Chapter Text
Kageyama Tobio was 13 when he realized he was gay.
It wasn't like he was in denial, though; he'd just never thought about it— in fact, he'd never thought about being with anyone at all.
Boys his age were already starting to talk about other girls, about how pretty they were and the butterflies they got just thinking about holding hands or giving them a small peck on the lips. However, Tobio never really understood the appeal; he might've even thought they were all making it up.
You see, Tobio wasn't really a smart boy— he barely passed his classes, he didn't exactly have common sense, and he was quite oblivious to social cues.
But despite being a little slow-witted, Tobio had a gift.
When it came to volleyball, he suddenly became a genius on the court. It was like he was one with the ball— his precision, his speed, his perfectionism, and more importantly, his passion, were all things that made him an exceptional player.
It was also what made him an asshole.
Not on purpose, of course. Tobio already knew he was good, and he worked relentlessly hard to be better every day. What he didn't understand was that not everyone had been born with the same talent he had and that it didn't necessarily mean that they weren't working as hard as him. This gap between what came naturally for him and what others struggled to achieve often left him immensely frustrated, and it was this, mixed with his poor social awareness and short temper, that made him come out like an overbearing bastard— which was why he didn't exactly have any friends.
But that was okay for Tobio— he didn't need any friends, not when he had volleyball. He'd find a way to play alone if he needed to; after all, volleyball was truly the only thing that really made him feel those butterflies the boys in his class talked about.
Well, maybe he felt it when he looked at a certain upperclassman, too.
Not that it meant anything.
He admired all of his upperclassmen, really, but Oikawa Tooru, a fellow setter whom he firmly believed was one of the greatest setters, was at the top of his list by far. Oikawa was everything he wanted to be: respected and capable of making every player on the court shine, and even if the guy didn't like him that much, Tobio still thought wonders of him.
The way Oikawa played, with the kind of fierce passion that demanded everyone's attention, and how his muscles flexed every time he served the ball with enough force to shake the entire court, how effortlessly he set the ball, how he wiped the sweat of his face with his shirt; how he smiled. But that was all simply admiration he felt for the third-year's enthusiasm for the sport he loved.
Tobio was truly an idiot.
° ° °
It was late, and practice had already ended, but Tobio had wanted to stay a little longer to work on his serves. He wasn't the only one, though; Oikawa and Iwazumi Hajime, another upperclassman, were there too.
From the other side of the court, Tobio had been watching Oikawa serve over and over, refusing to stop until he got it right. He had also watched Iwazumi repeatedly try— and fail— to convince him to stop and go home to rest.
Tobio truly admired Oikawa's determination; the way he poured everything he had into improving and never stopped, not even when he was satisfied. He especially admired Oikawa's killer serve. It was incredible, something worth praising, which was why he had spent the last several minutes building up the courage to ask him for help.
Finally, he decided to approach him with a soft smile.
“Oikawa-san,” he said, “please teach me how to serve.”
Oikawa turned towards him, looking surprised and staring at Tobio a few seconds too long. But Tobio didn't mind; he was excited. He had been wanting to learn to serve the way Oikawa did for months, and he was finally getting the chance to ask. He even thought Oikawa might have been happy to share his knowledge.
That's why it came as such a surprise when Oikawa suddenly lunged toward him, hand raised.
Tobio barely had time to process what was happening before Iwazumi grabbed Oikawa by the arm and stopped him, his expression unlike anything he had ever seen before.
He looked furious.
“Calm down, you idiot!” Iwazumi shouted.
Everything went still for a few seconds; not even a fly could be heard in that gym, until Iwazumi lowered Oikawa's hand slowly
“Sorry…” Oikawa murmured.
Not understanding what was going on, Tobio could only stare at Oikawa, who was mirroring his surprise, but who also for some reason looked terrified.
Then Iwazumi turned to him. “Kageyama, I'm sorry, but we're done for today.”
“Oh yeah, okay,” Kageyama said as his attention snapped back.
Still confused, he then began to walk away to leave the gym, though not before eyeing Oikawa one last time. He headed out to the clubroom with his mind racing. All he had done was ask Oikawa to teach him how to serve, so he did not understand what had happened for him to have such a reaction.
I must have done something to piss him off, he thought as he approached his things.
But what exactly? He didn't know.
He changed back into his school uniform and quickly packed his bag, then headed back towards the gym, already thinking about what he was going to say.
Oikawa-san, I'm sorry I… asked for your help?
No, that didn't seem right.
I'm sorry I… I…
He frowned. It was really hard for him to know what he was apologizing for when he didn't know what he had done. Still, the idea of his favourite upperclassmen being mad at him made his stomach twist, so whatever he had done, he was going to apologize.
As he approached the gym doors, he realized it was quiet. When he had first left, he could hear Iwazumi yelling at Oikawa, but now there was nothing. Maybe they already went home, he thought at first, but he hadn't passed them on the way out of the clubroom, and their stuff was still there, so they should still be inside.
He took a deep breath.
“Oikawa-san?” he said as he opened the gym door slowly.
He was completely unprepared for what he saw.
Iwazumi and Oikawa hadn't moved far from where they had been standing before, except now they were standing closer— much closer. Iwazumi was facing the door, his hands resting on Oikawa's waist, while Oikawa's back was turned towards the gym door, one hand pressed against Iwazumi's chest.
And they were kissing.
Huh?
Tobio blushed as his bag slipped from his hands and hit the floor with a loud thud.
The two of them sprang apart.
Oikawa shoved Iwazumi away and whipped around to see who had entered, and for a brief moment, he somehow looked more terrified than earlier when he had almost hit Tobio.
Then he saw him, and his expression twisted to rage.
“Why the hell are you back?!” Oikawa shouted as he stormed towards Tobio.
Tobio flinched.
“I…”
“Did you come back here to mock me?!”
“No! I—”
“What? You what?!” Oikawa snapped as he got closer. “You came back to see what else you could do to destroy me?! Wasn't it enough to take my place?! You just had to come back when nobody asked you to!”
“Oikawa…” Iwazumi said, approaching him.
“You know what your problem is?” Oikawa continued with gritted teeth as he grabbed Tobio by the collar. “You think you're better than everyone just because you're some sort of fucking prodigy.”
“Oikawa,” Iwazumi called again, louder this time.
“No, that's not—” Tobio tried quietly, his eyes watering.
“Well, guess what? You're not!” Oikawa yelled. “And now it turns out you're a fuckass stalker too! You were just waiting to see what dirt you could find on me, huh? Just so you can finish fucking me up!”
“TOORU!”
Iwazumi grabbed Oikawa by the arm and yanked him away from Tobio. Oikawa rounded on him immediately.
“NO! Iwa, can't you see that—”
“TOORU, STOP!” Iwazumi begged, the desperation in his voice cutting through the gym.
Oikawa froze.
"You're freaking him out,” he said, pointing slowly at Tobio.
He hadn't moved. He stood rooted to the spot, his hands trembling at his sides. Tears blurred his vision, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath. Oikawa followed Iwazumi's gaze, and for a moment, all the anger drained his face.
The gym fell silent.
After a few seconds, Oikawa jerked his arm free from Iwazumi's grip; he couldn't look at either of them, and without another word, he shoved past Tobio and disappeared out the gym doors.
“Tooru,” Iwazumi called after him, but he was already gone.
Silence settled over the gym. Tobio stared at the floor, crying quietly.
“I…” Iwazumi began. “I'm sorry.”
Tobio looked up slowly.
“I'm sorry he reacted like that; it wasn't fair.” he paused as he rubbed a hand over his face. “It's just…” The words seemed to get stuck in his throat. Then he looked directly at Tobio. “Please don't tell anyone…”
Tobio blinked.
“Please… if people found out….” Iwazumi swallowed. “If people found out we were kissing…” He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.
Tobio kept staring at Iwazumi, and for the first time, he realized Iwazumi looked as terrified as Oikawa had.
“I won't…” Tobio said quietly, almost whispering as he wiped his tears with his sleeve, "I won't tell anyone.”
Iwazumi let out a shaky breath as some tension left his shoulders. “Thank you.”
For a few moments neither of them spoke. Then, Iwazumi glanced towards the open doors where Oikawa had disappeared.
“I'm sorry he said those things.”
Tobio looked down.
“He didn't mean them.”
But the words felt wrong, because Oikawa had sounded like he meant every. single. one.
“You're not a stalker,” Iwazumi continued, “and everybody doesn't hate you.”
That one had hurt the most.
Tobio bit the inside of his cheek to stop the tears from coming back, and all he could do was nod.
Iwazumi watched him for a few seconds, then began to walk out the door, but stopped after a few steps out of the gym, turning slightly back to Tobio.
“Hey, Kageyama?”
Tobio slowly looked up and turned to Iwazumi.
“Thank you,” he said softly, “for keeping our secret.”
Tobio hesitated, then nodded.
Iwazumi gave him a tired smile before turning back and walking away towards the clubroom.
The gym felt enormous as Tobio stood alone in silence, his bag still lying where he'd dropped it.
Everybody doesn't hate you.
The words echoed in his head.
Iwazumi had meant well, and Tobio knew that. But the more he thought about it, the less convinced he felt.
Nobody ever really wanted to spend time with him— he ate lunch alone, he walked home alone, nobody ever invited him anywhere, and they only ever looked for him if they needed something from him. He had always known he didn't have any friends. Still, he thought people at least tolerated him. They surely found him annoying sometimes, but not unbearable, not unwanted.
His chest tightened.
Maybe Oikawa was right.
Tobio tightened the grip on his bag as he wiped away the tears that were beginning to form again on his eyes, and headed home.
That night, however, as hurt as he was by what Oikawa had said, he could not get what he had seen out of his head, so when Tobio arrived at his room, he went directly to his laptop.
Oikawa and Iwazumi had been kissing.
He didn't even know it was possible. He knew boys dated girls, that they kissed girls. But boys kissing boys?
He opened his browser and began searching. One search led to another, and another after that, and by the end of the night, he had learned what it meant to be gay. Suddenly, his admiration for Oikawa seemed a lot less like admiration and a lot more like a crush.
The realization made him happy —except for the fact that Oikawa apparently hated him and that he was with Iwazumi— but happy nevertheless. He wasn't so different from the boys in his class after all. When they talked about girls and the butterflies on their stomachs, Tobio didn't really understand, but when he thought about boys… he finally did. For the first time in his life, he didn't feel like an outsider.
A small smile appeared on his face.
Then it slowly faded.
But then why did Oikawa-san and Iwazumi-san react the way they did? Why did they look so terrified?
Oikawa had called it a dirty secret.
Tobio returned to his laptop, this time searching for what people thought about being gay.
And that's when he found them.
Articles.
Forums.
News reports.
Comment sections.
Page after page after page of people calling it disgusting, of calling it unnatural.
He found stories of people being rejected by their families, of people being bullied, of people being killed and killing themselves because of it. He found he was never going to be able to get married or have kids, as same-sex marriage in Japan was illegal.
His stomach dropped.
The happiness he'd felt only minutes before curled into fear. That must have been why his upperclassmen had looked so scared, why Oikawa had been so angry. Maybe there really was something wrong with it— something wrong with him. It was not enough that people already hated him for his personality; now he had something else to add to the list, amazing.
That night, Tobio cried himself to sleep.
Kageyama Tobio was 13 when he realized he was gay, and he was 13 when he realized being gay wasn't exactly okay.