Chapter Text
I am not going to die.
I told myself. There was no way I was gonna die. I repeated the words in my head. I kept lying to myself like I always did. But I didn’t believe myself. Not even in the face of my own damned death would I finally be able to believe the lies I tell myself. And now I won’t be able to find out if I ever get the chance to now that I’m dying.
It hurt. Being picked up like a bale of hay and thrown against the fountain. Before I knew it, I was dunk backwards into a freezing cold fountain in the middle of the freezing cold night. And then again. And again. The Socs were taking this way too far. Not even getting jumped and cut with a blade yesterday or having Darry basically throw me across our dining room could even come close to the experience of drowning.
I fought hard. I swear I tried but a fight with however many guys versus me just ain’t fair. I wanted to see Johnny, what was happening to him. I didn’t know if he was getting beat up as badly as I was. I was sure if he wasn’t, he’d come over to help me by now. He wouldn’t have abandoned me yet, right? I wouldn’t blame him if he did, though. The Socs could have scared him away.
But that’s not like Johnny at all. So, where was he? Was anyone there? I’m alone. I didn’t want to think that but I’ve come to realize I’m probably alone and dying. But… But I don’t want to die! What did I ever do to deserve this? I’m only fourteen! I’m just a kid for God’s sake!
I wanted to start bawling. I couldn’t fight back against them any longer and my arms were getting tired, so I was forced to be fully submerged and held under the water, now without the short bursts of air. Now, even if there is a possibility of someone happening to be nearby, I lost the chance to scream for help. I wish I could have been stronger. Maybe if I was more careful I wouldn’t have died.
If I hadn’t run away in the first place we wouldn’t be in this mess. I can’t help myself. I didn’t think Darry loved me and the fact he hit me had confirmed it. But it’s not true. Even if all the facts line up, I can’t bring myself to believe it. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I tell myself Darry hates me because it was easier to just label it that way. In all honesty, I’m just scared of the truth.
For someone who’s dying, I started to feel kinda cool and laid-back. It’s not acceptance I don’t think. I don’t want to die. If that’s a lie, at least I believe it. I think I’m just not ready. There’s so much I love about life even though there’s all the rough edges. I love my family. But now I never get the chance to live in the country with my best buddy, Johnny, and the rest of the gang like I dream. I’ll never grow up. I’ll never see Soda’s face ever again. I’ll never find out if Darry really loves me or not because now…now I’m dead.