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"Have you ever been in love?" A question was left for Flins by Varka during one of nights that both of the men meet up at the Flagship for a few drinks.
"Pardon?"
"Like, where you could fully commit yourself to specific someone, just them?"
It came across as very out of nowhere and specific at the same time. It wasn't that Flins considered himself to be with no love at all, far from it, actually. There was once a time where he would posses love for humanity whole, and still was affected by it, but loving humanity per se and loving a person specifically must be different, although it seemed similar and that was the kind of love he belived he was able to feel. "I didn't expect to be inquired about my love live, sir."
Varka laughed awkwardly. "Well, isn't love a luxury for us, both the Knights on my behalf and the Lightkeepers on yours? It's hard to devote your own life for honour and to another person at the same time. Would be hard to choose whether to sacrifice your life for a noble cause or to keep living for your beloved." He paused to take a sip of his drink, and then returned it back to the table. "But it's normal to happen. A part of being human."
"Very common indeed."
"So I was wondering how you would cope with that. You and Illuga, for example. Both of you are Lightkeepers, after all."
"It's interesting that after asking me whether I've been in love and your philosophical thoughts, you connect that with me and Illuga specifically. Maybe you've had for fill already, mr. Varka."
"I-I wasn't suggesting anything! I was wondering how you would act if you were once. You seem too complicated and composed to imagine you being head over heels for someone. At least I can't imagine it."
Flins hummed to himself and looked down, leaving the other man with no answer. If he were to fall in love with particular someone, especially with a human that he was already accustomed to live among as one of them, it would be hard to accept. Not that loving was, he accepted that idea in himself long ago. But the same idea brought him immense sorrow once what he cherished so much was destroyed. If loving humans came with that outcome, what would be the outcome of loving one particular human?
As for Illuga and his fellow Lightkeepers.. their lives are fleeting and all of them are aware of it. Flins himself knew it very well, that he would watch them live and pass. all of them, and he would still be there. But when your life is fleeting, what else can you do besides cherishing what you already have? All that is possible, be it love or sorrow, joy or grief. All of it is common and shared. And despite him always watching it, he could relate to it as well, though accepting it was much harder. But he had lived long enough to understand it.
As Flins was lost in his thoughts, it was Varka who broke the silence. "Sorry. The question was too random to even ask. I got carried away"
"No need to apologize," Flins smiled faintly. "I think it was an intriguing one."
"I also can't imagine you being of a dirty minded sort, too."
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm not saying you can't be, but I simply can't imagine that with your politeness. It would seem funny."
"Why are you trying to imagine that in the first place?"
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In truth, loving another came to him almost naturally, so naturally that he didn't recognize the moment it actually happened. Maybe he was more careless like humans, after so much time he had spend living among them.
Through his years spent by Illuga's side, he couldn't decide which moment was the one that made him feel almost light in his presence. Maybe it was sometime when Illuga was bringing supplies to him, being constantly worried of Flins not taking care of himself well enough, making him feel almost more human as he wanted to appear. Maybe it was during some particular night spent by a candlelight when Flins's gaze lingered too much on Illuga's curious eyes as he was listening to his stories, and that little 'Is something wrong, sir Flins?' as he, when he realized, turned his gaze elsewhere almost in a haze, noticed by the man before him.
Maybe it was sometime when Illuga's emotions, so human and mundane, seemed like a picture he could stare for hours, desiring to keep it only for himself. Maybe when he started almost leaving clues about what was behind him and his flowered speech, wishing that Illuga would be determined enough to try to understand it. Being read is hardly something Flins would like, questions and prying more than necessary would seem tiring and troublesome, yet why would he do that for him, make such exception so against his own nature?
During some nights, being all alone with himself only, he would try to ponder to find some answer, yet after each time none would be found.
Sometimes, he wished he could drink so much that it would actually take a tool on him and, just like his human acquaintances, would make his tongue and thoughs alike more bold to get to some conclusion. Unfortunately, he was far from human, so it ended only with wishes and no effect.
Despite everything, his interest in Illuga came from curiosity, one that more often manifested in watching from afar rather than forced anything upon. Just like admiring a paiting and everything that it could symbolize.
One would say that answers are within one's heart, but even with that, he found it hardly useful. Did his body have one, or was there only fire? If through flames death can be glimpsed, could love be noticed too?
Even so, sometimes, when he looked at Illuga, his dear friend, he could feel almost a burning desire concealed deep. To touch, to be close, to close the space so unnecessary between them. To take him with him and never return to the world, for him to be all for himself. To look, to observe, to cherish, to adore. Unadulteratedly.
What he came to accept was that no matter how strong and loud such desires were, he didn't wish to act on it. He was so accustomed to only observe humans once, so to do that one more time seemed ordinary. It would be too selfish to demand something from his young master, even if deep down, it all came from a sense of selfishness nevertheless.
If Illuga wouldn't make the first step, he wouldn't force it to happen.
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"I can't take it anymore." Illuga said after Flins barely opened the door to the Lighthouse and dropped the bag with supplies on the floor carelessly.
"What's the matter, young-" Flins wasn't even allowed to end his sentence as he was immediately cut by a sharp grab of his collar, forcing him to lean down to be met with Illuga's lips. Not being able to even hide his shock, he stumbled a little.
Was he dreaming?
And as Illuga was desperately pushing him forward, Flins was desperately pulling him closer, so selfishly as he so dreamt of, which eventually ended up in him falling onto the couch and Illuga settling on his lap, his hands around Flins' neck.
Even if doubting whether he had a real heart, he felt as if he would shortly faint, barely catching up with the events and the feeling of Illuga. Yet even when his mind was spiraling, his fingers quickly, acting on instinct, found their way to Illuga's waist. Even if his human body was just a pretense, he could use the kiss with Illuga as his own breath, blood, and everything that would give him life. If it would break too soon, it would feel as if losing air.
After a good while of the heated moment, Illuga pulled away, which caused Flins to breathe heavier than usually as he looked up at him, a trail of saliva following their lips as they parted. Somehow, Flins felt caged with being looked upon this way, but it didn't feel overpowering. Something about Illuga's gaze was making him simply weak. "Sir Flins," he panted. "No, Flins."
The correction with no formality made him feel even weaker, truly. "Yes, young master?" He asked fondly, but it was more akin to a whisper or a plea left only for Illuga. He felt helpless.
"You like determination, right?"
"Determination suits you very much, if that's what you mean. I like it on you."
Illuga sighed in resignation. "You're.. insufferable, I swear." The irritation in his voice, so used to Flins' remarks in this matter, didn't stop his hands from moving to his cheeks, gently touching as if being able to do so for the first time.
"What couldn't you take any longer, young master?" Flins asked, sounding almost innocently with Illuga touching his face, like he wanted to investigate him.
He answered quickly, as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. "The way you would leave me crumbs and expect me to feed on them, never doing anything direct, perhaps. So I decided to take the lead, for once." He looked almost proud of himself.
That earned a gentle chuckle from Flins. "My sincere apologies, dear young master. I didn't expect I would disappoint you so much. My intention wasn't to lead you on, though."
"Oh? then what was it?" Illuga asked interested.
"My own cowardice, perchance, with a specific amount of ambivalent feelings."
"Didn't expect the oh so mysterious and eloquent sir Flins to admit to cowardice, never in my life. The world is full of surprises, it seems."
And it would be full of surprised, because it was Flins then who pulled Illuga for another kiss, not being able to restraint himself much longer.
For some reason, it quickly changed to Flins using his hands to, with no objection, lay Illuga down on the couch beneath him, yet not breaking the contact in any way.
As he did break it after a good minute, he decided to take a look at him below. His hand moved to hold Illuga's tightly. "Should I show my gratitude for your previous efforts?
"And how would you do that?" Illuga smiled teasingly.
Flins started caressing Illuga's hand with his thumb. "Would you allow me to take the lead this time, dear Illuga?" He moved his leg between Illuga, which made his mouth open a bit in surpise at the move.
With the free hand the man below managed to lift himself so that there was barely any space between their faces. "I wouldn't mind. And I already see like you wouldn't leave me choice now anyway." He chuckled.
And actually, if Illuga would only ask, he would let him. He didn't have a heart to refuse anything that his young master asked for, did he? He would follow him anywhere, do anything, if only he asked.
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And for some reason, Flins for the first time in his whole existence felt like the opposite of being cold. He would never consider himself to be known for warmth in
his truest form, but then, he felt like burning hot.
When he took a look, Illuga's body was so much covered in scars. Old, new, ones that would stay for the entire lifetime with him. In contrast, his own was lacking any of those, the only thing visible were the fae symbols that normally would be hidden completely, resembling blue flames marks that were the only things that would make both of them similar anyhow, ignoring the origin. But even despite it, all of the scars weren't outcomes of human's weakness or something shameful, even if Illuga would think so. For Flins, those were simply a part of who he was, all of it combining into entirety, one that Flins would so yearn for.
No matter how close they would be, it still didn't seem enough for either. Even if their chests constantly touched and moved in the same rythm, even if their bodies were practically one, it was still not enough, there was something missing to fulfill that pure, consuming desire that had no restraint.
If only he could, he would like to be that fire that lighten up Illuga's cigarettes sometimes and get to his bloodstream directly, just to truly be inseparable part of him. He would wrap around his lungs, his heart and never leave.
But all that was left before him was Illuga clinging to him like he was his lifeboat, their breathing and panting mixing into one sound. "F-fuck.. Flins," Illuga panted as he threw back his head a little, closing his eyes in pleasure.
"Look at me, young master," He pled, his mouth moving from the explicitly exposed neck to his throat to trace it with kisses. "Please, master Illuga, take your eyes on me." He whispered looking up at his face in bliss, being almost proud that it was him who was the cause of it and that it was left only for his own eyes, not anyone else at the moment. Such perfection.
Not receiving what he asked for so fondly, he decided to nibble a bit on the skin, which earned him another more interesting sounds from Illuga. "Bite down harder," he asked, almost desperate, his hold on Flins's shoulder getting stronger.
"Oh, you liked that?"
"God, just.. do that."
"You still haven't looked at me, dear Illuga. I'm afraid it can't be done before you do that little thing for me."
And Illuga did look down at him, just to find that annoying yet satisfied for getting what he wanted smile on his face. Not that it was in any way charming, of course, even when he looked more messy than composed as always. "Your teasing is unbearable. Now it's your turn."
"And what do we say when we desire something, dear young master?"
"Please, Flins. Do that, for me. I ask you."
"I think you should be more precise with your words, young master. They sound so sweetly on your tongue.." Illuga looked at him with resignation in his eyes. "What do you want from me, my dear Illuga?" Flins got near his skin once again, his voice low, his breath visibly teasing it. Just waiting to hear what Illuga wanted.
"Flins, please," Illuga's voice got so breathy it actually made Flins feel even weaker." Bite me, hard."
And obviously, how could he even refuse, when asked so beautifully? So he did exactly as he was asked, and a bit more. And after a while, he was rewarded by feeling Illuga's hand traveling to his hair, tugging a little, which to Flins's own surpised made him whine himself too.
Though it felt heavenly for him, almost bringing him to the edge, he would consider himself secondary, the awarness that he could affect Illuga to that extent was making him almost dizzy, all of the sharp breaths that he was taking, the whines, mumbling from which he couldn't make out much besides a few curses at most. "Hah.. you sound so sweet like that."
"Please, don't stop.. just like that.."
"Yes, young master, yes.." Flins buried his face on Illuga's shoulder, just near the long scar that run to his neck, his hands to his waist to hold firmly. He felt once more Illuga's hand lowering to the hair on his nape, for one moment soothing and for another grabbing it tightly to his liking as he was getting more and more erratic in his movements.
"A-ah, I'm gonna.. a-ah, I'm so close, Flins." Illuga panted, breathless.
"Surely you are," he murmured. "Say my name, young master."
"Flins-"
"No, that's wrong. try again, Illuga."
"K-Kyryll," he corrected himself, which put a tired smile on Flins' face. "Kyryll, Kyryll.."
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"What brings you here, sir Flins?" Illuga asked as soon as he noticed Flins approaching his house in Piramida. He seemed joyful as he noticed the man, his eyes almost lighting up in a way Flins was familiar with.
And truth be told, he had no particular business to appear here. But at night the city seemed much quieter to his liking, and some part of him just wanted to see whether he would have the luck of seeing Illuga there. And that he certainly had. "I was passing by and decided to drop by, young master," he confessed as he approached closer.
"You didn't have any patrol tonight?" Illuga asked, not convinced, as he started searching in his pockets.
"I had a day off, you see."
"Right, right" He mumbled, and as he found his cigarettes and placed one into his mouth, grabbing the lighter next. Flins moved his hand to his.
"Allow me," Flins offered as with no objection Illuga passed him it and raised his head with the cigarette between his lips. Their eyes meet directly for a second and for some reason, Flins found it strangely intimate, but decided not to drag too much by staring and quickly lit the lighter.
"Thank you."
And somehow the quietness of the night reminded him of that one conversation he once had with Varka, as he looked at Illuga. And somehow the idea of being head over heels didn't seem so off. A long, long time ago, he wouldn't had thought that he would be so prone to becoming practically hopeless in love, but when he looked at illuga, it felt almost right, as if all of those years he'd been simply waiting for it to happen.
As Flins was thinking and glaring at Illuga, Illuga's gaze was directed at something else, maybe even far away. It was either him thinking about something too much or nothing at all, Flins thought. But neither of them seemed to break the silence, even for a while. And each time Illuga inhaled the smoke, he once more longed to be the flame that lights it, just to never truly part with him, instead of the cigarette by his lips it should be Flins himself who would addict Illuga to the point that he would come back to him again and again. A selfish desire, but a tempting one nevertheless.
As Illuga finished his cigarette, he let it fall to the ground and trampled on it. "It's hard to catch you off guard, you see," He started.
"Is it?"
"It was a change to see you being surpised."
"And what could you be refering to now, young master?" Flins looked at him teasingly.
"Please sir, let's not return to that now. You know exactly what I mean." He sighed. "I was just wondering, since despite your surpised expression you were pretty much eager for everything when I practically went for broke. I still don't understand it, even if I have spent the last few days trying to figure you out." As he was speaking, Flins stayed silent the whole time, yet his gaze never left Illuga. "I want to know what is in your head, even too much for my own good, probably. " He clenched his fists and looked down. "I can't speak for you and I don't know how you feel, or if there is a possibility that you saw that as a one time thing, but.."
And somehow there was this urge to yell out that nothing that Illuga thought was real, and that it would be a grave misunderstanding. "Illuga, I.." He started quickly and as quickly was cut off.
"Flins, I don't know what it is that you look for, but I really do love you, sincerely," he confessed. "And I've loved you since a long time at this point, but you seemed almost out of my reach to actually say it before. I didn't know if you were just being polite or if you wanted me the same way I want you, and it was making me sick. So I gambled everything on one card, but.."
Flins moved his hands to Illuga's shoulder until he looked up at him, his gaze full of uncertainty, barely any space between them. His fingers started to gently caress, moving over the long scar on Illuga's body. "Young master, take a breath now," He tried to calm him down and gave a gentle smile. "I'm sorry to tell you, but you've completely misunderstood me," he ensured, his other hand moving to Illuga's cheek. "I've felt the same for you too, my dear young master Illuga. And to tell the truth, I was caught off guard because, as well as to you, it seemed almost out of reach for me to grow so much attached to specific someone. It felt too complex and too , as everything that is a part of our lifes. But here you are, aren't you? I tried to understand it, but it came with no answers. Maybe simply what I hold for you was predestined to happen, and can't be explained by simple logic. Maybe it's simply a part of me now, just like you are. I hold you in my heart of hearts as if it was always meant to happen, and I wouldn't want it any other way."
Illuga stayed silent, even when Flins finished speaking. He chose not to interrupt it and simply wait.
"So.. all of my fears were for nothing, then?" Illuga asked, his voice quiet.
"It would seem so."
"I really envy your way with words, you know?" His hand moved to where Flins's was holding his shoulder, almost demanding touch. Flins complied immediately, their fingers entwining. "You should've used it without making me crazy with confusion, though. Being direct would be a good thing sometimes."
"I told you I hadn't been leading you on, though, haven't I?
"W-well, i thought you just.. I had a moment of doubt if I read the situation well."
Flins brought Illuga's hand closer to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on it. He let it stay close to his face. "I would advise you to pay really attention to my words, young master." He chuckled.
"Why do you sometimes smile as if you had some ulterior motives towards me?"
"I would never do anything that would go against you, dearest Illuga. You don't have to concern yourself with such things."
Illuga sighed. "I'm tired. Come," He said as he took Flins' hand into his and without hesitation started leading him to his house.
Flins let himself be led. "I think I shouldn't disturb your rest."
"I want you to spend the night with me, Flins."
"If that's what young master wants, then I'll gladly comply." His face turned somehow smug at how Illuga decisively didn't leave him a way out. Not that he complained, obviously.
"Good." Illuga opened the door and practically pushed Flins there with him.