Chapter Text
Rin Itoshi, world-class football prodigy. Representing Japan as Blue Lock’s center forward striker. A devastating opponent whose ego was as monstrous as his talent. All those who had faced him brought out 110% of their potential just so he could pulverize and destroy it at their strongest. A frightening and twisted ego.
His talents and his capabilities were irrefutable. Until it was completely flipped on him, jeopardizing the match against a powerhouse in the world of football, France. The very club team nationality he was in for the Neo-Egoist League (NEL).
A ruined shot from his ruined ego, resulting in the ball shot landing on the metal goal post instead. A loud “THUNK!” sounded out, like a bell signifying its heavy consequences.
It rings out in his head, like the only thing his brain could loop back was the accursed sound of doom. Like an alarm clock.
It rings piercing and unrelenting especially in the locker rooms when their coach, Ego, had dropped his announcement of the next cattle for the chopping block.
“But I won't drop you, Isagi.”
“The one who will be taken out is Rin.”
"THUNK!"
“Rin Itoshi.”
"THUNK!"
Rin Itoshi, world-class football prodigy. Representing Japan as Blue Lock’s center forward striker. Has been benched for the next match against England.
—---------------------------
Emotions he had kept tightly on a leash threatened to snap right then and there. Fury and anger like venom. Devastation and hatred like the bitter snow. How laughable, everything he did to escape that snowy night for 2 years. And it seemed he hadn't moved a damn inch.
His control over himself was akin to the lid of a boiling pot of overflowing water. It boiled angrily and he let it rip open from his ribs. The anger and injustice came out his tongue, panicked excuses and horrible accusations flung out first. Then, the sorrow and despair leaked out like a broken tea cup. He fought and he wept and he fought again.
Blurring and snow balling together into the very essence of anguish of a broken boy that hung everything on football.
The very thing he has left. Taken so cruelly, so easily and all so final at that. He felt everything yet he felt nothing. Like someone had gouged out his insides and he can't do anything but let it happen. It makes him want to puke.
“Get lost, Rin.”
Three words come back to haunt him like the echoes of a vengeful spirit.
“Don't use me as your reason to play soccer, it's so lukewarm it makes me want to puke.”
But what else is there? What more is there? How much more is he expected to give? He screamed for answers and maybe relief until his throat burnt on fire.
His only answer was a sedation needle from the infirmary.
Perhaps he fought, perhaps he lost (again). But he peels his eyes awake regretfully. Truthfully he wished he didn't wake at all, he had already died then, why couldn't his body follow too?
Crust of his unsoaked tears clumped into his long lashes. He doesn't know how many days have passed. Teammates trickle in every now and then, giving tepid comforts. They tell him it's not over, but it feels like it. They tell him to not give up, but he already did. They all blur together into a mix of an amalgamation of his failures. An ugly monster of everything Rin wanted and everything he hated.
It makes him want to die.
In his days of being monitored disguised as concern, Rin could only feel himself drifting further. Like someone had let go of him, and he could only drift upwards to the sky like a helium balloon until eventually he pops. He watches footage of the team training. With the ball, the ball that used to be everything. And it sends a cruel dull blade of envy twisting in his guts.
He rushes to the bathroom and empties his dinner. The sour of his stomach acid lingers in his tongue. Disgusting.
His ears are ringing again and his eyes are back in that match again. He would see that shining homing ball twisting and spinning. Hitting the metal bar with its full violent force of Rin’s soul. It bounces off, mocking his very essence. Rolling down, down, down.
“Then quit.”
He wrenches his head down on the sink. Submerged in cool water that doesn't seem to cool his hatred towards himself. Rin's teal ocean blue eyes which once held the shimmers and reflection of the sea itself seemed to have dulled into the murky waters of a rainsoaked alleyway. It reminds him of another set of eyes that disgusts him as much as he yearns for it.
He hates it, he hates himself, he hates Isagi, he hates football, he hates Sae, he hates and he hates and he-
The door to his room swings wide open like the lock and the do not disturb sign was mere decoration. In strolls Ego Jinpaichi and Anri Teieri.
Rin begrudgingly comes out of the bathroom. Eyes puffy from angry unshed tears contrasted with the deep purple eye bags blooming underneath. His lips are dry and peeling and his bangs are oily and clumped together. His usual jade colored eyes that burnt with an ice cold determination was nowhere to be found. Just like the lifeless eyes of a dead fish out of the waters. A physical manifestation of his patheticness.
He glances at the duo, he couldn't muster any energy to shoot them a withering glare. Rin merely sat down on an arm chair waiting. For the worst, for the harsh reality. Waiting to be abandoned once again.
Blue Lock's Rin Itoshi has withered into nothing but a mentally unstable and depressed 16 year old boy. It won't be long before they kick him out for his pathetic behavior. The only thing he can do is chase after the ghost of his brother. The one who had made him feel so happy and the one who had unmade him into a worthless pile of aimless football. Maybe it was time to end this pointless charade of push and pull. Not when his palms are rugged and bleeding from pulling for something that wasn't even there.
“My sharpest diamond in the rough, it seems that you are in need of refinement.” Ego announced like he didn't witness Rin trying to drown himself in a sink.
“Rin… Due to your recent behaviors, we've decided to enforce some well needed guidance.” Anri elaborated, trying to smooth out the edges that is Ego Jinpaichi.
Rin merely looked at their feet, head dipped low. He didn't have the energy to map out a response so he didn't. Blue Lock had finally seen him break and shatter like porcelain, his bandaged knuckles and the few stitches were proof. And it seems they're finally cutting the rotten rope.
“We're putting you on break for Blue Lock for now. And we've arranged a therapist for your psyche and a muscle trainer to keep you in shape” Anri explained, each word was like shoving a choke full of salt into Rin’s bleeding wounds.
Rin didn't respond, only feeling the gravitational pull of wanting to sink into the rug and disappear grow. He simply wallows being forsaken in his head. Break? Therapist? Muscle trainer? It all makes him want to puke his organs out and die.
Why waste resources and people's time on a lost cause?
Ego and Anri didn't wait. The pink haired woman had a clasp over Rin and immediately hauled him over her shoulder like cargo.
Rin spluttered, both at Anri’s mysterious strength and the forcefulness of his treatment. He couldn't fight back, not against Anri anyways.
The first thing he got for his so called “break”, was a straight body haul to a damn therapist. A brunette with red rimmed glasses sitting in a soft couch mirroring him calmly assessed him.
More like dissecting him piece by piece like a lump of fresh meat.
“You're mentally unstable, especially without football”
No, that's just his ego.
“Your fear of abandonment has warped your view on life or football in general badly.”
Well guess who's shitty brother did that.
“Rin, you're only 16. You keep going with this mentality and you'll kill yourself one day.”
…There goes his plans.
“I want you to find something other than soccer, a hobby or an activity. You don't have to enjoy it, but just make it a routine and document it for me okay?”
So he should go get a life and stop being a loser basically.
Rin didn't respond, merely listening to the therapist list off flaws and flaws after another about him. Nothing new, it wasn't like he's stupid, he knew that there was something wrong with him at the ripe age of 4 already.
And by the end of the day, he was saddled with a bunch of useless chores and a bag of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. He idly contemplates popping all of them in one go for a quick overdose suicide. It didn't matter anymore anyways.
But his half baked plans were immediately set on fire by a very annoying buzzing bee, an ugly sprout and Hiori Yo.
They watched him like a hawk, occasionally annoying the shit out of him or just staying in silence with Rin. He couldn't mope around all depressed and wallow in self pity in peace. Damn you can't have shit in Blue Lock anymore.
After the fourth day of being stared at by big unsettling blue eyes, a preaching about the beauty and joy of soccer and a yap fest of pointless things, Rin had enough.
“Get out of my room, you rag-tag group of lukewarms! It's not like I'm going to off myself if one of you doesn't watch me like a toddler!”
Rin snapped out, but it lacked its usual bite, filled with an underlying tone of exhaustion.
“Rin-chan, don't be so mean! We're looking out for you!” Bob-cut immediate response.
“Making sure you don't skip Dr Yuzuha's session.” Added ugly sprouts.
“And makin’ sure yer takin’ yer meds properly.”
Added Hiori.
“Also making sure you don't get too into your head, Rin-san!” Added Nanase, wait when did he even get here.
“Rinrin gotta get back your fire! You're looking real ugly these days~” The antennae freak no one invited added.
“I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!!”
In the end of very incessant and annoying teammates, Rin has reluctantly gone to devote his dedication to the path of his healing break. Though he'd rather die than admit that their constant presence did help. But also maybe because he had finally calmed down from his self assured doom. He'd make it for the next match damn it.
The therapy sessions since had gone off without a hitch. Although Rin was reluctant and dreadful each time pushing the glass door with the sign “Dr Yuzuha, Specialized Teenage Psychologist Expert” open.
He had tried, truly tried. If lukewarm activities like reading trash web comics or getting into fights over online discourse was “healing” for him then he'll gladly swallow the bitter pill for the sake of football. Even if seeing his teammates train vigorously for the match up against England while he's stuck trying to strike up conversations lasting more than 5 minutes with the aunties at the park makes him want to bash his head in and die.
It's okay, Rin is totally fine. He still trains his body with discipline with the dedicated muscle trainer who he suspects is in a group chat with the rag-tag lukewarms.
“Rin-kun, your friends have been asking about texting them back!”
“Hell, no. Tell them we're not friends and to drop dead.”
Totally he's fine. He totally did not start overreacting and yelling at a lady for littering when he had to see Blue Lock play against England that day. Totally. Without him. And won. Rin definitely isn't sensitive about that. Hell he even lasted 5 whole minutes of conversation with the poodle. That had to count as socializing.
Totally didn't wallow in misery and self worth issues with Dr Yuzuha for 6 hours.
But his therapist has been saying that he's been improving in stride. Which he takes in with the confidence of a national football prodigy. Their attempts at “broadening his horizons” and “living life without an annoying bee buzzing in your ear about football” have improved significantly. And maybe Rin could actually start feeling like football isn't everything and trashy reverse harem parodies of Blue Lock is everything.
Rin could even go back to Blue Lock, stare at Isagi Yoichi’s gross face after winning 2-1 against England without popping a vein. Probably.
A whole damn world cup match is gone without Rin Itoshi. And he doesn't feel like jumping off a building from his crippling self worth issues without football. The sheer improvement is enough to almost make Dr Yuzuha’s mouth curve into a ghost of a smile.
He had never seen that lady strike more than 3 expressions of the same variation of a resting bitch face. Something he strives to emulate.
Rin Itoshi is a world-class striker. But he also likes trashy reverse harem mangas and soap operas. Along with cheap horror films with budgets so low you could tell the blood was jam. Rin is just Rin. Even without football.
And it took way too many mistakes, rage and despair to finally find it. An answer so simple like liking owls yet it couldn't have been revealed earlier. But it doesn't change anything, he'll still be destroying opponents on the field.
He's taken up studying during his break since, another suggestion from his therapist. Cut short by Ego (ugly four-eyes) to unbench him against Spain. The team that perhaps kick-started his life torments. The origin of losing the Nii-chan that he loved and the ruin of their shared dream over the shine of their golden trophy.
Not to mention that rainbow haired freak Luna who harassed Rin during Team White vs Top 5 is there. If Ego didn't let him in during this match he would've jumped him with an odachi.
Now he'll be back training with Sae against Spain, and doesn't that stir up brotherly angst worth 3 Indian soap operas. But Rin safely has, quote, “way less teenage emo angst.” Has been doing his own thinking, thoughts centered about him and his brother. And that trip back from Spain that ripped their bond into threads of messy tangled ribbons.
A mess he has been trying to untangle for 2 whole years. With a distant and unresponsive brother who probably couldn't care less if he tripped on a pole and died in a hole.
(Dr Yuzuha’s voice suddenly comes to mind. “Don't make assumptions based on your feelings, especially the negative ones, Rin.”)
Well, with a distant and unresponsive brother. Rin had thought that the only way they could fix this was through where it all started. Football. And looking at his brother's gaze fixed and presence there for Spain, it seems that they were having the same idea.
But maybe in their own silent yoga stretches, they don't need their shared dreams and broken promises reforged into vengeance. They can just be there. Even if they don't have double stick popsicles and a walk back home.
Rin looks at Sae, really looks at his brother for the first time since the U-20 match. And he sees a man who would die for the sport. His eyes burn with a icy cold fury all too familiar to Rin. In those teal colored eyes that they share, he acknowledges that this was what the Sae back then had wanted to cultivate in him. For the better or for the worst either way.
Albeit in the worst and cruelest possible ways that the most socially stunted way his brother could do. The bitter feelings of utter despair still lingers and festers like a rotten wound, something not even the world's best psychologist could fix. Oh if only it was that easy, he would've won 10 world cups and maybe have normal family dinners already. Although the nightmares have been getting less, his brother's presence still stirs an unsettling feeling in his muscles. The hurt never truly went away, perhaps ever.
Fine. Rin decides he'll “talk it out”. Seeing his brother leave in the training room without any acknowledgement leaves the all too familiar bitterness bubbling inside. And with it a new found determination as well. He'll make sure that both of them will be on the same page no matter what.
-------
He lies in bed, opening up Episode Finale #1099 of the trashy reverse harem parody of Blue Lock that he's started reading from the suggestion of Dr Yuzuha. Rin decides tomorrow he'll break this tension with Sae no matter what. He'll work together with him even if Rin has to haul a sledgehammer to smash up Sae’s phone for him to glance at him.
The trashy reverse harem parody of Blue Lock does actually have a name. It was called Blue Lock High: The 99 Roses from the School Ikemens. The only reason Rin got into it was because of a slip of the tongue from his therapist.
“Oh, it's just like Yuki and Sae from 99 Roses.”
A single line that escalated to a reading session of Rin trash talking the web comic every few swipes.
Rin has found it very stress relieving, 99 Roses was written so horrendously bad that it loops to being unintendedly funny. Paired with the fact that each character was a mirror image of his football compatriots. Something about seeing the heart of Blue Lock, Isagi Yoichi tripping over himself for the main character gave him a thrill sense of catharsis.
Although he does not approve of its writing at all. Especially when it comes to his novel counterpart, who was the antagonist…?
Still, Rin has been diligently following along its journey to the point of being a known hate commentator on the site.
“This plot makes ZERO SENSE. Yuki should KILL HIMSELF and society would improve dramatically”
“Why is Rin the antagonist? All this MF said was hello and y'all hated him.”
“God please strike down Isagi Yoichi, that one guy that just gotta go.”
Rin was definitely not biased or anything. The fact that “Itoshi Rin” was the antagonist definitely did not sour his opinions. Totally.
Rin pays a few yen to unlock the final episode. To be honest with himself, he feels a little sad knowing that it was ending. Even if it was total shit and the art was a little bit of an eye sore, he couldn't deny it had a somewhat good impact on his mental psyche.
>Yuki Itoshi runs away from Michael Kaiser
>Yuki Itoshi gets run over by a car and dies.
>Male leads mourn him
>New guy shows up and nothing happens
…
Rin Itoshi eats every word that was remotely neutral or good about 99 Roses he had earlier. Rin’s face reflected on the black screen of his phone was of a frown so deep it was twisting his whole face. He doesn't even bother commenting his usual vitriol under the comment section and merely closes his phone with a click.
“Stupid, lukewarm, tepid, half-baked, shitty webcomic rot in hell!!!!”
Rin drifts off to sleep grinding his teeth in the Blue Lock dormitory that night. Not knowing he won't be waking up, not in this universe anyways…
A beat. Two.
“Rin! Ding Dong! We're about to be late for class.”
?
Why the hell is France’s genius mid-fielder, Vivien Hugo, doing in his god damn room.