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Every day was the same
Wake up. Open shop. Sell stuff. Go back. deal with toons. be dandy! Rinse and repeat. to anyone it was a mundane routine, he knew he wasn't fooling anyone with the facade, and… well. he wished he could say otherwise
So on the rare occasion he could get a moment to himself, it all felt so foreign.
Dandy sat in his room, silence. too much silence, save for the ticking of a clock and his own breathing, the ticking reminded him of dyle… he wondered what he was doing. which reminded him that there was still stuff at the shop he had to tend to… and that he was running low on tapes… wait no! he wasn't supposed to think about that now!! he was supposed to relax, to empty his mind for a bit now that he was finally alone!!!
but that felt nearly impossible. It seemed like his mind always buzzed and bumbled with endless streams of thoughts, waiting for a random one to pop up and become his focus. It was an endless cycle that had become the bane of his entire existence. thought after pointless thought, if every thought he had was a physical object, they would've flooded the entirety of gardenview at this point!
speaking of popping up. his mind had finally managed to catch a fish of thought in the river that constantly flowed through him, he hadn't even realized he was staring blankly at the wall for god knows how long, time was pointless in whatever confines his mind went to when adrift. and as that one specific thought settled itself in his conscious…
he was suddenly hyper-aware of his physical body.
he didnt like it.
it was as if he forgot how to breathe for a hot second, the action of breathing becoming a manual effort as he was abruptly flung back into reality by the sudden awareness that he was, infact, a living breathing organism with a body… organs… insides and outsides. he, exists.
it was such a weird feeling to grasp, even to him. he usually went about his life on autopilot, rarely ever pausing to take in everything, and eventually it all built up, like a rubber band being pulled taut, then snapped back right in his face without warning. he tended to forget that the persona he put on wasn't really… him. he would always be so busy and jumbled up, so processing anything beyond what was intended didnt feel like a necessity. it was like he was a spectator of his life rather than an active participant
But now, he was alone, free to do what he want. no more distractions, no more stuff to deal with, just him and the yawning chasm of his mind that he naught dared to explore. His mind finally could get back in sync with his body.
.
.
.
It didnt take long for said thoughts to go south though.
the silence was fun while it lasted.
yet again, it seems like the automatic, unregistered movements from his body were striking once more, it was like he was a spectator in his own body. before he even processed it, he had gotten up from his usual spot on his bed, the mattress there sunken and used. huh. he didnt remember sitting there that often.
unimportant. he had another goal in mind at the moment, this was an issue for future dandicus. dandicus… that was his name. why is his name dandicus? it sounds so silly… does he have to have a full name.. he could've… wait. no! he was drifting off again!! focus dandicus focus!!!
he continued on his march to the other side of his room, where sat a dusty, unused mirror. God, if Tisha were to see his room she would faint. anyone would honestly, have you seen the state of it! it was funny in a way, he was always the organized one… the punctual one… its, rather amusing what a couple years of isolation can do to a toon! truly fascinating if you asked him (though he's certain if you tried he'd find it anything but. Surely Delilah would've loved to study this transformation) (the thought of her didn't make him feel any better.)
Nevermind that, he wiped off the dust of the mirror, only managing the reach barely half of it on his tippy tippy toes since it was a human sized one. After he deemed it clean enough (which, wasn't really all that clean), he stepped back a bit. One little step, two uncertain steps... Until he was at a good enough distance to look at his whole body
Maybe it was literally not remembering the last time he actually saw himself, but now that he was taking his sweet time observing, it seemed like he was digging up more and more flaws with every twitch of his eyeballs. did he always look like this? he could've swore… no he didn't look like this last time no? when was even the last time he saw himself??
His skin was paler, losing most of its color, the soft,warm beige hue being more akin to an ashy off-white. he looked pudgy and disproportionate somehow, it wasn't the cute roundness of his cartoon counterpart that made him soft and appealing to children, no. he just looked. fat. of course, he wouldn't mean it as an insult to any of he other bigger toons like bobette or cosmo, it looked cute on them! but seeing it on him felt like a completely different sight. albeit he remembers himself looking much rounder. not to mention his petals, the poor things have seen better days… the neglect towards himself was weighing in heavy and his major defining feature was now wrinkled, discolored and even torn at places. the natural white underneath was starting to show too, another reminder that he never was who he wanted to be.
another step brought him closer to the mirror.
now up close, he could take in much more details he could've missed from afar. though he isn't sure if the others would've noticed them, his poor vision was always brought up by others, but surely it wasn't that bad! is that the reason for the weird glances… He could now see the prominent eye bags, even under his makeup -which, was horribly smudged from days without removal- that only showed how many restless nights were spent without sleep, it wasn't really a secret to anyone really. especially if you asked a certain peculiar dream-watching moon.
at this closeness, he could even see the minuscule twitches of his face muscles from how much he holds that damn stupid smile. a smile he knew no one fell for anymore, but it was one of the few meager things he could hold on to that made him Dandy, he didn't want to face the fact that that dandy might not exist anymore. the racing of his thoughts only grew tenfold, reality was too… real. it seemed as if the deafening waterfall of words and sounds only he could hear inside his skull drowned out any actual sound trying to get in, hence how he didnt even notice the door creaking open.
the sound was completely ignored, instead, dandy only pressed himself closer to the glass of the mirror. the feeling of his own physical presence was overwhelmingly real, he could see and feel how rubbery his "skin" was, if you'd even call it that, it was so fake. he was so fake. his hands were rough from so much work, the tips clawed with now dull rainbow claws from twisting one too many times, the transformation leaving its trace, being always there to remind him of his ugliest parts.
again, the sound of approaching footsteps were ignored in favor of even trying to understand the storm raging inside the confines of his brain. or it could be because the owner of said footsteps was always rather stealthy, even if he wasn't so… preoccupied. he probably wouldn't have noticed them anyway
he realized, his entire appearance, his entire existence even, stemmed from the convenience and appeal of humans. he was only made for humans to see and enjoy. nothing was his own, nothing was his, it was all theirs. they. they MADE him who and what he is, they made him to be perfect, they made him to be loved. and he ruined it, he ruined himself, he ruined EVERYTHING. he always did.
"Dandy"
do you even KNOW how much effort into creating and engineering him, and he just throws that away and completely ruins it?? he was straying away from the correct path, he was useless, he was-
"Dandy."
dear ichor what would Arthur think of him? what would DELILAH think!?? she'd think all her research went to waste! all of Arthur's designs were for nothing!! why was he so UNGRATEFUL. why was he so-
"DANDY!"
Solid yet soft hands gripping his shoulders snapped him back into reality, the ringing in his ears slowly receding and the physical feel in his body returned, before he could finally process the presence of someone infront of him. Only then he started breathing again, taking in large, much needed, shuddering breaths in between sobs. .
..when had he started crying? what's happening?? everything was so fuzzy all of a sudden.
it took him a few seconds to realize who was holding him, an embarrassing amount of time even, considering it was astro. when had he gotten in there in the first place, he could've swore he had locked the door! and he looked worried out of his mind, his blanket discarded to have all four arms holding him quite harshly, as if he was previously shaken him. Oh no… he must've done something bad again to worry him… god why was he like that ?!! the thought only made him cry harder.
astro let out a relieved breath as he saw dandy's eyes focus on him once again, only to tense up seeing him cry harder. as if he wasn't worried enough coming in here and seeing him staring at the mirror unresponsive.
he had only been doing his nightly dream checking job… thing. whatever you'd call it, was it a duty? he didn't know, neither did he dare try and stop to see if it was truly an obligation. forget that. as per usual, dandy was up late again. the flower was barely getting any sleep which prompted astro to frequently try to convince and slash or force him to sleep, oftentimes said flower would just whine and tell him he wasn't tired (a lie) or he'd sleep later (lie again) or that he had important stuff to finish first (another lie)
yeah well not this time i guess.
he had initially came in prepared to scold dandy for being up again, only to fall silent as soon as he stepped into the dimly lit room. he had found dandy half slumped against the mirror, breathing short and quick. at first he thought the poor toon was having another asthma attack, but as he got a hold of the flower, he realized that he wasn't even fully mentally present, which somehow scared him more.
he knew something was off about dandy as off late, but he chalked it up to stress from the recent increase of runs and the lack of sleep he's been experiencing, but he didn't expect it to lead up to something like this… he kept a mental note to check up on dandy more often.
but now he had another issue on hand, or rather hands. seeing as the flower he'd loved his whole life was sobbing near hysterically in his arms, he gentled his grip on his shoulders, the hands on his arms started rubbing up and down in a soothing motion. and when he felt dandy's knees buckle, he gently guided them both to the ground, pulling the smaller toon against him while still softly stroking him. he knew sometimes that letting him cry it out was better than whatever reassurances or platitudes he could offer, he was never good with words anyway so he found this strategy better whenever he held dandy in similar moments
after a while, the sobs quieted down to hiccups and sharp breaths. only then did astro slowly pull away, just enough to peer at dandy's tear streaked face. even like this he looks gorgeous, he thought. the hands on his upper arms came up to cup his cheeks,wiping the tears clinging to his face and lashes with his thumbs
"hey buddy… it's alright, im here dandelion." he used simple words, not rushing, knowing how easily dandy could get overwhelmed and shut down in this state. he kept his voice soft and soothing too. he was never really that good with emotions and moments like these, but with dandy, he learned to adapt. he was there for him just like the flower had been when they were little toons and he was still terrified. its funny how the roles have switched.
upon hearing astro's voice, dandy calmed down a fraction. but the raging tornado in his head didn't cease, he could barely focus on one thought anymore. he was spiraling, he couldn't remember or think about anything beyond the way he felt in his skin. but a new thought emerged, he was making astro upset, to the point where he had to comfort him again. all because he was weak, he was forcing astro out of his zone of comfort, he knew astro didn't like physical contact, nor was he good with comforting, and he was being forced to do just that!
he managed to will his hands into moving, getting them to rest onto astro's wrists, the one holding his face. his eyes moved slowly, hesitantly, as if he was scared of what he'd find in astro's face when he looked up. would it be pity? exhaustion? he wasn't sure, but he was scared. he felt stupid, for his frequent breakdowns that were only increasing in intensity as of late, and to him, they were all just further proof of his incompetence.
"I'm— im sss so sorry 'stro- you don't- ya don't hhhave to worry... about me I'm fine. I-I'm fine. Sorry."
He hadn't realized how hard he'd been crying until now, mentally cringing at how pathetic he sounded. He knew astro wouldn't buy his words, no one would. Just a single glance at how he looked would disprove any excuse he could come up with. He tried pulling away from Astro's hold, only to be met with an ever so tighter grip on his body. He wasn't getting away anytime soon.
"Shhh shh, it's okay. It's alright, just stay put dandelion, calm down."
soon enough, the sobbing quieted down to hitching breaths and sniffles as astro's warm embrace worked wonders on him. he swore he could feel himself feeling sleepy already, today took a lot out of him. but just as he felt his eyelids getting heavy, astro pushed off of him, still holding his face, but his thumbs started stroking dandy's tear stained cheeks. those same puffy cheeks he wanted to kiss so badly, it tore him apart to see them all red and wet like this.
"hey, hey. don't doze off on me yet. can you tell me what led to this?"
he was careful to keep his voice soft and non judgemental, using language that avoids making dandy think it was his fault. he knew words wouldn't be all that comprehensive at the moment, but dandy needed a way to let the dam break, so astro placed the first crack.
dandy really didn't want to speak right now, all he wanted to do is to curl up in astro's many arms and forget everything else. but he promised him he wouldn't shut down anymore, that he'd talk to him whenever he felt upset rather than turn the feelings inward. which was exactly what had happened, and he was ashamed of telling astro. what if he got mad that he didn't tell him? would astro think he wasn't trusting him?? what if. what if-
"dandy, flower, we talked about this. you can tell me anything, you promised me you won't stay silent anymore."
dandy was snapped back to reality by astro's voice, the sudden sadness and vulnerability in his voice nearly making him tense. the words you promised hitting him harder than they should've. he knew he had promised, but the way astro said it made it feel so much different because he thought of the promise as an obligation, a rule he had to follow. but hearing it like this made him realize it was love, not the conditioning he was accustomed to.
"i-…" he stuttered, cutting himself off at the sound of his voice, almost flinching even at how unrecognizable it was after this whole thing. scratchy, weak…
uncharacteristic.
the word was scary. being unlike his character mean he wasn't being himself, dandicus dancifer. the face of the company, the perfect persona of joy. being out of character meant being alive, but it also meant he wasn't who he was made to be, who he was meant to be.
astro didn't push, didn't force him to speak, he saw the internal struggle by just looking into dandy's blown out eyes and his heaving chest. he simply just kept rubbing his arms and caressing his face until he found the words and courage he needed
"i… i feel like. i feel like im not me anymore astro."
he kept his eyes downcast, his voice low and careful, as if ashamed of anyone hearing him even if they were alone in the dark. complete opposite of the typical dandy you'd see; loud, eager and constantly asking or your attention. so to see him in a state where he'd want to stay hidden from the eyes or ears of anyone was a shock.
astro didn't react, he kept his voice soft, engaged, silently pushing him to offer more information while trying not to make him feel worse about it
"how so? did something happen?"
"no. no nothing. it's just… i-i don't. really know how to explain it. it feels stupid."
"it's not stupid, dandy. you're allowed to feel anything even if it feels extreme or erratic, you don't need a reason to feel."
it seemed like his words worked, seeing as the flower beneath him simply sighed and rested his head against his chest, forcing astro to cease his movements on his face now that he wasn't in contact with it. for a moment, it was just silence. not the comfortable kind, but not the awkward kind either. he knew dandy was just trying to get his mind together for a second before saying anything
"i… i feel like whenever i look at myself i don't see the 'me' I'm supposed to see. there's just…. flaws. like little imperfections that aren't supposed to be there"
the moon above him busied his hands stroking his petals with his top hands to try and soothe him, while the latter fiddled with a loose string on astro's top to try and keep his thoughts straight. astro hummed in acknowledgement of dandy's words, deciding not to say anything until he got everything out.
"whenever everything's quiet all i can do is notice the changes, the more i stare the less i can look away you know? i don't wanna resort to calling myself ugly, it'd be an insult to Walton's designs really" he chuckled at the last bit. it was more like a sad, weak sound though. "but, i just. i feel like i ruined everything, and that I'm STILL ruining everything just because i don't look like how i used to…"
that last sentence basically confirmed what astro was fearing. dandy wasn't liking the face he "didn't look like he used to", as in the many changes that had happened to his body ever since his creation, wether if they were reckless choices against himself or ones he couldn't control. either way, astro knew dandy's struggle with separating the vision of his show persona being the ideal, perfect state he should maintain and the reality that everyone changes as they grow.
"oh dandy…"
he grabbed dandy's face with his upper hands again, forcing the toon beneath him to directly stare at him. he could feel his chest aching as he realized this was exactly how he used to feel about himself, hearing dandy speak like this he could almost hear a younger astro talking instead
dandy's eyes hesitantly met astro's, those big round gray eyes staring right at his singular one, still puffy and red from crying. He didn't have his contacts on, so astro took a moment to admire his natural eyes rather than the hazel he usually sports. This made him realize how much dandy concealed or changed in order to achieve the vision of "perfect" he was taught he should always be. Even after the humans left, even after the show ended, he clung onto the last shred of familiarity he had, even if the familial meant hurting.
"flower, just because you're changing doesn't mean you're broken. We're living creatures dandy, we're made to grow and change. We can't stay the same forever"
dandy's eyes darted away from astro, his lower lip trembled despite his best efforts.
"but we were made to be exactly how we were in the show. if I'm not how I was made to be, wouldn't that mean I'd be flawed?"
Astro stood silent for a moment, he had to use the right words here. dandy was in an extremely fragile state, and his next sentence could make or break it, and possibly have a massive impact on him as a whole.
"Well, we were made after our show counterparts. but dandy, those are two dimensional cartoon characters, they're not alive like we are. They're just… drawings that taught kids stuff on television. But we're us, we're real, we experience things and feel emotions. Our show counterparts just follow the script, we live in reality."
dandy's eyes finally met astro's halfway through what he was saying. By the end of it, he stood there frozen, still staring at the moon above him. he struggled to process what astro had said, part of him was starting to grasp the truth, while another part was trying to hold on to the safety of his delusion
Astro sensed the conflict behind dandy's big shimmering eyes and sighed, not a disappointed or a tired sigh, but more or less a release of tension. his hands on dandy's face moved to his arm while his lower hands rested lower on his back
"It's okay, we'll just take it slow for a bit, you don't gotta figure everything out now. let's get on the bed"
with a nod from dandy, astro picked him up with practiced ease and walked them over to dandy's bed, moving aside many misplaced pillows and plushies before settling down on the mattress
just as he got comfortable, an idea struck him. something that might help dandy feel better about himself. propping himself up on one elbow, he turned to face the lethal
"dandy, do you mind getting comfortable for me?"
'getting comfortable' was just their way of asking the other to take off their clothes, since they were used to cuddling without any when it got warm or if they were just seeking deeper contact. dandy complied without saying much, being used to it. he left himself in just a beige bra and black shorts before setting back. what he didn't expect was his best friend settling nearly his entire weight on him right away
before dandy had the chance to even make a sound, astro's arms were already moving. two of them settles on his sides, rubbing gently, while the other two rested on his shoulders. His touch was personal, but not sensual. it was as if he was inspecting a statue, admiring every detail.
"dandy, I think you're gorgeous. no matter how you look or how you change. and if you can't see it, I'd be glad to show you myself"
With that said, he leaned back slightly so he wasn't on dandy anymore. the hands on his shoulder moved up until they reached his petals, he caressed each one of them, noting the fading paint that showed the natural off white petals underneath and slight wilting at the edges. he should make some time to help dandy with those
Despite the rough treatment these poor petals for subjected to, they still felt soft under Astro's touch, and it seemed like the owner of said petals was really enjoying the careful handling as he leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, a faint purring sound faintly audible. astro smiled at the gesture and moved slightly lower, using one hand to scratch behind dandy's orange petal and another one doing the same under his green one. the purring immediately got louder and dandy's head tilted towards the scratching, prompting a chuckle out of astro.
"you're just like a cat… it's so cute"
"no I'm not!"
"yeah sure, I'm not the one purring over here"
dandy was about to retaliate until astro moved his hand a bit lower, and he melted immediately. astro did not miss that
"oh did I find a good spot? I can tell you really needed this"
the flower didn't reply, too busy enjoying the beveling of being scratched in all the right spots. It often gets really itchy and sore under the petals but his chubby little fingers never could hit the right spots and his claws were too sharp to try
right as dandy was about to fall asleep, astro gradually withdrew his hands from behind his petals, making the smaller one groan at the loss of contact. Instead, blue hands were caressing his cheeks
as soon as Astro's hands stroked the chubby skin on his face, he felt the makeup smudging on his hands. the earlier crying had messed it up, leaving it mushy and smeared
"oh, here. let me clean you up a bit, your makeup got messed up"
he grabbed a wet wipe from dandy's bedside, pulling up one and gently wiping dandy's face with a gentleness that made dandy want to cry again. he was being handled like he was the most fragile and valuable thing in gardenview, and something told him astro viewed him exactly like that
After he was relatively clean, astro wiped his face again with his thumbs, and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead, then between his eyes. His gaze landed on his lips but he stopped himself. not yet, he thought. we're not like that yet.
He shook his head to dislodge the thoughts before they set in too deep, dandy didn't seem to notice astro pausing for a second, he simply leaned into the other man's touch. Astro resumed rubbing his face, which brought the purring back again. His other hands came up to rub dandy's shoulders before sliding down slowly, slowly. until they stopped right at his ribcage, where his bra ended. His top arms replaced the ones that were on his shoulders
Astro knew Dandy was insecure about his body, sometimes he called it a "factory mistake" because he got the "wrong parts". He later came to find that the reason behind that was a side effect and mix of the genetic engineering required to give him the signature "soft and cute" look, the fact he's a plant, which are hermaphrodites, and Delilah's then inexperience in creating literal living beings. with ended up with him having many deformities that went beyond what's visible, but she couldn't exactly throw him away and make a new dandy, although he wished she could.
One of said deformities was him developing a physiology of a typical "female" body despite being made to be male, although it was a bit more complicated than that. It was a huge scramble of words heard from Delilah that dandy barely understood like "fully functional reproductive organs" or "abnormal testosterone levels", it made him dizzy and confused, about his own body! And most of all scared, because that just told him he wasn't normal.
But astro never cared about any of that, because all he saw in front of him was the most gorgeous man alive. No matter what he looked like or what he chose to be, nothing would change in his eyes, it'll always be his love his best friend.
"Flower, you are so gorgeous" he whispered while letting his many hands roam freely
Dandy's petals curled inwards slightly from embarrassment, he was used to compliments, yes. But hearing it like this, nearly completely nude under his best friend's gaze, it felt different. It felt raw, like that sentence was torn straight out from the deepest crevices of the moon's heart. He couldn't stop himself from Blushing
Astro tried his best to not let his hands linger too long on the wrong places, and not to move too fast or too slow. He wanted to keep his touch loving and comforting but still amical and not lustful, even when his mind screamed for him to do otherwise. To just grab his neck, his chest, his thighs-
But he couldn't. Not yet.
He simply contented himself with moving his hands slightly lower to rest on the pudge of his stomach, which was slightly flatter with gravity pulling it towards dandy's body. He would never get tired of just how soft and squishy his body was, compares to his taller, leaner and even rougher frame, being a caricature of the moon only meant he'd also be made of something akin to rock
Before he could stop himself, he had already leaned down and started pressing a flurry of soft kissed on dandy's stomach, eliciting a sudden gasp then a fit of giggles from the toon above him at the action
"Astro! That- that tickles stop! You promised you wouldn't do that again you goof!!"
But astro didn't stop, he simply chuckled and kept planting more and more tiny kisses that felt like butterflies fluttering on dandy's fur. His voice was still chocked from earlier's tears but it was wrapped in a genuine joy that was so rare for astro to hear these days, so he didn't dare stop until dandy was laughing so hard it made breathing difficult
After stopping he climbed back up and wrapped his arms around dandy, pressing the side of his own head against the top of his, slightly pushing his red and orange petals down a bit. He pressed a kiss to whatever part of his head he could reach like this, cold lips meeting soft, thin fuzz
For a moment it was just silence. Only the sounds of their heavy breathing was audible, along with the occasional sigh or hiccup from the flower underneath him. this would've been the perfect moment to say something, anything. It was just three words, four if he got fancy. And it'd only take a fraction of a second
I love you, dandy.
But he kept those locked deep, deep inside. he couldn't risk possibly ruining everything like this, not when dandy was in this state. Yes they do kiss more than occasionally and cuddle like this all the time but that's what best friends do! They're just really close…
Instead he said something else
"You know you mean the entire universe to me dandy, nothing you think about yourself will change my perception of you. You'll always be my flower."
He smiled warmly, even more as he felt said flower of his curl up against him and nuzzle his chest
A sound built up in the back of dandy's throat, something that sounded like i love you too astro. But he stopped it before he could process it. No that wasn't right, it was not the time. instead he replied
"I don't know what i would do without you moonie…"
Because in reality, he truly didn't. He didn't believe he would still be alive if not for his beloved his companion. He was his moon in every sense of the word
Dandy felt the pull of exhaustion drag him lower and lower, and he pushed himself closer to the solid warmth that was wrapped around him. the day's events had completely tired him our, and it was so horrifically late. he assumed so at least. Astro seemed to notice dandy drifting, and he pulled up the covers over the both of them. Sleep sounded heavenly at the moment, and passing out holding the most precious thing to him was more than he would ask for even though this was far from a reoccurrence. Yet every time felt like the first time he had held him in his arms
Using a magic star to turn off the light, he pressed one last kiss to his flower, and happily drifted to sleep
Maybe everything was gonna be okay after all.