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It had been a terrible day. The pressure of university, accumulated exhaustion, and an absurd misunderstanding about money for their daily needs had escalated unnecessarily. Li Ming, with his nerves on edge, had started demanding things without thinking, and Heart, feeling unfairly attacked, had defended himself with quick signs that cut through the air like knives.
‹ It’s just that you don’t seem to understand that I’m doing everything I can! › Li Ming gestured sharply as the bitter words left his mouth. ‹ I’m fed up for today, Heart! I don't want to keep doing this. ›
Li Ming, frustrated and feeling the words catch in his throat from the urge to cry, made the gravest mistake: he turned on his heels and began to walk toward the door to go out for some air.
For Heart, Li Ming turning his back on him meant leaving him completely in the dark, since he could not read his lips or his signs. Seeing his back walking away was his worst nightmare; it reactivated that old adolescent fear of being left behind, of being misunderstood. It was the most painful isolation his loving boyfriend, unconsciously, could inflict on him.
Panic took hold of Heart. He lunged forward and caught him right before he could touch the doorknob. He grabbed him firmly by the forearm, forcing him to turn around.
Although Heart could use his voice, in moments of vulnerability or when his emotions completely overwhelmed him, his voice usually became trapped, a victim of disuse and the overwhelming tide of emotions. Because of this, his mind instinctively returned to his second language: sign language. It was his way of ensuring there were no misunderstandings, that his feelings reached the person he loved without filters.
With his hands trembling slightly from the urgency, Heart raised them in front of Li Ming's face, forcing him to look at him. His movements were almost painful.
‹ Don’t run away from me. › Heart signed. ‹ You can get as angry as you want, but never turn your back on me. I need to see you to know you’re still here. ›
Heart slowly lowered his hands, and this time, his voice came out in a rough whisper, reinforcing what he had just signed.
“Please, Li Ming, don’t go. I hate it when you walk away from me.”
Li Ming froze, his chest rising and falling heavily. Seeing the desperation on Heart's face hit him like a bucket of cold water, but pride and anger were still there, throbbing. Still hurt, Li Ming averted his gaze toward the window, refusing to maintain eye contact.
But that simple gesture triggered a painful memory in Li Ming’s mind. He remembered that old fight in Pattaya, when they were teenagers, where Heart, overwhelmed, had simply looked away. For Li Ming, Heart looking away was the exact equivalent of having a phone hung up in his face in the middle of a call, because if Heart did not look at him, Li Ming lost all ability to communicate with him. It didn't matter how much he shouted or moved his hands, he became invisible.
Realizing what he was doing, that by turning away, he was punishing Heart in a cruel way, Li Ming’s anger dissolved instantly, replaced by a deep guilt.
Li Ming brought his gaze back to Heart. Their eyes met, shiny with unshed tears.
‹ I’m sorry... I’m sorry, Heart. › Li Ming furrowed his brow in anguish. ‹ I’m sorry. I’m not going to leave. ›
Heart's hands took Li Ming's cheeks.
“I’m sorry too.” Heart whispered before kissing his forehead while Li Ming closed his eyes, enjoying the kiss. “I’ve been in a bad mood all day. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”
Li Ming opened his eyes when they pulled apart.
‹ Really, I’m so sorry, Heart. › Li Ming signed, sighing. ‹ It’s no excuse for having treated you like that or for having tried to leave. It’s just... I grew up watching every baht being counted so we wouldn’t lack anything. When I saw that our daily expenses were higher than we planned... I panicked. I’m so sorry, forgive me. ›
Heart completely softened the expression on his face. He understood. He knew that childhood traumas did not disappear just because they were in university or living in a more comfortable apartment; the fear of scarcity was the ghost that always haunted Li Ming. And Heart also knew how hard it was for Li Ming to accept his own weaknesses, and the fact that he was apologizing with such vulnerability completely erased any trace of the anger he had felt minutes ago.
‹ I understand your fear, but now we are in this together. If expenses go up, we solve it together. You are not alone. › Heart signed. ‹ It was a bad day, tomorrow we will review the card numbers and make a better budget calmly, deal? ›
Li Ming nodded, sniffing as he pouted.
With a small smile, Heart leaned in and pressed a kiss onto Li Ming's pout. That soft kiss was like a balm that finished evaporating the residual hostility left in the air. Li Ming let out a sigh, feeling his shoulders relax.
Heart dropped his forehead onto his boyfriend’s shoulder and then slid his face down to bury it in the crook of Li Ming's neck. He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with his scent, that homey smell that always brought him comfort, as he wrapped his arms around Li Ming's waist.
Li Ming’s hands instinctively came up to wrap around Heart. One of them buried into Heart’s hair, gently caressing the strands, while the other hand flattened against his back, stroking him through the fabric of his t—shirt.
Heart squeezed him as if he wanted to merge their heartbeats. Feeling Li Ming's caresses was as if the air that panic had stolen from him was being returned.
They stayed like that, swaying just slightly from side to side, letting the silence stop being a weapon of isolation and return to being their favorite language: that of shared peace.