Chapter Text
The familiar bitterness swept over me as I hunched over my desk, hand gripping the small flask tightly, staring down at the open mouth as if it held the answers I so desperately sought.
Looking up surreptitiously, I made sure the door was closed and that my secretary had left for lunch. We spoke little, and while I am sure she announced when she was coming and going, I paid little attention. Then, leaning back, I upended the flask and drank the dark, fragrant liquid within. The familiar burning sensation led to a numbness that allowed the papers strewn across my desk to come into focus.
Stowing the flask back into the top drawer, I pulled one sheet to me and filled it out, a requisition form. Soon I was well into the papers, the few visitors that needed something quickly having their requests seen to before departing, their expressions not well concealed. Some looked concerned, others with trepidation, and a few with disgust at my obvious inebriation. I didn’t care. I didn’t fucking care one whit!
The day grew long, and I waved as my secretary ship said goodbye. Someone came by with food that I picked at, and when full night was upon the port, the lights winking out one by one; I pulled open my drawer and drew out a bottle, staring at it and doubting myself for only a moment.
“Kommandant.” A stern voice brought me back to consciousness, and I looked up at my secretary, the little German shipgirl crossing her arms, her nose turned up in disgust. “Go get cleaned up.”
“Yeah, yeah…” I said, and stood, my head spinning as I looked down at the empty bottle on the desk. The bottle that had been sealed the night before. I felt my stomach groan, and an all too familiar sensation had me hurtling to my quarters, where I could be miserable in peace.
***
Around midmorning I found myself able to function again, a fresh uniform and a shower doing wonders for my appearance, if not my mood. I grabbed breakfast and returned to the office, coffee and a bagel in my hands. When I arrived, my secretary was waiting for me, looking as annoyed as always, if not more so.
“You have a visitor.” She announced, and sure enough, a young Ensign was sitting on the edge of my sofa, looking at me furtively as he fingered an envelope in his hands.
“Yes?” I greeted him without preamble.
“Sir, I was sent to deliver this to you.” He held out the envelope. I snatched it from him and tore it open, and upon seeing the subject line, my jaw clenched.
“Go,” I ordered, and he hesitated.
“Sir? I was ordered to…”
“I gave you an order. Stay here if you need to, but not in my office. Go screw a shipgirl, there’re plenty who’ll pounce on you given half a chance.” I said acidly.
“Kommandant!” Z23 glared at me, taking a step forward. I just stared at her.
“Doesn’t apply to you, obviously. So what if I have not only the misfits and fuckups, but the most promiscuous set of boats any of my ilk has ever seen? You think I don’t know what they get up to out on the town? I had to ban civvies on base after I ran into an entire group of those idiots leaving the dorms multiple nights in a row!”
The destroyer just glared at me before turning on her heel and storming out of the room.
The Ensign just stood there, apparently shocked. “Sir… if I may…”
“You may not. Now go. Have your fun and go back to HQ.”
The letter sat on my desk. I didn’t have the strength to open it, but neither did I possess the conviction to look away. A shaky hand slipped into the drawer and pulled out a bottle, the amber liquid within filling it about one-third. Always need a backup.
I drained it in one pull, waiting for the burn to turn to numbness before I unfolded the letter and began to read.
The further my eyes traveled down the page, the greater the feelings of rage that edged into my consciousness. It was even signed by the capital-a Admiral himself! I closed my eyes, my heartbeat pounding in my ears as my breathing grew ragged, forced to relive the memory that tore at my sanity day after day, a nightmare I could never escape.
I pulled my service weapon from the holster and shoved it between my lips, the cold barrel pressing painfully against the roof of my mouth as my finger tightened imperceptibly on the trigger.
Then, with a great scream, I tore it away from my face and pointed it at the crest above my office door and pulled the trigger, not stopping until the gun clicked dry, the slide racked back; the crest ridden with holes as it slipped off the wall and landed in front of the door with a dull thud.
I threw the gun from me, hearing it smack against something solid as I clutched at the edge of my desk, blood boiling even as footsteps slammed on the marble floor outside.
The door flew open with a thud, and Z23 stood there along with three members of the military police. I glared at them, my jaw clenched painfully tight.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I growled.
“Sir, we heard gunfire!” The petty officer in charge stepped forward.
“Just a little target practice! Return to your posts!”
“Sir, I can’t just…”
“It’s… shit… it’s…” I searched for the name of the shipgirl in my mind. “Columbia.”
The POIC froze.
“Columbia, right? Your wife?” I stared at him, a hollow feeling forming inside me as I did what was necessary to cover my ass.
“Yes, sir…” he swallowed.
“These shipgirls, loyal to a fault, but time is still precious…” I continued.
“Sir, I apologize; we’ll forget this happened.” He spoke in a rush.
“Great, great… wouldn’t want to have to send her on an extended mission.” I said, and he looked relieved as he quickly backtracked out of the room.
The shipgirl waited until they were gone and closed the door with the kind of force that made it very clear how she felt.
“Really? You’re a real piece of work!” Z23 stormed over and poked me in the chest, her digit jabbing me again and again as she enunciated each word in her accented English. “You’re going to fuck his wife if he doesn’t refuse to follow protocol?”
“What? No! The hell? That’s horrible!”
“Hah!” the destroyer barked a humorless laugh, then noticed the letter on the desk. “Bad news? Gonna eat your sidearm the next time?”
“Almost did.” I said absently, and she grew quiet, looking at me reproachfully.
“I don’t know what you did that got you sent here, but you’re just one more fuckup in a port full of them. Every single one of us has dirty laundry, Kommandant, but maybe you should try to clean yours up before someone airs it out. At least try to be better than those you supposedly command.”
Without waiting for a response, she returned to her desk and sat down. I did the same, glowering at the open letter. I balled it up and tossed it onto Z23’s desk. She looked up.
“Read it.” I said and crossed my arms, leaning back in my chair.
She opened it, and her look of indignation softened, then turned to horror and finally the worst emotion of all: pity. She looked at me, and I turned away, unable to bear the look on her face. “Now you know.” I said simply.
“But… how?” She asked, and I shook my head.
“Please. I already had to relive it once today. I will beg for death if I have to do it again.” I sighed and stood, grabbing my coat and leaving the office. “I’m going to the bar. Just… sorry.”
I left without waiting for a reply, though I could still feel her eyes boring into my back even as the door closed behind me.
***
My presence was unusual anywhere outside of the admin building, and most didn’t know what to make of it. A few tried to greet and salute me, but I paid no attention to them. I could feel the chagrin; an unpopular, distant commander who never acknowledged his subordinates wasn’t how I thought I would turn out, but here I was. An asshole with no desire to change a damn thing.
The bar was for people who wanted to talk to other people. I had no desire for such community, so I took a booth in a far corner and began the slow descent into losing enough feeling to sleep without fearing the dreams to come.
Sinking into the soft fabric of the booth, I rolled the tumbler in my hands, the ice inside clinking as the dregs of the drink within tempted me with its promise of deeper inebriation.
Then, a presence slid into the booth opposite me, a dark mass framing her body. I looked up and stared dumbly into a face I had never seen before.
“Who’re you? What do you want?” I asked a moment later. A kitsune was never a good omen. Why was she here? “Come to haul me off to military prison?”
“Humans could have done that.” She said, her voice like water over silk, a shudder running through me as I felt something brush against my leg beneath the table. “I chose to come here. I needed to.”
“Needed to? No one wants or needs to come here.” I said and waved for another round. To my surprise, she held up her hand to wave off the server, and, as if by magic, a bottle appeared in it along with two ornamental china cups. They were small, but she poured a generous measure of whatever was in the bottle into them.
I took the one she offered me.
“Kampai,” she said, and smiled.
“Cheers,” I replied and raised it to the Kitsune shipgirl before draining it.
The beverage was mild and had a note of sweetness that I actually savored before swallowing, but its potency could not be discounted!
“Do you like it?” She asked, her English only gently touched with an accent.
“It’s… sake, right?”
“Yes.” She nodded, her tails twitching gently behind her.
Through the fugue of mild drunkenness, I took in her appearance. Lilac eyes with a strangely red pupil, dark brown hair framing her lovely, delicate face, a sensuous mouth turned up slightly at the corners… and two vulpine ears swiveling gently atop her head.
I looked down and saw that a tail-tip had slipped along the table to slide against my open palm.
“Why?” I asked again.
She did not try to stop the strange attentions of her tail.
“Because I can. Do you not know who I am?” she affected a look of surprised hurt. I was too jaded to fall for it.
“Yeah right. I know who you are, Amagi. What does a carrier like you want with a disgraced commander like me? Is this some kind of joke? You come to this barren shithole of a rock from Tokyo to see the former commander of the joint fleet?” I couldn’t stop the bitterness in my voice any more than I could stop the wetness in my eyes.
Amagi just refilled the little porcelain cup and pushed it back towards me. This time I sipped at it, giving her furtive glances as I waited for her to speak. She did not. So for a time we sat in silence, my emotions growing calm as she continued to top up my drink, her bottle either much larger than it appeared, or something was keeping it filled.
“What do you know of Kitsune?” Amagi asked, and I stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out if this was some kind of test.
“Well, there are the rumors…” I said.
Amagi chuckled, a genuine sound of mirth that caught me off guard. “Yes, I am sure. Apparently our promiscuity is legendary!” Another soft laugh, and I cocked my head. “No, Shikikan. We are not inclined to open our legs for just anyone, regardless of who they are. The last man who tried to assert his perceived authority over me is fortunate. I left him one remaining so that he just may have children after all.”
She looked at me with such seriousness that I didn’t know if she was kidding. I squirmed reflexively, not wanting to imagine exactly how she turned two into one. Then her words hit me. “You don’t have to call me that. I’m not your commander.”
“Actually, you are.” She pulled out a letter, and sure enough, she was assigned here. “I had a couple of choices, and life at the palace is too dull for me. Akagi and Kaga and Nagato can manage themselves just fine now. Plus, it’ll be nice for the Admiralty to sweat for a change.”
“This… you came here to avoid having to stay in the Imperial Palace?” I looked at her, dumbfounded. “It says here your disciplinary file is sealed… but…”
“Shikikan. I am not kidding about what I did. No one touches me unless I want them to.”
Her tail caressed my hand again. I fought the urge to pull it away.
“Jesus…” I breathed, looking back up at her. “But… you’re a Kitsune.”
“So? I’m not immune to the consequences of my actions. I went too far. You’re here as well, and Shikikan… I know exactly what you did.”
Her expression changed so suddenly that it took me a moment to realize that it was because of me. I felt the hot wetness on my face, the constriction of my throat, and the pit of despair that festered inside me grow to titanic proportions.
In an instant I was enveloped in a softness so luxurious it would have made me moan with pure delight had I not just fallen off a cliff of hopeless self-deprecation. I felt tails wrap around me, cradling me as my head rested upon something soft and warm, the whole scene shifting from the corner of the port’s bar and into an idyllic scene, sun-warmed grass beneath the boughs of a cherry blossom in full bloom.
I fought for what felt like hours to regain control as I relived the memory, the loss, the pain, and the realization that made it all worse.
“I… have been lied to…” Amagi’s gentle voice reached me as I felt a hand on my forehead slide down over my disheveled hair, the caress as alien as it was comforting.
I wondered what she meant as I slid into a deep and dreamless sleep.
***
The softness of the leather couch in my office, the blanket atop me, and the urgent voices speaking in hushed tones reminded me I was still very much alive. I grunted as I moved myself into a sitting position, looking at the two shipgirls sitting in the armchairs across from me.
Their conversation halted as they looked at me. Z23 looked worried, and Amagi looked as serene as ever. “Good evening.” Amagi spoke first.
Z23 looked at me, giving me a feeble wave.
“So you have told no one other than this destroyer here of what happened? She showed me the letter as well. It seems the wider Axis has been led to believe a fabrication, a twisting of the truth, all to use you as a scapegoat. The Azur Lane, or, well, more specifically the Russians, have wanted to see you in one of their notorious gulags for quite some time.”
“Great.” I said and looked between the two of them. “Changes nothing, however. We’re still stuck here. A convenient place to shove a bunch of inconvenient individuals.”
I looked around for a glass, and had a cup of hot, fragrant tea pushed into my hands. Amagi nodded in encouragement, and I took a sip of the liquid. It was mild, pleasant, and quite delicious. Taking another sip, I thanked her before continuing on.
“The Admiralty needed someone to take the blame, to explain what happened, so they didn’t have to admit it was their own incompetence and refusal to listen to me that caused everything.” I held up my left hand, and Amagi twitched as she looked at my ring finger.
“So that much was true…” The pain in her expression set my teeth on edge.
“It took a long time to take it off. To have to acknowledge that it had happened. Knowing that I was the one everyone blamed for it happening, living with the memory of what the Sirens did to them, what they forced me to watch.”
Z23 sighed and stood, looking at me with that horrible expression of pity. “Kommandant, I… I need to…”
“It’s okay, Z23… Nimi…” I spoke in a voice so uncharacteristically gentle that she stared at me in shock before bolting from the room. I stared after her and felt drained.
“You seem fond of her.” Amagi said. I shook my head.
“Not like that.” I said, shaking my head. “I appreciate her, but she’s like a dau… she’s like the kid… she’s… she’s the only one who wanted anything to do with me when I got here, and I’ve been horrible to her. You saw the letter. How am I supposed to explain that? How am I supposed to tell anyone about what happened when the story that’s been fed to everyone is that it was all my fault? I’d be hated even more if they knew precisely what had been lost.”
My hands were balled into fists, nails digging into my palms as I looked up at Amagi. To my surprise, she stood and moved next to me with such elegance that I found myself transfixed by her bearing and demeanor, almost not realizing that I was once again being wrapped in gentle, soft, scented fox tails, all nine of them cradling me as she nestled me against her bosom.
The shipgirl was so soft, so warm… and for the first time since I could remember, it felt as though the shattered pieces of my heart thrummed with something other than the pain of loss.
“I won’t make you relive it. Though this is all I can do for you, comfort you a little, let you rest without drinking yourself to death.” Amagi’s soothing voice threatened to lull me back to sleep, and despite my best efforts to fight it, I found my eyes closing yet again as she held me, the softness of her tails, the comfort of her skin, and the reassurance of her gentle, musky-sweet scent sending me back into a sleep where the horrors of my past did not come to haunt me.