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“Remember just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.” – Robert Downey Jr.
A year ago, Spencer Reid took the last dose of Dilaudid he had in his possession and dumped it down his drain. Logically, he knew that wasn't the best disposal method, but he hadn't really planned on doing it.
His first day sober, the team was on stand-down, and he was sitting on his bathroom floor, staring at the last bit of Tobias’s Dilaudid that he had left. It was mocking him; he wanted to inject it into his veins and be rid of all the flashbacks like he’d been doing since they got back from Georgia. But, something deep inside of him, a piece of him from before Hankel, was telling him what would happen after he took this… you can't buy more, you can't get Dilaudid on the streets. Heroin would be your next hit. You’d eventually lose your job. Something in him snapped, and the next thing he knew, he was dumping that vial down his sink with tears streaming down his face.
After his first week sober, he never really addressed it with the team, but after his week off with the “flu,” he knew they could tell. The proud looks he got from Hotch, the cookies Garcia had hidden in his desk drawer, and the way Morgan looked at him... It all seemed like they were silently congratulating him. Those looks were what kept him going through the rough nights when he just wanted the voices to stop.
A month sober was when the cravings really started, they came on stronger than they ever had before. They were in a nowhere football obsessed town in Ohio where a serial killer was murdering former addicts, he was craving more than ever. Thankfully, Morgan realized somehow that he was struggling. He made sure Spencer consumed more than coffee and went to bed at a reasonable time so he wasn't stuck with his thoughts.
At the end of the case, Morgan drove Spencer home directly from the jet, offering to keep him company when they got to his apartment. They ended up falling asleep while watching Star Trek; they never mentioned the fact that they were practically intertwined by the time they woke up.
When Spencer was 2 months and 3 weeks sober, he went out and purchased everything he needed to get high. He was staring at the drugs, at the belt he removed the moment he got to his bathroom… and he decided he couldn't do it. One minute, he was staring at the supplies in front of him; the next, he was in his bedroom, his phone dialing Morgan. They hadn't talked about Spencer's addiction directly, but he was almost certain Derek knew about it at this point. After three rings, Morgan picked up with a tired-sounding “Pretty boy?”
Spencer didn't know what to say, he didn't think Morgan would actually answer at this time of night, he knew beating around the bush would just end with him saying nevermind and hanging up. “Can you come over… If it's not too much of an issue?”
It must've been something in his voice, because Morgan had to have been breaking multiple traffic laws to get to his apartment so quickly.
When he hit 6 months, their hangouts had become a regular occurrence, and Spencer had realized he’d developed feelings for his coworker turned friend. He was certain he couldn't act on his feelings, though. There was no way Derek liked him back; he was the straightest man Spencer had ever interacted with. Derek could do much better anyway, he had seen the type of women he’d left bars with. So during their next movie night he tried his best to stay a respectable distance from the man he’d come to love.
Now, Spencer has finally hit a year clean, not without a few bumps in the road of course, but he's made it, and it has been so worth it. He had returned John's one-year chip when he received his own, and now he's getting ready for Derek to come over for Star Trek and pizza. He has successfully hidden his feelings for the other man these past few months, not wanting to complicate things while his chance for relapse was still high… he couldn't put Derek through what would have happened if he couldn't stay sober.
A knock at the door suddenly pulled him from his thoughts, he knew Derek was right on time without even looking at the clock. Spencer checked his hair in the mirror quickly, as he had actually started putting effort into his hair since he’d started letting it grow out especially after Derek made a comment about how long it had gotten. Once he decided he looked acceptable, he hurried to his apartment door.
He opened the door to Derek Morgan, not only holding the pizza he’d said he’d bring, but also a book Spencer knew was very expensive.
To be specific, it was a first edition of Solaris by Stanislaw Lem
Spencer was shocked. He’d been searching for years for one in good condition, and here is his best friend holding one like it's no big deal.
Derek's voice pulled him from his thoughts, “You okay there, pretty boy?”
Finally finding his words, Spencer blurted out, “Where did you even find that? Derek, that book is way too expensive!”
“Slow down their genius. I had a few favors to cash in, and it just happened to include a relative who didn't know as much about fancy books as you do. I just figured, big milestone, y’know?” Derek replied with a shrug.
A small smile grows on Spencer's face. Derek was truly the most thoughtful person in the world. Stepping away from the door to let Derek in, he said, “You still didn't have to do that…”
“Didn't do it because I thought I had to, just wanted to show you I’m proud.” Derek walked in, setting the pizza box down on the coffee table, then placing the book into its place in Spencer's display case.
He didn't answer, instead sitting down on the couch waiting for Derek to join him. When he did, he put a hand on Spencer's thigh and spoke again, “I mean it, pretty boy, I’m incredibly proud. I know the past year has been rough on you, but you made it through it all.”
Spencer looked down as his face reddened, “I really couldn't have done it without you..”
“Youre the one who put in all the hard work, I was just a shoulder for you to lean on when times got tough. You're so much stronger than you think, Spence, not many people can get clean alone. Your resilience is one of the things I love about you.”
Spencer's head jerked up, because he definitely did not hear that right. “You love me?” He asked with his face showing a mix of shock and hope.
Derek laughed at his reaction. “I kind of thought that was obvious, Spence. I mean, I'm pretty sure Garcia already thinks we're together.”
“Oh..”
“Is that okay? I kind of assumed my feelings were reciprocated, but if not I can back off. Nothing has to come out of this if you don't want it to.” The last thing Derek ever wanted to do was corner Spencer into a relationship with him, even if that meant pushing down the feelings he’s developed.
“Nonono, trust me, a hundred percent reciprocated! I've liked you for a while too actually..” Spencer rushed out nervously, wringing his hands together.
“...does this mean we’re boyfriends now?” He asked awkwardly, looking hopefully at Derek.
He laughed with a tone of fondness that can only be described as pure adoration for the lanky genius beside him. “Of course, pretty boy, I’d give anything to call you my boyfriend.”
After that, the rest of their night went like normal… except now Spencer and Derek were unashamedly fused to each other's sides.