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Jungkook remembers the first day he saw Jimin--

Bright smile, crescent eyes, sculpted dancer form.

Projecting confidence in hopes that no one noticed the way his hands and voice shook as he bowed his greeting.

But Jungkook noticed everything. He listened to every word that Jimin offered them-- his name, where he was from, his qualifications. His stance was hard but his dark eyes were soft, giving away his act. As young as he was, it took Jungkook all of 30 seconds to figure out that Jimin wanted them to feel like he belonged with them, that he was the missing link to their success... but that Jimin himself wasn't sure he could do it. And Jungkook thought that made sense. They were already an established team of 6, working together for months before he came along. They already knew each other, had their roles. 

Jin was the visual.

Yoongi was the rapper and producer.

Hobi was their dancer and choreographer.

Namjoon was their leader.

Taehyung was their vocals.

Jungkook was going to be their all-around maknae.

It was an intimidating  situation to be dropped into the middle of. But Jimin seemed to take it all in stride. He didn't expect anything to be handed to him. He was the first to each and every practice, the last to come home. He didn't let finishing school take away any of his time. Sleep and hunger came second to what he was trying to do.

And Jungkook saw that it was a struggle. Jimin was a dancer so his vocals lacked confidence and the practiced ease he and Tae carried. He had to learn what his voice was capable of from scratch. While he had years of training, Jimin knew contemporary, not the hard, street style r&b moves they needed for the group image. On top of that, the management demanded more muscles, cut lines, tough attitude and less, less, less of himself. But he never let the wear of it show, and he still found time to look out for the maknae.

"You're from Busan, too?" He questioned, in their hometown satori, making Jungkook's chest ache and his stomach flutter for reasons he didn't fully understand. The younger boy just nodded in response and Jimin smiled. "I have a brother your age so you can call me hyung. I know we're going to be the best of friends. If you ever need anything or feel homesick, you can come to me, Ok?"

The butterflies in his stomach went wild.

In the early years, there was so little time for anything other than the group.

School.

Dance.

Singing.

Production.

Exercise.

Maybe a couple hours sleep

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

And through it all, Jungkook never lost sight of Jimin. He may have came to their company for Namjoon but his baby obsession with Jimin definitely kept him there, kept him going. His eyes always found Jimin, he mimicked him at every opportunity. They spent a lot of time together, practicing but also talking about Busan. Late at night when Jungkook missed his parents and his brother and everything that he found comfort in, Jimin would lay with him in bed and quietly whisper back and forth all their favorite places, accents getting heavier the more tired they became. Jimin became his little piece of home he could tuck into his pocket when he felt too far away.

They all worked together as a group, honing their talents and learning to move as one well oiled machine. And when the challenges became too rough, almost impossible, it was Jimin and Jungkook working together to make it through. That help was a big part of why Jungkook was shining. His vocals and dance were spot on, he was already starting to work on song arrangements with Namjoon and Yoongi. They started calling him Golden Maknae because everything came so easy to him. But it was equal parts perfectionism, determination and the support surrounding him that allowed him to do so well. Jungkook knew that.

On the outside, Jungkook had it all together but on the inside what started as strange flutterings were turning into a full on spiral of panic. As much as he enjoyed being around Jimin, he couldn't handle the weight of all the emotions being close to him evoked. He started to notice things on Jimin that some part of him knew he shouldn't-- the way his waist dipped, the liquid way his body moved when he danced on his own, his full lips, the way he laughed with his whole body and leaned into whoever was closest trusting them to keep his balance. Other people-- Jungkook hated when other people had Jimin's attention instead of him, hated when he could see people on the streets swooning over him when they didn't even know him. Who did they think they were to be so bold? Every day, Jungkook felt dizzy and like the world was tilted beneath his feet. Overheated and sweaty. Nauseous flipping in his stomach and metallic taste at the back of his tongue. When Jimin touched him, he felt like he could come out of his skin. Jimin made Jungkook nervous... and nothing, EVER made Jungkook nervous.

In his effort to make it stop, Jungkook did the worst possible things. 

Now what will we do?

Lose weight.

Rank the members on looks

Jimin is #7. 

It made him sick to watch the little ways Jimin dimmed each time. But once he started, he couldn't stop. 

They had a small break and everyone went home to visit their families. Jimin talked so animatedly about the joy of getting to go home, how they could meet up while they were there, Jungkook could meet his family and they could show each other their favorite places. He was so excited and seeing him so lit up made Jungkook feel weak all over. After everything Jungkook had been doing, Jimin STILL wanted to be around him. Jungkook had nodded, of course, hyung. But once he got home, Jungkook ignored every single call. 

While he was there, Jungkook worked up the courage to talk with his older brother. He explained all these emotions he'd been feeling, though he made sure to turn Jimin into a dancer, too worried about being completely honest. He didn't want to taint either his or Jimin's reputations. 

"It sounds like you have a crush."

"What?"

"Yeah I mean, it's pretty obvious. Surely you had crushes in school before."

Crushes in school-- no, he was too busy trying to finish his work so he could get back to practice and Jimin. Always Jimin.

Oh.

Jungkook folded in on himself, head between his knees to try and steady his breathing. Was this what a panic attack felt like? His brother rubbed a hand over his back.

"Hey! It's fine. I know you can't really date at the company. Even if you wanted to there isn't time but it's completely normal at your age, especially surrounded by all those beautiful people all the time. If they already work for the company, at least you know they're not after you just for being an idol right?"

But would his brother be so supportive if he knew the truth? Would his parents? Would they still find it so sweet and 'normal' if they knew it wasn't some random girl dancing for the company... but Jimin? He didn't sleep the rest of the time he was at home. He kept his phone off so he wouldn't even see Jimin's name pop up on the screen. He didn't want to face these feelings. He couldn't have a crush on a boy, on Jimin. They wanted to be the biggest K-pop group not just in Korea but the whole world and he couldn't afford to jeopardize that because of feelings for someone else in his group. Jimin had worked so hard to be the best he could be, so had the rest of them. And here Jungkook was trying to ruin it all? No, he refused.

When he went back to the dorm, he hid away until it was impossible to avoid Jimin anymore. 

"Hey! You're back! I thought we were going to meet up while we were back home. I was going to take you to my dad's cafe."

Jungkook rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I got busy. We see each other all the time. I didn't think it was a big deal."

Jimin blinked for a moment, the smile edging off his face. "Of course, Jungkook. I just hoped I hadn't done anything is all. I'm glad you had a good time with your family. I'm sure they missed you tons." His eyes dipped before he turned and headed off to his room. 

Jungkook was a horrible person.

After that, he watched as Jimin faded into the background. He made himself small and tried to go unnoticed in whatever room he was in. The laughter that Jungkook had loved so much became a ghost, somedays he couldn't even remember what it sounded like. He spent all his time with the hyungs or in extra dance and vocal classes. He slept even less than he had before. He got thinner...so so much thinner.

Jungkook saw it all...and he ignored it all. It felt like razorblades on his skin but he was slowly getting used to it. Cutting himself off from the person he liked most, the pain of it all, it was building a raging storm beneath his skin. He felt on edge all the time, watching to lash out and shout at everyone. It was starting to affect his dance and his singing, even his grades. But he didn't know how to stop it now that he'd started. And he was starting to worry one day he might just explode.

And then, he did. 

They were all in the dance studio. Jungkook felt weak, exhausted. He hadn't slept well in he didn't know how long. His muscles ached and he was frustrated with himself. They were all struggling but the choreographer had decided to make an example of Jungkook, pointing out every flaw like he was the weakest link in the company. It was pushing every button he had, challenging his perfection, his role as golden maknae. And he knew, Jungkook knew that Jimin was only trying to comfort him, like he probably had a hundred times before. But the second his hand touched Jungkook's skin that same electric jolt when through his body. Jungkook blacked out, reacting before he even realized.

Suddenly Jimin was against the wall, eyes wide and dazed like a cornered prey and Jungkook was some beast reared up and ready to break him to pieces. Frozen and scared... because of Jungkook. 

On the outside he stayed defiant refusing to apologize or back down but inside, he was shaking to pieces. He had never been violent a day in his life and now he was tossing Jimin...his sweet, previous, beautiful Jimin... like he was the enemy. And every time Jimin rushed out an apology, swearing it was his fault and taking the blame, Jungkook only broke a little more. By the time he left the studio, he was trembling so bad, he had to stop around the corner and lean against the building because he was afraid if he kept walking he might collapse in the middle of the street. If he got hit and killed by a car, he knew Jimin would blame himself and Jungkook couldn't let that happen. He was going to allow himself the rest of the day, to get himself together, to fully come to terms with his feelings. Clearly ignoring and pushing them away wasn't working. It was only making everything worse. It was hurting both of them. In the morning, he would find Jimin and he would make it all better. He would apologize, he would confess, and he would take the consequences.

Only when he woke up the next morning, Jimin was gone.

Gone.

How could he be gone?! He wasn't anywhere in the dorm. He wasn't answering his phone. Jungkook went to the company building. The studio and the dance rooms were all empty. No one had seen Jimin. When he came back to the dorm, he burst in the front door, barely taking the time to kick off his shoes before he raced into the living room. Namjoon and Yoongi were both on the couch, talking about the schedule when he drew their attention. 

"Jungkook? What's the matter?"

He was still panting, trying to catch his breath. He didn't know if it was the way he'd been running around or the quickly building panic inside him that was making it hard to breathe. "J-Jimin... gone... he's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?"

"I mean he's gone! He's not here. He's not at the company. He won't answer his phone. Gone!"

Namjoon signed. "Jungkook, just calm down for a second."

"I can't calm down! He's not here! What if he got hurt somewhere? What if someone took him?! We have to call the managers, we have to start looking, call the police, start a search party--"

"Jungkook!" 

The sound of Namjoon yelling shocked him into silence.

He took a steadying breath before he continued. "Listen, he's not hurt and he wasn't kidnapped. He's not missing. I was going to sit everyone down once they were up. He's fine. He left by choice."

"What does that mean, hyung? What does that mean? Where did he go?"

"I'm not going to share anything personal. Jimin will tell us if he wants to tell us. But he has some personal things he needs some time for, to work through. So for now he won't be here with us."

Jungkook felt like he was going to die. He had to be dying right? His heart can't stop beating and him still be alive.

"How long will he be gone?"

Namjoon shook his head. "I don't know."

Jungkook swallowed down the bile rising in the back of his throat. "He... He is coming back... right?"

At the question, Namjoon just looked sad and uncertain. "I hope so, Kookie. I hope so."

Turning, Jungkook ran down the hall, barely making it to the bathroom before he spilled the acidic contents of his stomach. He had no idea how long he was there dry heaving between sobs when Hobi came in and knelt beside him, placing a wet cloth to the back of his neck. He was saying soothing words, telling him not to worry and that everything would be ok. But Jungkook couldn't hear it, couldn't believe it over the noise in his head. His thoughts were too loud.

All he knew was Jimin was gone. And everything-- EVERYTHING-- was Jungkook's fault.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life without Jimin in it was dull, muted, quiet. It hadn't been that long that he'd known Jimin in the grand scheme of his life but already Jungkook couldn't remember what it was like before. When Jimin had been there, the sun shown brighter, colors were saturated and bold. Now in his absence, everything was washed out like every day was a cloudy day. It was worse than being in black and white because he could still see where the color should be.

For days, weeks, after Jimin left Jungkook tried to get Namjoon to tell him where he was. He talked to their manager, to anyone he could find at the company who might know but no one would tell him a thing. He would shout, he would beg, he would cry, but nothing seemed to work. 

"Jungkook, I'm not-- I don't want to make this feel worse for you-- but I don't understand where all this is coming from. I thought you didn't like Jimin. You've been ignoring him, being mean, you had that fight the day in the studio. Why are you so upset, so affected by this?"

And how could he argue with that? How could he explain? There was no way to explain without giving everything away. And Jungkook refused to tell anyone before he told Jimin.

"He needs time," Namjoon said softly, hand resting on Jungkook's shoulder. "If I told you where he was, you'd go off trying to force him back. If we want him to come back, we need to let him take care of himself and do what he feels is right."

After that, Jungkook faded. He stopped asking about Jimin, not because he stopped caring but because he knew Namjoon was right. Besides, he didn't deserve to have Jimin here, not after the way he'd treated his favorite hyung. He wasn't sure he deserved Jimin at all. The idea of making up for all he'd done wrong seemed insurmountable in Jungkook's mind. He wasn't sure Jimin would even want to listen. Wherever he was, he must hate Jungkook. And what if that hate for him sent Jimin away forever? How could they still be BTS without him? His own emotions aside, they didn't work without Jimin. They all had their roles-- Jin was still the visual, Suga their rapper and producer, Namjoon the leader, Hobi the dancer and choreographer, Tae as the vocals, Jungkook was the center and maknae.... but Jimin, Jimin was EVERYTHING. Jimin was the heart that kept them going, he pumped the blood through and gave them life.

A month, the longest month of his life. None of the challenges he'd faced had ever been harder than a month without Jimin there. Jungkook had a lot of sleepless nights that month, he refused to do anything outside of practice and recording. It meant a lot of free time, on his own, going through his feelings over and over again. It gave Jungkook time to feel as confident in what he wanted as he was in everything else in his life. Now all he needed was Jimin back so he could put his plan in action. Jungkook had never failed at anything he put his mind to.

He was up late, mind hazy with lack of sleep. He'd just been up to get a glass of water and was heading back to his room when he heard a noise. The door opening, soft foot falls on bare floor. When Jimin stepped into his vision, Jungkook was sure his heart stopped beating. 

"You're back."

Jimin jumped like a startled kitten, spinning around to face him. His face looked as dazed as Jungkook felt. "Hi." He breathed.

"Where have you been?"

"Didn't Namjoon hyung tell you?"

"He just said something about you having personal issues that you needed time for."

"Yeah-- I mean yes that was basically it. I needed to go home--"

"Your parents and brother are ok?"

"They're fine. I had to work on me. I um... gosh I thought I would have the night before I had to go into explanations... it's silly not to feel prepared when I've had weeks to figure out what I wanted to say."

What did that mean? 

Jimin moved ever so slightly toward Jimin, but he moved with caution, like he was approaching a wild animal he was worried might think he was about to attack, that Jimin didn't want to attack him. Something in Jungkook's chest twisted hard. 

"Don't worry, I'm staying over here."

But Jungkook didn't want that, he wanted Jimin to hug him like he used to, pinch his cheeks, ruffle his hair. He never wanted to be too far from Jimin ever again.

"I guess after our little run in, I realized that I had to do some work on myself. I haven't been a very good hyung to you Jungkookie, and for that I am really sorry. I've been clingy and needy and loud and really a pest the whole way around when it comes to you. And I guess it was because I wanted you to like me so much. Because I liked you so much. But that wasn't fair when you were showing me in every way possible that you weren't interested in the way I show affection. I should have been better and listened to you. I should have given you space. And I.. I understand if you don't like me and even if you hate me after the way I've acted. And I promise you that in my time away, I've come to terms with that and I will keep my distance. I won't bother you anymore. I will still work on being a good hyung though. So if you do ever need anything of course I'll be here, no questions asked. I just won't force my presence on you anymore, ok? You can come to me, if you want to that is. And maybe, hopefully someday you'll forgive me enough that we can be acquaintances again. But if not, I'll understand. But I hope you won't mind me at least being here and us working together in the group. I know the managers sort of got used to the persona of me following you around and being annoying but I've talked to them about that so hopefully they won't pair us together too much for you. I'll do my best to make sure any interaction is to a minimum to protect your space."

He wanted to reassure Jimin. He didn't have to work on himself, he was perfect. More than perfect. Jungkook wanted to rush him, wrap him up in his arms, tell him Jungkook was the wrong one. Jimin was beautiful, sweet, kind, more than Jungkook could ever deserve. But he wanted to deserve him, he wanted to be what Jimin should have. And he was going to work so hard to grow up and become just that. But his legs wouldn't move, his mouth wouldn't move. Jungkook was frozen.

He saw a soft smile, vaguely heard his soft tone saying good night. And then, Jimin was gone, slipping right out of his grip all over again.  But at least, he was back home. He was with them. Jungkook could work on fixing everything else tomorrow.

In the days that followed, there was a part of Jungkook that hoped that he would feel better just because Jimin was back in his orbit. Maybe they would go back to being ok, like he'd never made any mistake bad enough to make Jimin run away in the first place. But that was just childish dreaming. To his credit, Jimin never ignored Jungkook. When the group was together, he would share smiles and laughter, tip his head towards Jungkook to share a teasing comment about one of the other members. They interacted in the dance practice room and any time they were recording content or performing. They talked together around group business and planning schedules, sometimes agreeing and sometimes not but never an argument or a trace of animosity. But Jungkook could still feel the difference. The wall between them was glass, sometimes it was paper thin, but it was there. This distance that felt like a wound, partially healed but tugging at the scarred edges whenever Jungkook moved. So even though he was right there, close enough to touch...

Jungkook missed him.

God, he missed Jimin so much it felt like a missing limb, leaving Jungkook feeling the ache. When he sat in the background watching  Jimin interact with one of the others, Jungkook got a glimpse of that warmth, that brightness. His bell-like laughter rang through the spaces like it used to, bold and unfiltered. Jimin may have loved the moon but the light he gave was pure sunshine. He was warm with Jungkook when he had to be, but he was still on guard. Jungkook knew it was deserved but it still hurt.

Before he knew it, it had been nearly a year since the horrible day in the studio, since Jungkook had ruined it all. But they were both still there and to Jungkook that meant there was still a chance to try and fix everything for the better. He didn't know if he could ever get back to a place where Jimin might accept his feelings, and Jungkook had come to terms with that. But maybe, if he was gentle enough, if he moved slow enough... just maybe he could make them friends again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Graduation was where everything changed.

Jungkook had spent months before trying to gradually, quietly work himself back into Jimin's world.  In the group, he treated Jungkook like everyone else but with time of their own, there was always someone else he chose to spend time with. And it was good, more maybe than Jungkook deserved after how he'd acted, but he couldn't help but want more. He didn't want to be treated like Jimin treated everyone else.

He wanted to be the first person Jimin looked for.

The one he turned to whether it be for help, for comfort, to share his joy.

He wanted back nights of their heads pressed close together, murmuring quietly, letting their accents thicken as they dreamed of the future while holding on to memories of home.

And more, so very much more.

He wanted late night kisses and a different kind of whispered words.

Entwined hands. Secret looks. Dates on their own.

And intimacies Jungkook hadn't put a definition  or plan to. 

But those other desires came a distance second to gaining Jimin's friendship and trust.

It was a slow process at first, moving from his silent presence to gestures, making sure Jimin got his first choice of treats or the book he'd been looking for magically showing up on his bedside table. Then Jungkook started pulling Jimin into conversations, asking his opinion directly, asking him about his day. He always did it when they were in a group session, never making him feel cornered or forced to talk to him on his own. Then movies and dinners and afternoons out exploring.

With his graduation-- there was something about being seen as an adult about the need to make things crystal clear, to confess his wrongdoings and make his intentions known. He worried in all his subtlety Jimin may think he was glossing over what he'd done or trying to pretend it didn't happen, that Jungkook might not understand what he'd done. Throughout the day, he'd kept Jimin always at his side. It was Jimin's face he searched for in the crowd, not his parents or his other members.  And when he found him--

Jimin's eyes were beacons of brightness. His smile was wider than Jungkook had ever seen as he cheered and called Jungkook's name. He was louder than anyone else. Seeing him shouting in his support for Jungkook bloomed seeds of hope within the maknae's chest. This glimpse of the old Jimin who was so loud, so bold, so big big big. It made Jungkook believe all of Jimin's emotions that once overwhelmed Jungkook were still there, carefully caged under the surface as a form of self-protection. All Jungkook had to do was show Jimin was safe with him.

Jungkook was going to spend the rest of his life being Jimin's protector, he vowed it to himself. 

The world better watch out. And it was starting then and there.

Everyone kept telling him that the day was his. His to enjoy, his to celebrate, his to shine. But all Jungkook wanted was Jimin as close as possible. He made sure to keep Jimin next to him in photos, made sure he shared the same car on the way to dinner and back to the dorm where they planned a party. Between all the attention and the alcohol the hyungs allowed him, his face stayed flushed the whole night. It was getting late, everyone was tired and buzzed and nostalgic. 

Jin gave a dramatic whine, leaning into Namjoon's side. "I can't believe our littlest baby has graduated school."

"Hyung, I have not been a baby for a long time." Jungkook shook his head but there was a fond smile on his face. He never really minded being babied by his hyungs.

"You remember how cute he was when we first met him? Big eyes and teeth in his bottom lip like a little baby bunny." Hobi smiled. "Tae, were you the one that used to call him Bun?"

Jungkook had been glancing down the hall towards Jimin's door but his head snapped around at that. "Jiminie... Jiminie used to call me Bun."

"That's right, Bun and Mochi. He spoiled you rotten and you followed him around like a little shadow. You two were so adorable back then. Maybe you'll get back there someday."

Jungkook's heart clenched in his chest. I'm trying, hyung, I'm trying, he wanted to say but he couldn't get his mouth to work.

"Ok, as fun as celebrating Jungkook has been, we should all probably get some sleep. I vote to clean up in the morning." Namjoon rose to his feet. Everyone seemed to agree, all of them patting Jungkook's shoulder in a final congratulation before heading their separate ways.

For a moment, he thought about cleaning up for his hyungs after everything they'd done for him today but then he noticed there was still light coming out from beneath Jimin's door. Swallowing hard, Jungkook collected his confidence and let his feet lead him down to Jimin's room. He must have hesitated a full ten minutes before he raised his hand to knock. He had no idea what he was going to say but he needed to say something.

When Jimin pulled open the door, he was haloed by the soft light in the room. Bare faced, soft hair, in well worn sleep clothes. He looked like an angel and Jungkook lost his breath. He had no idea what words fumbled out of his mouth but he knew Jimin let him into his room and lead him over to take a seat on the bed, like they used to. 

"What's got you still up, hmm? Aren't you sleepy after such a long day?"

Laid back on the bed, Jungkook closed his eyes, trying to piece together his thoughts. "Didn't want to go to sleep without talking to you first."

"Oh and what's so important it can't wait til morning?" Jimin murmured, reaching over to brush through Jungkook's messy hair.

The light touch awoke some desperate determination in Jungkook, sending him bolting upright. He grabbed Jimin's hands, letting the words fall out of his mouth like a rain storm, thoughts running together as his anxiety mixed with liquor convinced him he was running out of time.  He had never been that good at words. How was he going to convince Jimin that he could be trusted? That he was worth it? He needed Jimin to know, to understand how much he meant to Jungkook.

"Hey, breathe Kookie, breathe. You're ok. I'm right here, listening. Take your time."

Jungkook hadn't realized he wasn't breathing. Jimin's calming touch on his arm was like breaking the surface of the ocean. He gasped in a hard breath that made his lungs burn. Closing his eyes, he took a moment to center, letting his heartbeat stabilize before his dark eyes were once again focused on Jimin.

Always Jimin.

"I'm sorry, hyung."

"Jungkook... what are you sorry for?"

"Everything. For making you leave, for yelling and pushing you. Not just that day but all of it. I was always pushing you away or trying to escape you. I was... I was so mean to you."

"You don't have to be sorry. I told you, I was the one who--"

Shaking his head, Jungkook took his other hand, holding both tightly. "No. I made you feel like you were doing something wrong, but you weren't hyung, I swear! I was just being stupid. I was just feeling so much and I didn't know how to express it and so I just tried to push it away. And now, we aren't friends anymore and I don't know how to fix it."

"Oh, Kookie, have you been worrying about this all this time?"

With his nod, Jimin pulled him into the tightest hug. For the first time in a long time, Jungkook felt the world's axis tilt back into place. A world, a life, that had felt off-center with his steps on an angle leaving him dizzy and nauseous was just as suddenly in focus, sharp and crisp. 

Oh.

He hadn't even realized how lacking his life had been, how touch-starved he'd felt for Jimin, to have his scent beneath his nose, his form beneath his hands. 

"You don't have to worry about that. I don't hate you, we're still friends. We're always friends. I just wanted to be sure I gave you space if you wanted space."

"I don't want space, space is stupid. I want to be like we used to be before I got overwhelmed and ruined anything."

"Shh you didn't ruin anything. I'm right here. Is this why you've been my little shadow recently?"

He nodded against Jimin's shoulder.

"Such a cutie."

"Can't call me cute. I'm an adult now."

Jimin laughed. "I can if you're being cute."

That night, Jungkook fell asleep curled into Jimin's form, clinging to him like he thought Jimin might disappear in the middle of the night. But when he woke in the golden morning light coming through the window, head pounding from all the partying the night before, Jimin was still right there. Only this time, he was curled into Jungkook, little fingers twisted in his shirt and holding on for dear life. And maybe he wasn't the only one who'd been desperate to find their connection again. Those seeds of hope climbed a bit higher in the light, buds spouting and reaching for more, more, more.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once when Jungkook was still figuring out the bounds of his feelings, he overheard Jimin and Taehyung talking about what they liked and people they'd been on dates with, the challenges and the lonely times caused by them being idols rather than regular people... and if it was worth it. It was the first time Jungkook had realized Jimin had a life outside of their dorm, outside of their group... outside of him. 

He had friends in other groups, friends back home, friends from school who had nothing to do with what they were doing in BTS. He had been on dates with people-- a girl once when he was young and still figuring out who he was, an older student at his performing arts high school, and apparently there was a secret chat among idols. 

Jungkook left as quickly as his feet would carry him, stomach twisted up in ugly knots, invisible hand choked around his neck. 

Because if Jimin had been on dates, if Jimin was perhaps still going on dates then there was a real possibility that Jimin had far more fast experience than Jungkook could ever dream of, especially when it came to the concept of dating and being in love with another man.  Jungkook had a couple of dates that weren't even dates with a girl from his high school he let down gently without even a kiss under the guise of being too busy with idol business and a couple of fumbling internet searches that had him blushing so hard he thought he might catch fire right there in the dorm.

He hated the idea of someone else kissing Jimin before he did.

He hated the idea of someone else touching Jimin before he did.

God, had he been in love?!

The idea of it overwhelmed him with so much guilt, he thought he might be sick. Because Jungkook knew now. He knew how he felt all along, since the beginning. And understanding his own emotions meant realizing the weight behind Jimin's as well. When he'd been following Jungkook around-- teasing, touching, wanting all his time, 'joking' about dates and traveling with Jungkook-- it had been because he was in love with Jungkook too. And if Jungkook had only realized back when it first started, if he'd been honest with Jimin instead of pushing him away, instead of being cruel and hateful, then Jimin might have been his all along and there would be no need for Jimin to know about secret ways that gay idols date. He would have no reason to know what someone else's lips felt like or how his hand fit into someone else's. Because Jungkook's kisses and hands and heart would be the only ones that mattered. 

It was Jungkook's fault. 

Gathering up every tiny morsel of courage he had in his young body, Jungkook walked to Jin's door, giving a knock. He didn't know who was the right person to speak with about this but he had to believe that all of his members were safe and outside of Jimin, no one had ever taken as good care of him as Jin. He often seemed to understand him more than the others, both his playful and serious sides. As their oldest, he had more life experience than anyone else.

"Jungkookie, what can I help you with? If you want food, you're going to have to wait for dinner. I'm not cooking you something special." Jin teased as he waved Jungkook into the room. 

Closing the door behind him, Jungkook turned to face Jin, wringing his hands so tight his knuckles turned white. "Hy-Hyung. Can I talk to you about something important?"

The quaking in his tone must have given the seriousness away. Frowning with concern, Jin pulled him down to sit on the bed. "What is wrong? Are you hurt? Who hurt you? I'll take care of it."

"No, no nothing like that." He breathed out, trying to stop his shaking. He wanted Jin to take him seriously, to see him as an adult, not some dumb kid who didn't know anything. "I want to ask you some questions. But to do that, I have to tell you something. And it's scary because it might make you mad... and-and maybe you'll hate me and want to kick me out of the group and never see me again and think I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live and --"

Hands on his shoulders, Jin gave him a little shake to break him out of the spiral. "Kookie! I could never hate you. Short of murder. Have you murdered anyone recently?" Jungkook shook his head. "Ok, good. I'm sure if you had, it would have been justified." Jin smirked, hoping the joke reassured him a little.

Jungkook managed a little chuckle, but it was watery and sandpaper rough as he tried to fight back all his emotions. "This is serious, hyung."

"I know, I'm sorry. You can tell me anything, I promise. If it's bad, I may reprimand you a little but I would never stop adoring you or want you out of our group or anything else you said. Nothing could make that happen. Ok?" 

"Ok." He swallowed hard, eyes turning down to his hands as he wasn't sure he'd get through saying it out loud if he had to look at Jin while he did it. "I think I am in love with someone. It's- it's another idol."

"Are you worried because of the Company? Listen, I know they get scary about the whole dating thing but honestly, it's unrealistic to expect someone to be single indefinitely and everyone does it. You just have to be careful is all. Why did you think that would make me so angry."

"Because... it's not, it's not a girl."

"Oh," Jin breathed. There was a short moment where he didn't say anything more. It might as well have been an eternity to Jungkook. Then, his arm wrapped around Jungkook, tugging him in against his side. "You've been carrying all this worry with you all this time?"

"Not all the time. I've just figured it all out fairly recently. I just didn't want to disappoint anyone."

"Aish. You could never, our Golden Maknae. I know it's scary. But you don't have to worry about us. None of us are going to care about that. I won't say it will be easy, but you're certainly not alone. Minds are slowly changing though. And we work in music. We're certainly not alone."

His head snapped up. "We?"

Jin smiled, ruffling his hair. "Let's save that for another day. I'm just glad you trusted me enough to share with me. What made you want to come out about it now though?"

"Because I want to tell him. I feel like I might burst if I don't."

"And you think he feels the same?"

Jungkook shrugged. "I think he did. I don't know if he does now. I messed everything up last year."

"Do you want to tell me who he is?"

He shook his head. "No I don't want to tell you things he might not want everyone to know."

"Hmmm can I guess?"

"Hyung!"

Jin laughed. "OK ok. So you said you had questions you had to ask me."

What followed was a conversation equal parts educational and mortifying, but Jungkook appreciated Jin being willing to face the embarrassment to give all the information he could. He spoke, not with book knowledge but with personal knowledge that Jungkook hadn't been expecting. As asked, he'd politely ignored the realization to address at another time. 

"Don't worry about a lack of experience. Neither one of you have been together. Neither one of you know what the other likes or doesn't like. You'll be on even ground. The most important thing is to listen, be attentive and don't underestimate being eager. Eagerness can make up for a lot in the beginning."

For the next couple of weeks, Jungkook and Jin had almost nightly meet-ups to discuss whatever new question Jungkook had found. He spent enough time with Jin, Jimin had actually gotten pouty about it, missing the constant attention he'd been getting from Jungkook since his graduation. 

It had been difficult watching how he talked about his 'love,' trying to leave out anything that would give their identity away. If he didn't care about Jungkook, of course he wouldn't care about Jimin, but the idea of sharing such a personal secret without Jimin's permission seemed so wrong.  Maybe Jin knew. Tae certainly did, maybe they all knew... maybe they all assumed based on how he used to act with Jungkook... but Jungkook wasn't going to assume anything. They'd moved beyond embarrassing intimate questions and into more neutral territory of relationships and how Jungkook should confess.

"I've never met someone who didn't love grand gestures. But don't do something big just for the sake of it. Make it personal, something only you would think to do for them. Not something any random guy could do. That's what would make it special."

"I want everything to be special. He deserves the world. I want to give it to him."

Jin gave an understanding hum. "Jiminie is a very lucky guy."

"No I'm the lucky one, if he'll have me." Jungkook answered without thinking. When he realized what he had said, what he had done, he whipped his face up to look at Jin, wide eyed and worried. "Hyung..."

"Don't worry, I am not going to tell everyone. You are very sweet trying so hard to keep his secret. But don't worry, you didn't break any confidence. I already knew. And for the record, most of us have already guessed what was going to happen between the two of you."

"You have?" 

"Those of us who are smart at least. Jimin wasn't exactly subtle. Then you two had your falling out and Jimin left and suddenly you changed. Everything about you changed. The way you look at him now, especially when you think he isn't paying attention, well let's just say you aren't exactly subtle now either."

"Do you think he knows?"

Jin shook his head. "I think even if he suspected, he wouldn't trust it. He's going to be a little uncertain after everything. But I am sure he still feels the same."

"How do you know?"

He smiled. "Because he still looks at you the same when he thinks you're not looking too."

The knowledge warmed him from the inside out. The hope bloomed in his chest to full flowers basking in the summer sun. And all at once, he knew they were going to be ok. No matter what happened from here out, they would be ok. They would face any hardships or uncertainties, any anxiety over their true feelings, together.

"I want to take him to Japan. He's always wanted to travel with me. He loves Japan. And Disney."

"That sounds perfect. Let's make a plan."

Jimin had to go a little more time without him while he got everything prepared. He needed to have it perfect if he was going to convince their managers it was ok for them not only to go, but to go on their own. By Jimin's birthday, everything was ready. Approval was given-- in writing so they couldn't change their minds-- passes for the park, and plane tickets purchased. This was really happening. 

All the nerves Jungkook had since he walked to Jin's room that night suddenly settled. He'd never been more sure of anything his entire life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook would have sold his soul for this.

To see the wander dancing across Jimin's face. Eyes moon wide, stars dancing in his gaze.

His smile never dimmed from the second they woke up that morning, to the airport, on the plane, as they were checking into the hotel. 

Joy chimed like temple bells in every laugh vibrating through Jimin's body.

No question, no hesitation, just full trust in Jungkook when he said he had it all taken care of. The awe in him told Jungkook that no one had ever given the time to properly take care of Jimin. And in that moment, Jungkook vowed to himself to spend the rest of his life making sure Jimin never worried about another thing. He may have been young but he was determined. And Jungkook always got what he wanted when he was determined. 

Any cost would be worth it to keep him like this.

The first day at the amusement park was a whirlwind. Jungkook wasn't sure he'd even remember the details beyond the lights, the steady dizziness from the spinning rides...and Jimin's beautiful ever-present smile. He kept a camera with him the whole time. For him, for them, wanting to keep this moment that would be the start of them, every detail. Jungkook already had ideas formulating, a passion project declaring his love, one he might share or might not but either way the emotion would be undeniable.

When they got back to the hotel, the exhaustion was bone deep, muscles aching from the walking and the laughing, bellies full of so much junk they'd never let themselves eat at home. He sat down all their bags and turned to find Jimin already laid out on the bed. His arms were thrown up over his eyes, shirt riding up to show his small waist and belly button, his blonde hair haloed out on the crisp cotton pillow case. With each breath he took, his pale skin shifted. 

He was otherworldly, ethereal. 

Jungkook never stood a chance. Before he knew it, he'd snapped a picture, drawing Jimin's attention. His eyes were heavy lidded and near sleep, lashes thick as they fluttered against his cheeks with each blink.

"You're so pretty," Jungkook breathed.

Fuck. That had not been what Jungkook meant to say. He'd had a whole plan for telling Jimin, confessing every secret of his heart over dinner, once they were well rested. Not after a long day where they were both so tired they could barely stay awake. He wasn't ready. There was a second of silence like Jimin wasn't sure he heard correctly. Then he was bolting up.

"What?"

"I may... I may have had ulterior motives with this trip. I mean I did want to travel with you, but also, I just wanted to be with you without everyone else around."

"I don't know what that means, Jungkook..."

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "I like you."

"You... what?!"

"I more than like you. I'm in love with you."

"No... Jungkook, you don't, you can't..."

Jungkook's first instinct was to argue, to be indignant, shouting that Jimin wasn't allowed to tell him how he felt. That no one knew what Jungkook felt better than himself, that he'd been agonizing over it so long there was no doubt. But he took a breath, trying to remind himself of everything he'd put Jimin through when he wasn't certain. Stepping over, he took Jimin's hands into his own.

"Hyung, I think, back in the bad times--"

"Please stop calling it that."

Jungkook ignored the old argument and pushed ahead. "You were... you had feelings for me. That's why you wanted to be close all the time. Am I right?"

Jerking his hands back, Jimin broke their contact to pace in front of Jungkook. "This is cruel, Jungkook. I've tried. I've tried so hard to push it away and forget about all of that, so you can't just throw it back in my face like that. You can't make fun--"

Jungkook couldn't do this without touching, without grounding them both and making sure that Jimin was actually hearing every word he said. As he passed again, Jungkook grabbed Jimin, spinning him and pulling him down into his lap. He held him close so not even a breath could fit between them, Jimin's back tight against his chest. For a moment, he fought the hold but Jungkook refused to give up and eventually he melted into Jungkook's form. 

"I think you loved me then," he hesitated a moment, "and I think you think I didn't feel the same way."

"You didn't. You hated me, Kookie. You hated me so much."

He buried his face against Jimin's neck. "I didn't, I could never. I was young and stupid. I just felt so much and I didn't know what to do with it. You were so loud with it, so brave and I was terrified. Then everything happened-- I hurt you and you left and I was so scared you were never going to come back. I tried to get Namjoon hyung to tell me where you were so many times. I wanted to come get you. I knew it was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault. You're right. I was too loud and too clingy and too much and I scared you away."

Each word might as well have been a slap to Jungkook's face. In that moment, he realized just how much damage he had caused.  It broke his heart. "Is that why you changed so much when you came back? You stayed in the background, stayed so quiet all the time. You made yourself smaller."

Jimin just shrugged, refusing to give him a single word which only proved Jungkook was right. 

"Jimin--" 

"I wanted you to like me." He confessed. "I knew you would never love me but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable anymore. I didn't want to ruin everything when we were just getting started. I just wanted you to like me." 

Jungkook offered his own confession in trade. "I did like you, I do. I love you. I wanted to tell you while we were on this trip. I mean I didn't want to blurt it out and ruin it by saying you were pretty all the sudden. I mean to do it in a cool way... or at least a smoother way, along with an apology for how I messed up everything back then. I guess now you understand why I say I was stupid back then."

"Do you... really think I'm pretty?"

"Baby, of course. You're the most beautiful. I couldn't take my eyes off you all day. I haven't seen you so carefree in a really long time." 

"And you meant what else you said-- that you love me?"

"So much I feel like I might burst most days. It drives me crazy when I see people looking at you. The girl who interviewed us, that one handsy dancer. I wanted to twist his hand off, see how good of a dancer he was then."

Jimin laughed. "Is that the real reason you don't like when Tae calls me soulmate?"

Jungkook had to bite back a growl, grip tightening on Jimin as if he thought someone might come into the room and snatch him away. "I told you I was jealous."

"Kookie! It's Tae."

"Don't care. I don't want anyone to be your soulmate but me. I don't want anyone touching you but me. I can't help it."

"You're adorable."

Jimin finally raised his eyes up to Jungkook's. Though they were watery, lashes clumped like blades of grass covered in morning dew, Jungkook was certain he'd never looked more beautiful. Reaching up, he brushed the dampness from Jimin's skin away. "You're pretty." 

"You said that already," he whispered. 

"I'm going to probably say it every day, at least 10 times, if you let me." 

"Stop, I'll melt from blushing too much." 

Jungkook smirked, acting cheeky to break what was left of the tension. "You could kiss me, that would shut me up for a while."

He didn't expect Jimin to do anything but smack him and call him a brat. But he watched as Jimin's gaze trailed over his features, hands moving to rest of his chest before he started to lean in. Oh god, Jungkook might die. His heart was beating so fast, Jungkook wasn't sure he could count his pulse even if he wanted to. He certainly wasn't breathing. 

Jimin's lips brushed against Jungkook and it was like coming alive. 

Everything around him sharpened. Every nerve in his body exploded like fireworks.

Jungkook never wanted to kiss another person again. 

The heat slowly increased between them, the longer they kissed. Jimin moved until he was settled straddling Jungkook so he could press closer. Jimin's hands came up into Jungkook's hair as Jungkook's own slipped under Jimin's shirt just enough to grip his dainty waist. 

The intensity pitched upward, hips pressing closer. 

"Maybe we should slow down a little." 

"I'm not a kid, Jimin-ssi. I know things." Jungkook answered, still trying to catch his breath. 

Jimin quirked an eyebrow as he gazed down at the younger man. "Oh you know things?" 

"You know I don't like not being good at things. When I figured out everything, I did a lot of research. And I asked Jin-hyung A LOT of questions. Like probably too many." 

He thought Jimin might be upset, might be worried about what Jungkook shared with another person. But instead he only teased. "Is that where you learned all your flirting skills?"

"Yes, obviously." 

"That explains a lot. Maybe we shouldn't trust anything you know then." Jimin let out a shriek as he was bullied back onto the bed, the hands that had been gripping his waist now tickling him until he could barely breathe. "Ok! I give!" 

"Tell me my flirting skills are the best, Jimin-ssi." 

"Ok, you're the best flirter, not lame at all I swear."

"Thank you."

Jungkook confessed he wanted to care for Jimin, pamper him and buy him gifts, make sure he had everything he ever wanted or needed. Jimin teased him about wanting to be a hyung to him. Jungkook didn't mind. He loved that they were going to be how they always were-- laughing, teasing, never taking things completely serious. Best friends, only with more kissing, more touching, more loving. It sounded like the perfect kind of love story to Jungkook. He couldn't imagine ever being with someone else, trying to teach someone to know and understand him the way Jimin already did so naturally. 

The journey to get here was long, challenging.

It almost broke them. 

But they were here now. The journey didn't matter. All the bad times were nothing but memories, little nicks that were healed over to leave only little white scars barely visible through the pure happiness surrounding them now. 

Jungkook was sure there would be more bad times ahead at different points but at least those they would get to face together. That was all that mattered.

Leaning up, Jimin kissed him again. I love you."

"I love you too."

He already knew the song he would choose. He already knew Tokyo would forever be their place. He knew this moment would define their entire future.

Jungkook couldn't wait for everything to come.