Archive of Our Own

You were never mine.

From the day you told me you love me, I knew you were never mine in the first place. Because I am not your first.

Death took your first, and I became your second.

Heizou stood from a distance as he watched Kazuha approach a grave, before kneeling and placing a bouquet of flowers by it. It has been three years since their death. Every year, Heizou would accompany Kazuha to this cemetery and visit the other’s grave.

It has also been a year since he and Kazuha got together.

This was the very season that Kazuha’s first love had died. A season when the leaves turn red and cover the road with its withered, dried petals, such as death. This was also the season that Kazuha confessed his love to Heizou, the season before the cold winter enveloped him and loneliness became his companion.  

Heizou wanted to pay his respects to the one that left Kazuha, but with a heavy heart, he didn’t feel like he wanted to. He glued himself to where he stood. His feet shuffled and the dead leaves rustled underneath him. Its sound echoed the swirling, hollow feeling in his heart.

This scenery became a reminder of where he was placed in Kazuha’s heart. And he didn’t want to step into that boundary, for his own heart would ache by its sharp twigs and pointy rocks.

Kazuha was never his.

So why did Heizou accept his love, when he should have simply taken a step back and thought everything through? 

“Heizou?”

Heizou was pulled out of his thoughts and Kazuha stood in front of him. His ruby reds were staring worriedly at him. He hoped he wouldn't make such a sad expression in front of him, but unfortunately, his heart betrayed him.

“Are you okay?” Kazuha asked kindly.

Words were stuck in his throat when he attempted to reply, and emotions were swirling in his chest, as if its claws were reaching out and trying to break through his eyes — don’t cry in front of him, Shikanoin Heizou. 

He stuttered a bit while letting out a pitiful chuckle. “The weather today feels a little… chilly. That’s all.”

Kazuha simply reached for his hand and his eyes widened by his cold touch. He quickly took his scarf off and wrapped it around Heizou. Heizou was startled by Kazuha’s gesture before the other held his slightly shaky hand.

“Let’s get you some hot drinks.” Kazuha smiled, pulling him to the direction of a path, to where the exit of the cemetery was.

Heizou simply stayed quiet as he let himself be dragged by the person in front of him while his fingers reluctantly intertwined around the other’s warm grasp. 

So… why did you bring me here when you can visit on your own? He asked.

Such a selfish thought, he realized.

Heizou wished he could stop being selfish. He wished he could ask the question to Kazuha, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so, without fearing the answer spoken from those lips.

You were never mine. 

Kazuha’s heart belongs to them. That's why he still visited this place.

“So what will it be?” Lumine went through the gift aisle and stopped at the plush section. She took a deer plush off the shelf and showed it to Heizou. “How about this? This looks kinda like you! I think Kazuha would like it!”

Heizou decided to take a day off from his detective work and hang out with his friend, Lumine. At first it was supposed to be a simple meet-up at the cafe, but Lumine decided to buy gifts for everyone from Monstadt City for the winter holidays. So, she ended up dragging him on a shopping spree.

When it came to buying gifts for Heizou, he was left clueless and blank. He obviously is not in the best mood to think about anything, especially his current predicament with Kazuha.

It didn’t take long for Lumine to notice his strange silence and prodded. “Hey, are you okay? Is… Is everything okay with Kazuha?”

“Oh, I’m fine!” Heizou chuckled nervously, caught off guard. “Kazuha and I are doing fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure?” Lumine raised her eyebrow while showing concern for him. “Ever since you and Kazuha got together, you never seemed… happier. As much as I don’t want to pry, but it doesn’t feel right to just… let you be.”

Heizou hummed. He turned to the plush aisle and stared at it for a bit. Then his hand reached out and took the fox plush. He gazed at it, longingly yet sadly. 

“I think… I think I’m just a replacement for Kazuha.” Heizou admitted.

Lumine responded. “Nonsense. Kazuha isn’t that kind of person.” 

“Maybe not. But… he still visits the grave.” Heizou sighed as he held tightly onto the fox plush. “I just think… If his former lover hadn’t passed away that year, Kazuha and I wouldn’t be where we are right now. I wouldn’t be here choosing gifts for him. I’d be somewhere else, and he would be with them. That’s the reality of it all. I’m not his first, never will be no matter the outcome.”

Imagine, if his past lover were still alive, Kazuha wouldn’t be together with him. Heizou would just continue being his friend. He wouldn’t care much of his love for him. And he wouldn’t have to feel this… uncertainty swirling in his heart.

Heizou was not his first love. 

And that was the bitter truth. 

Because in any silly fairytale story, whether it be fictional or not, first love has always been special.

Heizou wasn’t special.

He was just a replacement.

An option.

A second choice.

There is no such universe that he is Kazuha’s first choice.

So, whether or not Kazuha is still grieving, the truth still remains, that he was never his in the first place.

“I… I can see where you’re going with this.” Lumine spoke solemnly. “But, the more you think of the what-ifs, the more you won’t see what’s in front of you. Maybe you should talk about this to Kazuha. Feeling this way won’t do you good, ya know?”

And what happens then? 

Would the two of them take a step back? 

Does Heizou want that more than enduring this uncertainty in his chest? Would he rather let go of Kazuha than hold onto him?

He wanted to laugh. Just how selfish his love for Kazuha was?

“Want a hug?” Lumine asked kindly as she spread her arms to him. 

He was reluctant at first. But he decided to accept that warmth. So he took a step forward and enveloped his arms around his friend. For the first time in a while, he felt… peace, even if it was for a short moment. 

“You tend to overthink things, Heizou.” Lumine patted his back. “Today is a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. And we should think about the present that you want to give to Kazuha.”

Heizou let out a genuine laugh, and both of them pulled away.

“So, what will it be?” Lumine beamed, clearing out the solemn atmosphere. “Should we get the deer or the fox plush for Kazuha?”

“Fox.” Heizou answered.

He watched Lumine put back the deer plush and took the fox plush from his hands. Heizou then suddenly had a realization — Come to think of it. He never knew what Kazuha saw him as. 

“Oh, you were with Lumine the whole day?” Kazuha commented as he placed some ornaments on the tree. 

This year’s holiday, Heizou decided to celebrate it with Kazuha at his home. He helped him decorate the living room with red ribbons and bows on the walls as well as on his furniture.

Heizou then responded. “Yeah. She decided to go shopping and I just went along with her.”

“You seemed to enjoy her company.”

Heizou paused and turned to glance at Kazuha. There was a hint of hesitation and reluctantness in Kazuha’s tone. 

So, Heizou asked. “Why do you say that?”

“Well…” Kazuha cleared his throat and answered, not making eye contact while he was doing his task. “You always seemed so ready to accept her invitation. That’s all.”

Heizou hummed, “It’s always a rare occasion for her to travel over here and meet up with me. We’ve been friends since college after all. It’s the only occasion where we catch up with each other.” 

“I see.”

Suddenly, Heizou noticed this awkward atmosphere between them. And he wondered if he said something wrong. He hoped he didn’t… After all, he wouldn’t want to ruin such a festive season for the both of them.

He sighed and resumed his task. As he finished with the last decoration, he folded the empty box and walked up to the closet to store it. Then he noticed another box placed at the corner of said closet. It didn’t take a second to recognize that it belonged to Kazuha’s past lover — the scarf that he remembered seeing Kazuha bought for them, the hat that was worn every summer by them and the photo frames that seemed a little dusty but retained their precious memories.

Heizou narrowed his eyes and gently closed the closet door. A thought suddenly came to mind as he stood there. Just how much does this house still have their things…?

His chest began to tighten. He felt the hollow in his heart become more deep than it should. Heizou returned to the living room, trying not to look disheartened by what he saw. Then, he was welcomed with a present in Kazuha’s hands.

“Here. For you!” Kazuha then greeted as he walked up to him. “Happy Holidays!”

Heizou managed to flash a convincing smile and took the present from Kazuha. He then went to his bag by the sofa and pulled out a gift. He returned and held it to Kazuha.

“Happy Holidays.” Heizou said to him.

He watched as Kazuha took the gift from his hand and unwrapped it. His ruby reds sparkled when it was revealed to be a fox plush. Heizou then followed. He unwrapped his gift and was puzzled about what he had got — a mug with a picture of a black cat with green eyes. 

He glanced at the dining table by the living room and saw a similar design but with a white cat. Kazuha must have liked cats, it seemed. 

He should have probably bought a cat plush instead.

The first snow had fallen. The coldness of his surroundings slowly enveloped him. Loneliness had decided to stay. 

Spring welcomes new beginnings, thus new changes. But nothing seemed to have changed between them. It was as though their relationship had no growth, no thrive, no bloom, nothing. Heizou recalled all the time he was with Kazuha, and every time he thought about him, he would always find himself nitpicking about the things Kazuha held from the past. He questioned whether his presence ever made any difference. 

But the weeds from yesterday seemed to prevent any new flowers from blooming. 

He wanted to let Kazuha take his time, yet — why confess your love when you’re still looking back?

Heizou pondered whether he was the one that couldn’t move forward, but every time he tried to step into Kazuha’s world, there was never a spot for him to stay.

The way Heizou saw it, he was there to fill in the missing gap in Kazuha’s heart, but that gap didn’t fit. That puzzle piece in Kazuha’s heart didn’t fit. Thus, Heizou felt astray, and he wandered into nothingness, never to belong. 

So, as time passed, both of them got busy. Kazuha had to leave Inazuma city for work while Heizou had been pursuing an important case.

For whatever reason, this situation seemed to work best for Heizou and his tangled feelings in his heart. For a moment, it had been a peaceful week for him. No heartache, no noise in his head, no distraction. The weeds from yesterday were out of his sight. Until he found himself in the middle of the night, by the shop lot, on his bike — feeling completely alone. 

Spring was supposed to be the season of new hope. But as he stared into the sky where little stars shone in the darkness, it felt as though that hope was far away, out of his reach.

Heizou stared down at his phone and saw the last message he sent to Kazuha. It was this morning, asking how he was in Liyue. But unfortunately, Kazuha didn’t reply to him until now. And it was already midnight.

He’s busy. He thought.

Then a lull. Then a squeeze in his heart.

So busy that he forgot. He assumed.

Heizou proceeded to write another message. He typed, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Then, he sent it without a second thought. By the time he could delete it, the message had successfully been delivered. He instantly regretted it.

Just how desperate was he? 

It seemed laughable at this point. Always going back and forth about wanting, not wanting this relationship. This uncertainty kept emerging from the depth of his heart as if trying to bite him, hurt him until it persisted, waiting for him to give in and succumb to its hunger. 

This anxious feeling won't stop. All because he wasn't sure whether Kazuha truly loves him, or he was just filling up a void in the other’s heart. He was even worried that he might be overthinking things and just acting overbearing towards Kazuha.

Heizou paused.

Maybe… maybe it's best if he did take a step back.

Heizou sighed heavily. The coldness of his hands and the slight churning in his stomach couldn’t go away even when he accepted his circumstance. This feeling will continue on until Kazuha replies to him, or when Kazuha returns home.

As Heizou was about to put away his phone, an alarm broke off. There was a robbery in one of the shops from where Heizou stood. He didn't hesitate to speed-dial an emergency number before he left his bike to pursue the robber.

He ran, and ran. 

And ran.

Until everything went dark.

Strange.

How come this feels less painful than the pain in his chest?

Heizou slowly opened his eyes and found himself looking at a bright white ceiling. From where he was laying seemed like a hospital bed. The coldness of his surroundings touched his skin and he shivered, letting the one present with him notice he had awoken.

“Oh, you finally opened your eyes!”

Heizou’s groggy head turned to his side and saw his friend, Lumine, with a relieved expression. There were so many questions running through his head. But the one he was most curious about was how did he end up like this?

It took him a minute to recall everything.

A robbery had happened while he was out at night. He tried to catch the robber, but he underestimated the situation and got stabbed as a result. He got lucky, however. Because he speed-dial an emergency number of the Tenryou Police Station, Sara was able to save him before he bled to death. 

As to how Lumine was here… Heizou assumed Sara called her.

He tried to sit up but his sluggish state made it hard for him to do so. Lumine immediately stopped him.

“Don’t sit up. It’ll get worse.” She frowned. “I contacted Kazuha yesterday. I’ve already let him know about your situation. So rest up until he gets here.”

“You… You called Kazuha?” Heizou was stumped and blurted. “Why?”

“Why? What do you mean why?” Lumine was flabbergasted by Heizou’s words and rambled away, disregarding his poor weak state. “Do you want me to call Hu Tao instead? And have her put you in a coffin? You’re not dead yet, Shikanoin Heizou! That’s why I called Kazuha first!”

Heizou slumped his body against the hospital mattress and sighed heavily. She was being too loud that his head felt like it was exploding — man alive. But at the very least, the ache in his heart and the stab wound he got was numbed by the anesthetic.

He slowly shut his eyes and tried to sleep. But the words that Lumine spoke to him kept repeating in his head. Soon enough, his mind clicked — wait, Kazuha is coming here?

Right on cue, the door to his ward opened and Kazuha entered the room. He hurried to Lumine’s side and she told him everything that he needed to know. Soon after that, Lumine took her leave, and Heizou was alone with Kazuha.

At first, Heizou was happy to see Kazuha since the other traveled back home to see his condition. But the pit in his stomach mildly churned as anxiety wailed up inside of him. Heizou instantaneously remembered the text message that he last sent and he was not ready for the conversation they will have.

But to his surprise, Kazuha ended up taking a seat by his side and reached for his cold hand. He murmured sadly, gently squeezing his palm. “I’m glad you’re alive, Heizou.”

Heizou hummed softly and never said a word. He wants this small moment of happiness to last a little longer. Because it was the only time Kazuha treated him as his first, his priority, before a sudden realization sinked in. 

This wasn’t the first time Kazuha has ever visited someone in the hospital and made that face.

Now, it felt like Heizou’s love was truly selfish.

And he didn’t want that for Kazuha.

Heizou realized that receiving gifts was his least favourite gesture. Because a gift reminds him of that person, a portion of them that now belongs to him. But once that person leaves his life, that gift becomes a painful memory — a sad reminder that all those good moments are now in the past and he can no longer have any more of those moments in the future with them.

Heizou never felt so glad that the mug that Kazuha gave to him was left in Kazuha’s house. So that he won’t have to look at it and feel sad about it if he ever decided to let go of him.

“I didn’t get the chance to buy a souvenir for you.” Kazuha said as he drove Heizou to his home after his discharge. 

Heizou hummed, and then shook his head lightly, “There’s no need. I’m not one for gifts anyway.”

His ride home was nothing but silence after that. The only noise filling up the silence was the radio news at its low frequency. The only thought that kept going through Heizou’s mind was when he’ll have to bring that topic up again. About them. About their relationship.

Unfortunately, it had to be sooner.

The moment Kazuha parked in front of Heizou’s house, he suddenly asked him.

“Heizou. About your last text message, what is it you wanted to talk about?” Kazuha paused for a moment, before he guessed. “Are you… not satisfied with our relationship?”

Satisfied.

The word Kazuha used made it sound like Heizou was trying to benefit this out of him. The thought made his chest tightened. 

What is to satisfy anyway? All he wanted was to feel happy and content towards the person he loved. But it became more apparent just how hard it is to fulfill his wishes and expectations. It hurts — to have been told that way. 

“You kept clinging onto the past, Kazuha.” Heizou admitted bitterly. “You couldn’t even let go even after a year. No, even after three years.”

Kazuha frowned. He immediately knew what Heizou meant and clarified. “It’s not that I can’t let go, Heizou. It’s just… It’s just I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”

Heizou suggested. “Donate their stuff? Throw it into the trash, maybe?” 

“You know I can’t do that.” Kazuha's tone turned apprehensive. “Why are you bringing them into this conversation anyway? It got nothing to do with them.”

Heizou immediately clicked his tongue in dissatisfaction. It had everything to do with them. His past love. His inclination with the past. His sentimentality. 

Heizou knew this would happen. 

He knew that they'd end up arguing if they kept going with this conversation. If he told him the truth, would he sound like he was jealous of a dead person? Would he end up being accused of acting childish? Would there be any consideration if his one-sided feeling was warranted?

If Kazuha truly feels like he isn’t the one at fault… then it just means Heizou’s love is selfish. Both of them clearly want something different out of their relationship.

Yeah…

Yeah.

It was clear. 

After hearing Kazuha’s words, their view of love was different. Just like the spring and autumn season; Heizou wanted new beginnings, new hope, an abundance of life and adoration. Spring is a time where one could have everything for themselves. While Kazuha wanted to honor the past and those that left, turning its leaves to shades of red, into farewells. A time where one could share what they have for others, whether it’d be their burden or their love.

But Heizou is not one to share. Which is why… Heizou’s love is selfish, while Kazuha’s love is selfless. 

You are my first love, and yet —  It feels unfair that Heizou was the only one that desperately wanted more out of their relationship. It’s more unfair that Kazuha had to deal with his demands while still holding onto the past. 

Kazuha is like autumn leaves. No matter how much Heizou tried to chase him and reach out for him, he always slipped away from his grasp. He was never his to begin with.

He should have rejected him in the first place. He should have realized and told the other to think about it. Maybe then, things would have been a little better.

They would have loved each other… a little better. Or maybe not love at all.

After all, spring and autumn are opposites to one another. The selfish and the selfless. Which is why they never were together, separated by summer and winter.

So. 

Let the heat of summer burn their bridge. Let winter freeze them into memories. Then maybe… in the future, something will change.

Maybe.

“Kazuha.” Heizou sighed softly, not making eye contact. “I want us to go back as friends.”

“What..?” Kazuha was mildly stumped as the mood between them shifted. 

The momentary heat that happened moments ago, suddenly turned cold. Now the coldness of the night enveloped them. A weighty silence has stepped into their space. 

Heizou repeated, but this time with a heavy heart. “I don’t want this anymore. So, let’s go back to being friends.”

“But… Heizou—”

He already thought this through, and he isn’t going to look back.

“I’ll see you when I see you, Kazuha. Goodnight.” Heizou smiled solemnly. He simply opened the car door and exited the vehicle. 

As he walked up to the entrance of his house, he had this little hope that Kazuha would come out and chase him.

But he didn’t.

He wished he did. He wished he was a little more selfish. But it was wishful thinking.

“Heizou!”

Heizou paused, his hand was already on the doorknob. He didn’t dare to turn, but he waited for Kazuha to say something more.

And he did.

“I— I love you.”

Heizou lightly scoffed. 

He turned the doorknob in the end.

Once he stepped into his house and closed the door behind him, he slowly laid his back against it before sliding down and sat onto the floor. Gradually, he felt his cheek warm up and tears finally rained on his face. 

He didn’t really want to let go. But he didn’t want to keep feeling this way. The feeling where his selfishness and selflessness in a constant conflict, a constant turbulent, a raging storm that knows no end. If this is how love feels, then he doesn’t want it. 

He was never his, and it should have stayed that way since the beginning. 

Still, it hurts. 

Why does it still hurt?

That’s right.

Since when was the last time Kazuha told him he loved him? It took death for him to hear those words. 

As the fireworks set off, he heard a loud cheer from a distance. The warmth of summer was here. Heizou asked himself, since when was the last time he felt warm? 

He chuckled. 

He was grateful to have friends who were understanding. The type who doesn’t pry. Every time he was invited to a gathering where Kazuha was present, their mutual friends tried to keep everything light-hearted and fun, no room for awkward tension. After all, summer is a season of festivity and joy. A season where you make new memories. 

But even so, Heizou always finds himself keeping his distance from Kazuha while having casual conversations amongst their friends. 

It was as if nothing happened. That one year of relationship they had was nothing but an illusion.

Even so, he never thought that trying to shift back to being friends would be difficult. Because of this lingering feeling, the feeling of longing and love was still there. He wished it could just… disappear completely, like the fireworks in the sky. It shoots, it bursts and it vanishes. 

How he wished it would be that simple.

Heizou would have liked to make new memories with him. But that wasn’t the case. This warmth… this feeling… has become mildly suffocating for a certain period of time for him. 

And all he could was endure.

Until one day, Heizou received an unexpected phone call and he decided to go to the promised venue.

“Sorry, Shikanoin. I tried calling for anyone, but you’re the only one available.” Shinobu sighed as she walked him to their karaoke booth. 

From what he can observe, Shinobu and the others must have been partying hard. And true enough, the moment Shinobu opened the door to said booth, she  revealed several drunken friends sprawling on the sofa, the floor and table. Itto seemed rather wasted, while the rest of the Arataki gang was spouting nonsense as they were being tipsy. And then there’s—

“O-Oh. Kazuha’s here…?” 

Heizou was surprised as he turned to one corner of the room, spotting his former lover by a bean bag, sleeping cozily.

“Yeah… It’s a long story.” Shinobu cleared her throat. “I know I am asking a lot from you to take care of Kaedehara. But if you think it’s too much trouble, an alternative option would be you watching over the others while I send him off instead.”

“You’re too considerate, Shinobu.” Heizou chuckled and gave her a reassuring smile. “I don’t know how to handle your boys but you can count on me to handle Kazuha.”

After a sigh of relief from Shinobu, Heizou went ahead to Kazuha’s side and poked him to wake up. The other responded, mumbling incoherent words before Heizou tugged his arm over his shoulders and hoisted him to his feet. 

With that, both of them took their leave.

It was a quick taxi drive from where they are to Kazuha’s apartment building. Heizou guided the drunken Kazuha to his apartment home and rummaged his keys through his pockets. Once he obtained the said keys, they entered the house.

In Heizou's head, he kept repeating to himself that it was a quick task. Get in and get out. Simple and easy. 

It was slightly dark as they walked through the living room. Thankfully the moonlight from the windows helped Heizou see through his surroundings. He proceeded to approach the sofa and gently placed Kazuha there. He brought him to his front, hugging him tightly so he could lay his body carefully onto the said sofa. Once he did so, he tried to slip away but Kazuha’s arms around his shoulders tightened. As a result, he didn’t allow him to leave.

Heizou suddenly felt awkward, and mildly sweaty. Hugs in the summer are not ideal. Furthermore, he really doesn’t want to be in this position. Not because he doesn’t like hugs, but it’s because he doesn’t want to get attached to Kazuha again. He doesn’t want to get hurt again…

“Kazuha…” Heizou whispered his name and made an attempt to tug the other’s arms off of him. 

It took a while, but with a few nudges, Kazuha let go of him. Heizou sighed in relief. He watched Kazuha shift his position before he mumbled and slept comfortably at his side. 

His task was done. Time to get out.

He briskly walked up to the door and reached for the knob. But unfortunately he stopped the moment he heard Kazuha calling for his name.

“H-Heizou…”

The hand that was a few inches from the knob slowly retracted. Heizou let out a loud sigh. He kept repeating to himself that he should leave, that he should not look back, and that he shouldn’t get attached again.

But… it doesn’t feel right to leave Kazuha as is.

He hated himself for having this lingering feeling.

Heizou took a deep breath and slowly turned around, before proceeding to the kitchen. He knew his way around this house and where things were placed. After all, he had visited this house many times when he was in a relationship with Kazuha.

He opened the cabinets and took the cat mug into his hand. He filled it with water and returned to the living room. Heizou then took a pen and paper from a nearby drawer before writing down a note under the moonlight.

“Here’s water for your hangover. Drink up.”

He decided not to leave his signature and slipped the note under the mug by the table near the sofa. 

He took another deep breath and sighed.

Alright. 

Time to leave. 

No more looking back. 

With that, he left the apartment house without a second glance.

The leaves turned at its brightest red. The ground was covered in its withered petals and colors. Autumn is ending, and winter is slowly approaching.  

This was the time where Kazuha confessed his love to Heizou. And Heizou accepted it. But that love didn’t last long. 

Even so, Heizou ended up finding himself at the cemetery, letting his feet walk onto the path of the past before he stood at the tombstone of someone’s past lover — Kazuha’s past lover. 

Strange. Heizou didn’t need to be here. He wasn’t obligated to be here. But he was so used to accompanying Kazuha to this place that he ended up finding himself returning to said place. But what’s stranger was that the grave seemed untouched. It was as if it was left unintended as the leaves covered its stone and name.

No bouquet in sight.

Which meant Kazuha didn’t visit the place, and autumn is slowly coming to an end in a few days. 

Heizou frowned and decided to kneel down by the grave. He gathered all the fallen leaves around it and made it into a flower. He placed it gently in front of it, to make sure it didn't fall apart.

He then murmured. “I envy you, for being Kazuha’s first.” 

Heizou chuckled solemnly and stood up. As he left the grave and walked down the path to the exit, he drowned himself in his thoughts. 

If he ever found love again, if he ever accepted love in his heart again, he hoped that whoever chose him as their first, he would make sure he cherished them.

But unfortunately, the only image that came to Heizou’s mind — was Kazuha. Why is that? 

He was never his.

Say, what are you doing now, Kazuha?

The surroundings of his morning were quiet and cold. With every step he took, his footprints were left onto the snowy white path behind him. He stared down, watching his icy breath puffed and vanished from his sight. 

He wished he hadn’t forgotten his scarf.

But at this point, the cold doesn’t bother him anymore. Loneliness has become his companion and winter seemed to be the time where everything turned quiet. All those thoughts that used to swirl in his head had ceased, frozen by the icy touch of the season. 

The only thing that he yearned for… was warmth. 

But where can you find warmth at this time of the year?

Heizou decided to make a wish for the new year. So, he climbed up the stairs to Narukami Shrine as the sunrise rose from the horizon. As he reached the top of the stairs, his feet froze in place. His viridian eyes stared up to the familiar figure not far from where he was, hoping he was imagining things.

Silver blonde hair. Ruby reds. Sun-kissed skin. Yeah, he wasn’t seeing things. The figure was none other than Kaedehara Kazuha. 

How long has it been since he last saw him? Heizou sighed softly. He didn’t expect to run into him of all places. He even wondered why he was here in the first place. But Kazuha seemed distracted by the wooden plates hung by the shrine board. 

Heizou could just walked up to him and say hi but that wasn’t his initial purpose for being here. He just wanted to make a wish and leave the place. There’s no turning back anyway. He had travelled this far, he might as well continue on.  

He began walking forward. His footsteps became lighter than usual. He tried not to make eye contact, as if pretending not to see him as he passed by. But as soon as he walked past him, Kazuha noticed his presence and immediately called for his name.

“Heizou!”

His feet simultaneously stopped walking. Heizou cursed himself for ever responding to his voice. He told himself he shouldn’t look back. But… 

But he missed him.

He missed seeing his face.

“Heizou…?”

Heizou’s heart withered from that soft voice. He sighed again. His tense shoulders slumped. He slowly turned to look at him. With a quick observation, he saw how slightly different Kazuha was. His usual ponytail was now loosely tied. His clothes that were usually red and orange in color, now in white long coat. And his bag… there was something inside it. A green cloth sticking out from it.

Reluctant at first, but Heizou eventually replied. “Yeah?”

How lame. He should have started with a new year’s greeting. So the awkwardness and lullness enveloped them.

Heizou stared at Kazuha's hesitant expression, wondering if the other didn’t expect him to respond. But nonetheless, he waited for him patiently until Kazuha finally spoke up from a distance. 

“Heizou, I—” Kazuha’s voice hitched. He then cleared his throat and tried again. “I… I want us to start over.”

Huh…?

Heizou’s eyes slowly widened. Did he… hear that right?

“I want… to love you — better.” Kazuha emphasized, and then asked. “Can we… start over?”

There was a sense of warmness and sincerity in those ruby reds that Heizou couldn’t say no. He didn’t want to make the same mistake. He would very much need to reject him in order to preserve himself. But…

He misses him.

There was a hollow in his heart that he couldn’t deny.

Heizou told himself he wouldn’t look back, he wouldn’t get attached and be hurt again. And yet…

Will he make the same mistake? 

The harsh truth is… he was foolish. Heizou’s love has always been selfish, and all he could think of was one person. Is this how you felt, Kazuha?

“Kazuha, I—” Heizou chuckled lightly, almost speechless of the other’s words. He then flashed a small smile at him. He stammered, trying not to tear up. “I… want to love you… better too.”

The moment his words reached him, those ruby reds widened and crystalized. Kazuha didn’t waste any time and walked up to him. In an instance, the cold that Heizou felt for so long since yesteryear dissipated. Kazuha embraced him and the warmth he yearned for was now within his grasp. 

Heizou slowly wrapped his arms around him and buried his face into his shoulder. Their hug gradually tightened as they stood under the cold morning air as it blew past them. Neither of them exchanged a word to each other, but their desire of not letting go spoke volume. 

Heizou’s heart ached. It ached for a different reason. It ached for the things that would have a different outcome, a different ending. But in the end, both of them had to be separated so that one day they’ll find a different meaning.

Is this the meaning that he was hoping for?

Heizou sniffled a little and it made Kazuha peeled himself away from him. The other peered closely before noticing something missing. 

“Are you cold?” Kazuha asked.

He didn’t wait for an answer. He proceeded to rummage through his slingbag and immediately pulled out a scarf. 

Heizou blinked at the sight of it, speechless of what to say. 

“For you.” Kazuha told him as he slowly extended the scarf to him. “It’s… it’s a gift. Happy New Year.”

Heizou’s eyes narrowed softly. The scarf was green in color. And at the end of it had a maple leaf pattern accompanied with a deer. He hummed — your love is still selfless. 

Heizou doesn’t have anything to give back, but he needed a scarf anyhow. So, he simply took it from his hands before commenting, “It looks neat. Where did you buy it?”

Kazuha answered him solemnly. “I made it.”

Heizou was stumped for a moment, until guilt set in. He took another good look at the scarf. It didn’t feel like it was made with hands, but it looks perfectly knitted, even the pattern looks seamless. How long did it take Kazuha to do this?

“Do you… not like it?” Kazuha looked at him worriedly after he noticed that Heizou was staring at it for quite a while.

Heizou let out a genuine chuckle and shook his head. “I love it.”

Because his love is selfless, but that selflessness was for him. It’s ironic to think of it that way.

Heizou immediately wrapped the scarf around his neck and snuggled himself with the new warmth. He then extended his hand before offering.

“Do you wanna come with me to the shrine? And make a wish?”

Heizou finally saw a genuine smile on Kazuha’s face and the other immediately accepted his invitation. He watched as Kazuha’s hand reached for his before their fingers enveloped one another. 

With that, they walked together to the shrine, hand in hand under the white snowy pathway. Warmth from their palms kept them from the loneliness of winter and the small murmurs of their past gradually frozen into memories.

Strange. A moment ago, there was only a pair of footprints left behind. But now two pairs have drawn onto the white canvas. 

“What will you be wishing for?” Kazuha asked, trying to curb his curiosity.

“That’s a secret.” Heizou replied, placing a finger onto his own lips and shook his head. He then added. “But at least one of them came true.”

They say that winter is a season where death visits, because of its cold and lifeless presence. But it was farther from the truth. Autumn is where death walks. All those that flourished in Summer, with life, come to an end. It simply withers away against the shadow’s touch. 

Winter is where the loneliest of moments welcomes the warmest of embraces. A season of reminiscence and remembrance. A season of longing, wishes and warmth. 

Kaedehara Kazuha.

You asked me what I wish for.

I wish that in another life, we are bound by fate. 

And no matter the circumstances, we will find each other.

You and I, as first love.

You and I, together.

You and I, undying and everlasting. 

Life gave me this gift. You are that gift. I will cherish it, and I will love you better so you won’t find another. Even if this love was never mine to begin with. 

You were never mine, my first and last.