Chapter Text
Adopting the routine of weekly hot chocolate was something Pomni thought might help her feel closer to Jax. But ultimately it just made her feel a sense of longing that was nearly unbearable.
Hot chocolate wasn’t something she used to seek out. She’d have a mug or two around the holidays, but she never chose it at a cafe in the real world.
Honestly, the Circus’s cafe wasn’t an area of the circus she frequented before Jax abstracted. Eating wasn’t a necessity, so she didn’t do it very often. It tended to slip her mind most of the time, unless Caine decided to host a dinner of some kind. A reward after an adventure, or just something to bring everybody together.
Pomni found herself wanting to attend these things less and less.
At first, she was fine. She was upset, yes, of course. He was gone and she couldn’t save him. It sucked, but she was coping. Going on adventures with her friends and creating new things with the free reign Caine now gave them…
…But it didn’t last.
A week passed. Then two. Then three. And, over time, Pomni started to feel an emptiness inside her chest. A longing, slowly hollowing her out from the inside. It took awhile for her to realize what the feeling was.
Mourning.
Loss.
She had always heard it came in waves, that there was no one right way to grieve, but she really didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Hanging out with everybody started to feel painful. There was an obvious missing piece that everybody just ignored, and slowly her emptiness turned to anger.
Life continued like he never mattered. They all kept going like he never mattered.
He existed. He mattered. He was gone.
She had loved him, and her love couldn’t save him.
Pomni stared down at her half-empty mug as her thoughts raced. The glossy green ceramic reflected her roulette eyes back at her, and all she saw was exhaustion.
She didn’t finish her drink. She set the mug down, knowing it would time out of existence eventually.
She just wanted to go back to bed.
The hallway felt longer than it used to. His bedroom was still right across from hers- his cocky grin and big eyes staring at her every time she opened her door. Only now, there was a large red ‘X’ through his face.
Avoiding it hurt. Actually looking hurt even more.
The first time Pomni went across the hall was in the middle of the night, a month after he was gone.
She fought the urge to knock-obviously nobody was going to answer, but it was a habit. One she was going to have to break.
Staring at his face was always going to hurt. She would do anything just to see him again, but not like this. Not as a drawing that was crossed out. Not looking like a forgotten concept that was marked red in a moment of frustration.
The door knob felt cold. The gleaming brass felt like ice under her hand, sending a shock through her system. All of the doorknobs were the same, so why did his feel so… different?
She turned it slowly, pushing it open. The door creaked, the wood groaning in some kind of moral protest. Jax would’ve been angry if she went into his room without permission, the hypocrite that he was. He was always breaking into everybody else’s rooms to play pranks or take things.
He was such an asshole.
She missed him so much.
Standing in the hallway and staring into the dark room, she felt her legs begin to shake. There was no corny moment of ‘feeling his presence’, but there was an immediate pang of dread in her chest as she let it sink in.
He’s not here.
And he’s never coming back.
Before she even felt them she heard the sound of cartoon teardrops hitting the floor… The tears falling down her face.
A part of her had been convinced he was still there. Hiding away in his room. He’d come out one day and it would all just be another prank. A sick joke that everybody would be pissed at him for, but ultimately relieved because he’s okay.
Her throat felt swollen suddenly.
She took a deep breath before looking up and down the hallway, double checking that nobody was watching her…
And then she went inside.
She closed the door behind her and turned on the light.
The blue flooring and pink walls looked like it was straight out of a kids bedroom. She knew that must’ve been frustrating. She hated her own room at first, before Caine finally gave in and let them change things. It was childish. The opposite of what she wanted.
The small table with three chairs made her smile. Green, yellow, and pink. She wondered how many times he sat there with them-his friends. Before everything started going downhill.
Her feet dragged across the carpet as she made her way over to his bed. The patchwork blanket looked comfortable. Soft and plush.
She sat down and wrapped herself in it.
His scent was still on it. And it was enough to pull a sob from her lips. She held it to her face and inhaled.
She laid her head down on the pillow, facing the wall as she finally let herself properly cry. Before this it was just tears stinging her eyes and holding it in. Now the floodgates were open, and she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
The Polaroids on the wall were turned over, face down, as if in shame. Maybe it wasn’t her place to do so, but she started to turn them back upright. She wanted to know, wanted to feel closer to him.
Him, Ribbit, and Kaufmo at the cafe.
Ribbit and Kaufmo on a picnic blanket posing for a picture.
Jax and Ribbit doing a silly pose.
Jax, Ribbit, and Ragatha all in a race car.
…And then she saw her own face.
The photo they took during the gun adventure. Pomni pointing both her guns at the camera with a big grin. Jax taking the photo and smiling while pointing his own gun at it. His confident grin.
She let out a soft laugh, hiccuping slightly as it turned into a sob.
She thought he threw it away after their fight. But he kept it.
Her hands trembled as she took it off the wall and hugged it to her chest. She held the blanket around her a little bit tighter.
“…I-I miss you.” She managed to squeak out in between sobs, speaking to nothing but the objects that used to belong to him.
Nothing but his memory.
“…You want me to do what?”
Pomni stood in Caine’s office. He had moved it to a more accessible part of the circus, and now everybody could come find him whenever they wanted or needed to. The end of the hallway held his door, an ominous mix of red and blue.
He looked concerned. Almost afraid, like Pomni had just spoken something unspeakable. Forbidden and taboo.
And maybe she had.
“…Is that really so crazy?” She asked him, her voice trembling slightly. She knew it was selfish, morally very wrong… but that still wasn’t enough to deter her from walking all the way to Caine’s office and asking him.
Was it fucked up…? Had anybody thought of it before her?
Caine stayed seated in his chair, his fingers drumming together as he watched her carefully. The air in the room felt heavy as his eyes darted between hers.
“It’s… potentially dangerous? For both your mental health and the risk of certain codes being corrupted. It could go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.” Caine explained gently. Not really meeting her gaze anymore. He seemed almost ashamed to even be speaking about this.
It made her stomach lurch.
“But it is… potentially possible?” Her voice is shaky as she asks for clarification. Afraid and excited for the answer.
He floated up above his chair. Pacing in the air with his hands behind his back, thinking about it for a moment before speaking again.
“…Yes. Potentially. I have all of his mind files. His room is still there, but…” He paused, turning to look at Pomni again. “…You do realize it won’t actually be him, right?”
…Pomni took a shaky breath. Of course she knew that. Jax wasn’t ever coming back. Never.
Not even Caine could change that.
“…I… I know…”
“And I have to confine this copy to his bedroom. If it wanders the circus, it could cause issues. So if you want to visit with it… you have to do it in there.”
Pomni felt a shiver go up her spine.
She had already been sleeping in Jax’s room occasionally. It still smelled like him. His photos were still on the wall… the possibility of him being there with her, even if it was just an NPC copy…
…It made her chest ache. Excitement and dread. The feeling was complicated, and it brought tears to her eyes.
“…It’ll… it’ll act like him. Right…?” She asks softly, wiping her eyes.
Caine paused again. “…Pomni, I’m not sure this is a good idea-“
She cut him off. Desperate and trembling.
“Yes or no!? Will it act like him? Sound like him? Smell like him…?” Her hands rest on his desk now. Fingers shaking as she holds herself up.
She wants this. She needs this.
Caine nodded slowly. “It’s… his mind files. So… yes. All of that. But it’s not really him. It’s an NPC of my creation.”
She could feel her heart rate picking up. She wanted this. Wanted it now.
“Do it.”
“…Pomni, I’m-“
“You said we get free reign of this place now! We get to make our own choices! So fucking do it!” She snapped. She didn’t mean to- but she was worked up. Grieving and sick. She barely slept but constantly felt exhausted. Her eyes felt dry from always crying.
If this was what she needed to help her cope… who was anybody else to judge her?
…Caine stared at her for a moment. Unsure. Almost nervous… but ultimately…
He nodded.
“…The cross stays on his door. But… his room won’t be empty anymore.” He agreed, reluctantly.
She swallowed hard. Her throat felt like it was full of rocks and sand.
“…You won’t tell the others, right?” She asked softly. She didn’t know if she could look them in the eye if they knew.
They wouldn’t understand.
They would think it’s wrong. And it probably was.
“I won’t say anything.” He assured her. There wasn’t judgement in his eyes, just… concern. Worry.
“Thank you…” She took a shaky breath, standing up straight. “…H-How soon can you..?”
…His shoulders slumped a bit. Like he was defeated. Giving up.
“I already did it.”
Pomni tried to look casual as she left Caine’s office. If she looked as terrified as she felt, she was afraid somebody would suspect something. Most likely Ragatha.
It wasn’t like she didn’t appreciate her concern. Ragatha had been Pomni’s biggest comfort through all of this, during the times where she actually let somebody in. Always wanting to be there to lend an ear or offer a distraction, but…
She didn’t wanna talk about it. Didn’t wanna face it.
She knew that made her a hypocrite.
Knew she was acting like him.
Walking down the hallway and away from Caine’s office, she paused outside Ribbit’s door.
She never met her- not really. But when she saw life through Jax’s eyes…
Ribbit was everything.
The way he looked at her. Felt about her. It was like she hung the stars. He would seek herout constantly. Wanting to spend every waking moment with her and only her. One stupid mistake made him close off- made him shut them out. And it cost him everything.
It made him somebody else.
What confused Pomni even more was when her own memories played out- the gun adventure. The feelings she felt through Jax about herself were… similar.
Intense. Conflicted, but… affectionate.
Maybe not as intense. She wasn’t sure that kind of love could ever happen twice. Ribbit was his twin flame.
Pomni was… something else.
Or at least she was meant to be.
But she never got the chance. He was already locked away by the time she got here.
When Ribbit abstracted, she took part of him with her.
Pulling herself away from the door, Pomni’s legs started to shake as she walked. There wasn’t anybody around. Kinger was probably in his fort. Gangle and Zooble were probably off doing some sort of activity. Ragatha was… well.
It was hard to guess with her.
Sometimes she was in her bedroom. Sometimes she was off finding something to do. She didn’t like to stay still for too long, and usually it led to her trying to get Pomni involved again.
She appreciated it, really, she did. It was just so… exhausting. Having to pretend she didn’t want to curl up into a ball and melt into the ground every few minutes. It hit her in the chest at random times. Pure agony and longing. A desperate need that can no longer be filled.
If she hangs out with everybody else on the couches, his face is right there on a mural they all painted. When it was actually being done it felt good. Felt like honoring his memory and loving him the only way they still could.
Now it just hurt to look at it.
…She froze when she heard a door opening.
Her shoulders slumped when she saw Ragatha walking out of her room.
“Oh! Heya, Pomni!” She greeted her with an excited wave and a smile. But her face slowly shifted to concern, her hands resting overtop each other in front of her. “…Are you doing okay?”
Pomni realized she probably looked terrified and uncomfortable. There was a heavy weight on her chest knowing what she had just done- what Caine had just created. And that it was just meters away, locked behind a door.
She quickly fixed herself. Stood up properly and relaxed her shoulders. Her heart rate was going way too fast, but she tried her best to mask it with a small smile. The best she could muster up.
“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine! I’m just… going back to my room.” She explained, pointing over her shoulder at her door with her thumb. Thank God it was placed where it was. If Jax’s room was down the hall she wasn’t sure what kind of excuse she could make.
“Oh! Were you just with Caine, then?” Ragatha asked her, the concern mostly gone now. Just curiosity.
Pomni glanced down the hallway at Caine’s office door. Cursing the fact that it was the only actual option of where she could have just been.
It was just going to raise more questions, and Pomni just wanted this conversation to be over.
She wanted to see it, to see…
Him.
She took a shaky breath and nodded.
“Yeah. Yeah, I needed to talk to him real quick.”
“About what?” Ragatha asked with a head tilt. Innocent curiosity and casual conversation that just irritated Pomni at the moment. And that wasn’t fair. She knew that.
She didn’t have an excuse at the ready. She didn’t really expect Ragatha to become some sort of roadblock.
“Uhhhh. I had an idea. For a new adventure! And I didn’t really wanna walk all the way to the suggestion box, so I just… told him in person.” She explains, trying to seem casual. She was pretty sure she just looked stressed.
Ragatha seemed to brighten up at that.
“Oh! Does that mean you’ll come on adventures again, soon?”
Pomni had sort of… taken Zoobles place as of late. Sitting out on adventures so she could stay in her room.
“Yeah. Yeah, probably.” It was a lie. But she couldn’t suggest an adventure and then say no.
“That’s awesome! Wanna come get a snack with me at the cafe? You can tell me about your idea!” Ragatha offered, metaphorically extending her hand.
It was sweet. Kind and thoughtful. Pomni honestly didn’t deserve it.
She was selfish and all she wanted to do was let it swallow her. He was right there. She was so close, she just needed Ragatha to go away.
“…Um. Maybe next time.” Pomni started, flinching when Ragatha’s face fell slightly. “Sorry! S-Sorry. I really am fine, I’m just… I’m tired. Didn’t sleep well last night. Gonna take a nap.”
A bullshit excuse, but not a complete lie. She didn’t sleep at all last night. She stayed up in his room, tracing the photos on his wall with her finger. Memorizing his face, like she was terrified of forgetting it.
Ragatha nodded, a look of sympathy on her face. Pomni got that look a lot lately.
“Alright, well… I hope you sleep well.”
“Thanks, Ragatha.”
There was a moment where they both just stood there. And Pomni realized Ragatha was waiting for her to leave first.
She gave Ragatha an awkward smile and turned, going inside her room.
She shut the door and pressed her ear to the wood, listening for Ragatha’s retreating footsteps.
Silence for a moment. And then a soft sigh, followed by the sound of her descending down the hallway.
Pomni let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She rested her back against her door and looked up at the ceiling, rubbing her hands down her face.
She wanted to run across the hall. Wanted to rip the door open.
But she was hesitating.
In all of her selfishness, she finally realized she never even thought about how Jax would feel about what she was doing.
This was sick. Fucked up. Probably violating.
Would he ever forgive her for doing this? Recreating him into some sort of artificial being so she can hear his voice again? See his face?
She felt nauseous, suddenly. Would he hate her? Would he think she was a sick fuck?
Because that’s what she felt like.
She was living in constant guilt already. He approached her- he wanted to reach out right before he abstracted, but he got scared. Why didn’t she go after him…? Why didn’t she pry harder?
It wasn’t too late to turn back. She could still go back to Caine’s office. Tell him to undo it. Mourn him like a normal person. Accept the pain for a while until it becomes numb, but…
She was just so selfish.
What was… it… even doing in there all by itself? Did it stay in one place, not moving until somebody came into the room? Was it always conscious? Did it… did he believe he was really Jax? Did he know he was just an NPC…?
She was starting to think she had jumped into it too quickly. That she should have talked to Caine a little more in depth before bringing something like this to fruition.
She knew what she should have done. She should have reversed it. She should have told Caine it was a mistake. But she didn’t do that.
She took a deep breath and opened her door slowly, peeking out to make sure the coast was clear again.
Up and down the hallway, it was empty. No sounds of anybody nearby, either. She had a clear opening.
Pomni stared across the hall at the door. At the red lines across his face. She just felt…
Angry.
At him. At herself. At Caine. At everybody. This wasn’t supposed to happen. So what choice did she have? She couldn’t keep going like this. At any point she felt like she was going to abstract next.
Without thinking for another second, she raced across the hallway. She threw the door open and stepped inside, shutting it quickly behind her.
She was facing the door. Her breathing heavy as she stared down at her hands on the knob. That same cold, heavy brass. There was a presence behind her- and she was afraid to turn around.
Her shoulders were shaking. She was trembling. Her knees felt weak. Her body felt like it was in fight or flight- like there was a ghost behind her.
“Jeez. Didn’t anybody ever teach you how to knock, Pomni?”
…Her blood ran cold.
It sounded just like him.
She turned around slowly, keeping her gaze locked to the floor. She let her eyes begin to slowly rise until she saw purple feet. Salmon overalls. Gold buttons.
…Yellow grin.
He was watching her. One eyebrow raised and head tilted slightly. His arms crossed. Like something was amusing.
Like she didn’t feel like she was about to throw up.
It was so… realistic. He looked exactly the same. Mannerisms, physical appearance, voice, all of it.
“You just gonna gawk at me, or what?” He asked, one of his feet thumping on the ground rhythmically.
Every time he spoke, Pomni felt goosebumps on her skin. It sounded so perfect, so why did she feel so wrong?
…She took a shaky step forward. Then another. And another.
Until she was running.
Closing the gap and wrapping her arms around his legs.
Her entire body shook with sobs as she closed her eyes, holding on tightly. He was solid. He felt real. He stiffened for a moment. Exactly what Jax would probably do. His hands were up as he stared down at her, blinking a couple times.
…One hand gently rested on her jester hat, just holding it there. Like he didn’t know what he was supposed to do in this situation.
Sniffling, she looked up at him. Her vision blurry from tears, her mouth wobbling as she clutched at the fabric of his overalls.
They just stared at each other for a moment, until he broke the silence.
“…God, you’re ugly when you cry.”
…
…It was random, and it was rude, and it was absurd, and it was just so…
Jax.
Pomni snorted and then started to laugh. It caught her so off guard.
She took a small step back and wiped her eyes. Still giggling as she looked up at him again.
His grin was still there. Only now he looked very proud of himself.
They just smiled at each other for a moment… and then her smile fell when everything came back to her.
It wasn’t actually Jax.
“What exactly do you… know?” She asked gently. Not exactly wanting a replay of what happened to Gummigoo, if she lets it slip that he’s an NPC.
“What do you mean?” He looked genuinely confused by her question.
She thought about it for a second. How could she relay what she was implying without outright calling him a fake?
“Uh. Do you remember what… happened? Like… with the circus?” She treaded gently. Vague, but not too vague.
He looked amused. Entertained. He looked like Jax.
“If you’re trying to ask me if I know if I’m an NPC or not, then yeah. I know what I am.” He sat down on the edge of his bed. “I’m not gonna have a mental breakdown like your stupid gummy boyfriend.”
Pomni felt herself relax. She really didn’t wanna have to walk on eggshells.
“Well… that’s a relief.”
She sits next to him. A comfortable amount of space between them.
She wasn’t exactly sure what to do. What to say. There were so many questions she had for the real Jax, but she wasn’t sure this thing would be able to actually answer them.
Looking up at him, her heart did a tiny flip inside her chest.
“I don’t know how to talk to you.” She admits quietly.
“Just talk to me like you normally would.” He says. Like it was just that easy.
“But it’s not… really you. I mean, you’re not…” Pomni waved her hands through the air trying to find the right words.“Really Jax.”
He shrugged. “I know. But… I’m here. I’m talking to you now. Can that just be enough? Because if not, I don’t really know why you bothered to make me.”
He was right. That was the entire point, wasn’t it? To pretend it was him. To let that be enough.
Looking down at her hands, she suddenly felt shy. It was a really strange feeling. He felt like a stranger and simultaneously somebody she knew her entire life.
“…I miss you.”
The words felt heavy. But it also felt like a brick being lifted off of her chest.
“I’m right here, dumbass.” He said gently, nudging his elbow against her.
“It’s different. I mean, how much of him are you? Do you have everything? Circus memories and real life memories?”
He hums, thinking about it for a second.
“Yeah. Yeah, I have all of it. Every single file that was ever stored in this place is up here now.” He explains, tapping his head.
Pomni had a million questions, including ones from his real life. Questions about Leeroy. But she wouldn’t cross that line. She wouldn’t ask this version of him. That wasn’t right. None of it was, but that felt especially taboo.
“…Do you have the memories of the abstraction?” She asks softly.
He thinks for a moment. And then he shakes his head.
“Mmm… nah. After Caine disappears, it’s just blank. But I know I- or, uh. Real Jax… I know he abstracted. I have like… an implanted list of information from Caine. Text of what happened. But I don’t have the actual memory. Not that I want it.” He didn’t seem bothered at all. Like all of this was just… normal.
And to him it probably was. Because this is all he was. A replacement.
A therapy dog.
“…I really miss him. I really loved him.” She says softly, folding her hands in her lap and twiddling her thumbs. She felt exposed. Vulnerable. But she needed this. She needed to talk about it.
“Yeah. He loved you too.” He said it so nonchalantly.
…
Her face turned bright red and she stood up abruptly, looking at him like he was crazy.
“D-Don’t tell me that! What’s wrong with you!?” She exclaimed, her voice squeaky and upset.
Jax never said that to her. He never would have.
He smirked a bit wider, entertained by her reaction.
“Whaaaaat? I have all his memories! I know how he feels! It’s all in me now. Isn’t that what you wanted, ya sicko!?” He chuckled. “I mean come on, if you’re gonna go as far as making me, at least make the most of it!”
She felt horrified. Embarrassed. Guilty.
But he was right, wasn’t he? She was sick for doing this, and she had already gotten this far…
Why shouldn’t she make the most of it?
“Does that mean… you love me?”
She regretted the question the second it came out. Her face felt hot and uncomfortable.
He looked amused more than anything.
“Guess it does, considering I’m technically him… the difference is, he would never have admitted that.” He explained, shifting to lay down on the bed. His hands behind his head in a relaxed manner she had seen the real Jax do before.
It made her chest feel weird.
…She laid beside him, staring up at the ceiling.
She had grown used to this room. To the bed underneath her. The smell of the blanket and the color of the walls. But it was different now. Because she wasn’t alone anymore.
It had become a sad place. Somewhere she came to cry and cling to whatever she had left of him, but now? Now it felt like something entirely new.
It was strange, like lying next to a stranger wearing his skin. One that had just given her a love confession.
She rolled her head to the side so she could look at him.
He looked calm. It looked like he belonged there.
He was breathing. She could hear it–see it. She had been afraid it would look like a robot and just be eerily still, but no. It just looked like Jax.
“Can I ask you something?” He spoke suddenly, making her jump in surprise.
Blinking a couple times, she looked at the ceiling again.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.” She agreed, a little reluctant. What question could it possibly have for her?
“What exactly are you planning to get out of this? Because as far as I can tell, you guys weren’t even really friends towards the end.”
He was right, but it still hurt to hear.
Jax had been pushing her away. Creating distance and isolating himself. But she knew why.
He didn’t want another replay of what happened before. He didn’t want Pomni to end up like Ribbit.
“…I didn’t get what I wanted with him. He was too afraid to let us be what we were supposed to be.” She explained softly.
“And what do you think you were supposed to be?”
She hesitated for a moment.
“I… don’t know…” She admits.
Even undressed, the room felt too hot.
Her grip was tight on his ears. Holding onto them like some kind of handle bars as his face was buried between her legs.
She knew sex was possible ever since Caine came back. They had control over their avatars- Gangle and Zooble took advantage pretty much immediately. She knew she could get off whenever she wanted to. But she hadn’t actually tested it out until now.
Her back arched off of the sheets, desperately trying to get closer to the feeling of his tongue. They were both naked. She felt sweaty and her body felt hotter when she realized he was humping the sheets as he did this.
“O-Oh my God, this is so fucked up…” She whimpered out with a shaky moan.
The entire time she had been staring up at the ceiling, but when he pulled away and laughed, she looked down at him.
He looked beautiful down there. His head resting on her thigh, his smile as wide as ever. His eyes were calm and… satisfied? Proud?
“Think we already established that, PomPom.” He looked her in the eye as he pressed a rough kiss to her clit. She hissed, her leg twitching.
“Is this… is this how he would do it?”
“Hmmm… yeah. I think so.” One of his fingers, no longer in gloves, circled around her clit lazily. She bit her bottom lip, trying not to make a sound. “It’s how my brain is guiding me to do it, so… yeah. Anything I wanna do, he woulda wanted, too.”
His fingers slid down to her opening, two of them sliding inside. The slickness of it made a noise that embarrassed her.
With gentle movements, he curled his fingers upwards. His free hand supported his chin now as he watched her reactions.
“Lookit you… using me as some glorified sex toy. Didn’t think you were so fucked up, Pomni.” His voice was smooth and teasing. Confident and overwhelming.
It was meant to be sexy- but it genuinely made her feel like a monster.
Her skin felt wrong. Her brain felt wrong.
Suddenly everything felt wrong.
“I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry, you’re right, this is too far. I-I’m sick. I’m fucked up, I’m-“ She was starting to panic. Her breathing was shaky and terrified.
The real Jax would never forgive her for this.
The NPC’s smile fell. He looked concerned. Maybe even a little irritated. Frustrated?
He took his fingers out of her gently, climbing up to hover over her. Leaning on one elbow to keep himself from squishing her as she panted.
“Hey.” He cupped her face and made her look at him. “Use me. That’s the entire reason I’m here. This is what you would have had, so just have it now.”
“H-He would never forgive me for this!” She hiccupped out with a sob.
“That’s not true.” He said it so confidently. Like it was an absolute fact.
She sniffled softly, staring up at him.
“…How do you know?”
“Because I am him. And I would want you to have something, even if it wasn’t actually… me.” He let go of her chin, now just using both his hands to hold him up, but still looking her in the eye.
“But what if you’re wrong!? You’re an NPC- you’re not actually him! You’re just guessing…” She felt a bit defeated.
He wiped her tears away with his thumb.
“What if, what if, what if… it doesn’t matter. I’m the version you have. So I’m the version you should listen to.”
She thought about it, really thought about it.
He was what she had now. She couldn’t just go and ask the real Jax…
Well. She could.
But he couldn’t answer.
He was still in the aquarium with all of the other abstractions. She visited him sometimes back when it first happened. Talked to him, watched him swim around. It didn’t feel right- she didn’t like it.
He should be here. He should be himself.
Not a shell of anguish inside a tank.
“I don’t want him to hate me.” She admits quietly. Wiping the rest of her tears away.
“He won’t. He can’t.” Especially not now.
“He said he did. When he was abstracting…” She laughs weakly. Remembering the way he held her.
‘I hate you. Y'know that? You always have to go and complicate things…’
He rolled his eyes, now playing with one of the pompoms on the end of her hat. “Well, that’s not surprising. He always said shit he didn’t mean.”
She had to give that one to him. He definitely lied about his feelings a lot. Mainly to push people away from him.
“I really loved him.”
“He knew. He wanted you to give up on him, even though he loved you too.” He shrugged. “He was too stubborn to let anybody in.”
She laughs a little. He really was as stubborn as a bull.
“He was such an asshole.” She says it so fondly. “I’m still mad about the truck thing.”
He smiles wide. Smug and proud of himself.
“It was a great plan! You would’ve been a perfect bridge.” He sits up, stretching his arms over his head. “So... we still doing this? Or did I warm you up for nothing?”
She scoffed. “Wow. So eating me out is just a chore? Something to get me ready?”
“Absolutely not. I’d eat your pussy for hours if you let me. It’s an absolute tragedy that he died before getting to taste you. He thought about it a lot.”
She blinked, feeling her face turn red again.
She didn’t really expect that one.
“Oh… um. Yeah… yeah, I wanna do this.” She paused. “I don’t even know what to call you.”
“Just call me Jax. It’s fine. That’s who I am” He grinned, side-eyeing her through a half-open eye.
“…GOD this is all so confusing.” She rubbed her face in frustration.
When she pulled her hands away, he kissed her. She could taste herself on his mouth momentarily and when he pulled away, she licked her lips. Something about it sent a surge of electricity to her core.
“Only because you’re over thinking.” He spread his legs a bit, forcing hers to part more. “You wanted a copy of him, so just… let me be him.”
As he spoke, he lined himself up. His cock poked at her wet cunt, and Pomni never felt more terrified and turned on in her entire life.
His mouth found hers. Eager and sloppy as he moved deeper inside of her. Their tongues slid together as they became connected. It was dirty and overwhelming and it felt so fucking good. Her hands made their way to his shoulders, clinging to him as he bottomed out.
She gasped into his mouth when he pulled out for the first time before pushing back in. The pace he set was fast and clumsy. It scared her how human it seemed.
Their mouths separated, a string of saliva keeping them connected. When it broke, he licked the excess off of her chin.
She felt like she was going to explode.
His tongue kept going, moving down to her neck where he started to suck and bite at her flesh. His movements never faltered, staying steady and consistent. Heat was burning inside her stomach.
A whimper escaped her when he pulled away from her neck with suction. He just laughed. As if she wasn’t falling to pieces beneath him.
“You’re such a prick!” She cried out, her hands gripping onto his shoulders. Her toes were curling into the sheets below her.
He didn’t dignify her with a proper response.
He just bit her instead.
She cried out in shock and pain when his teeth sunk into her shoulder. After a moment, he pulled back and ran his tongue over it.
She stared at the bite mark in shock and alarm.
“What is wrong with you-!?” She tried to scold him, but it broke off into a moan when he changed positions.
He got up on his knees, dragging her legs up so they rested on either of his shoulders. They barely reached, considering how much shorter she was than him.
The pace was brutal. And it felt incredible.
“J-Jax, oh my GOD, Jax please-!” She rambled on and on, crying out his name along with other desperate words. She could barely think. Her fingers were digging into the sheets and her body was trying to meet his every thrust.
“That’s it, baby… just like that.” He was smiling at her in a way that seemed softer than usual. It made her heart flutter.
It made her pussy clench tighter around him.
“I-I can’t! I can’t, oh God… fuck!” She couldn’t stay still. Her hands constantly moved around now. He was hitting that spot inside of her that made her entire body tingle. “Jax, please!”
He laughed again, leaning down so her body was practically bent in half against him. His hands on either side of her head, holding himself up on the mattress so he could hit that angle even deeper.
She was drooling, and he licked it away again before kissing her.
“Want you to cum, baby. Cum on my cock.” He said after he pulled away from her lips. His face was flushed like hers. “I wanna feel you squeeze me.”
“I-I can’t…” She admitted shyly. She had never been able to orgasm from purely penetration, no matter how good it felt.
She wanted to. She wanted to do anything he asked of her.
He seemed to understand what she meant. One of his hands went down between their bodies and quickly found her clit. It was stiff and throbbing from already being on the edge.
A few rough circles of his thumb, and she was a goner.
She screamed his name as she came, her entire body stiffening from the pure intensity of it. He worked her through it- gentle rubbing until she was done.
She thought he would pull out as she came down from it, but no.
He doubled down. Chasing his own high.
She couldn’t speak. Couldn’t do anything but lay beneath him, trembling and whimpering. She was sensitive and boneless.
“God, you’re so pretty like this…” His voice was rough as he praised her, his free hand tracing her mouth. All she could do was stare at him in awe as he thumbed her bottom lip.
“J-Jax…” She whimpered his name again. His movements had started becoming less consistent. More desperate.
“Gonna cum inside. Gonna fill ya up… you want that, baby?”
“Yes.” She managed to squeak out softly. She wanted that so badly.
He crushed his mouth against hers again, moaning into it as he finished. His thrusts had stuttered, now just frantic little movements as he sprayed inside of her.
“H-Holy shit…” She moaned against his lips, whimpering as he pulled back.
They were both panting, staring at each other as they came down from their shared intimacy.
…She just fucked an NPC version of Jax. She really just slept with it.
“…I-I’m going to hell…” She whispered softly.
He laughed at that, pulling out slowly. They both hissed as her pussy clung to him before he escaped with a wet squelching sound.
“Think you’re already there, PomPom.”
For the first time in a long time, Pomni had felt okay enough to join everybody for breakfast.
Jax was still asleep, so she slipped out quietly after making sure the coast was clear. He looked so real. So peaceful. Breathing softly with his face buried in the pillow.
She knew what she did was wrong. But she felt so good that it was hard for her to feel guilty at that moment. Besides, the NPC said Jax would have wanted her to have something. So… it was fine.
It was fine.
Everybody was already at the table, except for Zooble. They had never been a morning person, so it was rare to see them at breakfast.
The conversation stopped as Pomni took a seat. Gangle and Kinger seemed relieved to see her. Meanwhile Ragatha looked… concerned?
“Uh… morning.” Pomni greeted them, taking a couple pancakes from the center. She didn’t bother with the syrup. They were always plenty sweet without it.
“Oh, good morning Pomni!” Kinger responded, cheerily. “How are you feeling?”
Honestly, Pomni felt like Kinger was the only person who understood her in all of this. She knew it was worse for him. He lost his wife. But it was comforting knowing that he knew how she felt, at least a little bit.
For a while, she was afraid she would go insane like he did. Part of her really thought he was the way that he was because of his loss.
“I’m fine. Feeling better, actually.” She admits, taking a bite.
“That’s great! We’re happy to see you. It’s… been a while.” Gangle says. Her happy mask was still holding strong and it showed.
Pomni gave her a smile.
During the meal, it was mainly Kinger rambling. About insects mostly, but he also retold the same story twice. Nobody minded.
Pomni couldn’t help but notice that Ragatha kept staring at her. She would look away whenever she was caught, but it was starting to make her feel anxious.
After everybody was finished eating and Kinger had finished his current story, they all parted ways as usual.
As Pomni started to depart, Ragatha caught up with her.
“P-Pomni, wait!” Ragatha said. Pomni paused so she could catch up. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
Pomni really wanted to say no. She wanted to go back to Jax’s room. She wanted to climb back into his arms in his bed. She wanted to feel his fur under her fingers again.
But she couldn’t just say no and come off as suspicious. She just told everyone she was feeling better.
“Yeah. Yeah, what’s up?” Pomni tried to seem casual, but it wasn’t easy to feel nonchalant when she was hiding something as big as she was from everybody.
Especially when she was so antsy to go and check on that secret.
“I know what you’ve been doing.”
Pomni felt her heart stop.
She felt frozen where she was standing. Her eyes widened as she stared up at Ragatha. She felt clammy and sweaty. Her breathing went shaky.
How could she possibly know?
Did Caine tell somebody after all? No, he wouldn’t do that… was Pomni not careful enough? Did Ragatha hear something? Did she hear them having sex?
But she hadn’t been anywhere near the hallway! Pomni had heard her leave! That didn’t make any sense!
Did Ragatha peek into Jax’s room last night?
Did she see Pomni curled up in Jax’s arms?
Pomni felt nauseous suddenly.
“Wh-what do you mean?” She could feel her hands shaking as she asked. She just hoped Ragatha couldn’t see it.
Ragatha’s face softened. Pity coming back.
“You’ve been sleeping in Jax’s room at night.”
…
That was it?
Pomni wanted to laugh at how terrified she had felt. All she could feel now was relief.
But still, she paused.
“How do you even know that?” She asked Ragatha, her heart rate finally going back to normal.
Ragatha rubbed the back of her neck and looked away before grabbing her left arm with her right hand. An anxious habit. Pomni raised an eyebrow.
“Well… I came to check on you the other night. I was really worried because I hadn’t seen you in a couple days. You didn’t answer when I knocked, so I peeked inside and you weren’t there. So… I put two and two together.” She explained, seeming ashamed of herself for going inside Pomni’s room without knowing. “That, and… I heard you crying inside Jax’s room.”
Something so small made Ragatha feel so guilty. And the irony was not lost on Pomni.
God, she really was sick for all of this.
“…Oh.” Pomni said plainly, not really sure how to respond to that.
That part wasn’t something she was ashamed of. That was a normal part of grief. Maybe it was a little embarrassing, but it wasn’t morally wrong.
“I just don’t want you to feel like you have to lie to us. We’re family.” Ragatha explained further, looking at Pomni again. “We wanna be there for you when you’re not okay. You don’t have to pretend that you’re fine.”
The support she got from everybody in the circus was always genuine. Always available. And yet Pomni instead decided to have sex with a fake version of her dead friend.
If they knew, they would never look at her the same way ever again.
And she wouldn’t blame them.
She felt like the scum of the circus. She didn’t really deserve to be looked at like that. With such empathy and compassion. Affection and genuine concern.
She deserved to feel guilty. Deserved to feel like she was disgusting.
And at this point, the only person she could talk to about all of this was…
Him.
“I’m fine. Really, I’m... “I’m good, Ragatha. I’m feeling better lately.” Pomni insisted, forcing a soft smile onto her face.
Ragatha stared at her for a few moments, as if she was waiting for Pomni to break down… but when that didn’t happen, she sighed.
“I’m glad. I really just want you to be okay.” Ragatha sounded so sincere. It made Pomni’s throat feel tight.
“Thanks, Ragatha.”
Ragatha gave her a genuine smile, then she let go of her arm and straightened herself out.
“I was gonna go visit the aquarium and check on everyone- if you wanted to join me?” Ragatha offered, her expression hopeful.
Pomni wanted to say yes. But the thought of facing Jax in that form when the fake version of him was in his bedroom made her feel like she was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
“Thanks for asking. I’m doing better, but not really well enough to face him yet. I need some more time.” She explained gently.
Ragatha nodded in understanding. It was a reasonable excuse, even if it wasn’t entirely true.
“I understand. Are you gonna be around later, for today’s adventure?”
Pomni really wanted to say yes so she could get Ragatha off of her back. But she also didn’t want to lie.
“Maybe. If I feel up to it, I’ll be there.” Pomni smiled as she spoke, but she was getting anxious. Antsy. “If I don’t show up, I probably just went to sleep.”
Pomni desperately wanted to go check on him. What did he even do when he was all alone? Was he still asleep? Was he upset she wasn’t there?
Ragatha nods again.
“Okay. Well, I’ll see ya later.” Ragatha patted her on the shoulder before leaving, undoubtedly to go check on the abstractions. She did it daily. So did Kinger.
Pomni waved as Ragatha started to walk away.
She was such a good person. Always there for everybody no matter what. Would she still be there for Pomni if she knew what she had been up to?
Pomni didn’t want to think about that.
She turned around and went back to the hallway. She needed to see Jax.
“You really suck at this game.” Jax told her with a condescending grin.
They were sitting together at the table in his room, cards out in front of them. A simple game of ‘Go Fish’ to pass the time. He looked so large sitting in the pink chair. Way too tall for how tiny it was.
Her head just wasn’t in it today. She felt out of it. Overthinking and exhausted. She wasn’t naive- she knew she couldn’t actually hide this forever. Eventually somebody would catch her, and it would probably be Ragatha.
Pomni flinched when he snapped his fingers in front of her face. She stared up at him, snapping back to attention.
“What?” She asked, looking down at the cards in her hands.
“I said you suck at this game.” He repeated, crossing his arms as he stared down at her. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing. I’m just tired, I think.” She gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “You got any fives?”
He snorted and shook his head. “You asked that two turns ago. Still no.”
“Oh, right! Yeah, I did, shit…” She pulled another card and sighed.
Jax put his cards down, then took hers and put them down as well.
“Hey!” She protested.
“Forget the cards, you already ruined the game. Tell me what the hell is going on.” He sounded irritated.
Pomni huffed in frustration, leaning back in her chair. She glared at him. His smirk never wavered and it made her feel a mix of frustration and fondness.
“I had a run in with Ragatha. And I thought she knew about you.” She explained. “She said she ‘knows what I’ve been doing’. But she just meant that I was sleeping in your- no uh. His room.”
“I am him. It is my room.” He sounded almost annoyed.
“Yeah, but not really.” She argued.
“Y’know, you should really stop trying to break the illusion. Isn’t that the whole point? Let me be him!” He raised his voice, tensing up.
…It caught Pomni off guard.
He sounded genuinely angry. Almost… hurt?
It was kind of concerning. He knew he was an NPC, so why would that bother him?
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” She spoke gently, trying to calm him back down.
His shoulders relaxed as he took a deep breath. He groaned and rolled his head back before running his hands down his face.
“Fuck. No, it’s fine. I know you’re right.” He looked at her again, sighing quietly. “What are you so worried about anyway? That everybody else won’t approve? Why does it even matter? It’s not for them, it’s for you.”
“It’s still fucked up!” She exclaimed, standing up and moving to sit on his bed
“Aw, PomPom. It hurts that you’re so ashamed of me.” He pouted. It was obviously a joke, but it still irritated her.
He leaned all the way back so he could frown at her from his chair. She rolled her eyes.
“It’s not funny. They would never forgive me for what I’ve done.”
“All of it or just the sex part?” He asked, way too casually.
She sputtered for a moment, throwing his pillow at him. “A-All of it!”
He caught the pillow and laughed.
“Look, as much as I love being your dirty little secret, they’re gonna find out eventually.” He spoke so matter-of-factly that it caught her off guard. It was annoying how fast he could go from joking to being dead serious. “It would probably be better to just tell them rather than have them walk in on us.”
She stared at him. The way he was so casually leaning back in his chair, how calm he seemed.
It wasn’t fair. He got to feel completely relaxed while she felt like she was falling apart.
She didn’t speak for a while, so he continued.
“Look, it’s your call. I’m just saying you should think about it.” He started picking up the cards as he spoke.
“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” She half meant it, but she also just kind of just wanted him to shut up.
“Okay.” He dropped it easily, shuffling the cards. “Wanna play Speed?”