOTTLE OF LUBE
Bood: IN MY FUCKING JACKET
Bood: THEY ONLY HAD ONE NIGHT TO PUT IT IN THERE
Svetlana: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Cassie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Harris: PLEASE IM SCREAMING STFU
Wyatt: Serves you right for leaving your belongings in their house like that
Rose: THATS ACTUALLY SO FUCKING FUNNY WAIT
Troy: JFC WHO NEEDS THAT MUCH LUBE
Dykstra: Do we need to stage an intervention?
Yuna: I really don’t think I want to be in this chat anymore
Yuna Hollander left the chat
David Hollander added Yuna Hollander to the chat
Yuna: What the fuck David
David: You’ll need this
Lisa: I’m so glad this is my friend group you guys are always so entertaining
Rose: No but for real Evan’s right are they sex addicts
Cassie: Yes. But they’re happy and it’s not affecting anyone so let them be
Bood: Lube in my jacket pocket Cassandra. Lube. In my jacket pocket.
Bood: IN MY FUCKING POCKET
Cassie: I GET IT ZANE
Harris: That’s nothing Bood. I found a dildo the other day. It was fucking massive.
Wyatt: Has anyone ever thought about how we’ve never found a single condom in their whole house?
Cassie: 😳
Dykstra: What the fuck is boy butter?
Dykstra: There’s just a yellow tub. Called boy butter
Rose: LMAO
Harris: Omg
Luca: 💀
Wyatt: Something has occurred to me
Wyatt: Some bottles are almost empty. Some are almost completely full
Wyatt: Based on this we can deduce where they have sex most often
Zach: You guys know you put me in this chat against my will right?
Bood: We lied about not doing any hazing
Shane & Ilya
Shane: Have you noticed that whenever we have people over they are always so interested in exploring our house
Shane: They’ve all been here so many times before why do they always seem to want to do a house tour? And every time they leave they always text random numbers in the big chat?
Ilya: We have beautiful house
Shane: But they’ve seen it so many times
Ilya: We have beautiful house, we are beautiful couple. They are probably jealous
Shane: Can you be serious for five seconds Rozanov
Ilya: That’s Hollander-Rozanov
Shane: Fuck
Ilya: I’ll be home in ten. Prep yourself.
Shane: Make it five
Hollanov Support Group
Jackie: Party at the Hollanov House!!
Jackie: Role call: who’s coming?
Rose: We are
Harris: And who’s ‘we’?
Svetlana: Fuck you
Harris: 🩷🤍🧡
Bood: Cassie and I are coming
Harris: Me and Troy will be there
Lisa: Wyatt and I
Luca: I’ll be there
Dykstra: Caitlin and I are coming
Yuna: We’re coming
Jackie: Anyone wanna play a game?
Rose: Scavenger hunt: lube edition!
Jackie: Yes
Jackie: Whoever finds the most wins
Jackie: And it cannot be ones we’ve already discussed here. Must be new spots
Svetlana: You’re on
Harris: Definitely
Dykstra: Are we pairing up or alone?
Luca: But I don’t have anyone to pair with
Bood: You and Zach!!
Luca: Ok :)
Wyatt: We love you rook
Luca: I’m not even a rookie anymore :((
Rose: So we’re doing this? Partner up and search?
Jackie: Absolutely. And you’re all going down
Svetlana: In your dreams. You have hayden on your team
Hayden: Hey!
Svetlana: 😈
Svetlana: Trophy room
Harris: Omg there’s two in the Candy Land box
Troy: No wonder they never want to play Candy Land
Bood: To be fair none of us do either
Troy: Yeah that game sucks
Harris: Probably why they put it in there
Jackie: Next time we do game night we have to suggest playing Candy Land to see the life flash before Shane’s eyes
Rose: So diabolical
Rose: Please wait until I can be there I need to see that
Bood: Shane’s Rolex drawer has so many
Bood: Cotton candy, cheesecake(?), banana, cherry, birthday cake, and vanilla bean flavors
Jackie: The decorative box on the mantle that Shane told us was a music box that’s broken
Jackie: It’s not a music box. It’s a lube box.
Wyatt: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Cens n Friends
Svetlana: 13
Troy: Why
Svetlana: Idk
Harris: 2
Bood: 6
Jackie: 3
Shane: You guys do know you’re all in the same house right
Bood: Holy shit guys as I was leaving I went to put my shoes on but ig Hollander and I have the same pair and I was like wtf is in my shoe
Bood: It was three (3) lube packets
Bood: Also I never realized how big his feet are
Shane: What
Svetlana: BOOD YOU FUCKING IDIOT
Hayden: WRONG FUCKING CHAT ASSHOLE
Jackie: And on that note we’re heading back long drive to Montreal goodnight Shane lovely seeing everybody
Rose: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Luca: Oh no we’re gonna die
Luca: Cap’s gonna kill us isn’t he
Cassie: Don’t worry rook he’ll probably spare you you’re just a baby
Shane: Seriously what the fuck is happening
Shane: Wait a second
Dykstra: Oh no
Lisa: Whatever you’re thinking it’s probably not it
Svetlana: Whatever you’re thinking it definitely is
Shane: Have you all been counting our lube
Shane: Is that why you all like to walk around the house so much?
Shane: Are you fucking kidding me?
Ilya: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shane: Shut the fuck up Ilya
Ilya: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA
Shane: I fucking hate you
Shane: I hate all of you actually
Shane Hollander left the chat
Ilya Rozanov added Shane Hollander to the chat
Ilya: This is fantastic
Shane: I want a divorce
Ilya: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Shane: I’m serious I’ll fucking do it I’ll draft the papers right now
Svetlana: Jfc you really are perfect for each other
Hollanov Support Group
Luca Haas added Ilya Rozanov to the chat
Luca Haas added Shane Hollander to the chat
Bood: What the fuck rook
Luca: Cap texted me and my life flashed before my eyes
Ilya: I’m very persuasive
Shane: Oh my God
Ilya: Shane
Shane: Oh my fucking God
Shane: My parents are in this chat
Shane: And all you talk about is how much lube we have?
Ilya: We don’t use condoms because we’re married Wyatt why the fuck would we need condoms
Wyatt: Idk mess?
Ilya: Just swallow it coward
Shane: Shut the actual fuck up Rozanov
Bood: Uh oh he got last named
Ilya: Sorry Shane
Shane: I can still hear you laughing upstairs asshole
Ilya: Come on Shane is very funny
Ilya: We are in love, we are married, we have very active sex life. Is nothing to be ashamed about
Shane: My parents are in this chat Ilya
Yuna: Shane we are aware you have sex with your husband. You’re married, after all
Shane: Ew stop talking
Yuna: What? You think we don’t know sex exists? We had a child, Shane
Shane: I’m gonna kill myself right now
Svetlana: They are actually so perfect for each other it’s nauseating
Shane: I’m never having sex again
Ilya: Why are you punishing me????
Ilya: Wait ANYA has our lube?? That’s where so much of it went?????
Lisa: Apparently she also had a a dildo
Cassie: Wait I thought it was a butt plug?
Lisa: Oh wait I think it was both. The stash Yuna found had the butt plug and we found her a few weeks ago with the dildo
Ilya: Lube AND sex toys???
Ilya: Shane!!! Our daughter is a pervert!
Svetlana: That’s probably what Yuna said about Shane
Shane: I swear to God I’ll fucking do it right now don’t test me Sveta
Ilya: So how many total did you find
Rose: I think like 165ish?
Shane: Ilya what the fuck are you doing
Ilya: And the weirdest place?
Shane: You’re sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life
Ilya: Worth it
Bood: Give me a sec I’ll check the spreadsheet
Shane: There’s a spreadsheet??
Harris: We needed to make sure we weren’t counting them twice
Bood: The weirdest place we’ve found it is in the wooden loon figure’s beak imo
Shane: What does imo mean
Luca: In my opinion
Ilya: So you’ve only found 165 and the weirdest place was in the loon?
Wyatt: What do you mean only
Shane: Ilya don’t you fucking dare
Ilya: We have 248 bottles of lube
Rose: Literally why
Luca: Oh that’s a lot
Dykstra: Damn so we were way off
Hayden: Who needs 250 bottles of lube
Ilya: Can you not read Pike I said 248 not 250
Hayden: Oh and those 2 make all the difference in the world huh?
Ilya: You did not find our best hiding spot :(
Shane: Ilya I swear to fucking God
Svetlana: No no let him speak
Ilya: We have one hidden in the ceiling
Jackie: 💀
Shane: ILYA
Rose: LITERALLY WHY
Svetlana: As someone who used to have sex with you often, I will never understand your sex life
Ilya: Must you remind my husband of this?
Svetlana: Yes
Bood: Ok but what’s the use of the one in the ceiling
Ilya: I’ll never tell
Shane: None of you are ever coming over again
Rose: 😭
Cassie: I’m so sad the scavenger hunt is over 😩
Lisa: Fr rip the best year of our lives 😔😔😔
Shane: This has been going on for a year???
Shane: Wait a second. Is this where all the weird stuff came from? Did one of you put a lube bottle in our jam?
Rose: It was grape flavored!!!
Shane: Is that where all that shitty lube came from?
Wyatt: Hey I spent like $100 on that
Shane: What you think we use that KY shit? You think we buy from CVS?
Wyatt: Did you use it
Shane: What the fuck is wrong with you
Shane: No we did not use it that’s like the worst lube brand
Ilya: Shane is very particular about lube
Shane: Well sorry if I want to actually enjoy myself
Shane: Jesus Christ
Shane: Fuck all of you none of you are ever coming over again
Troy: Shane it’s really not that big of a deal. We’re happy for you. You guys are happy.
Ilya: Wait
Ilya: You’ve been doing this for a year and you didn’t find them all?
Ilya: You are all terrible at this game
Shane: Ilya what the fuck
Shane: Fuck you
Shane: Fuck all of you none of you are ever coming over again I hate all of you
Hayden: Went over to the Hollanov’s today
Shane: Please stop calling us that
Hayden: You will never guess what happened
Rose: Ooh what happened??
Hayden: Let’s just say something fell from the fucking ceiling and hit me in the head
Rose: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAKEDKSJKSJDKEKXKKSKSKD PLEASE
Svetlana: Omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bood: LOL
Lisa: Are you sure Ilya didn’t rig that on purpose because that sounds too perfect
Hayden: I almost got a concussion Lisa
Lisa: 🙄
Lisa: You’re fine trust me I’m a doctor
Shane: I am so sorry Hayden
Hayden: Whatever. But now I wanna know why there was lube in the ceiling
Ilya: For suspension play
Shane: Divorce papers tomorrow
Ilya: :)