Work Text:
Lu Guang sits on the floor of the bathroom he shares with Cheng Xiaoshi, pressing a blade against his thigh. He swipes the blade across his leg carelessly, almost lazily, watching with detached eyes as his skin splits under his touch.
You deserve this, come the thoughts that he’s more than used to by now. You broke the rules. You failed to save him again. You ruined everything, it’s all your fault.
The thoughts wash over him like a sluggish tidal wave, flooding through his brain and trickling down to his every extremity. He finds himself drifting aimlessly in the tides, but it’s nothing he isn’t used to. Practically background noise at this point, yet as insistent as ever.
He feels distant as he watches the blood bead up in the cuts on his leg. He used to relish the pain, relish the sharpness of it, the way it refocused him within the relentless ocean of time.
He doesn’t remember how many lifetimes ago it stopped helping. He’s been drowning for too long.
Now, it’s more habit than anything else that brings him to tear himself apart. Self-hatred has settled deep into his bones as a permanent resident, and it’s all too easy to answer the clamor in his mind for punishment.
A trickle of blood slowly drips down his leg, and Lu Guang does nothing but watch as a single drop falls to the rug below, staining the white fabric a brilliant red.
He should be more careful, he knows he should. He used to be, back when this first started, around jump eight or so. Back then, he had been more present, more in control– even if it hadn’t felt like it at the time.
It hadn’t started like this, reliving years at a time. No, in his desperation to prevent Cheng Xiaoshi’s death, he had gone back an hour, then two, then a whole day– but he quickly learned that last minute adjustments weren’t enough to derail the inevitable.
On the eighth attempt, he had gone back a month.
He told himself that it wasn’t to avoid the sight of Cheng Xiaoshi’s empty eyes for the ninth time in the course of mere days. He just… needed more time to plan, to think it through. That was all.
He still remembers popping back into his body and nearly bursting into tears at the sight of Cheng Xiaoshi alive and well, and fully unaware of his impending death. He had just barely managed to school his expression in time, thankfully not giving anything away.
But that night, Lu Guang couldn’t sleep.
Every time he tried to close his eyes, he would see red. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise, Cheng Xiaoshi’s blood stained his hands.
He had to get it off.
He quickly clambered down from his bunk, and for a moment, he stood by Cheng Xiaoshi’s bed, just watching him. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust in the dark, and his chest clenched painfully– he couldn’t breathe.
But then, he saw it. Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest was breathing in and out steadily. As if given permission, Lu Guang’s chest followed.
Still, it wasn’t enough. After one more long look, Lu Guang turned away, stepping silently into their bathroom. He didn’t dare turn the light on– couldn’t risk waking Cheng Xiaoshi, even if he was a heavy sleeper.
Instead, he quickly turned the water on, thrusting his hands under the stream. He needed to wash it off, remove the blood contaminating him. He scrubbed at his hands over and over again, even as the water reached near-burning temperatures. That didn’t matter, all that mattered was getting rid of the blood.
But no matter how hard he tried, he could still see red.
It wasn’t enough– in the murky darkness, every shadow became a pool of blood, every imagined movement in the corner of his eye became an enemy, every sound became the click of a gun being cocked.
He knew, suddenly, that he was too late. Cheng Xiaoshi was dead again, and it was his fault, he had failed him again, and now his hands were once again stained with his blood.
Your fault your fault your fault–
In his panic, he withdrew his hands from the sink and began to claw desperately at his own arms. The water wasn’t doing anything, but maybe– maybe if he tried hard enough, he could get it off.
Get it off get it off get it off–
He didn’t know where he was, when he was. He was lost, drowning in the vast ocean of time. He had never tried going back this far, had never intended to stay this long, either. He was going to ruin everything, or he already had, or he was somehow doing both at the same time and all he knew for sure was that it was definitely his fault.
You deserve this you deserve this you deserve this–
Lu Guang raked his nails forcefully across his skin, and pain erupted in his arms.
The pain acted as an instant anchor, dropping so suddenly that he was forcefully yanked out of the sweeping tide of time and back into the present moment.
He took in an unsteady breath.
Right. This was dive number eight. As of a few minutes ago, Cheng Xiaoshi wasn't dead.
At least, not yet.
Lu Guang blinked slowly, gradually cataloging his surroundings. He had somehow ended up slumped on the floor, his back against the wall. His arms were scratched raw and his hands stung irritably. Above him, the sink still flowed steadily.
There was something about the ache that grounded him, steadied him in the moment. Still, as he squinted at his arms in the darkness, he hissed out a short breath. He couldn’t do that again, or at least not where it would be so obvious. Cheng Xiaoshi would freak out if he saw those ugly scratches.
He hummed thoughtfully, already mentally picking out a dark blue sweater for tomorrow to hide the evidence.
That was… he doesn’t know how many dives ago, now. It’s hard to keep track when they all end the same way.
Eventually, he realized that even a month wouldn’t suffice. What he really needed was to go back to the beginning– back to Bridon. That was where the answers lay.
Since then, the timelines have started to blur. There’s uncertainty in his every move– no amount of meticulous notes can save him when he’s been submerged this long.
He often wishes that the scars he carves into his skin would stick, a visible reminder of where– or rather when– he's already been. Alas, every jump back provides him with a fresh start in more ways than one.
In this timeline, however, his skin is already far from the blank slate he started with.
He stares dully as he presses the blade into his leg once again. The line quickly fills with red, joining the steady stream already dripping down his thigh.
He really should be more careful.
But he’s starting to think that the butterfly effect is a sham– if small changes really could have a drastic impact on the world, then why does nothing he do have any effect on the one thing that matters most?
Why does every attempt lead to the same inevitable fate?
So Lu Guang can’t bring himself to panic when he hears the front door open downstairs. He doesn’t move as he hears Cheng Xiaoshi tromp up the stairs, calling his name. He doesn’t even check to see if he bothered to lock the door this time as Cheng Xiaoshi walks down the hallway towards him.
“Lu Guang?”
So what if Cheng Xiaoshi sees him like this? What difference will it really make in the grand scheme of things?
“Are you in there? I’m coming in, okay?”
The door knob turns. Lu Guang should move, should hide, should do anything to prevent this moment, but his limbs feel unimaginably heavy, like he’s been swimming for days. He can’t keep this up anymore.
The door opens, and Lu Guang turns his eyes up to see the moment Cheng Xiaoshi's widen in shock.
“Lu Guang?” he breathes, and for a moment, there is silence. Lu Guang feels his eyelids droop, too heavy to maintain eye contact. He really can’t do this anymore.
An instant later, the spell breaks.
“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi cries out, dropping to his knees in a panic. “What happened? Did you do this? Bandages, we need bandages!”
He lunges for the bathroom cupboard even as Lu Guang gives a noncommittal shake of his head.
“It’s fine,” he mumbles listlessly. “I’m fine.”
Cheng Xiaoshi ignores him, as expected. “Shit, don’t we have a first aid kit in here?” he curses as he rummages around.
They don’t. Cheng Xiaoshi has never had the foresight to get one, and it’s too early in this timeline for Lu Guang to have done the responsible thing and picked one up. It’s scheduled for a few weeks from now, if he recalls correctly– or maybe he should have done it already? Such small details are exhausting to keep track of, and it’s not as if he cares, anyway.
“It’s really… fine,” he sighs, in lieu of explaining all that. He doesn’t have the energy for it right now.
“No it’s not!” Cheng Xiaoshi stresses, on the verge of panic. “You’re– you’re bleeding!” He reaches for the roll of toilet paper, grabbing some and wadding it up to press against Lu Guang’s leg.
“It’s nothing,” Lu Guang dismisses. “Sorry, you… shouldn’t have seen this.”
It’s his only regret about this situation. He doesn’t care about the blood running down his thigh in the slightest, but this? Even if it’s only for one night, even if Cheng Xiaoshi forgets this by the next dive (because Lu Guang isn’t going to kid himself anymore– there will be another), the thought of bringing Cheng Xiaoshi any amount of pain is almost too much for Lu Guang to bear.
There’s something wrong about seeing the fear in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes and knowing that it’s all for him.
Lu Guang doesn’t deserve to be looked at like that, especially not by someone like Cheng Xiaoshi.
Cheng Xiaoshi stills. “What… what do you mean by that?”
Lu Guang doesn’t have the words to explain in a way that won’t make Cheng Xiaoshi more upset, so he just purses his lips and looks away. Better to say nothing at all.
Cheng Xiaoshi frowns at that, and Lu Guang can feel his gaze on him.
“Lu Guang… You know, if there’s something wrong, you can talk to me, right?”
Ha. The very idea is laughable. Even if Lu Guang could put any of this into words, he knows that Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t understand. Or worse, he would– and it would surely only lead him to hate Lu Guang.
After all, Lu Guang is nothing if not a hypocrite.
He would understand, of course. He wouldn’t mind if Cheng Xiaoshi hated him, as long as he got to live.
But really, he would rather avoid talking about it at all.
“Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi presses. “Please. I’m… I’m worried,” he says quietly.
It’s enough to make Lu Guang’s heart clench, and he hates himself a little more for it.
Stupid, this is why you shouldn’t have let him see. This is all your fault.
He can’t stay silent, but he can’t explain either.
He needs an excuse. Just something to get Cheng Xiaoshi to stop looking at him like that.
“I’m… tired,” he settles on, which isn’t a lie.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes soften, and he reaches out a hand to brush gently at the skin under Lu Guang’s eyes. Lu Guang tries not to flinch at the contact, but he does a bad job if the guilt on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face is anything to go by.
“I can tell,” he murmurs. He brushes his thumb across Lu Guang’s face again, as if he’s finally noticing the ever-deepening bags under his eyes. “Have you been sleeping?”
“Of course,” comes Lu Guang’s automatic response, but it’s a lie and they both know it. Not that he doesn’t try, of course, but the nightmares are relentless. He hasn’t slept a whole night through in what feels like years. With how many times he’s gone back, he’s sure it really has been years– though it’s impossible to keep track.
Cheng Xiaoshi frowns. “Lu Guang,” he says gently. “Please don’t lie to me.”
Lu Guang swallows hard. “I… I try to sleep,” he rectifies. “When I can.”
It’s closer to the truth, but Cheng Xiaoshi still doesn’t seem satisfied.
“What’s wrong? What’s stopping you?” he presses. “I know… I know you’ve always struggled with sleeping, but lately, you… It’s gotten worse, hasn’t it?”
Ah. So he had noticed, then.
The nightmares always get worse the closer they get to September. Lu Guang’s gotten good at hiding it– or at least, he thought he had. Perhaps Cheng Xiaoshi is more perceptive than Lu Guang gives him credit for.
“Is there something stressing you out?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks worriedly. “Sometimes when you wake up, your face, it–”
Slowly, tentatively, he brings his free hand and links his fingers with Lu Guang’s.
“You look so scared,” he says, his voice hushed. “Why is that? What’s haunting you?”
His hand squeezes Lu Guang’s, and Lu Guang feels his whole body shudder. In an instant, he swears he can feel blood on his hand that’s not his own, and for a moment, the eyes that are watching him so closely appear frighteningly dead.
You, he wants to cry. You are the ghost haunting me in every timeline.
But he can’t say that, can’t admit the truth.
He needs… something else. Another excuse, anything to soothe the worried furrow in Cheng Xiaoshi’s brow.
He’s not worth all this fuss, and he knows that, but he doesn’t know how to explain it to Cheng Xiaoshi. So instead he casts his mind out into the murky depths of his memories, looking for something that is, at the very least, believable.
He remembers, suddenly, the stinging pain of Cheng Xiaoshi’s fist against his face– a punch that he had more than deserved.
“I… I still feel bad,” he says finally, avoiding Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes. “About Chen Xiao and his mom. I should’ve told you.”
He doesn’t expect the excuse to be good enough to appease Cheng Xiaoshi, but when Cheng Xiaoshi frowns, it’s not in disbelief– rather, it’s confusion that crosses his face.
“Told me…? What are you talking about?”
Oh. He must be more out of it than he thought.
“Has that not happened yet?” he murmurs, more to himself than to Cheng Xiaoshi, but Cheng Xiaoshi hears him anyway, and his eyes instantly widen.
“Lu Guang,” he says, his voice terse. “What do you mean by that?”
Shit. “Can we not talk about this right now?” Lu Guang asks, and Cheng Xiaoshi opens his mouth to argue, but Lu Guang continues before he gets the chance. “I should probably take care of…”
He gestures vaguely at his leg, and Cheng Xiaoshi immediately stiffens, as if he’s forgotten that he still has a wad of toilet paper pressed against the open wounds on Lu Guang’s leg. “Yeah yeah, of course,” he says hastily. “Do you need– can I help?”
“No,” Lu Guang says flatly. “I know what to do. Just give me a minute.”
Cheng Xiaoshi visibly cringes, but nods. He doesn’t move, though, and Lu Guang gives him a pointed stare.
It takes a second of awkward silence, but eventually Cheng Xiaoshi seems to notice that something is amiss. “What?” he asks.
Lu Guang jerks his head toward the door. “A little privacy, please?”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes go wide. “And leave you alone? No way.”
Lu Guang feels his eye twitch. “I’m not a child. I don’t need babysitting. I can take care of this myself.”
“I know, but…” Cheng Xiaoshi nibbles worriedly at his lip. “You’re hurt.”
He sounds so sad, so plaintive, that Lu Guang knows it’s a lost cause. He lets out an annoyed sigh, but nods his head in resigned acquiescence anyway.
It’s under the watchful eye of Cheng Xiaoshi that Lu Guang methodically cleans and bandages his cuts. They don’t have a first aid kit, but Lu Guang does have a few things stashed away for moments like this because he’s not an idiot. The process is quick– Lu Guang is so practiced at this that he could do it with his eyes closed.
As soon as he’s done, Cheng Xiaoshi scrambles to his feet and holds a hand out to Lu Guang to help him up. Lu Guang rolls his eyes but takes it, huffing out an exasperated breath as Cheng Xiaoshi carefully pulls him up.
The annoyed furrow in his brow only deepens as Cheng Xiaoshi immediately flings Lu Guang’s arm over his shoulders, causing Lu Guang to lean on him heavily.
“Let’s get you to the couch– hey! What was that for!”
Cheng Xiaoshi gives Lu Guang a sad look as Lu Guang shoves him off roughly.
“I don’t need your help,” Lu Guang scoffs, crossing his arms in front of him.
“But you’re injured!”
“Not to the point that I can’t walk!”
“Okay, okay!” Cheng Xiaoshi says, holding his palms up in surrender, though he’s biting his lip anxiously. “Let’s just– couch?”
Lu Guang can feel Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes on him as they go downstairs, as if he’s afraid that Lu Guang is on the verge of collapse and he’s preparing to catch him at a moment’s notice. It would be sweet, maybe, if Lu Guang wasn’t so occupied worrying about what’s to come.
The care that Cheng Xiaoshi has for him– it has its limits. It has to. Lu Guang can’t imagine anyone seeing the worst of him and choosing to stay.
Not even Cheng Xiaoshi.
He’s dreading the moment Cheng Xiaoshi realizes just how badly Lu Guang has betrayed him.
They sit on the couch. Lu Guang curls up on one end, and Cheng Xiaoshi sits next to him. Close. Far too close.
Lu Guang doesn’t know what to do. He knows he can’t get out of explaining this, but he doesn’t know if he can. He’s not sure he will be able to stand the way Cheng Xiaoshi will look at him after this.
And as if Cheng Xiaoshi’s reaction isn’t worrying enough, what of the timeline? This has never happened before. What if this somehow makes things even worse?
It’s hard to imagine that this will help in any way. Unless…
Maybe, once Cheng Xiaoshi finds out the truth, it will be enough to make him hate Lu Guang. Maybe, this way, Cheng Xiaoshi won’t be so willing to throw himself into danger for Lu Guang’s sake.
It’s probably too much to hope for, but… Lu Guang wouldn’t mind if this was the answer.
No matter the result, this isn’t going to be easy. Lu Guang isn’t looking forward to Cheng Xiaoshi finding out how much of a hypocrite he is. He swallows hard.
Cheng Xiaoshi, who has been waiting patiently, suddenly frowns at the obvious nervousness in Lu Guang’s expression. “Lu Guang?”
“I’m sorry,” Lu Guang blurts. It needs to be said before anything else. “Just– just know that, okay? I’m really sorry.”
“Lu Guang–”
“And I understand if you hate me,” Lu Guang continues quickly, staring down at his hands fisted in his lap. “It would make sense. Really. I just. I couldn’t do it, okay? I couldn’t go on without you, it was too much–”
“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi shouts, and Lu Guang snaps his mouth shut. He glances over at Cheng Xiaoshi nervously.
Cheng Xiaoshi runs an exasperated hand down his face. “Slow down,” he says. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Lu Guang feels a lump in his throat. He thinks he’s going to be ill.
“You– you died.”
There’s a beat of silence.
“I– what?”
“You died,” Lu Guang says again, his voice a choked whisper. “I– I watched you die. And– the rules– I couldn’t. I couldn’t follow them, even though I know–”
Cheng Xiaoshi is staring at him now, his eyes wide. Lu Guang can only keep trying to explain, tripping over his words in his haste.
“And then it happened again and again and I– supposed to let go– How could I? You– you’re my–”
Pathetic excuses. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t need to hear that from him.
“And if you hate me, that’s fine! Because I’m a hypocrite, and I know that, and– if you hate– it’s fine because– because–”
Lu Guang is drowning, his lungs full of water, and he squeezes his eyes shut as he chokes out the rest.
“Because so do I–”
A pair of arms wrap tightly around him, and everything stops.
Cheng Xiaoshi hugs him, and it’s like his head bursting above water. He takes a deep breath, then immediately chokes on it, breaking into a painful sob.
Cheng Xiaoshi pats his back, rubbing comforting circles into his skin. “That’s it,” he murmurs. “Just breathe.”
Lu Guang tries, he really does, but it’s been so long. He’s forgotten what breathing feels like.
The feeling of Cheng Xiaoshi’s arms around him is a more effective anchor than pain has ever been. He still couldn't tell you which timeline he’s in, but that doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that he is with Cheng Xiaoshi, that he’s alive, that he can feel his warmth against his skin.
In this moment, at least, they are together.
The rush of relief that washes over Lu Guang is dizzying. His chest aches as he continues to cry, but it feels good, as if the water that has been filling his lungs is slowly draining out with each tear he cries.
Maybe by the time he’s done, he’ll remember how to breathe again.
“You’ve been carrying so much on your own,” he hears as his sobs slowly peter out into something less painful. “I’m so sorry.”
Lu Guang doesn’t understand. Why would Cheng Xiaoshi be apologizing to him?
“You’re not the one who should be saying that.”
Cheng Xiaoshi pulls back, a frown on his face, and Lu Guang immediately mourns the loss. Not that he says anything about it– god knows he doesn’t deserve this warmth anyway.
“Hey, why are you apologizing so much? I’m not mad.”
“You’re not?” Lu Guang asks, bewildered.
“No,” Cheng Xiaoshi confirms patiently. “I’m– well, I think I’m still just processing, mostly?” He chuckles softly, though the sound dies out quickly. “And… I’m worried,” he says quietly. “Really worried.”
Lu Guang blinks at him. “Why?” he asks, genuinely confused.
“Why?” Cheng Xiaoshi laughs again, but there’s a darker tone to it this time, and he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “I don’t know, maybe because my best friend just told me that he’s gone back in time multiple times to try and save my life and somehow thinks he has to apologize for it?”
“Well of course I have to apologize,” Lu Guang cuts in. “I broke the rules. I’m a hypocrite. And I couldn’t even…”
Lu Guang trails off, biting his lip. He’s too ashamed to admit it.
“Couldn’t even what?”
Cheng Xiaoshi looks at him so gently that Lu Guang has to look away, unable to stand how something so soft can burn so much.
“Couldn’t even save you.”
Couldn’t even make it worth it.
They fall into an uneasy silence. Maybe he should call this whole timeline a wash and start over– anything to avoid whatever Cheng Xiaoshi is about to say.
“Lu Guang–” Cheng Xiaoshi pauses as Lu Guang flinches at the sound of his name, tensing his body as if expecting a blow. Cheng Xiaoshi frowns, but after a moment of hesitation, he continues.
“I just want to know one thing,” he says, his voice unbearably soft. “Okay, that’s not true, I have a ton of questions, but just for now… Is that why I found you…” he trails off uncertainly, gesturing vaguely at Lu Guang’s leg. It takes Lu Guang a moment to get it.
“Oh, you mean…” The shame hits him hard and fast, followed quickly by exasperation. “That’s– that doesn’t matter! That’s not the point of any of this!”
“Of course it matters!” Cheng Xiaoshi snaps back immediately. “You were– you were bleeding, Lu Guang! And all those scars– Do you have any idea how I felt when I saw that? How scared I was?”
“So what if I was bleeding a little?” Lu Guang dismisses easily. “It helps me focus, and it’s not as if I don’t deserve it–”
“How can you say that?” Cheng Xiaoshi cries.
“I failed you! You should hate me!”
“You’re my best friend!” Cheng Xiaoshi argues. “Do you really think I could ever be happy seeing you like this?”
“These little scratches are nothing compared to watching you bleed out over and over again!”
“How many times?”
The question comes out sharp and biting, and Lu Guang’s mouth snaps shut in an instant. That’s… not a question he’d like to think about.
Lu Guang swallows hard as he considers his answer. His mouth opens, then closes again as he hesitates.
“And don’t give me that you-don’t-want-to-know bullshit, because I think I deserve to know!” Cheng Xiaoshi says with a fierce look, clearly frustrated by the lack of response.
“It’s… not that,” Lu Guang sighs, avoiding Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes– though he is sure that Cheng Xiaoshi really would be better off not knowing. “It’s just… I don’t remember.”
The truth is quiet, but impactful, and Cheng Xiaoshi’s face falls as the realization hits him. “You don’t… has it really been that many?” he asks, his voice uncharacteristically subdued.
“That, or travelling through time so much has turned my memory to shit,” Lu Guang says– a weak attempt at levity that doesn’t land.
Without another word, Cheng Xiaoshi wraps his arms around him again.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, what–”
“Don’t destroy yourself for me.”
The words are muffled, spoken into Lu Guang’s shoulder, but he hears them anyway.
He shouldn’t say it. He knows he shouldn’t, but the words are already rolling off his tongue without his permission.
“Don’t sacrifice yourself for me, and I won’t.”
Cheng Xiaoshi immediately pulls back, though he doesn’t go far. He grips Lu Guang’s shoulders tightly, giving Lu Guang a searching look.
“I did? You almost died?”
Lu Guang purses his lips, but nods slowly.
“Yeah, you did,” he sighs. “Idiot.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes go wide with what Lu Guang can only describe as absolute terror before he dives back in, pulling Lu Guang into an even tighter hug than before.
“I’m glad you’re alive,” he says. Lu Guang can feel just how fast his heart is pounding in his chest. Is the thought of Lu Guang’s death really that terrifying?
He hums noncommittally.
“I’d do it again,” Cheng Xiaoshi adds. “Save you, I mean.”
It’s not as comforting a statement as he thinks it is.
“I know,” Lu Guang says, his voice heavy with exhaustion.
That's the problem, he doesn't say. Please don’t, he doesn't say.
“Oh…” Cheng Xiaoshi says, but immediately trails off. What else is there to say?
After a long moment, Cheng Xiaoshi pulls back again.
“Okay,” he says. He stares off into the distance, clearly lost in thought. “Okay,” he says again. “This is all… kind of crazy.”
The comment is so unexpected that Lu Guang lets out a surprised snort of laughter. “That’s a bit of an understatement,” he comments dryly, and Cheng Xiaoshi shoots him a disgruntled look.
“It’s a lot to take in, you know?” he complains. “Sorry if I need a second to figure out what we should do!”
“What… we should do?”
“Well, yeah,” Cheng Xiaoshi says. “We gotta make a plan, obviously.”
Lu Guang blinks at him.
“You want to… make a plan?”
“Well, duh!” Cheng Xiaoshi repeats, just short of rolling his eyes. “We’re in this together, now. What did you think I was going to do, make you deal with all this by yourself?”
To be honest, Lu Guang had expected a lot worse– being left to his own devices would’ve been the best possible case in his mind. In fact, he had been fully prepared for the possibility that Cheng Xiaoshi would kick him out after finding out the truth. He can’t pretend that he wouldn’t deserve it.
To be offered assistance, instead… It’s an almost unbelievable turn of events.
“I… I don’t know,” Lu Guang evades, and Cheng Xiaoshi narrows his eyes at him.
“You better not be thinking anything stupid about how you don’t deserve my help or something,” he demands.
“It’s– it’s not that,” Lu Guang quickly denies, though that’s kind of true. “It’s just– I mean, I’ve been trying to figure this out for… a while. I don’t even know what else there is left to try.”
“That’s why I’m here to help, dumbass,” Cheng Xiaoshi says affectionately. “Put our two brains together, and we can figure anything out!”
He smiles, then, and there’s something so bright and hopeful about it that it makes Lu Guang’s heart ache. It reminds him of himself, a little– of the person he was before he had gunshots ringing in his ears and bloodstains in the corners of his eyes.
Lu Guang wonders if he ever smiled like that before he started drowning.
He finds it hard to believe, but it isn’t worth dwelling on. What matters now is protecting the smile that’s right in front of him, the smile that led him to take the dive in the first place.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s declaration is woefully naive, but there’s something inspiring about it anyway, and it makes Lu Guang want to believe in a world where that smile gets to exist.
Lu Guang feels just a bit of the weight he’s been carrying lift off of his shoulders as Cheng Xiaoshi willingly steps in to help. It’s not much, but it’s just enough to give him room to tease.
“Putting our two brains together just gives us my brain to work with,” he points out wryly, and Cheng Xiaoshi gasps in offense.
“Excuse me,” he huffs dramatically. “My brain is smart, too! Just you wait, I’m going to come up with the best plan you’ve ever seen! You will be blown away by the impeccable quality of my plan!”
“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Lu Guang says with a small smirk, and it feels as though they’ve fallen back into their normal banter– or it would, if not for the impending deadline weighing heavily over them.
“I’ll be sure to impress, then,” Cheng Xiaoshi says with a halfhearted smile. “It’s not like I want to die, you know,” he says, chuckling awkwardly. “And I don’t want…”
He pauses, something like discomfort crossing his face.
Lu Guang frowns. “What is it?”
“I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
In this moment, Cheng Xiaoshi looks smaller than Lu Guang has ever seen him, small in a way that he isn’t meant to be. Cheng Xiaoshi has always been bigger than life and brighter than the sun itself, and Lu Guang hates himself for being the one to tear him down.
Lu Guang thinks about explaining that his own wellbeing is unimportant, that he would gladly trade his life if it meant that Cheng Xiaoshi would live to see another day.
In the end, he looks away and says nothing at all.
“Hey, Lu Guang?”
“Yes?” Lu Guang replies softly, avoiding Cheng Xiaoshi’s searching eyes.
“We’ll make a plan, so it– I’m sure it won’t come to this. But if it doesn’t work, promise me–” Cheng Xiaoshi swallows hard. “Promise me that you won’t try again.”
Lu Guang feels his heart freeze in his chest as he snaps his head back to stare at Cheng Xiaoshi.
“I– what?”
“Promise me,” Cheng Xiaoshi repeats, something soft and a little bit sad in the way he meets Lu Guang’s eyes. “I don’t want– I don’t want to be the reason you’re suffering.”
“You’re not,” Lu Guang interjects harshly. “You’re not the problem, Cheng Xiaoshi, you’ve never been the problem.”
“Yes I am!” Cheng Xiaoshi argues back. “You hurt yourself because of me!”
“The problem is the people who keep taking you away from me!”
“But if I hadn’t left you, you wouldn’t be doing this!”
“That’s not your fault!”
“It isn’t yours either!”
“Yes it is!”
Cheng Xiaoshi snaps his mouth shut as he glares at Lu Guang, his lower lip wobbling and barely-held-back tears in his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is shaky, but firm.
“You deserve to get to move on, you know.”
The very idea is so foreign to Lu Guang that he pushes it away instinctively.
“I refuse to let the timeline continue if you’re not in it,” he says simply. It’s the truest thing he’s ever said.
Cheng Xiaoshi lets out a frustrated exhale. “Is there anything I can say to change your mind?”
“No,” Lu Guang responds immediately. He then winces as Cheng Xiaoshi’s face falls, clearly devastated. He takes a moment to pause, to really consider the options.
“Unless…”
Cheng Xiaoshi perks up, his eyes wide and hopeful. “Unless?”
Lu Guang wants to believe that if he works on a plan with Cheng Xiaoshi, they can avoid the fateful encounter that awaits them on September 13th. He doesn’t believe it, not really, but he knows that Cheng Xiaoshi does, and he wants to believe in him.
Still, if it does get to that point, just as it has in nearly every timeline before…
Lu Guang locks eyes with Cheng Xiaoshi.
“Will you promise not to take the bullet for me again?”
Silence.
Cheng Xiaoshi is still, as if he’s still processing what Lu Guang just said.
“That’s… that’s how it happens?”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice is much too small, and Lu Guang winces– maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned that just yet. Still, he nods slowly.
“I can explain more, if… if you want to know. But first… promise me. Please.”
Cheng Xiaoshi looks down, clearly thinking hard. There’s a tense set to his shoulders, but perhaps that’s not surprising– it’s not every day that you learn exactly how you die.
But if Cheng Xiaoshi makes this promise, then that doesn’t have to be the way it ends.
Finally, Cheng Xiaoshi looks up, a determined glint in his eye.
“Okay,” he says. “I promise.”
Lu Guang blinks.
“Wait, really?”
“Sure,” Cheng Xiaoshi says easily, as if this isn’t a matter of life and death. “Because we’re not going to let it get to that point, right? So I won’t need to, anyway.”
There’s something scared and maybe a little uncertain behind his grin, but he grins anyway, and it unlocks something in Lu Guang’s chest. He can’t pretend that he really believes that they can avoid Vein this time around, but at least he has a promise.
If nothing else, that lets him breathe a little easier.
“In that case… I promise I won’t go back again.”
The words feel strange coming out of his mouth, but Lu Guang forces himself to say them anyway. After all, as long as Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t sacrifice himself for him, then Lu Guang won’t need to go back to save him.
(If Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t sacrifice himself for him, then Lu Guang won’t really be able to go back anyway– he’ll be dead. He doesn’t find himself caring about that at all, though. At least in that case, it will all be over.)
“Really?” Cheng Xiaoshi says excitedly. “You mean it?”
Lu Guang swallows past his dread and does his best to smile.
“I… yes. I promise.”
Cheng Xiaoshi pumps a fist in the air. “Alright, then!” he cheers. “Let’s make a plan! Operation: No One Dies and Lu Guang Lives a Happy Life, commence!”
A flash of red. A loud bang. The smell of smoke.
Lu Guang dashes behind the counter, narrowly avoiding the bullet. It's not enough, not when Vein is rounding the corner after him.
Lu Guang finds himself looking down the barrel of a gun yet again, and all he can think is shoot faster.
His eyes shift to behind Vein, where he sees a dazed Cheng Xiaoshi stagger to his feet.
Faster, please, before–
Cheng Xiaoshi looks up, and their eyes meet. The look Cheng Xiaoshi gives him is soft, and a little bit sad.
Sorry, he mouths.
Lu Guang hears the click of the trigger being pulled at the exact same moment that Cheng Xiaoshi claps his hands.
“NOOOO!”
What happens next is… all too familiar.
Lu Guang heaves Cheng Xiaoshi into the dark room and slams the door shut behind them, quickly locking it. When he turns around, he is greeted with his worst nightmare, the same thing he sees every time he falls asleep.
“Cheng Xiaoshi!”
Lu Guang drops to his knees beside Cheng Xiaoshi’s fading form. “Please,” he begs, grabbing onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s bloodied hand. “I can’t do this again, please–”
“You… promised…” Cheng Xiaoshi chokes out, his eyes already hazy. “Don’t…”
“You broke your promise first!” Lu Guang shouts, tears welling up in his eyes. “You weren’t supposed to–”
“Couldn’t,” Cheng Xiaoshi coughs. “Couldn’t… watch you die.”
Lu Guang is near-blinded by his tears, so he can barely make out the apologetic smile that stretches across Cheng Xiaoshi’s face. It’s far too red– from the lighting or from the blood in his teeth, it’s hard to say.
“And how do you think I feel?!” Lu Guang retorts harshly. “Don’t you get it? I can’t keep going without you, I won’t!”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand is limp in his own.
“Lu… Guang…”
And just like that, it’s over. The light in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes dims, and Lu Guang knows that fate has claimed another victory.
He’s gone.
It’s been easier to breathe, lately, knowing that Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t hate him. Lu Guang has been holding onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s promise like a lifeline, and as a result, this timeline has been the kindest one he’s lived through in a very long time.
It only makes it hurt that more when it all comes crashing down again.
As Lu Guang stares at the pool of blood growing beneath Cheng Xiaoshi’s dead body, he can feel the familiar ache of his lungs filling up again. But this time, it’s not water that’s choking him– it’s blood. He’s been drowning for a very long time, but it’s never felt quite like this before.
This… is suffocating.
Lu Guang gasps for breath, but there’s no space in his lungs for air. For a split second, he even thinks he might be dying, but he’s not, is he? It’s never him that dies, no matter how badly he wishes it was.
He slumps over onto his side, curling his body around Cheng Xiaoshi’s head and holding him as close as he can. Cheng Xiaoshi’s blood is everywhere– seeping into his clothes and staining his white hair– and Lu Guang can’t help but breathe it in.
Lu Guang’s already feeling lightheaded and dizzy, and the sharp scent of iron isn’t doing him any favors. He squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his arms tighter around Cheng Xiaoshi’s still form.
He feels the sudden urge to pull out his old blade and slit his wrists, or his thighs, or to stab directly into his lungs and drain out all the blood that’s drowning him from the inside out. Maybe then, he’d be released from this never-ending nightmare of his own design. Maybe then, they could at least be together.
But before he can do anything, before he can even move, Cheng Xiaoshi’s plaintive voice flashes through his mind.
Don’t destroy yourself for me.
Lu Guang lets out a shuddering breath.
Right.
The world would probably be better off without someone as reckless and hypocritical as Lu Guang, but it needs more people like Cheng Xiaoshi. Cheng Xiaoshi is bright, and kind, and good, and Lu Guang isn’t allowed to give up until he’s saved him.
After that… It doesn't matter what happens to Lu Guang. But he’s already been selfish enough by twisting the timeline to meet his own desires. The only thing more selfish would be to give up now without making it count.
He has to save Cheng Xiaoshi. He does not deserve rest until then.
Slowly, painfully, Lu Guang staggers to his feet. He needs… the photo. He needs to go back.
He knows that this isn’t what Cheng Xiaoshi would want for him, but moving on is out of the question. Still… maybe there is a way for him to honor Cheng Xiaoshi’s wishes a little, even if it’s small in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t feel necessary to him, but he knows it mattered a lot to Cheng Xiaoshi.
Lu Guang sits down at his desk, photo in hand. He glances at his watch.
Perfect timing.
He claps his hands.
For the next three timelines, Lu Guang’s skin remains blank.