I’m still seething with directionless rage as I finally get inside my apartment and slam the door shut. I'll probably get a complaint and a fine about that but I don’t care. I’m just done, my give-a-fuck-o-meter is empty and shattered and burned away to ash. I know this is stupid. I’m stupid, I shouldn’t be having a childish meltdown over today but I am and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I have fucking routines for a reason dammit! I’m capable! I can do things! I’m a good fucking productive member of fucking society! Just let me do my thing and don’t micromanage all my fucking tasks!

I’ve been under my new manager for a week and she’s been insisting on pointing out all the ways I can be doing my job "more efficiently" she might even be right for all I fucking know. But it doesn’t matter! I do things the way I do them the same way every day because it fucking works! I can’t just change the order I do my morning rounds of cleaning, I can’t just sneak in an extra step! I've been doing things one way for years!

I had a fucking panic attack and ran home from work after being made to do a small part of the housekeeper’s jobs today. This shouldn't matter and if I was more competent this wouldn’t be a problem, I could just do what I'm fucking told and not worry about the fact I needed to improvise. I had to spontaneously enter 40 rooms without ANY protocol. I had to enter each without my loud-ass floor burnisher, I had to interact with the residents without my fool-proof excuse of not being able to hear them when I don’t have the energy to respond!

My whole body is shaking with the need to expel this horrible, hot, vile wrongness that built up today. I can feel the tears in my eyes and just try to blink them away for long enough to break down properly. I can’t do this on the couch; I'll not get up and end up sleeping there and hurt my neck.

I toss my keys onto the counter and stomp off to my bedroom.

This is fine. I'm going to be okay. This isn’t the end of the world, I'll be okay. This is okay I'll be okay. Stars a-fuckin-bove I’m a fucking adult!

I finally make it to my bed and flop into a pillow and scream until the nerves in my throat beg me to stop. It helped a little, but not enough, I can feel the tears spilling out freely now, I know what comes next and it sucks. I don’ wanna I dont I-

I roll over and look up at the ceiling and feel my breaths get funny and I feel a familiar warmth in my chest, slow and soft and much, much simpler than the meanie hot feelings I had a bits ago.

I start to cry even more as I realize it’s happened again and I'm like dis and I gotta not be like this! I can’t do this every time somthin’ goes wrong!! This is bad, I can't be like dis!

I sob into my big plush Sharkie and just try and ignore the shame in my tummy. I’ve done this too many times, and I'm bads and a failure and wrong and- I squeeze Sharkie so hard that my arms start to shake and hurt. I try and take deep breaths and eventually manage to cry enough that the worst of the wave has passed.

I’m not betters all the way, I’m still broken and little and wrong and I’m jus’ not thinkin’ about it or else I'll start crying agains. I reach for my phone and seeing the messages there causes icky feelin's so I throw it as hard as I can at a wall. I feel worse right away as I realize I def just brokes the screen!!

My breath hitches and I go back to squeezing Sharkie. I feel bad for Sharkie, I squishy her too much and I really need to restuff her, but I don’ really ‘member how to do that and I’m too shaky for needles right nows anyways.

Eventually I reach for the thing I keep next to my bed for times like this. I sniffle as I arrange my pillows and other smaller stuffies to lay against and then turn on my old e-reader.

It doesn't have a screen which makes lights so it’s perfect for goin’ to beds to and that’s what I prolly needs right nows. Plus, the stories I have on it will help me feel less bads for being broken and littles.

I flick through chapter after chapter. I giggle and cry and babble as my mind gets floatier, and floatier. Eventually my reader falls gently against my chest and I fall asleeps cuddlin’ with Sharkie.

When I wake up I quickly try and assess the damage. I’m normal again which is good. Shit, right, my phone. Stupid of me to throw it, what was I thinking?! I take a deep breath and get up to pick up the phone.

Ah.

...

I’m fired.

I immediately feel the wave of vertigo and quickly move to steady myself against my bed as a subsequent wave of hopeless dread suffuses through me so quickly that I can’t even properly figure out what’s happened. I shut down my phone rather than throw it this time at least.

I mean it’s fair that I was fired, I did leave halfway through my shift. Even as stupid as what my manager made me do was, I still failed. This is the natural consequence of the actions I took. This was the inevitable outcome of my unending incompetence. A job, pattern I've kept for three years suddenly ripped away because I fucked up and couldn't handle it. I don’t even have the emotional capacity to worry about what this means for my finances, my ability to live in this shitty little apartment. Right now, this is just another broken pattern, and it aches.

And just like my precious little patterns, I break too easily.

I numbly curl up on my bed. No reason to pretend to be functional this morning.

My stomach grumbles at me but I don’t care. I feel the familiar sniffles start to come up as I feel the fluttery sensation in my chest and I know it’s starting again I- it’s okay it’s okay I'm I’m just brok’n an its otay. I'll be otay, I’ll be a big girl it’s otay! I can be a big girl- I'll need to find another job and and- and-

Eventually I start readin' again. I let the stories suck me away. So many little girls like me getting swept away and taken care of, gettin' to live lives I wish so desperately were more than impossible dreams. I get up sometimes, snack on some stuff I had in the… um, the pantry. And um sometimes, I drink chocky milk and sometimes even waters and, and, I’m otay. I'll be otay. It’s otay that I'm little… even if I dont have a mommy- I'll be otay! I just- The fluttery warmth in my chest tightens arround my heart for a moment. I wanna mommy so bads- I needs a mommy- I need-

I squeeze Sharkie to try and make the empty ache go away.

It’s... been a few days I thinks? Sometimes I'm bigs but I don' really do anythings when I am, I just sit arround and stare at the walls and stuff which is boring and sads. But when I'm little I sometimes do stuffs. I’m really gross but I'm too little to clean up properlys.

Right now it’s late at nights, I’m getting reallllllly eepy and smiling along to a story.

Theres knocking at the door.

Mean! I’m reading! Meanies to interrupts me! I let out an annoyed huff and decide to ignore the big dumb door. The knock comes again, and I just lift the covers over my head to ignore it. The reader screen may not make lights on its own but that’s otay ‘cause I gots a little reading light for it. I read along and giggle about being so smart and successfully ignoring the door.

I'm very, very surprised when something gently grabs at my covers. I let out a little eep of alarm and panic as I clutch them tightly.

"Hello little one." my breathing stops for a moment and immediately I start to shake slightly under the blankies I- Her voice is soooo pretty. "I’m sorry I had to come in this way, but you wouldn’t answer when I knocked and-" I gotta sees her, she sounds so nice, even if I’m scared to let somebodys see me when I’m littles.

I very, very carefully lower the sheets just enough to peak my eyes at the source of the pretty voice. The fluttery warmth in my chest suddenly gets overwhelming as I see the giant plant woman kneeling down next to my bed. I should be scared I thinks. She's rrrrreally big and made of plants and that should be scary and impossibles… but something about her gentle smile and voice makes me less scareds.

Wait, didn’t the news say something about scary plant people? They was gonna eat everybodys or somthin’- but she can’t be one of those ‘ffini things, she looks too nice!

"Oh my, you’re quite the adorable little thing, aren’t you?"

I start to tear up at that, I reject the kind plant lady instantly, she’s toooo nicies I don' deserve compliments! "I not little!- or adorables! I'm bad, and- and ugly, and gross!"

She blinks at my words for a moment before her smile grows just a touch, "We'll simply have to disagree petal, you seem very, very, verrrry little and adorable to me."

A vine I didn’t notice pulls down my sheets slightly and another boops me on the nose which makes me giggle before I remember I should disagree, "N-nuh uh!"

"Don't you ‘nuh uh’ me, little one~" her voice is stern, I don’ think she's mads… But what if she is!?! What if I made her mads at me!? I don' want her to be mads at me! She's nicies!

"S-sowwy…"

A gentle vine finds the top of my head and pets softly through my messy hair, "Shhh, you've done nothing wrong darling. No need for apologies."

‘Darling’? My chest feels tight and I fight back the little tingles of shame in my tummy, "I did tho, Im bads..."

"No, I promise you’re not petal. How about this, do you think you could tell me your name sweetie? I am Dianphylah Bulbiferum, 4th Bloom, she/her pronouns."

Oh no, that name sounds real hards... "I um- Nice to meet you Dee-an-fila, I-I'm And-drom'da"

Apparently I didn’t mess up her name too bads cause she’s still smiling! "Andromeda, like the princess you cuties named a galaxy after?"

I nod nervously, and feel my heart sink, is she gonna make fun of my name? I likes my name! I picked it out specials and everything! I start to hide under the covers again before a giant hand gently keeps me from hiding. "I think that's a very, very cute name for an adorable little princess."

My heart starts goin’ real fast and my chest feels tight as I start squirming. She thinks my names cute?! And- and!! She called me a princess!! I- I- I’m princess? I-I-

My head is all full of stories and I gets all excited. She's so big and pretty and thinks I'm adorable and calls me a princess and… could she be my mommy? I hope she can be my mommy- I should asks her, I needs a mommy right? I needs it I- my face is hot and wet.

"Easy princess, you’re alright." Soft, so very soft leaves gently wipe away at my face.

"M-"

"Hm? What is it dear? Use your words for me."

"M-m-"

She smiles patiently and that simple little bit of reassurance let's the word leave my lips,

"M-mommy?"

My whole world seems to freeze as my adult brain kicks into a panic and fights back against the blanket of stupid littleness. She's gonna say no this was stupid I'm stupid this is dumb I'm I’m I’m-

I feel a warm overwhelming vibration in the air and suddenly melt as my body goes limp under the weight of the sensation. My silly adult worries are slipperys and vines are suddenly gently pulling me up out of my bed.

"That’s right, mommy's here now princess."

The world stops again, and this time when I can breath again, her words breaks me, I start to sob.

I sob harder than I ever have in my life, my heart nearly cracking from the sheer relief of it all. I have a mommy, and she's so big and niceties and- and made of pretty plants and there’s no way I have to worry about stuff if I haves her to take care of me and she's so nice and fjfjcks and andnandn.

"Let's get you home little one." I barely even follow what’s happening as she carries me through my little apartment, Sharkie’s in my arms tho, and I think mommy grabbed all my other plushies too! Also, I have a mommy!!!!!

Mommy brings me to the door and I get scared all of da sudden, there’s meanies out there! “No! Stops!”

Mommy freezes the moment I say to, “What’s wrong, my precious little princess? Is there something else you needed me to bring home with you?”

I fidget with a big orange and yellow flower, “Um- I don’ think so- I jus’- I- um- I'm scareds cause... there’s meanies outsides…”

Mommy laughs and I smile even tho I’m still worried about the meanies, I feel a little pinch on my leg but I’m distracteds from that when Mommy talks, “You don’t need to worry about that dearest, Mommy will keep you safe from any meanies, from now until….” She puts on act of thinking about it for a moment, “-how about, until: forever? Does that sound good, princess?”

I giggle because mommy's bein' silly, forevers is impossibles! But I can’t help but nod anyways. Somehow, I just know even tho it’s impossibles Mommy will keep me safe forevers.

“Good, now then, let’s get my adorable little treasure home, shall we?” I nod again and squirm a little to get more comfy in Mommy’s arms as the front door opens up.