Work Text:
(kalim pov)
sigh...the days ended,(i put down my things lying on my bed)...after the overbolt...i have been trying...to do things on my own..
so he doesnt have to do...like waking up on my own..getting ready...and packing my own things...its hard..since i keep on forgetting some stuff...but ig thats just how it is...as much as i try and pretend im fine...it just...feels weird...i dont know.....jamil used to be someone i considered a family...someone i could trust for the first time...without having to worry about being ...betrayed...but i guess in the end..i was ..too..selfish...
in the hope of finally getting someone i could trust....i suppose...i ended up...ruining...what we had..as friends...that comes...if jamil...even considered me his friend....
its weird...i used to think if jamil betrayed me..i doubted i could ever trust anyone again....as much as its my fault...since again my obvilliousness resulted in me harming someone i cared about....
maybe my mother was right...i can not trust anyone ...its for my own good ig...but...it hurts...being alone...
as much as i dont want to...i cant help feel uncomfortable around jamil now...i can pretend like always...that im happy,...but at the same time...i suppose its just a fear that he will harm me....ig....its weird ...jamil was someone i considered i was closest to....someone i thought we had no secrets between us...yet he hid the most important one....
i wonder...when did it change...when did we go from friends ..to this....or....did jamil even ever considered me his friend....or i was just a thing...a duty he was "forced" to protect and take care of .....
its weird seeing someone like jamil now...since everytime i look at him now ...it feels like im looking..at...a complete.....stranger...
i wonder...how did it change so much...
maybe...it was my fault again..i got to excited with my happiness to have someone who would genuinely be with me and not betray me that...i overlooked his own emotions...
..i really am selfish arent i.....
why do..i always...mess things up...no matter...how much i try....i really am useless arent i....
..jamil still cook for me...but...its not the same...ig after...hearing how he really thought...i..just...cant...no matter..how ..much ..i try..
after...i eat the food he made..and when i finally get time alone...i throw up...i dont know...the thought of eating it...makes me want to throw up....?...it was once the only food i thought was safe...but now...i dont know...if i could say the same...now...
it just...doesnt feel safe...anymore...but at the same time...i cant starve...myself..again.....i guess ...now that jamil isnt with me 24/7...i suppose i could sneak out of nrc at night and disguise myself to get food....it doesnt feel right...nor safe...but...ig..since im disguised....no one would poision me....if they dont know who i am...
it still feels...i dont know...how to say it...unsafe...weird...?...idont know...