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Hitoshi ends the phone call with his agency with a sigh.
He doesn't want to be going on another undercover mission so soon—he just barely passed the psychological eval that put him on rotation for patrol again—but apparently there's nothing to be done about it.
The argument was, that since it's two week of prep time, they'll stick to the regular schedule anyway and Hitoshi didn't have the mental capacity to argue that, so he just agreed and nodded and asked for the files to be sent to him and that's that.
He barely made it out of the last undercover mission with his damn mind intact and now they are going to send him off again as soon as they legally can.
Joy.
"You good?" Katsuki asks from the other end of the couch, digging his toes into Hitoshi's thigh to get his attention and Hitoshi slinks down until he can drop his head on the backrest.
"Peachy," he listlessly replies, his mood now plummeting for a very different reason as he swivels his head around to look at Katsuki.
Who isn't even looking at him, because he's still reading his book as if he didn't even speak in the first place.
And Hitoshi's chest aches.
"What was that big sigh about then?" Katsuki mutters, his eyes still glued to his pages and for a moment, Hitoshi deliberates not even telling him because what does it matter.
It's not as if Katsuki cares, not really.
"They want me on another mission," Hitoshi finally says and now that, at least, gets him a short glance from Katsuki.
"Already?"
"Yeah," Hitoshi says with a shrug, but Katsuki's attention is already back on the book. "Starts in two weeks."
"I see," Katsuki replies and then they fall silent again and Hitoshi feels as if he can't breathe even though he already knew this.
He knows that Katsuki doesn't care, that he doesn't mind when Hitoshi has to leave for weeks on end, that it means nothing to him if Hitoshi is even there in the first place, but the pain of it all is getting worse with every time it's being thrown into Hitoshi's face anyway.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Katsuki's voice jerks him out of his thoughts and Hitoshi bites his tongue, so he doesn't say something stupid like 'I wish you would care' or 'Why don't I matter to you' or worse 'Do you even love me at all'.
He couldn't stand the answer he would get and even though he knows what Katsuki is going to reply, it would be so much worse to actually hear it out loud.
At least like this there are times where Hitoshi finds it in him to pretend, where he can pretend that he's more than a convenient fuck for Katsuki, where he can pretend that all of this means something so much more to him than it clearly does.
"'s nothing," Hitoshi mutters and forces his head back, stares off into nothing instead of straight at Katsuki, but now he can feel his gaze boring into the side of his head and for a moment he thinks Katsuki is going to speak.
For a moment, he thinks Katsuki is going to say something but in the end he doesn't.
Because he never does.
~*~*~
Hitoshi presses a kiss to Katsuki's temple as he untangles himself from the blankets. Katsuki's hand reaches out, tangles in his shirt for a brief moment, but before Hitoshi can even start to interpret something into it, the fingers uncurl and Katsuki hides his arm away under the blanket.
"I've gotta go," Hitoshi mumbles and Katsuki sleepily blinks up at him before he snuggles deeper into the pillow.
"Go kick some ass," he mutters back and for a moment, Hitoshi wants to rage and scream and sob because why does Katsuki not care?
Why is it so goddamn fucking easy for him to let Hitoshi go all the damn time? Why does he never ask him to stay?
It's a stupid impulse, because Hitoshi knows why—he doesn't matter, Katsuki doesn't love him, what they have doesn't matter—and so he pushes it all aside and locks it up and puts it away to look at it never but especially not in the next few weeks because thoughts like this are going to get him killed out in the field.
So instead of letting any of those feelings fill him up and drown him, he gets ready, puts on some clothes, takes his phone and keys—no wallet, because it's not as if he's going to need his government ID where he's going—and leaves without a look back.
They've been through this often enough that Katsuki knows to lock up behind him and so Hitoshi isn't worried about leaving him in his apartment at all.
Hitoshi has just gotten on the train to his agency when his phone rings.
For a moment, Hitoshi deliberates simply not answering, because if someone calls him at this godforsaken hour it can only spell trouble and he really doesn't need this hours before he goes into an undercover mission but when he pulls his phone out, he sees that it's actually his agency trying to reach him.
"Yes?" he answers with a sigh and to their credit, his handler doesn't waste a second.
"The mission is cancelled."
"What? Why?"
"Someone blew up the suspected hide-out of the organisation and everyone is understandably in disarray over that. If we send in a new face now things are going to go bad."
"Blew up? Do we know who?"
"No fucking clue," his handler bites out and some of the same frustration Hitoshi feels bleeds into their voice.
Two week prep time down the drain and now Hitoshi is expected to go back to his normal life as if he didn't mentally adapt a new identity already.
"Wonderful."
"We're keeping you off patrol for at least a week, too. Everyone's running around like headless chicken and we don't need you making contact with them now, it could ruin a potential new operation further down the line.”
"Even better," Hitoshi deadpans, and wonders what the fuck he's going to do with a week of free time, but it's not as if his handler cares about that, because they simply hang up on him.
Hitoshi lets out a deep sigh, exits the train on the next station and promptly gets on a train that's going to get him home again.
Home, where nothing will be waiting for him.
Home, where Katsuki will have long left.
Home, where Hitoshi could potentially hole himself up for at least a week without talking to anyone because everyone thinks he's on a mission.
The thought is mighty tempting in all honesty, even though he knows it's stupid since Aizawa will know about the cancelled mission sooner rather than later and will therefore hound his place if he doesn't call in the next twenty-four hours.
But—that does give Hitoshi twenty-four hours to wallow in his own stupid, self-inflicted misery and he intends to use it to the fullest.
Which is why he freezes when he steps into his apartment and finds it unlocked.
It's unusual, because Katsuki never forgets to lock up behind him and for a moment the adrenaline kicking in makes everything sharp and bright.
And then Hitoshi notices Katsuki's shoes in the genkan, realises that the light in the kitchen he left for Katsuki—because he keeps running into the table and he very loudly complaints about it—is still on and then he hears strange noises from the bedroom.
Strange enough that he creeps forward, careful to not make any noise at all and when he's in reach of the door he stops.
For a moment it almost sounds like someone breathing heavily and moaning and it lasts for long enough that Hitoshi's heart crashes straight through the floor because did Katsuki bring someone over to fuck in Hitoshi's bed before everything aligns itself again and Hitoshi realises that it's actually sobs what he's hearing.
Someone is crying their heart out in his bedroom, the sounds only barely muffled and context clues would suggest that it's Katsuki because who else could it be?
It makes so little sense though that Hitoshi pushes the door open without a sound and—yeah.
It's Katsuki alright, curled up on Hitoshi's side of the bed, his face pressed to his pillow and clearly having a good cry about something.
Panic floods Hitoshi, because what if someone died? What if Katsuki got a call that one of their friends died, or that something happened to his parents?
Hitoshi hasn't heard anything, but then again, people die of illnesses and freak accidents and those rarely make the news and despite what everyone says, Hitoshi is smart enough to realise that and to know that his only option to really know is to go in and comfort Katsuki and then ask.
So that's what Hitoshi does, though he makes sure to stay firmly in that hero headspace since he doesn't know how to handle this situation at all and if he pretends that this is a distressed civilian, maybe he'll be a better support.
"Kats, hey, Kats," Hitoshi mutters as he steps fully into the room, this time with deliberate noise so that Katsuki can hear him and Katsuki freezes on the bed, mid-sob, and Hitoshi makes it to the bedside where he perches awkwardly before Katsuki turns his head and blinks at him. "What's going on, angel? Did something happen?" Hitoshi asks, carefully pushing Katsuki's bangs out of his face and Katsuki jerks his head back.
Hitoshi freezes, hand uselessly hovering between them, before he takes it back and then retreats from the bed for good measure, too.
"Sorry," he mutters, stuffing his hands in his pockets and ducking his head, and he thinks he might not be very good at pretending that his chest isn't currently caving in on itself.
"I'm sorry, I just—wanted to comfort you," he mumbles even as he's very aware that Hitoshi is probably the last person Katsuki wants to be comforted by because they don't do emotions.
Not really, not where it matters and Hitoshi was stupid to forget that.
"I can—call someone for you, if you want," he awkwardly offers and watches how Katsuki sits up and wipes his face.
"You're here," he croaks out and Hitoshi shrugs.
"Mission got cancelled, so I have a lot of free time on my hands, suddenly." He doesn't offer to go, because this is his apartment after all, but he needs to say something. "What's going on? Did something happen? Did someone die?" he tries again, hoping that now that Katsuki is sitting up, he'll get more of an answer out of Katsuki, but he's only met with a blank stare.
"You left," is what finally makes it out of Katsuki's mouth, as if that is any explanation at all and Hitoshi frowns.
"Yeah? Sorry for not calling ahead and letting you know I'd be back," he tacks on and Katsuki's face falls even as his eyes well with tears again but a second later it's all wiped away by a look of pure rage and then he settles on something like concerned confusion.
Hitoshi has no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.
"You left," Katsuki says again as if that makes any sense at all, "that's why I was—" he trails off with an awkward nod towards the tear-soaked pillow and now it's on Hitoshi to be confused as hell.
"Why would you?" he blurts out because where does this even make sense, where Bakugou Katsuki cries into a pillow simply because Hitoshi left and it must be the wrong answer, because the rage is now firmly back on Katsuki's face.
"You're so incredibly goddamn stupid," he hisses out and gets up from the bed.
Hitoshi stumbles back to give him space, but also because he doesn't want to be in easy reach of those hands right about now but Katsuki only glares at him.
"I'm going to take a shower. If you're gone when I come back, you're dead," he says, promises more like and then grabs some clothes before he leaves Hitoshi standing there.
Katsuki slams the bathroom door rather loudly and Hitoshi lets out a shaky breath because he has no fucking clue what's going on anymore.
He didn't think his presence or absence thereof would matter much to Katsuki besides the fact that he can't get laid whenever when Hitoshi is gone on a mission, because he never says anything about it, never even so much as hints that he misses Hitoshi and so this leaves him at a complete loss.
Hitoshi is not quite stupid enough to leave though, because he trusts that Katsuki would make good on his promise and so he sinks onto the edge of the bed.
He remembers to inform Aizawa about the cancelled mission, so he gets his phone out and shoots off a quick 'Mission cancelled, I'm back home, no patrol for at least a week' before he adds a 'Did something happen? Someone got hurt or anything?' because if anyone knows then it's Aizawa.
'Enjoy your free time' Aizawa replies moments later and follows it up with a 'Why?'
'Found Katsuki crying, thought someone might have died' Hitoshi explains and then anxiously waits for the reply.
'Ah, I see,' Aizawa writes back as if it's a perfectly normal occurance to find Katsuki sobbing his heart out. 'Everyone's fine. You better call this evening, Hizashi will want the deeds,' he adds, thoroughly confusing the hell out of Hitoshi but before he can ask any more questions, the bathroom door flies open again.
Hitoshi doesn't even get a grace period to gather his thoughts—not that there's much to gather—before Katsuki already spits out an angry "Why wouldn't I?"
It leaves Hitoshi floundering, but Katsuki doesn't do anything except stare at him, his gaze unreadable, his arms crossed in front of his chest and he looks so done with this, with Hitoshi, that for a moment, it feels hard to breathe.
"Because you don't care," is what Hitoshi finally says when he manages to breathe past the lump in his throat and he steadily ignores the burning of his eyes.
Because Katsuki doesn't care. He doesn't, and Hitoshi knows that and it shouldn't matter except for how it does and now it also seems as if he might care and Hitoshi doesn't understand anything anymore.
"Says fucking who?" Katsuki shoots back, and even though Hitoshi can tell that he's still trying for angry, his eyes are wet again.
And all of a sudden, it's Hitoshi who's angry, because how dare Katsuki.
How dare he imply that he cares when it's so obvious that he doesn't and Hitoshi jumps up from the bed.
"You!" he snarls back. "You fucking say that every goddamn time you don't care. You don't care when I go out on patrol, you don't care when I have to go on undercover missions and you just. Don't. Care. About. Me. About any of this. So excuse me for being confused!"
"You—think I don't care about you," Katsuki weakly repeats and Hitoshi looks to the side.
"It's not as if you ever ask me to stay or to come back or anything," he mutters and he wonders if he can maybe talk his handler into sending him onto an international mission on short notice.
He thinks disappearing for a while would be good, right about now.
"Because you don't want me to," Katsuki tells him and Hitoshi is surprised to hear how devastated he sounds. "Because the one time I told you to be safe out there you nearly tore my throat out for suggesting that you're not good at your job and then you avoided me for several days! I might be a stubborn, pig-headed bitch but even I can understand when my care is clearly not wanted!"
Katsuki screams the last part, even as tears fall down his cheeks and Hitoshi is too surprised to find his voice, which clearly incites Katsuki into talking even more.
"I would love to ask you to stay, to be safe, to come back to me in one piece, to come back to me period, but I also damn well know that if I do that, I'm going to lose you quicker than even your goddamn work can take you from me and I don't want that! I'm terrified every time you go out there, but telling you that would ensure you don't come back at all! You're a goddamn good hero, and I'm so fucking thankful for it because that means your chances of coming back to me are higher but that doesn't change the fact that I'm scared out of my mind and that I miss you and that I want to be able to tell you any of this!"
"Kats," Hitoshi helplessly says as Katsuki scrubs the tears off his face.
"So yeah, whenever you go on an undercover mission I cry into your goddamn pillow, and whenever you go on patrol I sleep like shit out of worry but I would rather shoot myself than tell you that and have you blow up in my face again!"
Hitoshi moves before he can comprehend that he's even doing it and he gathers Katsuki up in his arms and crushes him to his chest.
"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry," Hitoshi mutters frantically into his hair, because he remembers that fight they had, where he accused Katsuki of not believing in him.
But it had been at the very start of all of this, at the start of them talking more regularly, when Hitoshi still believed that Katsuki looked down on him, that he didn't acknowledge him as a hero simply because he's not out in the spotlight and those things have changed.
Hitoshi knows that they have changed, and that it wasn't even the truth to begin with, he just never communicated that to Katsuki.
"I love you," Hitoshi says into Katsuki's hair. "I love you and I'm sorry, and I'm such an ass, I'm so sorry, I wouldn't blow up like that anymore, I know better now," he rambles and he feels his own tears fall when Katsuki raises his hands to clutch at him almost painfully.
"Just don't accuse me of not caring when it's you who wouldn't even allow me to," Katsuki shakily gives back and Hitoshi hugs him even harder.
"Okay, okay, angel, I'm sorry," he agrees and Hitoshi finally sees it.
He sees how Katsuki sidestepped work topics all the time, sees how he very deliberately didn't ask questions, how he sometimes opened his mouth only to close it again without saying anything at all, how he was trying to hard to not upset Hitoshi.
And it blew up into their faces anyway, because Hitoshi is an insecure idiot who can't use his words outside of work.
"I love you, too," Katsuki mutters and presses his face to Hitoshi's shoulder. "And I love the work you do, but it also scares me."
And Hitoshi gets it; he has been a nervous wreck in front of the TV more than once already, watching Bakugou fight for his life and it scared him, too.
It scared him because he loves Katsuki and he doesn't know what he's going to do should he ever not make it back to him.
And clearly, it's the same for Katsuki.
"Can we go back to bed now?" Katsuki finally mutters, sounding more tired than Hitoshi has ever heard him and Hitoshi simply picks him up and manhandles him into bed, without listening to Katsuki's token protests.
He slides under the blankets with him, clothes be damned, and he immediately pulls Katsuki close again, tucks him safe and sound into his chest, under his chin, and when Katsuki clutches at his shirt, Hitoshi remembers the fleeting moment hours earlier.
"You wanted to keep on, before. When you reached out for me."
"Would have dragged you back into bed if I knew I could have gotten away with it, but—I didn't," Katsuki agrees and Hitoshi remembers the way he tucked his arm close, had to put the blanket over it, too, and he hides his tears in Katsuki's hair once more.
"I'm such an idiot."
"You're an insecure idiot," Katsuki corrects him and Hitoshi would love to argue, would love to be offended but—
He's right.
Katsuki is right.
"Sorry."
"Don't, just—for someone who has to rely on his voice to do your job you're so fucking bad at talking," Katsuki replies and moves away to look at Hitoshi. "We both need to get better that that."
"Move in with me," Hitoshi blurts out and watches how Katsuki rolls his eyes.
"Yes, obviously, but like. In general. About feelings and stuff. We have to talk more."
It's a terrifying prospect, if Hitoshi is being honest, but he sees that how it was going is not good either, so he nods and peppers Katsuki's forehead with kisses.
"Okay, but—moving in?" he asks between kisses because he's not going to let that go and Katsuki tangles their legs together.
"Shut up. Yes. But we're going to talk about that after we nap." Katsuki very visibly hesitates before he adds "And I'm glad your mission got cancelled."
Hitoshi can't help the knee-jerk reaction of being angry, of being hurt that Katsuki thinks he's not capable, but then he takes a breath and Hitoshi hears what Katsuki really means.
I'm glad you're safe. I'm glad you're here with me.
And that doesn't seem so bad at all.