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“Aye Jamie!” Duang’s loud shout resonated in the whole courtyard. People turned their heads to look at the cause of disturbance in the quiet peaceful time of the evening and shook their heads when they saw it was the same three people who always were the cause of disturbance.
Jamie and Pae laughed as Duang’s bag flew between the two, and below the bag was Duang himself. Running aimlessly with his hands in the air trying to catch his bag. He had a frown on his face and his eyebrows creased but he just couldn’t help it when a small laugh left his mouth which was quickly covered by a groan.
Jamie and Pae stuck their tongues out at Duang and ran towards their university. “Go cry to Khun Qin about it!” Jamie shouted at him, Pae’s hysterical laughter following it along with his claps.
Duang stopped in his tracks and put his hands on his hips, releasing a huge sigh. Suddenly, the voices around him drowned into the background, his smile dropping and a heavy rock making its way into Duang’s heart.
He felt frustration climb up to his neck and he rubbed at it. He knew there was something wrong with him. It was obvious. Because one moment he’ll be the Duang everyone knows and loves. But the other moment, everything changes.
He doesn’t know how to describe it. He doesn’t think he ever will. But, he knew that deep down a wave of loneliness would pass by him. Making his heart, which is just so full of love, turn into an empty void. One that keeps piling the little thoughts he avoided thinking of into that void.
Tiw once said to Qin that he was like a hollow pit. Pouring love into it that he couldn’t get back. He was wrong. Qin wasn’t the one who was hollow. He was. He doesn’t deserve Qin. The man who trusted his life with him. The one who has shown on multiple occasions that Duang is the one he loves. But still, Duang ends up thinking it’s all fake. A persona made to not hurt Duang.
Guilt replaces frustration.
‘Qin isn’t like that.’ Duang reminds himself. He’s sure that thoughts like these are the ones that make his heart so heavy. He clutched his chest and counted to three, blowing out the candles. He plastered on the smile he always kept safe in his pocket and ran towards his friends.
He keeps the thought that he’s making these feelings up in the back of his mind, willing it to not make an appearance anytime soon.
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Duang fussed at Jamie and Pae as he rushed down the stairs, searching in his bag for his phone. “Come on! I’m going to be late to pick up Qin!” He lifted his head up to look at his two friends.
They hate you. They’re just here with you because they feel bad.
Duang shook his head at the intrusion and placed his gaze on the snickering boys. “What?” He asked.
Pae’s eyes darted to the end of the staircase and Duang followed it, feeling delighted at the scene.
”Qin jaaa!” Duang practically flew down the rest of the stairs and pulled Qin into a bone-crushing hug. He was glad for Qin. Being with him made the encroaching thoughts disappear. Being with him made his heart feel lighter.
Qin slowly, but carefully, placed his hand on Duang's back. He felt the days tension seep out of his body and saw his shoulders relax, letting himself melt into Qin for a moment before pulling away.
Qin gave himself a minute to take in Duang’s face. His eyes were deep, filled with things Qin couldn’t decipher and below them were light bags pulling at his eyes. Qin let himself believe it was the workloads doing.
”What are you doing here?” Duang asked, a wide grin on his face and a soft tone in his voice. “I was coming to pick you up.” Suddenly, Duang’s face shifted into a pout as realisation dawned on his head. “Or am I really late?” He screamed.
Qin didn’t bother stopping the smile that tugged on his lips and he rolled his eyes, fondly. “No, Our professor let us go early. So, I thought why not wait for you like how you do for me.” Qin averted Duang’s eyes as he saw them light up and his pout turning into a loud, loud smile.
“Uiiii! Qin! You’re so cute!” Duang fell onto Qin and rubbed his cheek against his. “How did I get a boyfriend so cute? What did I ever do to get you?” Duang rambled on but something made all the alarm bells ring in Qin’s brain.
Duang often said things like these. Like not being worthy enough for Qin. Like he was someone who’s not the right guy for Qin. He always got uncomfortable by this. This time was no different.
“Duang.” Qin said, frowning but never pushing him away. He never will.
“Hm?” “Don’t say things like that.”
Duang froze. He peeled himself away from Qin and nodded. A bit too quickly to be considered natural.
“Are you two lovebirds done?” Jamie shouted from the back. “Because I am sta-a-rving!”
Qin and Duang laughed. Each having their set of thoughts in mind.
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The groups chatter filled the homey restaurant with noise. However, it is to note that only three of them were the ones chatting, the fourth just sat back and smiled. It’s not who would think it is. It is Duang. His smile was bright but his eyes were hollow. The hands in his lap trembled slightly. It wouldn’t be obvious to others. But it was for Qin.
Ever since high-school. From the day he saw Duang being chased by Jamie and Pae. He observed. By the time Duang asked to win his heart, he almost knew everything about him. From his schedule to his facial expressions. It continued even after they started dating. He noticed the minuscule shifts in the mans face, in his body language.
From the naked eye, Duang would look like himself. Tired, maybe. Quiet even. But Qin saw the way his eyes zoned out every now and then.
“Duang!” The four mens head followed the sound and came eye to eye with Funan, Duang’s older brother.
Qin whipped his head towards Duang. He frowned. Why? To see his reaction? Why would he need to see what Duang reacted like when running into his brother?
All these questions flew out the window when he saw the slightest of change on Duang’s face. He face fell but just as quickly it was replaced by an exaggerated pout.
“Hiaa! What are you doing here? Papi sent you here to spy on me again, didn’t he?” He crossed his arms on his chest and turned away, sulking a bit.
Qin thinks he might’ve imagined it. Because it was Duang, sulking. But he felt it might be something way bigger.
“Ohoo! Do you really think that bad of me and Papi?” Funan said harmlessly. He smirked at his brother and pulled a chair to sit beside him. “You’re such a bad son.”
There it is. Again. Qin had noticed that Duang’s family, particularly his brother and father, would say degrading things to him. For example, you’re such a bad son. You can’t do anything right. You’re so lazy. Qin didn’t like that either. He mentioned so to Duang a while back, but Duang reassured him that it was “normal”. Just the way they are. So, Qin kept his mouth shut.
Duang took a deep shuddering breath and tried to save himself. “Well, I wouldn’t accuse you guys if you hadn’t done it in the first place.” Duang narrowed his eyes at Funan.
Qin drew back. Back into his mind and back into his thoughts. But never letting go of the gaze that sat on Duang. Duang’s face and Duang’s body.
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Cold water splashed against Duang’s face and he fought a violent shiver running down his back. His eyes glanced at the mirror in front of him and he could barely recognise himself.
His eyes were rimmed red, controlling the wave of tears that were just waiting to crash onto the shore which was Duang’s face and his lips pulled tight across his features.
He had showered without Qin today, allowing him to wallow in his sadness. He had pretended that the tears that rolled down his cheeks were water droplets from the shower.
However, looking at his red nose and swollen eyes, there was no denying that what he had done was indeed nothing other than crying.
He didn’t know why he cried. He didn’t know the reason for this deep ache which had settled in his chest so far back that he couldn’t reach it. It just lived with him. Followed him. Some days, it would let Duang breathe. Wouldn’t show up for sometime. Other times, it consumed his soul. It made Duang a mess. Falling apart so quietly that no one noticed. And Duang resented those who didn’t notice. Who never tried to notice.
Duang tried to breathe. His chest rejected that breath. It constricted so tight leaving no space for even his heart. His trembling hand clutched at his chest, trying to pull apart his ribs and make space but failing. Always failing.
The dam was bursting. One drop. then another. Then soon, a whole bunch of them dripping onto the counter. Duang tried to suck in the air desperately but it felt like he was stick in a vaccum. He gasped and looked at his hands. He gasped again. One that grasped his shirt, and the other that gripped the marble counter.
He tried to pull his focus onto his hands. To focus on the knuckles that were turning white. But, oh. Duang couldn’t see through the blur that were caused by the endless wave of tears.
His attempt at swallowing in a breath was interrupted by the huge lump in his throat. It pushed against his adams apple. He gasped again and placed his palm against his mouth. He fought with himself. Making sure that his pathetic gasps didn't leave the proximity of the bathroom.
What would Qin think?
He was pathetic. Truly. He was already lame enough with how he acted with Qin. A stupid child. He wouldn’t let Qin see him this way.
He got reminded of a TikTok he had seen the other day. It was a mom who held out her fingers and told the crying child to blow the candles out which forced the child to take deep breaths and calm down.
So, that’s what Duang did. He didn’t put his fingers in front of himself. Instead, he imagined the candles and tried blowing them out. He let the tight grip on his shirt ground him and the candles to even his breathing.
Thud Thud Thud
Duang jumped high as he heard the loud but soft knocks on the door, his heart rate picking up and hitting hard at his constricted ribs.
“Duang! Honey! Are you okay?” Qin’s voice felt like a breeze that fluttered across his skin and the grass that brushed against his fingertips. It felt like a pure summer day and it had the ability to wash away all the dirt that accumulated in Duang's brain.
“Yeah…” Duang said meekly, then cringed. He scrunched his nose at his thick voice, clogged with the attempt of being quiet. He cleared his voice and said once again, “Yeah!” More clearer. More cheerful. “I’ll be out in a minute!”
Duang resented those who didn’t notice the misery he was drowning in when he himself in the one who he should be resenting because he never allowed anyone to look after the mask that covered his face. Duang sighed and splashed his face with cold water again. Yet another reason to hate himself.
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When Duang pushed open the gate, he was met with a worried Qin who lifted his head and frowned immediately.
He got up from his place on the bed and rushed towards Duang. He placed his soft, warm hands on Duangs cheeks and carressed his thumb across his eyes, then his nose. His eyebrows almost touched each other and Duang smiled, genuinely.
“What happened, Duang? You can tell me.” Qin’s voice shook and concern lined his face.
Duang lifted his hand and pushed his finger in the middle of Qin’s brows, making space for the skin in between. “Stop worrying. I’m fine. And before you say anything,” Duang interrupted before Qin could speak. “I had allergies.”
Duang cursed at himself internally and laughed at the face Qin made. It was one of the most judgemental faces he had ever made.
“Duang. I know damn well that that isn’t allergies. Do you think I’m stupid?” Duang was quick to notice the hurt that flashed across his Qin’s face and suddenly, the light breeze felt like a storm.
“No…” Duang grabbed Qin’s arms, squeezing tight just so he wouldn’t run away. Just so he knows that he’s still here. His Qin is right here. “It’s not like that. I swear.” Duang tried to explain but the words, they wouldn’t cooperate. They wouldn’t leave his throat. He swore underneath his breath. The iron clasp on his neck came back.
”I- I didn’t mean to lie to you. But, I’m okay. I swear.” Duang choked out, trying not to let the whirlpool of things in his brain consume his soul once again.
”No you’re not, Duang.” Qin said softly. He pried away Duang’s hand and interlocked his fingers with his. Qin never let his eyes leave Duang even once. He tried to make sure that Duang could see everything he’s trying to show him through his eyes because just like Qin is Duang’s Qin, Duang is Qin’s Duang. And if his eyes can’t portray that fully then he’ll let his words say it for him.
”I know you’re not okay, Duang.” He continued as he saw the question in Duang’s tilt of the head. He took a calming breath and started. “Do you think I don’t notice how sometimes you just-“ Qin paused, not sure what to say.
”How you just shut down. Like you want to be alone but don’t at the same time. I notice the way you freeze when your brother and father say something that hurts you-“ “That’s normal, Qin. I’ve told you that before as well.” Duang said, gripping Qin’s hand tightly.
“You think it’s normal. It’s not. You get hurt by it Duang. Don’t you always say that when I get hurt, you get the worse part of it?” Duang nodded solemnly. “The same goes for me.” Qin was exasperated, trying so hard to get his point through.
“You get quiet sometimes and that is so unlike you and whenever I ask you don’t tell me. You never do!” Tears started to push against Qin’s eyes and he swallowed down the lump in his throat. Duang’s bottom lip quivered and his nose started to take on that red hue. “I’m trying so hard to show you that I love you and i’m trying to reciprocate your actions but you won’t let me Duang!” Qin’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m here for you…just like you are for me.” He sniffled and squeezed Duang’s hand.
Duang was no longer looking at him. His eyes were on the floor and his shoulders quaked. Soft sobs leaving his mouth. Duang let go of Qin’s hands and instead replaced it with an embrace against his shoulders, sobbing into them. Qin let a few tears escape and rubbed his back. Letting the love he had reserved for Duang and Duang only seep into him, to make him complete again.
Duang took in air roughly and nuzzled his face into Qin’s neck, shame and desperation running down his neck and into his chest. “I don’t know, Qin. I really don’t know.” He sobbed out. He gripped onto Qin like he was his life support. If unplugged from him then maybe he might not survive. “I don’t know why i’m like this. I’m so hurt and sad all the fucking time! I don’t get it. I was okay, Qin!” He pulled away just slightly to look at him. It made Qin’s heart break. The snot running down his nose and his blotched, teary face. It tugged at his heart. Qin nodded and ran his fingers through the hairs on the nape of Duang’s neck. “I’d gotten better. Why is it getting worse again?”
Duang continued. “I’m supposed to be happy! I have you. I have Jamie and Pae. I’m sad and I don’t know what to do about it! I have so many reasons and none at all.” Duang’s was drowned out by his own sobs and Qin pushed his head back into its original place. He couldn’t bear it. The look of pure anguish on his face was more than he could ever bear.
Oh. My sweet Duang.
Qin tried to blink away the fresh, hot tears but the sound of his Duang’s sobs right against his ears just wouldn’t stop.
Stop. Please. God. Make his pain go away. I can’t see him like this. I never asked you for anything. This is all I ask for.
————————————————————————
The clocked ticked forward in the quiet of the room and the bedsheet rustled as Qin caressed Duang’s head. He was lying on Qin’s chest, listening to his heartbeat.
“You said that me being like this was unlike me.” Duang started, the quiet shattering like a piece of glass. “I don’t think so. I think…I just- I just am like this. There’s something seriously wrong with me. And you’re right. I’m not okay. I just pretend like I am because…” Duang paused for a moment. “Because it’s easier like that. No one asks anyways. So, it’s even easier to pretend. But then, I hate it when no one asks.” He looked up at Qin and his heart filled with warmth as he noticed the love and focus simmering in his eyes. “Isn’t that so wrong?” Qin hummed, letting his hand wander aimlessly around Duang’s back.
”No. I don’t think so. In a way, you’re just looking for acknowledgment. That you’re not imagining it all.” Qin replied. Duang wondered for a bit. Qin…was right. He was looking for acknowledgment. “You said you have so many reasons to be sad but none at all. What are the reasons? Can you tell me?” Qin said, his voice low. As if him getting louder might break the bubble they’re in right now.
Duang looked away and shrugged. “I don’t know.” He mumbled. “Assignments, my dad, my brother. You.”
Qin frowned. “What?” Was he too harsh on Duang sometimes? Qin knows he’s toned it down a bit but sometimes he is a little bit harsh. “What did I do?” He asked, slowly panicking.
Duang shook his head. “You didn’t do anything. You’re just a reason that I think alot. I don’t really get it. You make me happy. I forget all these depressing thoughts when I’m with you and- yet you are the thing that constantly roams my mind.” Duang picked at the stray threads on Qin’s shirt and continued. “I always wonder if I will ever be good enough for you. And sometimes…I think you’re with me because you felt pity for me or something. but then I feel guilty because you’re not like that. You love me.”
“I do. I love you so much Duang. And I hope you know you are more than what I had ever imagined for myself. Which is not alot to be fair. But still. You are more than enough and I will always be grateful that I have someone who loves me and cares for me as much as you do.” Qin pulled Duang into a tight hug and placed a soft kiss on the crown of his head.
“I know. It’s just- my brain can’t accept that. Especially on these type of days. On the days when i’m…normal I don’t think these things.”
They lapsed into silence, letting the cool air of the air conditioning wrap around them and the whistling air outside became their white noise.
“My heart feels heavy. I don’t know why. But it hurts to breathe because of it. Papi and Hia make it worse.” Duang started abruptly. The silence of the room and the comfort he was receiving in the form of Qin made his heart open up along with his mouth. The words rolled down his tongue with ease.
“Duang. I think…you should go to therapy. These episodes aren’t good for you. And you deserve to feel happy without expecting this.” Qin said, his heart hurting to even suggest it.
“I know.” “Hm.”
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“You have persistent depressive disorder. It’s a continuous form of depression. You may feel sad or lose interest in daily activities. If you get talk therapy it will eventually get better along with antidepressants.”
Qin and Duang nodded as the doctor diagnosed Duang. Qin kept his hand interlocked with Duangs and rubbed his thumb across his knuckles.
The lobby was quiet as Duang stared at his diagnosis. He then scoffed. “Guess there really was something wrong with me.” Qin sighed and rubbed his back. “You’ll be okay. You have me.” Qin smiled at Duang and Duang smiled back. A fond look could be seen in his eyes. “Yeah.”
Do not worry about Duang, for he will be okay. Because he has the love of his life with him. He has his friends. Instead, worry about yourself, dear reader. Who seeks the comfort you crave in the stories beyond your screen.