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And I wrestle the feeling you're still thinking about that
Wide awake in your room, just seethin' about that
Nico has always had controversial opinions on Barcelona. The weather is nice, sure, the people are charming, the food is just yummy. But the Grand Prix is sort of cursed to him. It’s the place where everything started to fall apart between him and Lewis. Not that things were good before then, but that moment marked, in Nico's opinion, the point of no return. The point were everything fell apart and they became two total strangers after having been each other's entire world.
He’s been in Barcelona for the Grand Prix before but this year somehow it feels different. There’s some hectic in the paddock, a strange energy that makes his bowels twitch and make him on the alert, like something huge is gonna happen. Maybe he's just letting himself be influenced by the fact that Lewis seems to be a strong contender, so there might be some interaction between them (since Nico is hosting the interviews), even though he's not stupid enough to get his hopes up. Maybe his body is just playing tricks on him.
As it turns out, his sense were not betraying him, but rather warning him.
Before the race, during the grid walk, Lewis has seemed as distant as he has always been towards Nico in the past years. Nico has tried to reach for him, the microphone in his shaky hands, craving for a contact, a quote, anything. But Lewis has dismissed him abruptly, already moving toward the race and everything that mattered in that instant. He hasn’t had time for him, of course, but Nico has seen the possibility for a thaw the moment Lewis slowed down for a breath and turned to him, making an imperceptible gesture before keeping to walk. To anyone watching, it was probably a dismissal sign, the umpteenth in a relationship that has rarely been warm in the last ten years. But Nico knows better. Or he tries to convince himself there’s something more. Almost immediately, on air, he tries a gentler interpretation: Lewis dismissed him in a polite way. At least that’s the story he tells himself. He repeats to the public, to the other journalists, to Anyone, himself included, that Lewis winked at him. A small, fast, easy to miss gesture. He wants to believe it’s an apology folded into a gesture too brief for words. He doesn’t care if he’s delusional. He needs to believe in something.
When Lewis crosses the finish line in the first position, marking his first win with the Ferrari, Nico feels something that can be defined as pride. Because he has never doubted he could do it, not even when everyone started to criticise him, not even when Lewis himself didn’t believe in himself. Not that Nico knows, considering they haven’t spoken in years. Lewis winning also means that Nico gets to interview him in the paddock, before the podium. He senses his palms sweating but the idea to celebrate with Lewis, even for a brief moment, even if Lewis will probably dismiss him without any acknowledgment or explanation, limiting to behave politely in front of the camera. And so it goes.
Nico, however, continues to think about the brief wink before the interviews and he gathers the courage to do something he knows he’s going to regret. But the moment feels surreal so he marches before he can stop himself till Ferrari's motorhome, where he knows there’s Lewis because some mechanic confirmed it. His legs are jelly as he stands in front of the front door of Lewis’ motorhome. Is he going too far? Are they really ready to see each other? He's basing his decision upon a gesture so small he has probably imagined it and upon a feeling that this weekend is different. He weighs his options as he stands there for a while, staring at the grey door in front of him.
Knock.
Don’t knock.
He lifts his head, clenching his fist, ready to knock but suddenly it feels like the hardest movement he has ever done. His hand hangs mid-air, hovering, a faint tremble. It’s not too late to turn around and leave. Lewis will never know he was there. Then he thinks about Lewis smiling on the podium, teary eyes and insurmountable joy propagating from him. His heart skips a beat and his body makes a decision for himself and so his knuckles hit the door before he can change his mind.
The door opens almost immediately and Lewis appears with just his shorts on, his tattoos on display on his overly fit body. Nico gulps at the sight that once was his everyday life. When Lewis registers that person standing in front of him is Nico, a strange frown appears on his face but he’s fast to replace it, a polite smile fixed on his face.
“Oh. I wasn’t expecting you” Lewis simply says. There's no trace of surprise, though. He looks… loose, Nico thinks. The kind of relaxed attitude you gain after a high - adrenaline race, his hair all ruffled, the skin glowing, eyes wild, just like a lion that has just finished eating his prey and is now savouring the freedom.
“I wanted to personally congratulate you for the win” Nico shyly whispers, all his courage faded away. He clears his throat and tries to sound more convincing “The first victory in red is a milestone” he tugs his shoulders, putting his hands in his pockets. He has never felt so small and insecure in his own life. What the hell is he doing? They haven’t spoken in years. It’s a terrible idea. He should leave.
“Thank you, it’s very nice of you” Lewis briefly answers as they stare at each other for an amount of time that seems endless. Nico is about to turn tail when Lewis opens his mouth again, surprising Nico.
“Do you want to come in?” Nico is so taken aback that can only nod. It’s the thing he wanted the most, yet he can’t make himself believe it’s really happening. Lewis steps aside to let him in, one hand still on the door. Nico doesn’t miss the way Lewis's fingers are tightly closed around the handle. As he’s close enough to sense Lewis' body warmth, he immediately recognises his perfume and makes a great effort not to step closer and put his lips in the point where Lewis' neck and shoulders meet, his favourite curve in the whole world, even after all this time.
As soon as Lewis closes the door behind him, the silence becomes deafening. Nico wanders around, soaking in every detail of the place. The space opens into something between a lounge and a boardroom: pale wood, a small kitchenette tucked against the wall facing the entrance, a red sofa pushed against the wall on the left. Nico notices that the air conditioning is off, the room being a little hotter and rarefied then he expected. Then he remembers Lewis has always hated it and he smiles to himself. On the opposite side of the sofa, there's a dresser with some Ferrari branded polos and hats, where Nico lets his fingers wander. A narrow staircase, almost too steep to be comfortable, leads up to where he knows Lewis actually rests. He imagines the small space with a single bed, the blackout blinds drawn against the afternoon sun and the yoga mat rolled in the corner. He asks to himself if Lewis still makes the bed every time. He wants to believe that it hasn’t changed. Outside, he can hear the low hum of the generators threads through everything, a sound that was so constant during his time as a race driver that he stops registering it after the first minutes.
“I don’t know what to say” Nico admits after a while, as his eyes scout the photographs hung on the wall. Picture of Lewis with mechanics he doesn’t recognise at all, of Lewis in Maranello, of people who work in the Maranello factory. “We haven’t been alone in ages”.
Lewis nods as he doesn’t let go of Nico’s movements, capturing them with the same predatory accuracy he puts when he drives, as Nico walks around “There was a time where we couldn’t stop talking” his hoarse voice echoes in the empty space.
“Remember when we were 16 and we were in Greece? We had a race the day after but we spent the entire night talking about something I can't even remember” an honest smirk pops on Nico’s face.
“We talked about our future” Lewis surprises him once again. “I was worried no one would ever sign me eventually while you kept telling me it was impossible because I was the strongest one”
“Do you actually remember it?”
“I could never forget anything about you, Nico” there’s no irony in the tone. Neither there’s indifference, much to Nico’s surprise. The words ooze steer earnestness and more than two decades of feelings, encapsulating every moment they spent together. Maybe he hasn’t imagined the wink during the grid walk, after all.
“My judgment has never changed, by the way. You still are the best one” he deflects as he sits down on the couch, the urge to feel something solid and stable under him. He can’t rely on his own body right now. Not when Lewis' scent has sucked all the air in the motorhome and Nico really wants to inhale it even more, to be embraced by the perfume he still remembers too well.
“I know. But you pushed me to believe in myself more” Lewis stays still near the door and Nico suddenly fears that he might run away and leave him high and dry. But Lewis doesn’t leave. Instead he takes a step toward Nico, closing with one step a distance that is far more deep than the two meters of space now separating them.
“Yeah and you pushed me to become a better driver” Nico clenches his toes tight against the sole of his shoes in a gesture that expresses all his nervousness as he follows Lewis' movements.
“We were so young and hopeful”
“I still feel hopeful. Retirement surely helped in that. It’s easier when you’re not eaten alive by the drive to achieve success”
Lewis chuckles and steps even closer. He really reminds Nico of a lion ready to hunt, every single step slow and relentless. His eyes glisten in the dim of the room and Nico senses his heart bumping out his own throat and sternum but his brain doesn’t seem able to process that this is really happening, that he and Lewis are actually talking after all this time. Lewis gets even closer, the only thing separating them now is the small table in front of the sofa.
“This win is making me nostalgic. I keep thinking about everything I went through my entire career, not just the last years. Everything that this sport costed me. You included. To be able to share the victory with you, even if for a brief moment, is.. a lot. Maybe that’s why I let you in” Lewis says without lowering his gaze, that is now piercing every part of Nico's skin.
“I’m glad you did it” he only has the strength to say.
“I’m glad you knocked”
“It still feels surreal. Call me crazy but I had a feeling this morning, I was a live wire, full of electricity. Like I knew something big was gonna happen”
Lewis laughs but not because he’s making fun of Nico. He really believes it’s true “God probably warned you”. Nico has always envied Lewis’ certainty about the existence of a greater creature, a bigger purpose. Faith is something rich people don’t need. But he’s pretty sure he’s going to convert after today He has always wandered what it’s like to pray, what people feel when they feel heard by God or when they get . He thinks he knows now. Because today he feels like God finally listened to his prayers and gifted him with this moment between him and Lewis.
Oh, I wish you could know me
And I wish I could know you much more sometimes
Wish I could do nothin' with you
Sit in the yard while the day dies
Leave it all on the table
Lewis finally sits on his side and Nico is too aware of how their bodies are close. Too close. “There’s so much I want to tell you but I don’t even know where to start” he whispers. What can you say to the person you thought was the love of your life? With the person you shared your most vulnerable moments and with whom you don’t speak anymore? What’s there to say?
“How about this?” Lewis' fingers brush Nico's hand. Nico holds his breath, afraid of breaking the spell that seems to be casted upon them. Lewis doesn’t pull back, still tracing Nico's hand and now rising to his arm. Their eyes lock, a silent question on Lewis' face but Nico has no weapon against the man in front of him, against the turmoil that has accompanied him for the last ten years. Of course he will take whatever Lewis is willing to give him. There’s no world in which he could ever say no to Lewis.
The moment their lips meet, something absurd happens. It’s like trying on your wedding dress after years spent in the crawl space. You put it on and you remember why you bought it in the first place. It makes you feel wonderful, it makes you feel special. It remembers you of the day of the wedding, when your love expanded endlessly and everything seemed possible. Kissing Lewis has the exact same effect on Nico. It’s dazing him, taking him back to ten years ago and even further. To a time where they were everything to each other. When they weren’t a “us” but something more complicated, thrilling and consuming.
The kiss deepens almost immediately, their mouths meeting like something that was holding back for too long is finally breaking loose. Nico grips the back of Lewis' neck with one hand, pulling him closer while the other one scouts Lewis' bare skin. Their teeth catch for a second, the hunger probably making them clumsy, as if they were two teenagers and not two forty-year-old men who had years of experience in doing it. Nico hears Lewis moaning, a low sound escaping from his mouth and decides to scout Lewis' neck, biting it just slightly. However, Lewis is eager to have Nico's lips on his again so he tilts his head to let their mouths crash again. They begin to kiss, even more hurried than before but their longing doesn't taper off. It just keeps going, urgent and unwilling to end, until the need for air forces them to separate. But Nico is too afraid that stopping will make Lewis realize they’re making a mistake so he pushes him on his back and starts to trace the cutouts of his nipple with his tongue, slow and merciless. Oddly enough, there’s no urgency in the way he moves around Lewis' body, after the rush of their kiss. He takes his time to kiss every single inch of Lewis skin. He perfectly remembers what Lewis used to like so he replicates every movement. It’s a nursery rhyme he learnt by heart and that he can’t get out of his system and in that moment he repeats it as a litany, his body driven by the distant memories that have never abandoned him during this time. He relishes the totally new yet completely familiar sensation of having Lewis beneath him. Because that’s a new version of the Lewis he knew and loved. And yet this version of Lewis encapsulates also all the versions Nico met and loved. And so he can’t do anything else but to love this Lewis again. Probably he has never stopped.
“I’ve missed you” he lets out, involuntarily. Lewis freezes under his touch for a brief moment, the chocolate of his eyes inquiring Nico, searching for any trace of irony. Nico looks up at him and holds his gaze fiercely because those words have been stuck on his throat for too much time. He could never play mind tricks about that.
“You broke my heart” Lewis can only say in return, his voice croaky both from the arousal and the poignancy of the moment.
“And you broke mine. But every rubble left will always be yours” Nico moves upwards to plant a kiss on his favourite Lewis’ tattoo, on every letter of the “powerful beyond measure”. He doesn’t care if this is all he can get. Even a crumble would be enough after a decade of starvation. Nico doesn’t say that sometimes, when he’s home and looks at the Championship trophy, he despises it. He’s a world champion, and for what? What did that cost him? The love of his life? He knows he did what he had to win. Champions do that. They debone the competitors, they take every last useful piece. You can’t win in Formula 1 if you’re not a cannibal, there’s no point in denying that. They’re too old, too wise to pretend they both regret it. But Nico mourns all the lives they could have had if they didn’t fought against each other.
And I'll say, "I love you," and mean it this time
Say, "I'm sorry,” for everything else
If we found a way to the other side
“I’ve missed you too” Lewis whispers after a moment, as his breath becomes heavier, his eyelids brushing his cheek. Nico’s heart clenches. Maybe they needed to say those things out loud, maybe right now they're closing a circle or maybe it’s the start of a new chapter. Where they can be something else. Certainly not what they were before because life has a way of changing you and things can never go back to what they were. Change is inescapable. No matter how far you go. But if you first love happens to also be your best friend, you will never escape the emptiness in your bones after the break up and you will spend your whole life trying to be lucky enough to experience that sort of happiness and similarity again. And one constant in Nico's life is that, no matter of far he goes, he will always go back to Lewis. Because he can’t picture a life where he doesn’t belong to the naked man lying in front of him.
He dares to kiss Lewis again, unhurriedly this time. For the first time in a long time, he feels something that tastes like happiness.