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Day 567
Why is it that I was stuck in this body? When you have grown up in a certain way, with certain perceptions of how you should look and be like, it is perplexing for how you should feel in accepting your new form.
I have not yet reached the stage where I brutally accept my fate as a ‘frog’. (But I am luckily not slimy. It’s just that this is an avatar.) But I am beginning to doubt the very ability to leave this place.
A part of me also worries that the outside world is not as we actually imagine. That our memories are fragments of when the world used to be normal and that we have perhaps entered a war or something of the like. Like Danganronpa, or something.
Oh, god. Why is it that I can remember the name of that game but not my actual one?
Day 717
I wonder if there’s even anything to live for.
I don’t even know if I have a home to return to.
Day 755
There was a newcomer today. Like everyone else, he had trouble adjusting to his new body. But at least he’s funny. Thank god for that— since Kaufmo absolutely sucks at it.
But if I were to be honest, he seems to be more relieved than shocked to be here. I don’t have any authority to pry, but I do wonder what it is in the real world that could have made him happy to stay in a place like this.
I wish that I could be happy about being trapped in this position. It has been a little more than two years and yet… I am unable to find a reason to live on.
Day 811
He called me cute.
I know that it is in a joking and teasing manner, but it has been a long time since my heart fluttered like this. And it somehow puts me at ease that he was calling my personality cute. Having only been here for 56 days, I don’t think that his perception of reality has become so distorted that he thinks that this body is cute. Surely…
I miss this feeling.
Day 867
Okay, maybe I am the one who is going insane and having my reality distorted.
Because I found his smile slightly cute. Just the slightest.
Yes yes yes. Exaggerated cartoon bunny features. But his personality still shows in his mannerisms, okay! Surely, someone has to see the vision.
Jax is starting to have a bit of a mischievous streak… he seems to have an obsession with keys. So I think I better keep my diary letters hidden in a safe place.
Day 885
We sat under the stars.
My hand nearly crept onto his; I might have hallucinated, but I swear that his did too.
Day 914
I know that you try to hide it, but you actually have a kind side to you. You try to hide it with your mischievousness, but I know that you didn’t simply offer to help me run away from the monster in todays adventure because it would ‘benefit’ you. I saw kindness in those eyes. Kindness that must have been hurt by whoever hurt you in your previous life.
If you would allow me to, I would dearly wish that you could talk to me about it someday.
Day 942
I wish that we could have met in the real world. But I guess the rationale is that at least by knowing that there is a feeling in my chest that signifies love… It must prove that I am human.
There’s no other way to go about it. I want to get closer to him.
Day 959
Jax,
You blushed when I put on that bow.
You felt something, didn’t you?
Day 961
Did I say something wrong? Why is he avoiding me?
[Entries in between this time period seem to have been ripped out.]
Day 1,189
You know… the most fascinating thing about the human psyche is that it isn’t meant to be bound. My mind is barely being stimulated by these ‘adventures’. And the worst part is that there is no reward from them. There isn’t any end goal or challenge. Having each day of my life controlled by the random prompts generated by a machine feels meaningless.
It’s funny. I remember that when the first AI launched in 2022 that we didn’t think that it would end up controlling our lives so much. I remember back in the real world that people even killed themselves because of AI–
But if it weren’t for the meaningless ‘adventures’ that Caine sends us on, I’m not sure if I would be this sane.
Jax, I saw you today. As I do every day, but—
Day 1,372
I might be reaching my limit. Isolation sucks. I am losing my last ounces of sanity.
I would die for a nice cup of coffee… with company.
Kinger is the only person who doesn’t seem to be avoiding me. So I teamed up with him and talked, although it was quite difficult to keep a consistent conversation. Today's ‘adventure’ was under the stars and about who could find the hidden ducks. It was fun to occupy myself, I guess. But we still lost because I didn’t have the heart to actually bother with it.
One thousand, three hundred and seventy two days, huh? That must mean that we’ve gone through one thousand, three hundred and seventy two ‘adventures’. Pathetic.
It is as if I am stuck in eternal nothingness.
I remember you and Kaufmo laughing alongside me here. I remember it vividly.
It was one of the last times I truly felt safe.
Day 1,477
Jax,
[I know that it has to be you reading this. No one else would have the key to my room.]
Sadly, if you do happen to be reading this, it must mean that I have abstracted. It is the last thing I wanted, but in doing so, I hope that I am finally at peace.
I have tried to convince myself many times that I needed to be patient. But even if there were an exit, I don’t know if the ‘real world’ is anything better to turn to. You would understand that the best, wouldn’t you?
We used to get along so well. I found solace in you. I
I’ve ruminated about the world we live in for a long, long time. And in not having much else to do, I thought about you too.
It was hard, wasn’t it? Judging by how you reacted, you must have never been comforted by anyone. I was almost able to. I was close.
But if a person doesn’t want to be helped. What can you even d
I tried again and again. But with each of my attempts to reach out to you, you ran further and further from my sight.
Forgive me if I hurt you by saying this, but I cannot help but feel hurt for the way you have treated me as well.
With each time you shoved me away, I held tightly onto my feelings of the previous you. But the more I think about it, the more that I cannot tell what was real and what was not.
I feel as though none of your smiles are genuine.
I understand that you must have gone through a lot, but despite that… is that still enough reason to ignore me? Especially given the situation we are in?
At first, I thought our distance was temporary. The reason I held onto what we used to be is that, believe it or not, you once saved me from insanity.
I’ve never admitted this to you, but... before you entered the circus, I was near the edge. I’d nearly abstracted only a few days before you came.
Do you know how much you meant to me?
When you lied to me about your story being fake, I knew that you were lying. It was a defense mechanism, wasn’t it? Because of this, I wanted to give you the necessary time and space to process everything. But then, you started acting incredibly unlike the Jax I had known before.
I went back to being alone. Although my love for you used to be enough that I could handle it.
I braced myself. I kept holding onto that love.
But when even Kaufmo started distancing himself from me, and you began to divert your attention to other people, I… didn’t know how to feel. There are so few people in this circus, and so few people that I could seek advice about this.
In truth, a part of me is angry at you for telling Kaufmo that I am a liar. After all, that is all you are. But I am so numb that I cannot bring myself to even show that I care.
I know that you are scared to open yourself up. But if I were to be frank, the way you are acting is selfish. And I feel foolish for ever getting my hopes up. I cared so much about you, and this is somehow what I get for feeling that—
Well, whatever. If this is your own sickening way of regaining your autonomy from being trapped here, then I’ll leave you to figure it out yourself. I’ve barred this unfair treatment long enough. And I don’t see any point in staying in this world longer.
I used to love you. But I’m not s
I wonder what it could have been that your mother said to you. She must have really pushed you to the brink for you to get this defensive over your past. But, in the same manner— you just had to keep pushing all my buttons until I finally broke, didn’t you?
I want to forgive you Jax. I truly do. But I tried talking it out with you and all you did was deflect. I’ve spent my whole life being a doormat, and so I won’t take responsibility for something you inflicted on yourself.
Sincerely,
R.
“What a joke.”
Ribbit… loved him.
Jax traces his hand across the diary page, feeling the edges of his eyes grow watery. As usual, he made the wrong choice. He stares at the glove on his hand, heart sinking as the latex starts metamorphosing into black nothingness.