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“Marina...” Ira says. I look over to her. She's facing the ground. Her hair is a mess, but she’s still beautiful. I could look at her all day. I don’t care what people say. I don’t care.
“Hm?” I lean slightly towards her, and she moves her head to face me, but she looks away. Her eyes are a pretty color... I find myself staring at them even if she doesn’t reciprocate.
“When will we fall victim to the disease?” She finally works up the courage to look at me. Despite the question, I focus on anything else. The room is cold. Around 40°, the heaters stopped working a few days ago. Lev says he’ll get on that. I focus on Ira. Her eyes. Her hair. Her flustered expression. I need to answer her question.
I muster up the courage, “We won’t.” I’m lying. She knows I’m lying, I know I’m lying. There was no point in saying that. “If we’ve survived this long, we can survive tomorrow. And the day after that. And after that. I swear we will.”
It’s dumb. Really dumb. There was no point in saying that. Theres no point in saying anything. We’ll all die, anyways. This entire moment will just be a memory, give it a second. Her face tells me everything. She knows I’m lying, but wants to believe me. I’m glad she still can believe me. I’m glad the pills haven’t affected her as much as they’ve affected me.
I shouldn’t feel any of this. Literally, and physically. I shouldn’t feel this way to her. I should be saying him, but I could care less. I don’t even know how I feel this. I really don’t. My heart aches; but I don’t really feel it. I just know it. I love her. I love her, in a way no girl should. We’re girls.
“We won’t.” Ira says, snapping me out of my thoughts. “We can’t. We know that. The pills only make the whole process take longer.”
She’s right. She’s always right. When has she been wrong? I shouldn’t have told her. I lie a lot. Too much. I lie about a lot, like telling Vadim I wasn’t gay. Haha. That’s a stupid thought to have now. I don’t care, though. I don’t care that they’ll never let me love Ira.
“Vow to me.” I say. I don’t even know what I mean. Ira looks at me, confused. I think I look a little shocked too. I start speaking again before I can even really process what I said, “vow to me that we won’t leave each other alone. Vow that we’ll be together, even in the code.”
Ira looks at me, shocked. I shouldn’t have said that. It was too confusing. It was stupid. Thinking about it, feeling this way about her not only wouldn’t be allowed, imagine her family's reputation. I don’t care about her mom and dad, but I know she cares about her little brother, so I do too. And her reputation. I know she can handle all the bullies and that she doesn’t really care, but I still don’t want that for her.
“Okay.” She says. It’s so matter of fact. She seems comforted by it. At least I didn’t mess up too much. I feel like my thoughts are scattered. I feel like I’m panicking. I don’t know about what exactly. “How... exactly?”
“I don’t know. You read romance, shouldn’t you know?” I laugh. It’s almost genuine. Almost. I wish it could be. For her.
“I-It’s not just romance! There’s history, and action, and!—” She stutters trying to explain herself, and I giggle. That one is more genuine. She seems to realize it, and just looks away. “Let’s just do your stupid vows...”
Vows. Like we’re getting married. I wonder what our vows would be. If we got married. Maybe they would be something like:
“Okay, Ira these are the vows,” I start, “Repeat after me. Even in life and death,”
“Even in life and death,”
“We’ll stay together.”
“We’ll stay together.” She’s smiling. I can only imagine because of how stupid this is.
“No matter what, because I, Marina Kaplan,” I hope she doesn’t repeat my name too. I can tell she’s thinking about it.
“No matter what, because I, Ira Grachevskaya,” Okay, she didn’t.
“Promise to be by Ira Grachevskaya’s side,”
“Promise to be by Marina Kaplan’s side,”
“Because...” I love her. I can’t say that. I won’t say that. That’s the end of the vow. I love you, Ira. Will you say that back? You won’t. Because we can’t, or because you don’t feel the same, I’ll never know. I like that, actually. At least I can pretend. “...Because she’s my best friend.”
“Because she’s my best friend.” Ira looks at me. It sounds like she doesn’t like the word best friend. Are we not? Sorry. Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for thinking like this. I’m sorry.
“Feel better now?” I smile at her. Please forgive me for making you do this. I’m such a bad person. I’m a liar. I made Ira do this for no reason. It doesn’t even matter.
“Yes, actually. Thank you.” She smiles back at me. Her smile is cute. I think we’ll be fine, but I still shouldn’t be thinking like this.
“Y’know, it’s getting late, you should probably head back...” I say, even though I really, really don’t wanna. I want her to stay, I want to hug her, I want to kiss her.
“I mean, I could... Or, I could stay at yours. It’s not like my parents would care.” She says, and her smile disappears. She looks flustered again. That seems to be the theme of the night.
“Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.......... If you insist.” I exaggerate, stretching my arms.
We both laugh. It’s genuine.
————
She left me.
She’s gone, and I’m still here. Why? Why is the world like this, why is the code like this, why is the universe like this?
At least Ira spent her final moments with someone she loved.
Even if it wasn’t me. Even if it couldn’t be me. It’s okay. I’ll join her soon. Then our vows won’t be broken.
Are our vows broken?