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Cal stood over Andre, who was sitting down on his bed. He was crying, something Cal had never seen before. He always imagined Andre to be a quiet crier, but even though his face was covered with his arms, Cal could hear every loud sob. It sounded like he was choking, like all the life had been strangled out of him.
“Andre.” Cal said, it accidentally coming out louder than he meant it too. Andre didn’t look up, instead he started crying harder. Cal could hear him starting to hyperventilate. “Andre, you’re going to wake your parents up.”
He grabbed Andre’s wrists, trying to pull his arms away from his face. Somewhere in his mind he thought that making eye contact would calm him down somehow, but Andre struggled back. “Please, take a few deep breaths, I don’t want them to question anything.” Cal pleaded.
Through the dark room he could Andre gasp for air. After a little his loud sobs had turned into heavy panting. He seemed to sink into himself. Cal sat down next to Andre and placed a hand on his shoulder gently.
He thought for a little, he had never been good at comforting anyone. “Listen.. it’ll be okay.”
Andre took a few more inhales before speaking in a shaky manner. “Okay..?” He lifted his head slightly, and for the first time since he had started crying, Cal could see his eyes. Tired, scared, ashamed, everything he knew Andre didn’t like to be. They were bloodshot as well. For a second Cal nearly felt guilt.
“Nothing is going to be okay. How could you..” His voice started to raise. “How could you fucking do this to me?”
Cal broke the eye contact, staring at the cheap carpet on the boy’s floor. He thought back to everything he had done to lead up to this moment.
He thought about how him and Andre used to be. All the nights they had spent staying up late, secretly drinking liquor they stole from their parents.
All the places Andre had driven him to, how Cal would always make up reasons to have to be driven just to spend more time together.
How carefully they had planned Zero Day. How quickly they had became everything to one another. How Cal kept pushing Andre further and further, shaping him into everything he had ever wanted.
And now here they were.
Cal bit his lip, a habit he’s always had when he was stressed. He knew he messed up. Calling off Zero Day for some girl? A month ago, he would’ve strangled himself for it. But it was the right thing.. what him and Rachel had was special. Something actually worth living for.
“..Andre, you can’t be serious.” He threw in a weak laugh. “You really expected us to go on some stupid massacre? Get into your crappy car and drive by a dozen schools to shoot them up? Come on, you realise it was all fake, right?”
Andre looked at Cal and felt nothing but hatred. He wanted to snap his neck. “Fake?” He choked out. He hated that he was crying in front of someone, especially now that that someone clearly never cared about him.
A few months back he would’ve never believed Calvin could’ve fucked him over like this. Everything was so intense, all the time. Almost every day Cal would hold some speech about how amazing they are together. All up until a month ago, when he started talking to that stupid bitch Rachel again. Overnight everything had changed.
The “love you” texts had turned into silence.
The nights of Cal crawling in through the window (even though he could easily go in through the back door) had become Andre staring at his motionless window all night.
The hugs Cal gave him every time they met up, the jumping up and down, the smiles, nicknames, planning, it was all gone. Andre felt sick. How could someone change like this? How could he pretend this all didn’t matter to him?
“This was all some joke to you? Cal, you can’t be serious. You can’t truly think that.”
Cal turned back at Andre, his eyes seemed empty. Andre could hardly recognise him. It made the whole room feel suffocated, like it was all some bad dream.
A smile grew on Cal’s face. “Andre, it was all some.. vent. Just a way for us to get our frustration out. You’re the only sicko that started taking it so seriously.”
“..But..”
“Cmon, I knew you weren’t bright but I didn’t think you were this stupid either.”
“Shut up.”
“Shut up!” Cal repeated in a high pitched voice, giggling to himself. “You cry like a baby.”
Andre didn’t answer to that. He was still clear minded enough to realise arguing with him wouldn’t go anywhere. He might as well be yelling at a wall.
“What? Cat got your tongue? Jesus, go back to hyperventilating or something. This is boring me.”
“..Cal.”
“What?”
“I want to.. hurt you, so fucking badly right now.”
He wanted some sort of reaction, maybe Cal flinching his hand away, or seeing his eyes get wide. But instead he shifted his face closer to Andre’s.
“What’s stopping you?”
Andre tensed up. He didn’t have an answer. He didn’t care about his parents walking in, he didn’t care about whatever Cal felt, but Calvin wasn’t scared. It wouldn’t satisfy any emotion inside him if he wanted to be hurt.
“..You’d get off on it, I’ve seen your wrists. I know it’s exactly what you want.”
He didn’t really mean that. Even for Andre, it was pretty low hanging fruit. He just wanted some sort of reaction out of Cal.
Calvin’s face twisted, for a second he seemed embarrassed, before his lips curled back into his weird smile. Normally Andre adored Cal’s creepy facial expressions, but right now it disgusted him in ways he couldn’t express.
His hand moved off Andre’s shoulder and disappeared into his pocket. He fidgeted around for a little before pulling out a shiny object. Andre’s eyes were still slightly blurry, but he could make out that it was a pocket knife.
It was fully made of metal. It had multiple tools inside it, and Cal had to dig his finger in and reach to the side to pull out the blade he needed.
“What are you doing Cal..?” Andre said, his voice cracking.
It stayed silent.
“Cal? What are you doing?”
Cal grabbed onto Andre and shifted himself to sit in his lap. He looked down into Andre’s eyes as Andre tensed up once again. Deep down he hoped Cal would gut his throat open, just so all of this would be over. His stomach felt like it was turning.
Slowly Calvin raised the hand holding the knife, pressing it up into his own throat. His eyes were unrecognisable, not void of emotions anymore but rather glistening with a sick sense of pleasure.
Andre’s heart beat against his chest and without thinking he reached up, trying to pull the knife from Cal’s hand. “What.. What the fuck- Stop-“ Andre exclaimed, a clear panic building in his voice.
“Let go or I’ll do it.” Cal spat out. It made Andre’s heart sink. His hand slowly released itself from the pocket knife and he held it still in the air, unsure of where to put it now. Cal readjusted the knife back to his throat.
“..You’re a sick faggot, Andre. If I slit my throat now, everyone would think you did it. You realise that, right?”
That alone made anger boil inside Andre’s veins.
“That’s- That’s not true. Everyone knows you’re the suicidal fuck out of the two of us. What do you want?”
Cal rolled his eyes. “I thought you wanted me to get hurt. I knew you were full of shit anyway.”
Andre stayed silent.
“I want you to cut yourself.”
Slowly Andre tilted his head to the side, without thinking. He furrowed his eyebrows. “What..?”
“You want Zero Day, right? Prove that you’re serious about it.”
“I’m not going to cut myself.”
“Let me do it then.” Cal shifted against Andre more, it felt perverse. He spoke similarly to the way he did when he would ramble about all the people he would blow to bits during Zero Day. It almost sounded sweet.
“I’ll be careful.. I mean, you’ve seen my arm, right? Aren’t they perfect?” He smiled and lifted his sleeve, turning his wrist to Andre.
His scars were precise. Nothing like all his school work, or his messy room, or his wrinkled clothes. They were straight, in perfect patterns, most of them being at a similar depth. Most were a deep purple, raised from his pale skin.
Andre hated that in their own sick way, they were perfect. He also hated that Rachel would never be able to appreciate something like that. He swallowed slowly, not answering Cal.
Cal grabbed Andre’s wrist, turning it to face him now. Besides a small scar from Mel, it was a clean canvas to Cal. His eyes lingered on it for a little, but suddenly Andre started trying to tug his arm away.
He chuckled nervously. “Cal, that’s enough.. you can stop now..” He forced a smile on his face, trying to ignore Cal’s breath softly moving over his face.
Cal grew annoyed, pulling Andre’s arm back to him. “Hm, I guess you don’t want Zero Day after all then?”
Andre looked down at the blade in Cal’s other hand. He let out a small sigh. “Why are you acting like this? You used to be so.. different. Is this really all because of Rachel?”
“Leave her out of this.” Cal snapped. He realised how angrily that came out and laughed softly to try to make up for it. “I mean, this is about us.”
Us.
In certain ways, Andre was like a dog, all it taking to convince him being such a small word. Nothing in Andre’s mind focused on the fact that Cal was lying straight through his teeth.
“Us?”
“Us, Andre. The Army of two.”
“I- I thought you said it was never serious to you?”
“I was frustrated. Of course it means something to me. Well, something doesn’t capture it, does it? It’s everything.”
Andre’s throat felt like it was closing up. His breathing got heavy again. He felt disgusting, but at the same time he felt a high he had never reached before.
“Obviously I want Zero Day. I need it.”
“You need it?”
“I need it.. please Cal..”
Andre felt insane. He felt like grabbing the knife and doing it himself. Cal smirked, running his fingers over Andre’s wrist.
He switched the blade to his right hand, locking Andre’s arm against his chest. He took the blade, running it across Andre’s wrist vertically, soft enough that it wouldn’t draw blood yet.
“Keep talking.”
That sentence made Andre want to throw up. At the same time it also made it impossible to think.
“P-Please, Cal.” He muttered, embarrassed as he realised how pathetic this was. He felt the knife push down more, a short but sharp pain shooting through his arm. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on talking.
“I want to die with you.. I want to kill all of them..” In their video diary Andre always sounded angry and fed up when he spoke like that, but now he sounded like nothing. He felt like nothing. Completely worthless to the universe.
The blade shifted, now facing horizontally, slicing small lines into Andre’s skin. Deep enough to show red, but nothing was actually bleeding yet. Andre adjusted to it fairly well, it felt more like an itch. Maybe this wasn’t so bad after all.
“I want to watch you blow your head off.” He mumbled, his chest feeling more and more heavy. “I hope there’s an afterlife, so I can watch our brains mix together.”
Cal pushed the knife deeper. Andre’s skin split slightly and blood starting running down his wrist. “Keep talking, Andre.” He breathed out.
Andre’s arm flinched out of instinct but Cal kept it in place. The cutting sped up, getting a bit more sloppy. Andre winced.
“I hate you.” As soon as the words left his mouth he felt the knife dig into his wrist deeper. He kept his eyes shut, scared to look down to see how deep that one went. He could hear his skin ripping open.
“Yeah?” Cal sounded pleased. “I’m sure you do.”
“More than anything.”
The knife sliced into the same wound. It stung badly. Andre let out a slight whimper. Without thinking he looked down, catching a glimpse of the gaping wound on his wrist. He could see his own fat layer, the yellow beads shining through the blood.
“Fuck-“ Cal shushed him, grabbing his wrist strongly and lifting it up to his face. With no hesitation he started licking the blood around the wound up, and Andre watched hopelessly.
A part of his brain wanted to shove Calvin away, but he remained frozen in place. He didn’t know what to think, or do, or want.
Slowly Cal moved his tongue into the wound, licking the fat bubbles. Andre groaned. “No.. this is.. what are you doing..?” Never in his life had he felt this small. Like he wanted the darkness in his room to swallow him and take him away from this moment. But his eyes stayed fixated on his best friend.
It felt more intimate than having a tongue shoved down your throat. It was the thing he knew only Cal would be able to do to him. Only Cal could make him feel this way.
So gross and filthy, but yet like this was what the world wanted. Like Andre was born for this and just this.
After a minute of running his tongue over the other cuts, Cal pulled away. Andre’s eyes stayed on the wound.
“Look at me.”
Andre didn’t react. Cal grew annoyed.
“Look at me, Andre.” He grabbed his chin, moving Andre’s face up to look at him.
Andre wanted to mutter something, do anything, take control back, but instead Cal shoved their lips together.
It felt wet, wrong and laced with a deep guilt. It wasn’t about Cal being a boy, but about the fact he let all of this happen to himself. Just to win him back. To have his Cal, only his.
Andre felt Cal’s tongue slip into his mouth. It was rough, with no care or love behind it. But it burned something inside Andre, it burned so hard it hurt. His chest felt like it had been torn open and his soul felt like it was spilling out.
He reached up and grabbed the back of Cal’s head, tangling his fingers into the blond hair. Cal let out a satisfied hum and Andre felt the blade press into his neck.
He didn’t care anymore. He could die now. This was worse, better, everything compared to the concept of Zero Day. Every part of his mind felt like it was being torn apart.
He shoved his tongue back into Cal’s mouth and slowly it gained a rhythm to it. Andre let himself get pushed onto the mattress, the blood staining his freshly changed bed sheets.
His mind went to static as his high reached a peak, all of the suffocating emotions flowing out through his skin. It felt like their souls were mixing.
Before Andre could process it, Cal had pulled away from him. He got up, standing over Andre who was still laid down. The sudden lack of touch made Andre feel desperate.
“Cal.. what? What the fuck?”
Cal’s face was blank.
“Go bandage yourself. I have to get home before my parents get suspicious.”
Andre blinked slowly, he tried to speak but shut his mouth when he realised there was nothing to say. He slowly raised himself up, standing next to Cal. He didn’t make eye contact. He walked over to his desk and started rummaging through it, trying to find some sort of bandage to patch his arm up with.
“I’ll see you sometime. Bye.”
“..Bye.” Andre mumbled, but by the time he got it out, Cal had already left the room.
Eventually he bandaged the wound as well as he could. He didn’t really know how to take care of such wounds, he had simply ran it under the sink and prayed to whatever force out there that Cal’s spit wouldn’t give him an infection.
Andre laid in his bed, alone, with a sense of dread. He had no idea if this meant he would get his Zero Day and his Cal back.
His chest felt hollow, his breathing was slow. He could still taste Cal on his tongue. He fell asleep, blaming himself for being this easy.