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Something was wrong.
Uvlo noticed it in the morning as he and Shunye had their breakfast, the Shetona’s food barely touched.
He felt it during their abnormally slow walk towards the Wachumeqimeqi Market.
He glimpsed it on his bondmate’s face as they worked, a sullen expression as he filled out orders for clients and wished them well.
He heard it in the absence of their idle talk throughout the day.
Every time Uvlo tried catching his gaze and offering a smile, the alchemist seemed to be looking elsewhere, lost in his work. While the older leporine was never the most energetic of people, there was a heavy slump to his shoulders, and his stocky ears were sagging. Perhaps he was feeling overwhelmed by the increased business of their shop?
The Veena’s cultural desire to serve, enhanced by his deep affection for his lover, drove him to work extra hard that day. He organized their wares twice as fast, did all the shopping, meticulously stacked their backstock into neat piles, and had fresh tacos from Aunt Tii’s waiting on the table when it was time for a break. Each time he announced a completed task, he longed for a satisfied, proud, or even just a relieved smile on the Shetona’s sun-kissed face. But still nothing changed.
Uvlo was worried.
Was Shunye suffering from some sort of illness?
Had a customer upset him in some way that he wasn’t talking about?
…Was he doing something wrong?
The Viera decided that a change in tactics was necessary. While the bonded pair had agreed to keep things mostly professional at the Apothecary, displays of affection were not forbidden. Besides, wouldn’t Uvlo be doing their shop a service by making its owner happier? He waited patiently for an opening, a lapse in business that would allow him to get close and not interfere. Thankfully the kami provided as one of their regulars went on his way with purchase in hand leaving no one left in queue.
He casually approached, trying to make what happened next feel as natural as possible. Standing behind his bondmate, his arms draped lovingly around him, pulling them together into an embrace. The shorter man momentarily tensed against his chest, then relaxed. An umber hand briefly reached up to touch his clasped wrists, an acknowledgment of Uvlo’s presence, but it soon dropped back down to the Shetona’s side. It felt like he was hugging a piece of stone.
This is fine…This is fine! You just need to try a little harder to make things better! The Viera steeled himself and rested his chin on the shorter leporine’s shoulder.
“Hey…” he said softly, not knowing exactly what he wanted to say yet.
“Mm. Hello, Uvlo.” The response sounded so distant and emotionless.
“How was Jakoo Ja doing today? Has his shoulder improved?” Uvlo inquired.
Shunye shrugged. “Somewhat. We may need to suggest some exercises to accompany the supplements.” No further elaboration was given.
The gatherer frowned. Talking about work clearly wasn’t the answer. Perhaps what came after they closed shop?
“Any thoughts on what we should do for dinner tonight? We do have some-” he glanced down at the Shetona’s half-eaten lunch, “leftovers…”
“Hmm. Haven’t really thought about it. Was there something you wanted?” Shunye asked lethargically. There was a surge of frustration in Uvlo as the question was returned back to him. He was fine. Shunye was the one clearly needing support. What did he need to do to make that happen?
“Umm. Nothing in particular? It’ll just be nice to spend some time at home after work together…” he buried down his agitation, running his hands along the alchemist’s body in comforting strokes and kissing his cheek softly. Shunye bore his neck to Uvlo’s attentive lips. However, it did not feel sensual, more like he was being accommodating of Uvlo’s wants. His mind ran frantically through all the things they liked to do as a couple. There had to be something among them that could make his bondmate feel better!
“I love you…” he whispered, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice.
His partner at last looked at him, although it felt like they were stars apart in his lightless red eyes. “I love you too.”
Pain dug like a knife into Uvlo’s chest and traveled down to emotionally gut him. His arms fell away and he stepped back. For the first time in a long while he was awash with a sense of failure. He sank down to his knees, a gesture of submission he had picked up in the East, and bowed his head.
“Forgive me. I shall leave you be!” he choked out before ducking out the side of their shop. Amidst the crates and supplies he braced himself against a wall, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. Why had nothing worked? He loved Master Shunye so much and he couldn’t even bring a glimmer of a smile to his face when he was clearly sad! He let himself cry alone for several minutes, the emotions having nowhere else to go. After his initial outpouring of tears subsided, he sniffled and glanced back towards the shop. What was he supposed to do now? There wasn’t much of the workday left; perhaps he could just hide here so that he didn’t cause more of a scene. It’s not like he was being a good partner right now anyways…
Walking over to a crate he glumly sat down, trying to make himself as small as he currently felt. The rustling of the tent flap announced Shunye’s presence, and he rapidly wiped his face in an attempt to be presentable.
“May I sit with you?” the red-haired leporine asked. Uvlo nodded numbly and made space for his bondmate. The Shetona perched himself on the crate, hands fidgeting self-consciously in his lap.
“I just wanted to say that I understand and recognize you have been trying make me feel better… and that this isn’t your fault.” The older man let out a long sigh, staring off into the distance.
“Ever since I lost my first family something has changed inside of me. I understand that grieving is a natural and important emotion, but this sadness has remained a part of me over the fifty summers which have followed.”
Uvlo listened in silence, the noisy crowds of Tuliyollal fading into the distance as he searched for new insights into how his lover thought and felt.
“It’s as if every morning I am given a candle to light and show to the world. Sometimes it is full and ready for the day; other times it is already half-used. I can make no requests of the state of my candle and, whenever the wax fully melts, the light sputters and dies. I cannot demand another candle for the day, merely hope the next one I receive will be fuller. I often see others with their whole candles, flames shining beautifully, while I’m left in the shadows. I can hold up my extinguished candle and assure them that it was alight not long ago, and that I will bring a new one tomorrow, but it is hard for people to see. And, sometimes, I think I make them feel uncomfortable that they have their candle and I do not.”
“But…but couldn’t they share their candle with you?” The Viera asked meekly and his lover for the first time today smiled, although it was still tinged with sorrow.
“They can…and sometimes that works. But other times it makes me feel like a burden. That was their light to shine today and there’s no guarantee I can ever repay their kindness because I do not know when I’ll have a candle like that again. And such thoughts are painful…and…and frustrating!” Master Shunye’s hands tightened into fists. “And I think that’s why, until you and Esca showed up, I could not keep anyone to help me with the business. Every day the candle I received never seemed to get taller and it was…”
The Shetona frowned, clearly deep in thought about if he wanted to continue speaking. At last he seemed to arrive at a decision. “I want to tell you something that I have told no one else.”
Uvlo’s ears flattened in trepidation, afraid of what truth his lover might reveal. But, if listening was what the grieving man needed, then he would not back down from it.
“Tell me…please?”
Having his consent, the Shetona continued. “Several moons ago, before you arrived into my life, I had a particularly severe feeling of helplessness. As I walked to work, my vision dimmed, as if swallowed by a dark mist and I saw the sky ablaze with falling stars. I was terrified it was the same calamity that had destroyed my previous village, but no destructive heat crashed down upon me. Instead, a cold and distant chorus of women’s voices sang to me that life across the stars had no meaning, no happiness, no love, and to simply embrace oblivion where I would finally find peace. I knew if I followed that siren song it would be all over. My candle would never be lit again.” The alchemist stared out hauntingly across the ocean and Uvlo reached out tentatively to hold his hand.
“On that day, my love, I almost said, ‘Yes. End it. Anything to escape this frigid, lightless emptiness of my life.’ Before I did, however, I heard my dear Oheesha’s voice.”
The Viera’s eyes widened at the name of Shunye’s late wife. “She spoke to you from the Lifestream?”
The shorter leporine shook his head forlornly. “I wish I could say for certain. All I do know is that the voice told me I would find my light again in the sky and clouds. I just had to wait a little longer…When I looked back up, things had returned to their normal, beautiful blue. No one else around me seemed to see nor hear what I had witnessed, and I wondered if my grief had truly caused me to lose my mind. While it has never happened since, it plagued my mind many a night afterwards.”
Shunye was breathing heavily, a hand clutching at his chest. Unable to stop himself, Uvlo pulled him into a tight hug.
It was several tense seconds, but the Shetona lifted his arms and hugged him back. “I need you to understand, Skybun, that you were that promised light. There will be times like today when I am still saddened and it may take a day or two for me to brighten again, but such changes are no failing on your part. It is not a lack of effort or love, merely the size of the candle I am holding. When I said I loved you today, even though it did not have the same passion or energy as other days, it was still said with all the belief I hold within my heart.”
Relief, a cool and soothing balm, spread out through Uvlo’s wounded spirit. “Thank you for telling me, Shunye…I was so worried that I had done something wrong.”
His lover looked at him, light returned to his eyes as it reflected off his tears. “Oh, my sweet, kind light…never.”
They continued to embrace in that simple side alley, not caring about the looks they got from passersby or who might be lining up in front of the store. Uvlo realized that he still had much to learn about his first relationship, especially with someone who, despite what others might see as distant, was the gentlest and most beautiful soul he had ever met. This conversation ultimately did not fix everything in one clandestine moment. He would need to respect his bondmate’s feelings and be ready for when the sad days eventually came. However, it was his deepest wish that perhaps such days would be fewer and farther between now they were together, and that they could look for other ways to help make that happen.
For now, though, he silently whispered thanks to Oheesha’s memory, wherever her soul might be, for saving his lover’s life that day. While he received no response or divine visitation, the tender weight resting in his arms was all the affirmation needed that he was exactly where he was meant to be.