Work Text:
There’s something about being married (and many, many conversations with a therapist plus a good support system) that kind of allowed Shane to be unhinged. And Ilya is nothing but a doting husband who relishes and wholeheartedly supports Shane’s transition into a part-time menace (only part-time because he would like to keep his husband one hundred per cent boring, thank you very much).
However, the league is finding out how good they had it when Shane didn’t yet tap into this version of himself. Back when their only problem was Shane Hollander, on-ice terror.
Incident 1: Jurassic Park
MENACE ❌DO NOT TEXT WILLINGLY❌
nice pics from your recent photoshoot
i really like this one
[Attached: Screenshot of Scott enthusiastically and lopsidedly holding a cake with an alarming number of candles on it, resulting in what can be deemed as a fire hazard.]
what? they finally got enough candles for your bday?
Menace’s much better half
Ilya! Be nice.
You
What the fuck?
Did you just add me in a group chat with your husband so you can roast me?!
MENACE ❌DO NOT TEXT WILLINGLY❌
😯
you know what roast means?
You
Heard it from Kip’s younger cousin.
MENACE ❌DO NOT TEXT WILLINGLY❌
this makes sense yes
Menace’s much better half
Of course Hunter would know what roasting means!
He was there when this cooking method was invented.
Around 2 million years ago.
MENACE ❌DO NOT TEXT WILLINGLY❌
🤣🤣🤣
You
You changed Menace’s much better half to MENACE #2 ⚠️BEWARE⚠️
MENACE #2 ⚠️BEWARE⚠️
Hey! Why am I number 2? 😤
You
Fuck off, you two.
***********
Rozanov
Bennett, congrats on your engagement!
very tasteful ring
good job 👍
You
Uh, thanks?
I think.
Rozanov
omg
take the compliment pls
Hollander
Sorry about him!
And congrats on the engagement, Bennett!
You
Thank you!
Please expect an invite in the mail.
Hollander
😊
Rozanov
i was just saying how nice the ring looks
Hollander
Well, yes?
He probably picked out the rock where those diamonds will form…
1 billion years ago.
You
Okay so maybe don’t expect an invite anymore…
Incident 2: Are you really a good partner?
You
HELP
PLEASE
Barrett
Bergy wtf
It’s like seven in the morning…
You
Ok good
Someone’s awake
I may or may not have forgotten that my gf’s bday is today…
Barrett
Ugh
Well? Go cook her breakfast now
Dykstra
Jesus Christ, Bergy
What Barrett said
Then reserve a seat for a fancy restaurant
Use your MLH money
Hayes
Did you at least buy her gift?
You
Not yet!
She may or may not have also been hinting at this thing she wanted
Problem is that’s something to be ordered…………
Cap 🫡
damn
sucks to be you, Bergy
couldn’t be me
You
Cap?
😭😭😭
Hollander
I mean, Ilya’s right.
We hid our relationship for three years and still managed to actually celebrate birthdays properly.
🤷
[Hayes, Dysktra, Haas, LaPointe, Boyle, and Chouinard reacted with ☹️]
Cap 🫡
we were in super risky situationship for seven years before that and still remembered birthdays 🤷
[Hayes, Dysktra, Haas, LaPointe, Boyle, and Chouinard reacted with 😔]
Bood
Okay
No fair
When you two say it like that, it makes the whole thing sadder
Hollander
Well, I mean if two closeted players were able to…
Hayes
Hollzy rn
You
Ok ok
I get it!!!
I will beg on my knees for forgiveness
Hollander
Atta boy.
***********
You
FUCK
Is today the 11th?
Dykstra
Yes
You ok, Young?
You
It’s our anniversary
And I…
Haas
You
Ok tbf
So many things have happened recently
We won the Cup
I proposed
And we’re in the middle of wedding planning
Hollander
Ilya, when did we first meet?
Cap 🫡
December 26, 2008
Hollander
And when did we shoot that CCM commercial?
Cap 🫡
July 7, 2010
Bood
Why do I feel like that second question is code for something
Cap 🫡
😏
[everyone disliked this message]
Hollander
When did we have our ‘talk’?
Cap 🫡
January 29, 2017
Hollander
When did you call to tell me you’re going to the cottage?
Cap 🫡
June 11, 2017
Hayes
Is the cottage another code?
Cap 🫡
maybe
[everyone disliked this message]
Hollander
When did we first say I love you?
Cap 🫡
you are tricking me but
me: March 29, 2017
you: July 7, 2017
LaPointe
Damn
Cap said I love you first???
Dykstra
Man
I remember when I first said I love you to Caitlin
Bood
Same with Cassie
Chouinard
Oui, it was a lovely day for me and Selena
You
Ok fine
I get your point
I will, like Bergy two months ago, beg on my knees for forgiveness
Hollander
Good
Holmberg
I can feel Hollzy’s intense staring through the screen…
Hayes
Hollz rn
Incident 3: Somebody take their internet access away
Avery is seeing BTS in September! @ot72481
LMAO I KNOW Henry Larkins, 4th line winger for Utah (worst team for two seasons in a row), is not the one saying this shit right now.
[Attached: screenshot of Henry Larkins’ IG story. A box sticker containing the words “Bored! Ask me anything.” is on top of the shot. In the box is someone’s question “Thoughts on Hollander after playing against Ottawa last week?”. Below, you can see the top left of Larkins’ face. It was obviously taken at night and in his bedroom. His answer is in the middle, saying “Used to respect the guy but he fell off 🥴”]
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↳@CENsandCENsibility: ahahahahahahahahahahaaaa– good joke Larkin!
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↳@hollanovtruther4ever: fell off? THE Shane Hollander who is still in the top 10 scorers AND top 10 assists lists even though he’s in second line? THAT Shane Hollander? Who has FIVE Cups in total??? THE Shane Hollander who I just saw displayed ON THREE CONSECUTIVE BILLBOARDS DOWNTOWN all for luxury brands??? HE fell off???
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↳@OTTonTOP: Oh I’m sure Shane Hollander fell off
Shane’s Husband ✅@ilyarozanov
🚬🚬
[QT @hollanovtruther4ever: fell off? THE Shane Hollander who is still in the top 10 scorers AND top 10 assists lists even though he’s in second line…]
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↳@h.drover95: Ilya…
↳↳@ilyarozanov: Harris.
Shane Hollander ✅@shanehollanderhockeyplayer
Didn’t even score 15 points this season and I’m the one who fell off?
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↳@h.drover95: SHANE HOLLANDER!
↳↳@shanehollanderhockeyplayer: Harris Drover.
***********
Morgan Greaves ✅@morgan33
Listen, as someone who played the sport, the fact that Rozanov and Hollander are in love is definitely proof that they cheated on games against each other! Hollander felt like he had to give Rozanov the first cup and then Rozanov gave him the next one.
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↳ @ot72481: 🤨 ok and what about the other two that Hollander got for Montreal?
↳↳@morgan33: those ones we can admit Montreal won on their own. But come on! The first cups gotta be…
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↳ @OTTonTOP: with all due respect (none)
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↳ @shaneseighthab: grandpa could’ve just retired quietly
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↳ @shanehollanderdefender: you were NOT a top player during your time so just go back to obscurity oh my gooooooooddddddddd
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↳ @hollanovshooters:
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↳ @shanehollanderhockeyplayer: This you?
[Attached: Screenshots of several articles showing Greaves’ divorce proceedings from last year with the headlines having a common theme “He’s a serial cheater!: Emma Greaves attests on divorce documents”.]
↳↳ @boodram: Oh holy shit
↳↳ @LucaHaas:
↳↳ @hollanovtruther4ever: Mr Hollander oh my goood
↳↳ @mikesports: Killer on and off the ice. We love to see it.
↳↳ @h.drover95: SHANE!
↳↳↳@shanehollanderhockeyplayer: Harris.
Shane’s Husband ✅@ilyarozanov
[QT @shanehollanderhockeyplayer: This you?...]
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↳@h.drover95:
***********
CNN ✅@cnnnews
Embattled ex-MLH Commissioner Roger Crowell insists he had always upheld fairness and equality for all players during Day 1 of investigation proceedings into alleged league-wide corruption. Read more here: [link]
Scott Hunter ✅@ScottHunterOfficial
On behalf of the Hockey Is For Everyone Movement, we welcome the investigation on these allegations. May truth and justice prevail. Read the full statement here: [link]
MLH Players’ Association ✅ @MLHPA
The MLH Players’ Association welcomes this development and will fully cooperate with the investigating bodies. Justice and Fairness. Read the full statement here: [link]
Shane’s Husband ✅@ilyarozanov
mmmm idk bits and pieces of conversation with Crowell back in March 2021 are coming back to me…
↳@shanehollanderhockeyplayer: Here, let me remind you.
[Attached: ShaneandIlya_meeting with Crowell_March 2021.mp3]
↳↳ @pikey35: WHAT
↳↳ @WyattHayes:
↳↳ @mikesports: Again: Killer on and off the ice. We love to see it.
↳↳ @hollanovshooters: DAAAAAAAAAAAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
↳↳ @hollanovdefender: Shane “I choose him” Hollander 😭
↳↳ @fatima7: Did Hollanov just bury Crowell on a random Tuesday???
↳↳ @CENsandCENsibility: Oh if he wasn’t before, he is now: ROGER CROWELL FOUND DEAD IN MIAMI.
Harris Drover @h.drover95
That’s it. I’m giving up.
And honestly? The league should have just been more accepting and less problematic because now, not only does Hollanov have each for better or worse, the league is definitely getting the worst of this union. On and off the ice.