Chapter Text
“I’m thinking about growing out my hair,” Shane said, head pillowed on Ilya’s chest, both laying on Shane’s couch, dressed in sweats and nothing else.
For the second game of both their preseason, Boston flew up to play Montreal. Montreal had won (barely Ilya had scoffed as the two stumbled into Shane’s apartment, fighting to stay as attached as possible while taking their clothes off).
They had only been apart around three weeks but they fucked like they hadn’t seen each other in years: hot, hard, and slightly desperate. When they woke the next morning, they had slow, sleepy sex, followed by a long hot shower, leading to blow jobs, leading to a shorter, more efficient shower. They ate breakfast while watching ESPN highlights on the couch and had migrated into their current position.
“Really?” asked Ilya, one hand continuously playing with the hair on the back of Shane’s neck, the other running up and down Shane’s side.
“Mmmm.”
“I think you’d look hot,” Ilya said. Shane grinned into his chest as Ilya gave a light tug. “And I’d have more to hold on to.”
“Yeah, you definitely struggle with that,” Shane said dryly. Ilya gave a longer tug and Shane lifted his head up, stretching up to lazily kiss Ilya. Ilya sighed, meeting him half way.
After a few minutes of kissing with no intent, Shane settled back on Ilya’s chest. His team had flown out last night, but he had worked something out with LaClaire that allowed him to make his own way back to Boston as long as he was back for practice tomorrow morning. Ilya’s flight boarded at 8:50 tonight, so they had most of the day to spend together. Shane sighed into Ilya’s chest as he heard his phone vibrate on the coffee table. Groaning, he reached across the space between where they lay on the couch to the coffee table and grabbed his phone. His stomach lurched when he saw JJ was calling.
“Your mom?” Ilya asked.
“JJ.”
“Why is Boiziau calling you on your day off?” Ilya grumped.
Shane pinched his side. “Other than he’s my friend? He isn’t a big texter. And we haven’t had a real chance to catch up since the pre-season started.” Shane felt guilty for that, but he was running into the same problem with Hayden as well. He had been dodging invites and calls like over telegraphed checks. Since bridging the gap between his life and Ilya (telling his parents, telling Rose, allowing himself to have this love), talking with his other friends had become more difficult. Like a dam with a small leak, he felt as if he had to police himself more, making sure nothing accidental came through.
Shane sighed and tossed the phone back on the table, smushing his face into Ilya’s chest.
“What is with the frown, hmm?” he asked, cupping the back of Shane’s head while rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“I’ve been avoiding them.”
“Hmm?”
“JJ. Hayden. Jackie,” he said slightly muffled.
“Yes, I would avoid them too.”
Shane pinched him again, hard, and rolled off him. He collected the empty plates from his coffee table and walked into the kitchen. As he was rinsing off the plates to put them in the dishwasher, Ilya deposited their empty coffee mugs in the sink, leaning against the counter.
“Why are you avoiding them?” he asked as Shane rinsed the mugs too and put them in the dishwasher as well. He sighed as he closed the dishwasher and looked at Ilya, wanting to be annoyed. Ilya looked back at him earnestly.
“I love you, Ilyusha,” he said quietly. “I want to share my life with you, but at least right now, we can’t, not fully. But I want to share as much as I can, and that should include my closest friends.”
“You can tell them, if you want. About me. About you.”
“You know it’s not easy as all that.”
“I know, moy lyubimyy,” he said, tone hushed. Ilya reached out for Shane’s hand, lightly pulling him to him, fingers intertwined. Shane rested his forehead on Ilya’s shoulder and closed his eyes.
“It is scary,” Ilya continued. “But you are brave.”
Shane let out a muffled chuckle. “‘m not.”
“You are bad judge,” Ilya said, waving off Shane’s denial. “I am good judge. You are brave.”
“Mmm.”
“You told Rose,” Ilya pointed out.
“She already knew I was gay,” Shane pointed out.
“I mean, she seemed to know before you. I certainly did,” Ilya teased.
“I should have seen that coming.”
“Left yourself wide open,” Ilya agreed. “Just like I left you -”
“Booooo,” Shane jeered, pinching Ilya’s side and pushing away from him. “Low hanging fruit.”
“Low hanging like -”
“Shut the fuck up. That doesn’t even make sense.”
Ilya laughed. “You like it.”
“I like you. Very different,” Shane said, momentarily fighting a smile, before thoughts of his friends drifted back.
“I can hear your mind going faster and faster.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Mmmm. Special hearing. Very few have it.”
Shane rolled his eyes, beginning to walk away when Ilya kicked out at Shane’s ankle, not hard enough to hurt him, but to cause him to stumble, almost tripping. He turned back to look at Ilya but Ilya was looking in the opposite direction, drinking water.
“What the hell was that?” Shane demanded.
“Hmm?” Ilya hummed, turning to face him. “What?”
“You just tried to trip me.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did!”
“Wasn’t me.”
Shane rolled his eyes again, turning to walk away again when Ilya did it again.
“What the fuck?”
“What?” asked Ilya, walking away. “Is there a problem, moy lyubimyy?”
Shane almost growled in frustration when he took a running start to jump on Ilya's back. Ilya made an ‘ oof’ of surprise as Shane from his back tried to get leverage to put him in a headlock. “Yeah, fucker, there’s a problem.”
Ilya let out a cackle that frankly pissed Shane off even more as he stumbled back into the living room. He flipped Shane over his shoulder onto the couch but Shane used his own momentum against him, wrapping his arms around Ilya's torso, yanking him down with him.
They began wrestling in earnest, both caught up in the pathological need to win and giddy laughter. Shane loved that Ilya matched him in size and strength. Loved that Ilya could hold him down, knowing that if Shane really wanted to break his grip Ilya would have a legitimate fight on his hands. They rolled off the couch, Ilya falling on Shane, attempting to hold him in place. Shane leaned up and -
“Did you just bite me?!” Ilya yelped, instinctively pulling away from Shane, which Shane immediately capitalized on pushing Ilya back, getting his knees under him, and launching himself at Ilya, who rolled them over. Eventually, Shane ended up pinning Ilya down.”
“I win,” he said, breathless.
“Oh trust me,” Ilya murmured, laying it on thick. “I do not feel like I lost.” Shane laughed, falling next to Ilya, both still trying to catch their breath. “I can’t believe you bit me,” Ilya said, eyes gleaming.
“Yeah, you can,” Shane said, pressing the side of his body against Ilya’s, moving to lightly kiss him up his jaw line. Shane gave the hinge of his jaw a light bite, then kissed it better. Ilya turned his head, kissing Shane properly.
“No one would believe me if I told them how feral you are,” Ilya sighed against Shane’s lips
“Poor baby,” Shane cooed. Ilya laughed as Shane took a beat, deliberately looking Ilya in the eyes. “Thank you for listening,” he said softly.
“No thanks, you dumb Canadian,” Ilya scoffed. “I will always listen to what worries you.”
“I know,” Shane said. “But I still wanted to say it. And,” Shane paused, wanting to make sure he chose the words correctly. “I will always listen to what worries you too. You know that right?”
“Where is this coming from?” Ilya asked, confusion coloring his tone.
Shane looked away. “I just - like, I know I worry a lot. And I don’t want this to be lopsided - uhm uneven, I mean. And sometimes I feel like it might be. So. I wanted to make sure you knew. I am here for you, too.”
“Do not worry about worrying,” Ilya said. “Is very Hollander of you.”.”
“I am being serious, Rozanov. You tell me things, too. Okay?”
“Okay. You will be the first person I tell, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
After consulting with Rose, his parents, and Ilya, Shane decided that he’d invite Hayden, Jackie, and JJ over. He would come out to them, and if they reacted poorly, he wouldn’t mention he had a boyfriend (neither Rose, his parents, nor Ilya figured this was likely, but Shane liked to have a plan with contingencies). If they reacted well, he would mention he had a boyfriend who wasn’t out and then refuse to disclose much information to protect his privacy (not a lie, which meant a lot to him). If they reacted really really well, he might tell them about Ilya (ultimately, that would be a game time decision).
“What if I invited them over for brunch?” Shane asked, as he seasoned his chicken. “People do that, right?”
“People definitely do that. And brunch is pretty gay,” Ilya said, voice full of mirth ringing out from Shane’s speaker phone as Shane made himself dinner.
“What the fuck? Meals can’t be gay. They’re meals. That makes no sense.”
“Hollander, you need to relax,” Ilya said.
“A phrase that famously makes people relax,” Shane said dryly.
“Listen, I know you want to be prepared, but I think it will go okay. You will tell them you are gay with those big seal eyes, and they will have no choice but to be happy for you.”
“Seal eyes?”
“Da, seal. You know seal, yes?”
“I mean yeah, but I don’t think –,”
“Trust me Hollander, you have seal eyes. Is so big and dark and wet. It will make anyone fold in seconds.”
“I think that only works on you,” Shane teased.
“Is cute that you think that.”
“What if that doesn’t happen?” he asked quietly.
“Then I will kill them,” Ilya said simply.
“Ilya!”
“You will lie to police for me, yes? I was with you the whole night?”
“No,” Shane lied.
“I think you will. But if not, I bet Rose Landry will step up.”
“You haven’t even met Rose.”
“Will be perfect opportunity. She could make up for dating you by being my alibi.”
“I miss you,” Shane said.
“I miss you too, sweetheart,” Ilya said. “Now, tell me, what do you think you will make for your gay brunch?”
Shane had thought a lot about what coming out to Hayden and JJ would look like. When he tried to take his anxiety out of it, he felt that in the long term, they would both be fine with it. He was less sure about the time in between coming out and then. He trusted Rose and his parents’ optimism, but had been in locker rooms long enough that he understood there probably would be some cognitive dissonance at the very least. And when they got over that hurdle, he was sure that they’d have a few hang ups about the Ilya of it all.
Shane didn't want to admit it but he thought JJ would take it better than Hayden. Shane loved Hayden. He loved his enduring sense of patience (doggedly inviting Shane over to his home for dinner thus starting their real friendship) and thoughtfulness (making sure he had food that was within Shane’s diet parameters and Canada Dry). He would be forever grateful how Hayden welcomed Shane into his family. But Hayden tended to go on long rants about things he finds objectionable, building up steam that makes him even angrier than he was when he first started. Ilya Rozanov featured many times in his roundabouts of ire.
Hayden would always be the first person to back Shane up or defend him, but JJ knew how to go along to get along which endeared him to the team more.
JJ was more of a diplomat. He was easy going and fun loving. He loved a good party, made up of not just Metros. He had a lot of friends on different teams in the league. He also had a lot of friends outside the league, which Shane found even more impressive. JJ knew how to lock up his frustration, how to let it go strategically, it was part of why Shane thought he made such a good d-man. He knew which hits to take, which hits to dodge, which hits to ignore, and when to start hitting. He also had a keen understanding of social situations and social nuance that vastly surpassed Shane’s.
When he was first drafted, a bunch of older Metros would call any shift he and JJ were on together the Rush Hour shift. Shane had no idea why they were calling them that. JJ was not as fast as Shane, so was he rushing? Should Shane slow down to keep pace? It didn’t feel strategic.
JJ had to explain it to him, which was shitty on so many levels, including their usual opus operandi: ignoring any stupid comments by pretending it didn't happen, breaking the unspoken agreement they had.
Shane tried to slow his racing thoughts to a slow trickle as he prepared brunch for his friends. He settled on making shakshouka, a spinach and cheese quiche, and an arugula salad. He had made the quiche the night before, just needed to heat it up in the over before serving. He had all the ingredients set up perfectly so he would quickly be able to put it together when they were ready to eat.
He pulled out his phone and reread his last few messages.
Rose Landry [9:44 AM]:
Good luck today! I’m sure you won’t need it.
Even if your friends are unsure about the ‘Lily’ of it all
All they will need to do is look at your smile when you talk about him to understand how he makes you feel.
Let me know how it goes! Love ya
💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
Lily [11:58 AM]:
ya tebya lyublyu
Call me after 😘😘😘
His doorbell buzzed and Shane took a deep breath. Let’s go.
JJ arrived first, greeting Shane with a big hug and rapid french. He leaned against the counter as he told Shane all about his summer as Shane put the finished prepping and slipped the quiche into the oven. When the door buzzed again, JJ let in Jackie and Hayden. The couple greeted him with hugs and slaps on the back as Shane finished cooking, letting his guests help themselves to drinks in his fridge. Not before long the food was ready and everyone tucked in. Shane let the other three carry the conversation, trying to be an active listener. Hayden and Jackie gave a rundown of their summer, passed around a phone with pictures of the kids and new baby Amber.
“Shane, this is so good,” said Jackie, her plate almost empty.
“Yeah, man. Thanks for having us.”
“Glad you are back home, Capitaine!”
“It’s nice being back in Montreal,” Shane said, not entirely truthful.
“What? You’re not missing your fortress of solitude?” Hayden teased.
“God, it’s not a fortress of solitude,” grumbled Shane. “I’m starting to wish I never agreed to that. I don’t know why the editors made me sound so… isolated. Lonely. It’s just quiet up there. I like that.”
“Media bullshit. What do they know, eh? Quiet doesn’t have to be lonely,” agreed JJ. “But you don’t really have visitors up there, Shane.”
“I don’t think ESPN was worried about my ‘loneliness’ when they made the documentary,” Shane said dryly.
“No, but your friends might. We really didn’t hear from you this summer,” JJ said.
“How do you even host your own silent retreat?” Hayden wondered.
“That’s- uhm - actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that. Well, not about the retreat…but also not not about the retreat. Well, there - uhm - there really wasn’t a retreat. I mean. I didn’t really do a silent retreat.”
“I figured,” Hayden said.
Ugh, Ilya was right about the retreat thing.
“Okay. Well. Uhm. I just - this year - a lot has happened. To me. I needed to think about things, process things, and it took a really long time to feel - well, I want to tell you guys. About it. Me. About me. But - it’s not easy for me, in general, to talk about this stuff, so it’s taken me a while -”
“Are you leaving Montreal?” Hayden blurted out.
“What? No,” Shane said, taken aback. “Why would I leave Montreal?”
“I don’t know!” Hayden said. “But you look like you want to puke.”
“I - no. I am not leaving the team.”
“Shane,” Jackie said softly. “Is it…Shane, are you sick?”
“What? No. No, I promise. I’m okay. I’m healthy. I promise.”
“Okay,” said Jackie. “That’s good.”
“So you’re not sick, and not leaving the team,” JJ said, clarifying.
Shane shook his head, and then took a long gulp from his water, throat feeling dry.
“Are…are you seeing someone?” Jackie asked.
“Jackie, why would he be nervous to tell us -”
“Yeah,” said Shane, grateful to have an inroad. “I - I am. Seeing someone.”
“What?”
“Capitaine!”
“Shane! That’s great!”
“Who is she? How did you meet her?” asked Hayden excitedly.
“Him,” Shane corrected quietly. The room became very still. Shane stared at his empty plate. “Uhm. I’m - it’s a man. So, him. I’m gay. Yeah.”
A beat passed. Maybe two. Then all of a sudden Shane felt hands on his shoulders.
“Bro, that’s - hell yeah, man. Very cool,” said Hayden, shaking Shane’s right shoulder.
“Wonderful, my friend,” JJ said in french, hand squeezing Shane’s left shoulder. “Thank you for telling us.”
Shane looked up at Hayden and JJ. They didn’t look angry. They were both smiling at him.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, man. Of course. We just want you to be happy, dude,” Hayden said, as JJ patted Shane’s back.
“If you are happy, I am happy. That’s what matters,” JJ said in french.
Jackie lightly shoved Hayden so she could stand next to Shane, bending down to give him a hug. “Of course we are sure. I’m just sorry you were so worried to tell us. I mean I’m not complaining, that was freaking delicious, but -”.
Shane let out a watery laugh, wrapping one arm around Jackie, hugging her back. She pulled back from him, and cupped his cheek. A few tears rolled down her face as she laughed too. “I’m so happy for you, Shane.”
“I am too,” Shane admitted, unable to stop his smile. The other three retreated back to their seats with large grins.
“So!” Hayden said. “Tell us! Where did you meet him, how long have you been seeing him?”
“You…you don’t have any – uh – concerns? With me being gay?” Shane asked.
“No, dude. Of course not.”
“Were you worried we would?” JJ asked.
Shane shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t think you guys would. But, you know, I’ve been in lockers rooms forever. And it took me a long time to come to terms with it myself. So, I wouldn’t, like, exactly hold it against you if you had some questions or needed some time or whatever.”
“Uh, I would,” said Jackie. “Shane, that would be insanely fucked up of us.”
Shane nodded. “Maybe. But you know how my brain goes sometimes. I just - I didn’t want to risk myself for such a long time, much less my friendship with you guys.”
“You don’t have to worry about that with us, bud,” Hayden said confidently.
Shane nodded again, smiling.
“So, this new guy made you want to try? To ‘risk it’, like you mentioned?” asked Jackie.
“I mean, kinda? Not gonna lie, Scott Hunter made it feel a little bit more possible,” Shane admitted. “Like, I knew it couldn’t be just me, but to see that it wasn’t just me. And to know I wouldn’t have to be the first. It really helped.”
“That’s so wonderful,” Jackie said.
“Tell us about the boyfriend!” Hayden exclaimed, wiggling his eyebrows at the term boyfriend.
Shane laughed uncomfortably, stomach lurching. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything!” Hayden said.
Jackie laughed. “You need to chill out.”
“Sorry! Sorry. I’m just excited. But yeah, I’m chill. Go ahead, Shane.”
“Well, he’s not out either,” Shane started.
“We can keep a secret,” JJ said.
“It’s - uhm - not about you guys. Really. It’s just - it’d obviously be bad for me if this got out,” Shane said trying to explain. “But as bad as it would be for me, it would be worse for him. Like more dangerous.”
“Why?”
“He’s not from Canada. His home country is pretty anti-gay.”
“Oh. fuck,” blanched Hayden.
“Yeah. So, obviously, it’s just a lot.”
“Yeah, sounds like. Is that why you haven’t said anything?”
“Kinda? We’ve known each other for a while, but we didn’t, like, try to be anything serious until more recently. And then this summer we decided to like, really be together. Even though we knew it would be hard. Because of hockey and travel and not being able to like in public without people talking.”
“That’s rough, buddy.”
“You said you’ve known each other for a while. How did you meet?”
“Uhm. Hockey,” admitted Shane.
“Should have guessed that,” quipped Hayden. “It’s not another player, is it?” he joked.
“Hayden! Shane just said he wasn’t out! You can’t ask that,” Jackie scolded, but it was too late. Shane instinctually froze, the automatic fear creeping up his neck.
“Oh shit, is he a player?” Hayden asked again, shocked.
“You don’t have to tell us,” Jackie said.
Shane nodded.
“Holy fuck.”
“Does he not want you to tell us?” JJ asked.
“No. He said I could,” Shane said slowly.
“You don’t want to tell us?” JJ clarified.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. There's just been a lot of information to tell you today. I figured I’d give you time to, like, adjust, before dropping another bomb on you.”
“I think we have shown we will be okay, Capitaine.”
“It’s totally up to you, Shane,” Jackie qualified.
“Yeah, man. I mean, we would be obviously totally cool -” Shane let out a strangled laugh. “- with who you were dating. But like, no pressure.”
“Actual no pressure, Shane,” Jackie said. “I think we are all just very excited you are sharing this with -”
“Rozanov,” Shane blurted out.
The room froze for the second time that day.
“What?” asked Hayden weakly. “Like, he knows Rozanov?”
“Like, he is Rozanov.”
“Ilya Rozanov?”
“Yes.”
“From Boston?”
“Yes.”
“Your rival, Russian, Ilya Rozanov?”
“Yes.”
“Are you joking?”
“Does it look like I’m fucking joking, Hayden?” Shane snapped.
“Shane,” Hayden choked out, mouth opening and closing a few times. “Buddy. This is not great.”
“Not ideal, no, but -”
“How could you be so fucking stupid?” JJ erupted.
“What?” asked Shane, thrown completely.
“Shane, I don’t give a fuck if you’re gay, but you fucking Rozanov? Not only is he an asshole and doesn’t care where he sticks it, but he’s doesn’t fucking care about anyone.”
“Fucking what?”
“He’s using you!” Shane looked at JJ mouth agape as JJ stood up. “You think this didn’t affect your hockey? Don’t you think it’s convenient that out of everyone in North America and Russia, he is -”
“Convenient?” said Shane. “Excuse the fuck out of me if you think I’m too stupid to understand when I’m getting used. And fuck you for thinking I’d let this affect my gameplay.”
“Did you even think of us? Or the team? Before you decided to fuck our rival?”
“Did I think of you while I was having sex? Are you serious?”
“What he means is -”
“You’re the captain. You set the tone. What you do has consequences for all of us.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Shane said, trying to reel back his temper. “So when everyone chirps me for not ‘drowning in pussy’ I’m uncool and ti-coune but when I tell you I’m in a relationship-”
“Bro, fuck you, you know this is different.”
“How?”
“Because it’s Rozanov!”
“JJ,” Shane said, trying to sound calm and even toned. “I’m in love with him.”
“That makes this even worse!”
“JJ-” Hayden tried to cut in.
“Wow,” Shane said, any hold on his temper falling away. He stood up, matching JJ. “So let me get this straight. I’m a fucking moron because Ilya Rozanov, someone you’ve never had an actual conversation with, could not possibly want to be with me. He just wants to fuck a cup out of me and into Boston?”
“Shane -” Hayden tried again.
“No, Hayden. JJ thinks that Ilya Rozanov wants a cup so badly he - what - seduced me, despite the fact he already won one, so I would be off my game, even though you both have spent years teasing me for years that I play better in Boston after I see him -,”
“Wait, he’s Boston Lily?”
“-that he’d risk never being able to go back to his home if this came out?”
“What?”
“You know what they do to queer people in Russia, JJ? They are killed or thrown in prison. I mean, fuck, earlier this year they rounded up men they suspected of being gay, sent them to camps, and killed them there. So if this came out, if he lost his visa, he would have to go back. He probably wouldn’t make it out of the airport before he got picked up. But yeah, you're right, it’s definitely more convenient to seduce me rather than just to play better hockey, because I’m a fucking idiot.”
The enormity of consequences Ilya could face if he were outed was nauseating. Shane didn’t get it, at first. He wasn’t well-read on most things other than hockey. He knew being gay or queer was not as accepted as it was in many places in North America, but until Ilya mentioned it during the All Stars Weekend, Shane didn’t know how bad it was. The google rabbit hole he found himself in after that weekend was now what haunted his nightmares.
“So no, JJ, I didn’t think of you or the team when I started fucking Ilya Rozanov. I didn’t even fucking know you the first time we hooked up.”
“You didn’t even know us? We met you in your rookie season!”
Shane crossed his arms, jaw clenched tight, and shrugged.
“You guys have been hooking up since before your rookie season,” said Hayden flatly.
“Technically, the summer before. “
“Holy shit.”
“Obviously it didn’t stop me from helping the rebuild and getting two fucking cups back to back for this team who hadn’t made gotten past the round one of the playoff in years.”
“Okay,” said Jackie, standing up and raising her arms like a ref between Shane and JJ. “Temperatures are running hot, let's take five. Go take a walk, JJ. Hayden, go with him.”
JJ angrily pushed away from the table, going to the entrance way to put his sneakers back on. Hayden hurried to follow up.
“Wait,” Shane said, panic rising up his throat, following them, Jackie hot on his heels. “If you decide not to come back, promise you won’t say anything.”
“Is that what you think of me?” asked JJ. While the anger was still clear on his face, Shane thought he saw a flash of hurt cross his features
“Before this, no. But if I am as stupid as you think I am, I guess I have to make sure.”
“Well, maybe -”
“OUT,” Jackie said, pointing to the door. “Before someone says something they can’t take back.”
JJ wrenched open the front door and stomped through it. Hayden quickly glanced over his shoulder as he hurried after him.
The door clicked close, leaving Shane and Jackie in heavy and sticky silence.
Fuck.