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The first thing Keonho noticed that morning was that he hadn't seen Seonghyeon yet.
Which, objectively, wasn't strange. Their schedules had been packed lately, managers constantly calling names from opposite ends of hallways, stylists pulling them into different rooms, staff rushing everyone from one place to another before they could even finish conversations.
Still. He noticed.
He noticed because, for the better part of last year, he had developed an unfortunate habit of orienting himself around one person.
If Seonghyeon walked into a room, Keonho knew.
If Seonghyeon laughed somewhere behind him, Keonho turned before thinking.
If there was one empty chair left, he somehow expected it to be next to him.
He had stopped questioning when that happened. Now he only questioned why it suddenly didn't.
By the time everyone gathered for hair and makeup, James was already talking loudly about breakfast, Martin was trying to convince the staff to let them leave five minutes later, and Juhoon looked like he hadn't fully woken up.
Keonho looked around once.
Twice.
Three times.
Seonghyeon finally appeared, apologizing quietly because someone had asked him to refilm a short clip. Their eyes met across the room, and Seonghyeon smiled, small, sleepy, the corners of his eyes crinkled, and Keonho smiled back before he could stop himself. His heart aching.
Then a stylist appeared between them.
"Keonho, your turn."
He sighed dramatically.
"I know that sigh," James said.
"What sigh?"
"The one where you think life is unfair."
"It is."
"What happened?"
Keonho looked toward the mirror where Seonghyeon had disappeared behind three staff members.
"...Nothing."
James followed his gaze.
"Oh."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You did the 'oh.'"
"I did."
"What does that mean?"
James shrugged.
"I'll tell you when you're emotionally prepared."
-
The day became a blur. Practice, followed by waiting, then filming again. Someone needed water, another forgot a microphone, one had to redo an introduction because James laughed halfway through it.
Every time Keonho thought he might finally end up beside Seonghyeon, something happened.
A manager called him over. A camera angle changed. A member swapped seats.
It became almost funny. Almost.
At one point they stood only a few feet apart while staff adjusted equipment, Keonho glanced over, and there was Seonghyeon , already looking at him.
Caught.
They both looked away at the exact same time.
Martin, completely oblivious, walked between them carrying a bag of snacks.
"Who wants chips?"
Nobody answered.
"I'm eating them myself then."
-
The strangest part wasn't the distance.
It was that it made Keonho aware of every tiny thing he missed.
He missed nudging Seonghyeon's shoulder when someone made a terrible joke.
He missed stealing his water bottle only to hand it back ten seconds later.
He missed hearing him quietly explain rules to everyone when nobody was listening.
He even missed the way Seonghyeon absent-mindedly fixed everyone's clothes.
Especially his.
The day carried on, people laughed, the cameras captured exactly what they were supposed to capture. No one would notice that every few minutes Keonho's eyes wandered across the room.
Except maybe Seonghyeon, because every single time, he looked up too.
-
It happened during a break. James was scrolling through his phone while Martin leaned over his shoulder.
Then James snorted.
"No way."
"What?"
"You two."
Keonho looked up.
"What about us?"
James turned the screen around. The title of a post stared back at him.
KEONHYEON DIVORCE ERA?
Martin burst into laughter.
"Divorce? You weren't even married."
Juhoon, without looking up from his drink, nodded seriously.
"Very unfortunate."
"It's because you haven't been glued together lately," James said.
"I am not glued to anybody."
"No?"
"No."
James raised an eyebrow.
"So if Seonghyeon sits over there for the rest of the day—"
"I don't care."
"You looked."
"I did not."
"You looked twice."
"I was looking at the wall."
"There was no wall."
"There was emotionally."
Martin nearly fell over laughing.
Even Keonho laughed, was easier that way. He handed the phone back, the joke moved on, and veryone forgot about it. Except he didn't.
-
Later that evening, while everyone waited for the vans, Keonho found himself sitting alone for the first time all day. He pulled out his phone, and God he shouldn't have. He knew that, but he still did. The same discussion appeared again.
Keonho always initiates.
I think Seonghyeon doesn't care anymore.
He barely even looks at him now.
Poor Keonho honestly.
He locked his screen immediately, chest tightening, eyes blurry.
Because people only saw what happened in front of cameras. They didn't see Seonghyeon quietly handing him the warmer jacket because he always forgot one. They didn't see him texting after practice.
Did you eat?
They didn't see him waiting by the elevator because Keonho tied his shoes slower than everyone else.
They didn't see him reaching for Keonho's sleeve for half a second before remembering where they were.
They didn't know.
How could they?
Still.
The words lingered.
-
When everyone finally climbed into the van, exhaustion settled over them like a blanket. James put headphones on. Martin immediately started talking anyway. Juhoon leaned against the window.
The city lights slipped past outside. Keonho sat down,a moment later someone slid into the seat beside him, he didn't need to look, he just knew.
For a while neither spoke, the silence wasn't awkward, it never had been between them.
Seonghyeon stared out the window, hoodie sleeves pulled over his hands, he truly looked tired, not physically, just quietly. The kind of tired that stayed behind the eyes.
"You okay?"
"Hm?"
"You've been quiet."
"So have you."
"I asked first."
A tiny smile.
"I'm okay."
Keonho nodded. He didn't believe him.
-
The dorm was still far away when the van stopped at a red light, the inside had become almost completely silent. Keonho glanced sideways. Seonghyeon was holding his phone, the screen hadn't moved in several minutes.
"You've been looking at the same page forever."
"I know."
"What is it?"
"...Nothing."
"Liar."
Seonghyeon hesitated. Then, after another few seconds, he simply handed the phone over.
Keonho looked. The comments, the same ones, maybe worse.
He doesn't even seem to like Keonho anymore.
It's obvious only one of them is trying.
Keonho deserves someone who cares.
Keonho felt something twist painfully inside him, he handed the phone back, neither spoke. Finally, Seonghyeon let out a quiet laugh, except it wasn't really a laugh.
"Maybe I'm just bad at showing it."
Keonho turned so quickly that his shoulder bumped against the seat.
"What?"
Seonghyeon kept looking ahead.
"They're not wrong."
"They are."
"I don't really..."
He searched for words.
"...do things the way you do."
"You don't have to."
"You always reach for me first."
"So?"
"You always start conversations."
"So?"
"You always—"
"So?"
Seonghyeon stopped. The van hummed softly around them, outside, another stream of lights passed by.
Keonho looked at him for a long moment.
Then, quietly,
"Do you know why I do that?"
"No."
"Because every time I think about not doing it, I last about five minutes."
For the first time that evening, Seonghyeon looked at him properly, expression softening. Keonho looked away first.
"I hate this."
"What?"
"This."
He gestured vaguely between them.
"Having to think about where I sit. Whether I should look at you. Whether people will say something if I fix your hair."
Seonghyeon didn't answer.
"I miss you."
"We've been together all day."
"I know."
"So how can you miss me?"
Keonho laughed quietly.
"Exactly."
-
The van started moving again, no one else seemed awake anymore. James had fallen asleep with his headphones still on, martin's head leaned against the window, juhoon hadn't moved in ten minutes.
The darkness inside the van made everything feel smaller. Closer.
Keonho let his hand rest between them, not intentionally, just there. A few seconds passed then he felt something… A fingertip, lightly brushing his, he looked down, Seonghyeon's hand had shifted, barely touching his, and neither moved.
The contact lasted only a second, then another, then Seonghyeon's little finger hooked around his.
Tiny.
Ridiculous.
Enough.
Keonho smiled despite himself.
"You counted today."
"Hm?"
"The times you wanted to come over."
Seonghyeon looked surprised.
"How did you know?"
"You always count things."
A small laugh escaped him.
"...Twelve."
"Twelve?"
"I stopped counting after lunch."
Keonho's chest ached.
"You idiot."
"I know."
"I thought you didn't notice."
"I notice everything."
Another silence settled between them, however this one felt different… safer.
Their pinkies remained linked. Then, slowly, almost cautiously, Seonghyeon's hand turned over, his fingers slipped into Keonho's. A proper handhold now.. warm.. steady. Like something returning home. Keonho squeezed once.
"I wanted to sit next to you."
"I know."
"I wanted to tell you about the joke James made."
"I know."
"I wanted to steal your drink."
"You always steal my drink."
"I know."
"I wanted to fix your hoodie."
"...I know."
The words came easier now.
"So why didn't you?"
Seonghyeon looked down at their joined hands.
"I thought maybe I should stop making it obvious."
"And did it work?"
A tiny smile appeared.
"No."
"No."
They both laughed, very quietly. The kind of laugh that belonged only to tired people who understood each other without trying.
For another minute, neither spoke.
Then Keonho whispered,
"I wish people knew."
"Knew what?"
"How much I like you."
Seonghyeon blinked.
"I know."
"No."
Keonho shook his head.
"I mean... properly."
He laughed at himself.
"Loudly."
The word hung between them.
Outside, the city kept moving.
Inside, everything seemed to stop.
Seonghyeon's thumb brushed once across the back of Keonho's hand.
"So do I."
It was almost impossible to hear.
Keonho turned, they were close now, close enough to see the tiredness in Seonghyeon's eyes, close enough to notice the tiny smile he was trying to hide. Without thinking, Seonghyeon leaned just a little closer until his forehead rested briefly against Keonho's temple.
No one else stirred.
No one else saw.
The touch lasted only a heartbeat. Then he pulled away.
"I'm not good at showing it."
Keonho looked at him.
"You are."
"I don't think so."
"You are."
"How?"
Keonho smiled.
"You always wait for me."
That seemed to catch Seonghyeon off guard, he lowered his eyes.
After a moment, he whispered,
"I'll keep waiting then."
The van slowed to a stop. Someone at the front announced that they were home.
The spell broke. Their hands separated a second before the lights came on. James stretched., martin yawned, juhoon blinked awake. The doors opened, and everyone climbed out into the cool night.
As they walked toward the dorm, their sleeves brushed once.
Then again.
Neither stepped away.
Somewhere online, strangers would probably continue debating whether they had drifted apart.
Whether one cared more than the other.
Whether there was anything left to save.
Keonho almost laughed at the thought.
If only they knew that the hardest part had never been loving Seonghyeon.
It had always been pretending to do it quietly.