Work Text:
1 "You made me cry. I don't know how you do this to me, even though you're thousands of miles away. This is so super scary, Jisoo. My insides are freaking out because I have no idea how to do this, and I know, and you know, that I'm difficult. My brain is like what the fuck, Rosie, stop it, push her away, but I'm not doing it." Her voice wavered, but she continued. "Because I love you, too. I want this, with you. And I'm probably gonna keep telling my brain to shut up and telling you that you're my favorite, and I need you. I love you, and what the hell, let's give this a try."
This was the voicemail Chaeyoung left Jisoo when the brunette had finally admitted she had feelings for her, after being internet friends for over a year.
2 "Hey, Sooya. You're probably still asleep right now. I'm gonna leave this message anyway. Um, I miss you! I know we were just together on vacation a month ago but I was looking at the pictures we took and I started missing you a whole lot. Come back to me." The voice on the audio whimpered, then let out a light chuckle. "No, seriously, fly back to me. Let's run away and take mini vacations for the rest of our lives!!" She continued, unintentionally yelling out the last few words. "Sorry, please don't be mad at me for yelling so early in the morning when you hear this. I miss you. Call me when you wake up, I want to hear your sleepy voice. I love you, baby. Bye."
Jisoo still lived in London, and Chaeyoung in LA. They had decided to try long distance three months ago.
3 "I'm sorry." Her voice was low and quiet, followed by the sound of a sniffling nose. "I'm sorry for the things I said. This is just... it gets frustrating sometimes, you know? And I miss you, and I hate that I can't hug you or kiss you when I miss you. I am so sick of sleeping alone in this big, empty bed when you should be here. We should be together. This distance thing sucks." A pause, a couple of seconds of silence on the line. "Please don't give up. Don't give up on me. I.. We can do this, okay?" More silence. "I love you. So much."
4 "Kim Jisoo! Where are you? Why aren't you picking up? I'm at the Italian Bistro and I am starving. If you don't get here in five minutes, I will starve and die." A light pause. "Do you want me to die? Hurry! Hurry hurry hurry. Oh wait, I see you!" The sound of a tiny bell chiming could be heard through the audio as the door swung open. "You're here! Alright. Love you, bye."
5 "Hey, turtle rabbit!" Jisoo loved it when Chaeyoung called her weird nicknames. "I missed your call, sorry, I was in class. Physics was stupid, I don't even know why it's in my curriculum. Ugh." A loud groan. "And now you're probably already busy, so that's just, perf." A sigh. "Call me later, yeah? Love you."
She always ended the call with an I love you.
6 "Heeeeey." She almost sang the word. Jisoo remembered this voicemail, left on her phone at 2 A.M. when the blonde was out with her friends celebrating the success of their thesis defense. "Stop sleeping and answer my call!" Jisoo gave out a light chuckle at the memory of how drunk Chaeyoung had sounded. But then came a loud sigh on the other end. "I miss you. I wish you were here." A pause. "I love you.. Jisooya." The call ended.
7 "Hey! I just saw your Instagram story and I've got three words for you. How. Dare. You." Her voice was sullen, but Jisoo could instantly tell she was kidding. "I want hotpot, too!" she huffed. "You're probably in class." Jisoo remembered she had been at school that day, volunteering as a substitute art teacher for third graders. "I love you. Even though you're a noodlehead who eats hotpot without me. Alright, bye, call me! Love you."
8 "I DID IT! I BOOKED A FLIGHT TO YOU, AHH! I'll send you the deets later. I'll see you in three weeks, babe! I love you!"
9 "I guess you still hate me. I hate when you don't answer my calls when I know you're still awake. I just wanted to say good night. I don't wanna go to bed mad at each other." Jisoo remembered this call from when they had another trivial fight about her always missing Chaeyoung's calls and not answering texts in a timely manner. "And I don't want the day to end without saying how much I love you. So. I love you." A quick beep, and then silence. Jisoo felt the guilt building in her chest all over again.
10 "Time zones are weird." A pause. "But you know what else is weird? You." She sounded bored. "Cause you're a little weirdo who doesn't wake up when I call. But I love you anyway. Call me please."
11 "Hi, babe. How are you never on your phone? Anyway, I was bored in Philosophy class today so I wrote your name on my shoe, just like Andy did on Woody's! Ha-ha. Hold on, I'll send you a picture. I love you!"
12 "Hey, my love. Just calling to check on you cause you didn't send me a single text today and my calls keep getting sent to voicemail. Are you okay? Call me as soon as you get this. I'll stay up tonight. I'll wait for your call. Love you!"
This was from when Jisoo's phone had gotten busted after it fell in the sink while she was doing the dishes. She'd had to wait twenty-four hours for a replacement.
13 "Hey! I'm calling cause a little bird told me that you liked saving my voicemails. So here's one to tell you how obsessed I am with your face and how I can't wait to kiss it all over!" A giggle. "I miss you. I love youuuu." Beep.
14 "Jisoo, sorry I missed your calls. I'm okay, I was just really busy at the studio today. I helped produce a song! Wait, here, let me play it for you." An upbeat melody began playing in the background. Jisoo had thought, and still thought, that it was beautiful. She remembered how proud she had felt for Chaeyoung that day. "It's pretty cool, right? It's not finished, but I'm really happy about the progress. My manager thought it sounded okay." Jisoo could picture the air quotes perfectly. "But he never calls anything okay unless he really likes it, so yay, I'm so happy." A soft laugh. "Sorry, I'm rambling. What about you? How was your day? Tell me everything. Call me, text me. Wait, what time is it?" A pause, probably checking her phone. "Oh shit, it's 3 A.M. over there, you're sleeping. I'm probably gonna go to bed too cause I'm beat. Okay, but call me tomorrow first thing. Bye, baby. I love you."
15 "Okay, so now we're back to not answering calls, I see. Can we please be adults about this? I don't... this is ridiculous. Why would you even think that? She's a colleague I happen to spend a lot of time with because we're working on a project together. Don't you.. trust me?" Her voice wavered and she sounded genuinely hurt. "Okay, I'm sorry I wasn't on my phone much today cause I was at work. Jesus Christ, Jisoo, we have this conversation every week. Don't you hate it?" She sounded exhausted. "See, instead of us Facetiming right now and watching a movie, you're out there ignoring my messages and calls. Fine, I'll quit my job so I don't have to hang out with anyone, since you're practically jealous of every breathing soul around me." Beep.
This was the first voicemail Chaeyoung had left without an I love you. Jisoo saved it anyway.
Chaeyoung did not answer any of Jisoo's messages or calls for a few days after that voicemail.
16 "I miss you. I'm sorry. I love you."
Chaeyoung's voice was soft and forgiving. Jisoo had been studying for her midterms with her phone tucked under her pillow. She wished she hadn't done that. She missed the call, and she regretted it every day.
17 "You're my favorite." No proper greeting, just that, said adoringly. "Except when you don't answer my calls. I'm going to my dad's house today, it's his birthday. You know how much reception sucks over at his place, so I'm probably not gonna be on my phone the whole time. But to compensate, I'm gonna end this voicemail with a song." A small clearing of her throat, and then she began singing softly. Jisoo thought she had the most angelic voice she'd ever heard. "I miss you, Kim Jisoo. I'll try to text anyway. I love you!" Beep.
18 "Hey." A hint of agitation. "Who is this Hae-in guy who keeps leaving comments on your Instagram posts? I'll murder him." Jisoo knew she was kidding. She had always found it adorable when Chaeyoung got possessive. "Nobody calls my girl babygirl other than me. And why did this go to voicemail? Are you hanging out with him right now? I'll kick your ass." Playful but pointed. "Call me ASAP. I love you."
19 "Jisoo!" She was already laughing. "I can't believe I'm finally coming to see you, for good. This is it, Jisoo, our someday is coming true. I've lived in LA my whole life, but somehow it feels foreign now." Jisoo could imagine her smiling as she said it. "You've got a bad case of being over there, Kim, and the only cure is me being with you there." Her voice was steady, unhesitant, as though she had always known she was meant to move five thousand miles away from everything familiar. "I'll see you at the airport tomorrow. Don't be late! I love you love you."
20 "Good morning, sleepyhead. On my way to the airport. I love you."
21 "Hey, Jisoo, I'm boarding the plane. I'll be there in like 349283 hours." She had always hated long flights. "Ugh, and you know what the cherry on top is? There are so many kids on this flight. Like all the parents in LA just decided they want to board this plane with their toddlers going to London, and they're all simultaneously crying. Good god, sedate me." A beat. "Anyway, I'll talk to you soon. I hope I fall asleep the entire duration of the flight so when I wake up, I'll be in your arms." She drew out the last word, then cleared her throat. "Okay, my seatmate is looking at me all crazy now. I gotta go," she whispered quickly. "I love you, Jisoo. So much." Beep.
Her plane never made it to London.
Twenty-one voicemails from Chaeyoung, kept on Jisoo's phone.
Twenty-one voicemails across the thirteen months they had spent in a long distance relationship.
Twenty-one voicemails she had been listening to every single day since her death.
Some days, only once. Other days, seventeen times in a row.
Somehow, she blamed herself for the loss of such an extraordinary person in the world. She wished she hadn't been selfish enough to ask her to move across the continent, to finally close the distance between them. But she knew Chaeyoung would have hated her for thinking that way.
So she grieved instead, by listening to twenty-one voicemails over and over.
Because she had loved her. And now her love had nowhere left to go.