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There’s a misconception about Théo Raeken and his feelings. Or perhaps there isn’t, everyone has him figured out and he’s the only one left to be fooled. It’s hard, trying to be like everybody else when he has never felt like them once in his entire life, there isn’t a path to follow or an example set, just a bunch of bodies and traumatic experiences he can’t seem to get away from.
It’s not that he doesn’t feel, no matter how much people might think he’s some kind of psychopath who cannot be trusted again. He has a heart, even though it’s one he ripped with his bare hands from his sister, it’s still beating in his chest, pumping blood and making him feel things. Things he can’t comprehend, that can’t be translated into words, looks, or even touches. Things way too foreign to feel any type of normalcy about. It makes his skin crawl when he brushes the thoughts in his mind.
He still remembers Mason laying on the ground in pain, looking at him with pity like he was the one who couldn’t be saved, uttering a simple sentence that still haunts him to this day; “You can't take pain if you don't care”.
The thing is, he cared at the time. He truly did. He cared a lot, and it hurts that it wasn’t enough. He even cares to this day, every day more than the one before, somehow it still isn’t enough. Maybe he's doomed to be this old version of himself forever, no matter how much he tries to change, grow and be a better person, it never feels good enough.
And it doesn't seem fair for Liam to care about him so openly when Théo and everyone else around them seems to agree he’s not worth it, no matter how the younger boy looks at him with stars in his eyes. He is his actions and his past. He harmed people, and it will be a part of him forever. He’s so painfully aware of it, never tries to pretend otherwise, but he still can't bring himself to leave.
Maybe some of his old traits stayed behind when he got brought back, but his selfishness stuck with him. He’s the same greedy monster he used to be back then.
That must be why he's currently in Liam's bedroom, listening intently to his heartbeat quickening as he looks away from Théo to focus on his homework laying on the ground in front of him, because his desk is filled with stuff he can't be bothered to clean up, his room as messy as his mind. Théo is perched on the bed, looking down at him to make sure he's working, but like most days, Liam reeks of anxiety
“Stop that,” Liam finally speaks up, still looking down at his biology assignment
“Doing what?” Théo hums, faking composure. He always seems to be faking something around the other man.
Liam mumbles, “Looking at me, I'm trying to focus.”
“I'm making sure you're doing it right,” The older boy tries in a teasing tone.
Liam scoffs at him, rolling his eyes, “No you're not, you're just being you”
It makes Théo stop for a second, his brain struggling to catch what the other boy is implying, “Is that supposed to be a bad thing ?” He asks curiously.
Liam looks up with an arched eyebrow, annoyance written all across his face, “Stop being so obtuse or whatever”
“That's a big word for you, I'm impressed”
The beta tries to hold back a smile but the corner of his lip tugs up, “Shut up” he pushes Théo’s knee and the man holds onto his wrist, “Let go of me” he almost whines and it does something to Théo’s cool composure.
“Or what?”
“Or I'm gonna start believing you're just looking for excuses to touch me,” He giggles, before realising it must be the wrong thing to say when Théo lets go of him immediately, his skin burning. He looks away immediately, scratching the side of his neck, trying so hard to keep his heart at a normal rhythm and his chemosignal neutral.
Liam gulps, awkwardly trying to calm him down, “I'm joking Théo, you know”
“Sorry,” The other man replies quickly. He doesn't know why he’s apologizing. Maybe for making it weird, or not being able to give back everything Liam seems to be giving him so freely. He resents him for how easy he makes it look.
Liam smiles at him gently, “No it's alright”
He gets up from the ground to sit next to him on the bed, Theo’s body immediately tenses up at the movement. “I don't mind you touching me, I like it even” he tries to cheer the other boy up, but it’s too late to change his mind.
“Don't make it weird,” Théo blurts out. It still feels like some sort of performance he’s putting on.
Liam scrunches his nose and tries not to look hurt, “I'm not making it weird, I'm just being honest. You know I care about you, and our relationship is different from the other we have, it's our thing and I like it”
The silence grows between them, Liam waiting for something that they both know isn’t going to happen, and Théo trying to form an answer that can’t get past his lips.
Liam sighs, “it's okay I know you don't like talking about it, I'm just telling you so we're on the same page but I don't expect anything from you, I know it's not-,” he gestures, at loses for words, “I mean I get it”
Theo bites his cheek as hard as he can, the slight pain keeping him grounded, “You get what ?”, He asks.
Liam smiles at him softly,“That we're different,” They both know what he means by it. I know I care more, I know you don’t like me this way, “But I don't mind, it’s enough for me,” he settles for, quietly.
It really shouldn’t be, because Liam deserves more than the bare minimum, more than Théo. It's a painful thing to know without being able to do anything. He feels sick at the simple thought of it.
He wants to speak up, reply with anything to prove he cares too, but the words get stuck in the back of his throat like they always do, the only thing coming out is a scoff, making it seem like he doesn't care, but he does. And Liam doesn't even know half of it because Théo is never brave enough to show how deep his feelings run.
Liam deflates, looking away, “Anyway, I don't even know why I'm telling you that, I'm being silly, sorry. forget about it” He gets up and pushes his homework in the corner with his foot.
“Liam…” is all Théo can mutter, it probably doesn't translate the way he wants to, because Liam’s whole energy feel so down all of a sudden, like he's being rejected and it's so far from the truth but Théo can't do anything to change his mind, beside cursing himself even more.
“It's okay. you wanna play some fifa?” Liam tries to brush it aside, turning on his playstation without as much as glancing toward the other man in his room.
What he should do is get away from Liam’s space and leave the poor guy alone. But he’s too selfish for that, so he reaches for the controller instead and replies monotonically, “Sure”
Liam comes back on the bed and sits cross legged, his knee digging into Theo's thighs. He’s doing it on purpose, they’re both aware of it, but Théo has the presence of mind to act clueless, it’s the least he can do in this instance.
He can’t bring himself to focus on the game though, his mind playing tricks while his heart keeps on trying to go off beat, forcing him to try extra hard to keep a normal pace. He loses 4-1 and Liam doesn’t even rub it in like he usually would, he just turns off the game and lays on his back, looking at the ceiling with the controller on his chest. His whole demeanor stiff, he reeks of sadness and Théo feels the urge to lay down next to him, craving the comfort he doesn’t allow himself to have, no matter how tempting the forbidden fruit is looking.
“I can hear you thinking,” Liam whispers next to him.
Theo scoffs, “I don’t think you would know how to do that even if you could”
“I still notice when you’re overthinking, even if you think I'm too dumb to see right through you”
“I never think that you’re dumb,” Théo replies immediately, feeling horrible at the thought of Liam believing he thinks lowly of him. He might make bad jokes sometimes, but there's never much truth behind his words. For all his had, he at least hopes that Liam knows it.
“Still. I wish you would just tell me things”
He sighs, “Yeah, well,” Théo wishes he would tell him things too. It would be so much easier if he could speak up, unburden his heart and be what Liam needs him to be. That’s not the kind of man he is, though.
The other boy moves on when he realizes Théo isn't going to say anything else, “There’s something I've been meaning to tell you, but the pack said I probably shouldn’t”
“You should listen to your pack then, they know what’s best for you,” He mumbles. It's always the sensible thing to do, they were right about him in the first place, and Théo is glad Liam has people in his corner that care about his wellbeing. He deserves it more than anyone else.
Liam shakes his head, “Not always, they’re just over protective and think you didn’t change”
“I didn't,” Théo replies sharply without missing a beat.
Liam gazes at him kindly, “If it makes it easier for you we can pretend”
Théo doesn’t answer that because there’s nothing to say. He just holds Liam’s gaze and waits for him to speak up again.
“I think you’re my anchor”
He already knew that, suspected it a while ago when Liam started hanging out with him. He noticed his heartbeat changing when he got closer, the way he looked at him, and the fact he always reached for him when they were with his pack. Liam is easy to read, it should be a good thing really, but it makes it even more painful for Théo to be around him.
“Why would you do that,” He snaps against his own will. It's not Liam's fault, but he just can't understand why he would do this to himself.
Liam's eyes are sharp on him, his brows furrowed. He's clenching his hand, trying to stay in charge of himself, “It’s not like I chose to. It just happened, alright. It’s not my fault”
Théo isn't even listening anymore, the whole situation is just making him feel worse and he wishes so much that Liam would just understand he's wasting his time on him, “That’s stupid Liam, you can’t count on me for stuff like that. Your pack was right”
“Why do you always say that?” The other boy asks, defeated.
Théo gulps, “Say what?”
“Your pack. it’s not just mine, it’s yours too”
And that's something Théo can't accept, no matter how many times they tell him. Most days he can’t even trust himself, so the idea of a whole group of people trusting him enough to let him in just seems unwise. He doesn't want to be a part of their pack, that's what he says anyway. The truth he can’t bring himself to accept is different; he wishes to fit in somewhere more than anything. He just doesn't deserve this place to be Scott's pack when everyone is aware he tried to kill him.
He shakes his head, upset at himself, “It’s not. I don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t deserve it and you guys are stupid for letting me in so easily. What if I'm planning something and you’re just handing me the keys? You give your trust too easily”
“You always have to make everything so complicated by trying to fight,” Liam growls.
“Why don’t you want to fight back?” He almost screams at him, because that's what they are supposed to do, that's what they've been doing all along.
“It’s not worth it, you’re just looking for excuses”
It's too easy to take that sentence and twist it around, so he doesn't even wait a beat before throwing back, “it isn’t the only thing that isn’t worth it”
Liam looks at him with so much anger in his eyes, “Are you talking about yourself ?”
Théo hates to disappoint him, but he just doesn't get him. He snaps his mouth shut, clenching his jaw. There's nothing else left to say that Liam can’t understand just by looking at him.
The younger man sighs once more, like it’s tiring to be near Théo, and he gets him, "I don't know what I need to do for you to stop thinking this way about yourself”
“Let it go,” he almost begs.
“Okay Théo, whatever. It doesn’t change the fact you’re my anchor. But I think deep down you knew it already”
Of course, he knew. Théo wants to cry, wishes he could experience emotions in a normal way and let himself be comforted by a boy who seems to care so deeply about him. It's just not what he was raised to be, and it’s hard to be a normal guy when he doesn't know how to act in his own body. Nothing he does or says feels right, he wishes to crawl into Liam's brain to see what it's supposed to feel like, maybe then he could copy it. He really wants a lot of things, he just doesn't think he can have them, “You’re way too nice with me” he settles for, because he can’t seem to say anything else. What he feels is too hard to translate into words, and he’s aware enough to know he isn’t worth loving a boy like Liam.
“Should I be mean?” Liam asks.
“I am”
“You’re not. You’re just- You’re Théo”
It's the second time he said it today, and somehow it hurts even more than the first. There's something in the back of his throat twisting, “All that I'm doing to you is mean and wrong.” He clenches both of his hands, struggling to stay afloat.
Liam looks back at the ceiling and sighs once more, “That’s not what I'm saying, it’s just what you want to believe because you feel too guilty about having something good”
“Because I don’t deserve it,” he wants to yell and shake Liam as hard as he can, but he keeps his voice down.
“Everyone deserves love, Théo!”
“I don’t. I’m not a good person”
“I don't care, okay? I don't care what you think. It’s still the way things are and it won’t change, so you better accept it. You're not listening to me, you’re just hearing what you want”
“I should go”
Liam gets up so quickly he has to stabilize himself for a second, “We’re not done talking”
“I am done”
“It doesn’t change anything, you know. You can flee every time it gets too serious i don’t care, because you will come back, you care about me, no matter how much you hate it”
“I don't,” he replies quickly. He means to say he doesn’t hate it, but he’s not sure it comes off the right way.
Liam blinks at him, and Théo thinks he pushed It too far this time, that the younger man will snap. but he doesn't, he just sighs instead. “Okay Théo, if you say so”
“I didn't - I didn't mean -” He tries once more, but never succeeds to voice what he really mean, “I'll just go”
Liam turns around on the bed, ending the conversation by showing him his back, “Goodbye”
Theo's heart clenches. He wants to reach, feel the skin under his fingertips, make him understand in a way his words never could. But he's not brave enough for that. It's always easier to flee the scene.
“Bad people don't think they’re bad, Théo,” He whispers, still showing his back, and it stops Théo dead in his tracks.
The words hit him in a way physical pain never did, it sits with him in the silence, wraps around his body and tries to reach for his soul. He wants to reply, say anything back, but his words are stuck in his throat, it’s tight and he can’t seem to breath properly, he swallows, sighs too loudly and leaves the room quietly.
Liam waits for the door to close to let himself cry, but it never comes. He stays quiet, listening to every noise his old house makes.
He can't recall at what point he drifted off, just knows he never heard the door close behind Théo and waited for it until sleep came over him.
He’s not completely surprised to find Théo still here when he wakes up in the middle of the night, what startles him is that it’s not a boy he finds, but a coyote sleeping on the floor of his bedroom.
He rubs his eyes, thinking he must be hallucinating, but the view doesn’t waver. Quietly, Liam moves his hand toward the sleeping animal and reaches the top of his head in what is supposed to be a soft stroke.
The coyote jumps out at the slight touch, frightened, and almost bites Liam’s hand. He growls at him and for a moment Liam thinks he’s about to get attacked, before he realises how terrorised the coyote looks.
“I’m sorry! Oh my god I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” He apologies profusely.
The coyote stops growling. He stays in the corner of the room, but his eyes keep on turning toward the door left ajar. Liam follows his line of sight, understanding dawning on him.
“Please don’t leave, you can stay. I won’t touch you if you don’t want to, I swear,” He says, putting his hands behind his back to illustrate his words. It doesn't seem to ease the animal who still looks ready to bolt out of the room.
Even if Liam wasn't aware of Théo's abilities to shift into a coyote, he’s convinced he would’ve still known it were him by sheer look. It’s in the eyes, and the way the beast moves in the room, the frightened attitude hidden behind a mask. The scary growling, and the way he bared his teeth but never bite. Liam wants to get closer, tell him he’s allowed to be in this room and doesn't have to be embarrassed about being found. He wants to invite him to the bed and tell him how much he loves every part of him, that he doesn't care how scared Théo is or how lowly he thinks of himself. He realises so much of their relationship is being eaten away by lack of communication and Théo self-sabotaging second nature.
It does something to Liam’s heart, imagining what minefield must be happening inside of the older boy's head. It must be the only thing he thought he deserved, to sleep there on the floor of Liam’s room. It makes him fight back tears, looking at the beautiful animal still watching him fearfully.
He’s exhausted from holding things back and pretending, when the only thing it’s doing is hurt them both. He doesn’t think much more before extending his palm toward the coyote, “Please, come on the bed. I’d really love to if you would. You don’t have to stay on the floor”
The animal sniffs the air before taking cautious steps toward Liam. He stops once he reaches his hand and waits here, his eyes locked into him. Liam isn’t used to dealing with coyotes, but he’s used to Théo’s expressions enough to understand, “Can I pet you?” he asks softly, just to be sure.
And when the beast doesn't move, Liam finally reaches toward its fur. It’s soft under his fingertips, and the animal’s eye stays focused on him.
“You’re pretty,” He whispers, and Théo’s head tilts to allow Liam’s hands to pet more of him. Liam can’t help but smile at the sight, “you like it, uh?” He teases, and Théo growls at him with no real ill intent. He seems almost embarrassed and the younger man can’t let him feel that way. He pats the bed, “Don’t be moody, come up here, I want to cuddle you. You look like a teddy bear.”
He’s not sure it’s the right thing to say, the coyote seems to ponder on it for a while before finally jumping on the bed. He stays as far away from him as he can and Liam doesn't press, he lays back on the bed, looking intently at Théo. He doesn't know if he should say something and acknowledge the situation or pretend like nothing is happening, knowing Théo, he thinks the other man would prefer to avoid the situation, but he can’t offer him this grace.
“I’m glad you stayed, you’re always welcome you know? Even if we argue and you’re annoying sometimes,” The coyote doesn't blink, analyzing Liam every movement and words, “Thank you for trusting me, and letting me pet you, you’re very soft.”
“You know, you’re allowed to want things.” He says softly, fighting himself to stay awake, because Théo needs to hear that, he needs to understand there’s nothing wrong or shameful about him, “You’re not a monster, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be taken care of, I can take care of you, I don't think it’s a waste of time. You don’t have to reciprocate it, I'm not waiting for anything, I just want to show you, so please let me,” He whispers on the brink of sleep.
The coyote walks toward him slowly and hesitates once he reaches the younger boy. Liam just looks at him fondly, and it must be enough to give him the last bit of bravery he needed to lick the boy’s palm. The sudden act surprises Liam, making him giggle. Théo seems to enjoy the soft sound, because he keeps going, wetting Liam’s face in the process.
When the laughing stops, Théo settles himself next to Liam, letting the boy’s hand find his fur once more to pet it softly.
“Next time we can do that while you’re in human form,” Liam mumbles into the fur, Théo whines but doesn’t move.
Maybe they will, another day. In the meantime, Liam presses a soft kiss on the top of his head.