Ilya Rozanov and A Study in Ornithology

Shane: Hello?
Unknown Caller: Is this bird professor?
Shane: …uh yes?
Unknown Caller: Cool. Do humming birds have legs?
Shane: What?
Unknown Caller: Do humming birds—
Shane: No, I heard you. Yes they have legs.
Unknown Caller: [loud cheering in the background] I win! Thank you bird professor.
Shane: …uh you're welcome?
Unknown Caller: Goodbye.

Notes:

Guess who has two thumbs and knows a bunch of bird facts now!
This entire thing was so unnecessary and has been written solely for my amusement. I saw a tweet and couldn't stop thinking about the hollanov version of it because I'm unwell about these two.
Lastly, I've named some birds wrong on purpose because I couldn't find exact images for the ones I wanted. So like... ignore that.
Anyway, enjoy.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Incoming Call

Unknown Caller

Shane: Hello?

Unknown Caller: Is this bird professor?

Shane: …uh yes?

Unknown Caller: Cool. Do humming birds have legs?

Shane: What?

Unknown Caller: Do humming birds—

Shane: No, I heard you. Yes they have legs.

Unknown Caller: [loud cheering in the background] I win! Thank you bird professor.

Shane: …uh you're welcome?

Unknown Caller: Goodbye.

—×—

Ilya: Why do you call groups of crows murder?; Is mean, no? I read they are helpful birds.
Bird Professor: There's actually a discourse in Ornithology about this.; 15th century poets and literaries have come up with this word.; Modern ornithologists think it only feeds into the negative outlook regarding crows.; And yes, they're intelligent and necessary for our ecosystem.
Ilya: So what should they be called?
Bird Professor: I named my goldfish from third grade, Goldie. So clearly I'm not the ornithologist you should be asking this.
Ilya: But you're the only bird professor I know!
Bird Professor: Broaden your horizons?; Speaking of; How did you find me?
Ilya: I have a friend who takes your class.; Sneaked into one of your lectures with her.
Bird Professor: Should you be telling me this?
Ilya: Is not like you can find me.
Bird Professor: True.

—×—

Ilya: Why the fuck do loons sound like that?; tiny birds have no business sounding like wolves!; what the fuck?!
Shane: Well they sound like that because both loons and wolves evolved in northern forested landscapes to communicate over large, quiet, and often foggy bodies of water.; It's called a wail call by the way.
Ilya: Stupid Canadian wolf birds; With creepy eyes
Shane: Hey now, they're an important part of the ecosystem.
Ilya: Fucking scary is what they are.
Shane: They're tiny compared to humans. I don't know how they can be any threat to you.
Ilya: You know what else is tiny?; Black widow spiders; Tell me how they're not a threat to me
Shane: Okay you have a point.; But no animal will hurt you unless you pose a direct threat to them.; Only humans will do that.

—×—

Ilya: Is it true you should not feed ducks bread?
Shane: Yes. It has no nutrients for them. It's basically equivalent to junk food.; Plus it pollutes the water, leading to more problems for the ducks.
Ilya: What should I feed them?
Shane: Peas, corns, lettuce, kale, grapes; Although, slice the grapes.
Ilya: Ok professor
Shane: Are you planning to feed birds?
Ilya: I go to park every morning, see ducks, thought I should feed them.
Shane: Grayson park?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: Oh! I saw a lovely pair of Mallard ducks with a bunch of ducklings the other day.
Ilya: You keep tabs on ducks?
Shane: Hazard of the job. I notice them.; I'm also worried about the opened sewer grate under the left walkway. I fear a duckling might fall in.
Ilya: Yes I saw that.
Shane: I've tried noting the authorities, but nothing has come of it.
Ilya: You sound like British man from penguin documentary.
Shane: Did you just compare me to Sir David Attenborough?
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: I'm flattered, but no. I'm strictly Canadian.
Ilya: I will see what can be done about broken grate
Shane: You will?

—×—

Shane: There's a wooden plank against grate. Was this your doing?
Ilya: I had some spares. Was not hard to make temporary cover.
Shane: I hope this gets the city's attention.; We pay tax for this
Ilya: I'm immigrant on work visa. So You pay tax. I steal your job.
Shane: I don't believe that bullshit.
Ilya: What bullshit?
Shane: Immigrants stealing our job bullshit.; And you shouldn't as well.
Ilya: Is ok. I hear this everyday almost. Used to it.; Pay is okay so I don't care.
Shane: I am sorry you have to deal with this bullshit.

—×—

Shane: Svetlana, can you please inform the students of ORNI 401 that the class for today will be rescheduled?
Svetlana (TA): Yes professor. I will send an email right away.; Can I ask what happened?
Shane: My car finally gave up on me this morning. I have to send it to the shop.
Svetlana (TA): I'm sorry to hear that.; But I thought you already had it serviced a month ago.
Shane: I did. They said it was going to be fine now. I don't know what went wrong.
Svetlana (TA): If it is not overstepping, I have a friend who's a mechanic. He will be able to help you I think.; He's good at what he does.
Shane: Yes, that would be great actually. I've been thinking about changing mechanics for a while now.
Svetlana (TA): Great. I will send over the contact details.
Shane: Thank you Svetlana.

—×—

Ilya: You sent Bird Professor to my shop???
Sveta: Oh don't be fucking dramatic Illushka; You should be thanking me that I sent business your way.
Ilya: It would be nice to have a heads up!
Sveta: Why? So you could fluff up your feathers for a mating dance?
Ilya: You think you are so funny, don't you Sveta?; We will see how you like it when I tell Landry about the 5 new green dresses you bought only because she said you look good in green.
Sveta: Go fuck yourself 🖕; Did you fix his car?
Ilya: His Outback was a disaster; Those motherfuckers did nothing to fix the issues.; His invoices say they balanced the tires, rotated them, checked the suspension, all the shit.; Know what the problem actually was?; Wheel bearing. Took me less than five minutes to find.; Invoice says they replaced a rear brake caliper eight months ago.; They did not.
Sveta: How can you tell?
Ilya: Original factory date stamp is still on it. Same corrosion pattern too. Thing's probably been there since the car rolled off the assembly line.
Sveta: These fuckers.
Ilya: They kept charging him to "tighten" his sway bar links every few months too.; Also fixed a valve cover gasket leak they somehow "missed" for who knows how long.; You should've seen his face when I handed him the bill.; He could not believe I was charging him that much less.
Sveta: Well look at that now you have a repeat customer whom you happen to have a disgusting crush on.
Ilya: Fuck off.; As if he will look twice at a grease monkey like me
Sveta: Where did you learn that word?; I don't like it; He will be lucky to have you
Ilya: Yeah sure; A broke 27yo with a bunch of jobs who probably smells like motor oil all the time is so attractive; Are we still on for Saturday?
Sveta: Yes; Also, quit your pity party
Ilya: Great. I will show Landry the 65 pictures you sent me of your new green dresses.
Sveta: Ilya I will kill you.
Ilya: No you will not.
Sveta: Do not test me.

—×—

Ilya: Bird Professor
Bird Professor: Person with access to the internet who insists on texting me about bird related queries.
Ilya: I think I have a bird nest in my apartment complex.; It is right outside the parking lot over a pillar with little space above it.
Bird Professor: It seems like they could be anything.; I'm guessing American Robins.
Ilya: Is there any way to help them?; Can I feed them?
Bird Professor: No.; The parents are fully capable of doing so.; You could help the parents however.
Ilya: how?
Bird Professor: You could make a bird feeder.; DIY Birdfeeder youtube.com
Ilya: this looks easy.
Bird Professor: Also keep an eye on the nest.; From a distance.
Ilya: Yes.; Would you like me to send you updates?
Bird Professor: Yes. Thank you.

—×—

Ilya: I make some changes
Shane: This looks like a black-capped chickadee.
Ilya: My god you're such a nerd!
Shane: This is literally my specialty. I've been studying birds for over two decades.
Ilya: You are barely thirty!
Shane: I'm thirty-three actually
Ilya: So what? You were into birds since you were thirteen?
Shane: Well no.; Even before that.; I got a pair of binoculars for my ninth birthday and went birdwatching with my grandpa.; Pretty much since then.
Ilya: So no hockey rink for you?
Shane: I tried.; Really tried for like two years, but then one day some kids slammed me into a locker and broke my glasses.; My mom had enough of it by then and took me out of the program.; The racial slurs didn't help as well.
Ilya: What position did you play?
Shane: Center.; I wasn't too bad.
Ilya: I believe you.; I played center as well. Back in Russia.
Shane: Why did you quit?
Ilya: My father wanted me to get into KHL. I said no. He kicked me out. So I took all the money I had and came to Canada.; Which wasn't a lot of money but I had a good friend helping me out.
Shane: I'm sorry your father wasn't more supportive.
Ilya: He's Russian police. I did not have high expectations.
Shane: Still. He is your father.; So what do you do now?
Ilya: I fix things.
Shane: That's vague.
Ilya: Yes.
Shane: What do you fix?
Ilya: Many things.; Plumbing, cars, sometimes I volunteer at fire station.
Shane: Wow.
Ilya: Yes very important job.; Yesterday I helped kitten off a tree and then had its mama bite me.; Thankless job.
Shane: My condolences.
Ilya: What is this big word?; I did not finish school.
Shane: Oh god, I'm sorry. It means my sympathies.
Ilya: I'm kidding. I know what it means.
Shane: It's hard for me to gauge social cues in person. Nearly impossible over texts. So I apologize in advance if I ever hurt you with my words.
Ilya: Jesus Christ calm down. Is okay. I don't care.
Shane: I do.
Ilya: So you watched birds
Shane: I watched birds. It was a relaxing hobby. Me and Grandpa would just sit in silence and watch. Sometimes we'd capture something rare and take notes, take pictures. It was nice.; I miss him sometimes.
Ilya: Is he…
Shane: Dead yes. Passed away when I was eighteen.
Ilya: Do you miss him?
Shane: I'm going to say something incredibly lame so don't judge me.; Or do. I don't care.; I think he was the closest thing I had to a best friend.; He understood me in ways nobody else probably will.; So yes, to answer your question, I do miss him.
Ilya: I don't think it is lame.; I miss my mom too. We were close until she died.; I miss her too.; I think it is very lucky to find someone you feel close to within your own blood.; Because most of the time it is your own blood that makes you feel most alone.; Fuck that was depressing.; Ignore me.
Shane: No, no. It's okay. I understand what you mean. My parents are good to me. But… yeah. I know what you mean.
Shane: What is your name?
Ilya: You can call me Ilya.
Shane: You can call me Shane.

—×—

Ilya: But I like calling you Bird Professor.
Shane: You can call me that too.

—×—

Shane: They're growing up.
Ilya: Nice picture.; You went today morning?
Shane: I go every morning.
Ilya: I could not go.
Shane: You do woodworking too?; Wow you are talented
Ilya: Says encyclopedia of birds.; I am jack of many trades but expert of none.
Shane: You know there's more to that saying right?
Ilya: What?
Shane: Jack of all trades, master of none. But oftentimes better than a master of one.
Ilya: I did not know that.
Shane: Now you do.; You're talented.; Accept the compliment and move on; Don't argue with me.
Ilya: Yes sir.

—×—

Incoming Call

Ilya

Shane: Ilya?

Ilya: [little slurred] Hey, is there any bird named Irina?

Shane: [pause] No

Ilya: [sigh] Too bad

Shane: Why? Is that your girlfriend?

Ilya: [laughs] No. Is my mother. I miss her.

Shane: Oh. I'm sorry.

Ilya: [silence] Is her birthday today.

Shane: Oh!

Ilya: Yes. [sigh] I should go. Sorry for calling you.

Shane: Ilya

Ilya: Goodbye.

—×—

Ilya: Ugh! Sorry did I say anything stupid last night?
Shane: No not at all.; Are you okay?
Ilya: I am fine.
Shane: Are you really?
Ilya: Yes, Shane. I'm fine.; I have to go.

—×—

Shane: Hey did you know that during World War II, the U.S. military explored Project Pigeon?; They successfully trained pigeons to peck at screens to guide missiles to their targets.; Pigeons can also recognize human faces and distinguish written words from gibberish.; Smart huh?
Shane: Another fun fact for you; You, the average man, would have to eat around 285 pounds of meat per day to maintain your weight if you had the metabolism of a hummingbird.; They're incredibly fast for a reason.
Shane: Are you okay?
Shane: This is 100% a real bird. It's called Patoo.
Ilya: It looks like it has seen some shit.
Shane: Are you okay?
Ilya: I am fine.
Shane: Okay.
Ilya: Okay I am not fine.; I had an accident at work.
Shane: What happened?
Ilya: Leg got wrapped around pipe. Pipe was connected to moving car. Fell and got dragged across cement floor for 3 seconds.
Shane: Oh my god!
Ilya: It is not that bad. Only burns when I sweat.; So it burns a lot.; But nothing serious.
Ilya: If pigeons recognize human faces, it will actually explain why one of those motherfuckers keeps shitting on my truck.; Any tips to help with that?
Shane: Nope. You're doomed.

—×—

Shane: Rose, we're friends right?
Rose: Do not dismember the body.
Shane: What?
Rose: Wrap it in a tarp, put it in your trunk and go to a forest.; Dig 3 inches deep and bury it.; Also plant an endangered plant over it. They'll need special permission to uproot it.; Send me the location. I'll bring the shovel.
Shane: Jesus Christ!; No!
Rose: So you didn't kill anyone?
Shane: I look at birds for a living!
Rose: Unrelated but okay; What's up?
Shane: Is it bad if I look at someone's bruises and find it attractive?
Rose: Damn Hollander!; Didn't think you had a kinky side!; It's always the quiet ones.
Shane: You're no help.
Rose: No no wait; I'll call you in 30.; We'll talk more about your newly discovered kink then.
Shane: Fine.

—×—

Ilya: You look nice in glasses
Shane: They're for practical purposes
Ilya: You still look fucking hot in them
Shane: Uh; Thank you.
Ilya: Also your freckles are very pretty; Vesnushki
Shane: What's that?
Ilya: Nothing.
Shane: I can look it up.
Ilya: Yes you can.
Shane: But I'd much rather you tell me.
Ilya: Russian for freckles.
Shane: oh.

—×—

Shane: You came to my office today.
Ilya: Did I?
Shane
Ilya: Do you like it?
Shane: Yes. A lot.; Thank you.
Ilya: I heard it was your birthday.; So
Shane: I love it. It's very beautiful.; You're very talented.; I wish you would've given it to me in person though.
Ilya: Yeah?
Shane: Yeah.; I'd like to meet you.
Ilya: What if you don't like me?
Shane: You charged me 50% less on my car bill and didn't exploit me when it was pretty obvious that I know nothing about cars. I like you already.
Ilya: So you knew huh?
Shane: I had a hunch. Not a lot of Russian mechanics in Ottawa.; Also, I saw you talk to Svetlana a month back in the college cafeteria.
Ilya: Ah.
Shane: Would you like to meet?
Ilya: I would.; On one condition.
Shane: Yes?
Ilya: I pay for the first date.
Shane: Oh it's a date then?
Ilya: Do you not want it to be a date?; We can also just get coffee.; Casual.
Shane: I think I'd like it to be a date.

—×—

Sveta: DID I JUST FUCKING SEE YOU SUCK FACE WITH MY PROFESSOR???!!!!; IN HIS FUCKING OFFICE????; ILLUSHA ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW!!!
Ilya: Now now Sveta, you know I'm a gentleman.
Sveta: You are the farthest thing from a gentleman!; I am calling you and you better not spare any details.

—×—

Svetlana (TA): Good evening Professor.
Shane: Good evening Svetlana. Is everything alright?
Svetlana (TA): Yes everything is alright.; I actually wanted to talk to you about something non-academic.
Shane: Yes?
Svetlana (TA): It's about Ilya.
Shane: Go on.
Svetlana (TA): He is my best friend.; I am his only family.; Well, only family that matters.; I love him very much.; I don't ever want to see him get hurt again.; I think he deserves the world.; I also hold you to a high standard and respect you very much.; But I care for Ilya more.; So; Don't hurt him, okay?; Or else; I mean I will have to hate you on principle; And I don't want to do that.
Shane: Oh; Thank you, Svetlana. That's actually incredibly sweet.; I will try my very best with Ilya. I happen to like him a lot as well.; But I appreciate you looking out for him nonetheless.

—×—

Ilya: So im durkn
Shane: I can tell.; Should I come and pick you up now?; All done with the bachelor party?
Ilya: marley hs a tiara; luks preetty on hum; yed; ues; yws; tak me hom
Shane: Okay I'm on my way.
Ilya: why u not hate me; u shud; im messssss
Shane: What are you talking about?
Ilya: alwys amess
Shane: Don't be ridiculous; Plus, I love taking care of you.
Ilya: I loev yuo; I love yuo; Fuck; I; LOVE; YOU
Shane: I love you too. Now sit tight and drink some water. I'm on my way.

—×—

[4 YEARS LATER]

Excerpts:

A Golden Surprise in Ontario: Professor Documents New Prothonotary Warbler Variant

In a discovery that has generated excitement among bird researchers across North America, 37-year-old ornithologist Dr. Shane Hollander has formally described a previously undocumented variant of the Prothonotary Warbler found in the wetlands of southern Ontario.

The bird, designated Protonotaria citrea irinae and informally known as "Irina's Warbler," was identified after several years of field observations and genetic analysis conducted by Hollander and his research team. A professor of ornithology, Hollander first noticed the unusual population during a routine survey of nesting sites along a remote floodplain.

At first glance, the birds appeared nearly identical to the familiar Prothonotary Warbler, one of North America's most striking songbirds. However, closer examination revealed subtle but consistent differences. Individuals within the Ontario population displayed slightly paler golden plumage, a distinctive silver-gray wash along the wings, and a song pattern that differed subtly from neighboring populations.

"The differences are easy to miss if you aren't looking for them," Hollander explained. "But once you spend enough time observing them, they become remarkably consistent."

The newly described variant inhabits mature swamp forests and wooded wetlands, where it nests in tree cavities above shallow water. Researchers believe the population may have remained isolated for centuries, allowing it to develop unique characteristics while retaining its close relationship to the broader Prothonotary Warbler species.

Particularly notable is the bird's unusually calm behavior around nesting sites. Field notes indicate that P. c. irinae spends more time in exposed perches and exhibits a lower rate of alarm calling than other documented populations.

Despite the excitement surrounding the discovery, conservationists emphasize that the finding highlights the importance of protecting Ontario's increasingly threatened wetland habitats. The population appears relatively small, and further surveys are already underway to determine its range and long-term stability.

For bird enthusiasts, however, the discovery serves as a reminder that even among some of North America's best-studied birds, nature still holds surprises.

As dawn breaks across Ontario's marshes, the soft song of Protonotaria citrea irinae now carries with it a new scientific significance—a small but remarkable addition to our understanding of the natural world.

Notes:

A friend of mine studying zoology has proofread this "very real" article:
Big shout out to Kait as usual for yapping with me and being the best Beta reader ever.
Leave a comment and kudos if you liked it. We'd really appreciate that.
Have a lovely day, stay hydrated, and take care ❤️

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