Chapter Text
It started out as just another casual Saturday afternoon in the HBG Discord. The voice call had filled up a bit earlier than usual, a mismatched group of them dropping in to kill time, chat about recent speedruns, with some of them halfheartedly grinding for elo on Ranked. Infume was sitting at his desk, comfortably settled into the familiar hum of his friends’ chatter while he worked on his Skyblock island.
Everything had seemed normal enough, with just a few throwaway jokes about how Infume’s Skyblock house had two beds but only one occupant. Infume had just sighed, rolling his eyes at his monitor. He was used to this. But as time wore on, the banter didn't fade out like it usually did. Instead, his friends seemed to feed off each other's energy. They were messing around with Infume once again, relentlessly teasing him for being single. It was a familiar routine, and usually, Infume could just tune it out. He didn’t particularly enjoy it when people brought up his relationship status, but he wasn’t deeply bothered by it either—he was fine with his lifestyle. However, his friends took the joke a little too far this time. Before Infume could even attempt to laugh it off, Poundy (of course it's fucking Poundy) pulled up his screenshare on Discord and started actually putting together a Tinder profile for him.
"Alright, let's look at the basics," Poundy’s voice crackled through his earbuds, full of mischievous glee. "What are your preferences, Infume? Just women, or do we need to check both boxes? Gotta maximize your match rate, dude."
A sudden, sharp spike of discomfort hit Infume right in the chest. It wasn't that he thought there was anything inherently wrong with checking both boxes, of course, but being put on the spot over something like that made his skin crawl.
"Just women," Infume said, flatter and more uptight than he intended. "Obviously. Leave it as it is, Poundy, I don't—just—actually, just turn off the screenshare, this is stupid."
"Whoa, okay, defensive much?" Poundy responded, laughing. "Calm down, we’re just optimizing your profile. Now we need to come up with a bio… what if we say that you're 'good with a rod'? We all know the ladies love when people use rod tech on ocean blinds."
Infume stared at the screenshare as Poundy finished up the profile, his fingers tightening against his mouse.
"Seriously, Poundy, drop it," Infume said, his voice cracking as he watched the cursor hover over the 'Create Profile' confirmation button. "I'm not doing this. Close the tab."
"Just one test match! We can definitely find you a local e-girl who appreciates some good village routing."
The realization hit Infume quickly—what if Poundy wasn't joking anymore and actually planned on hitting the submit button? The thought of a public, digital catalog of his dating life floating around on the internet made him feel vaguely nauseous. His brain, scrambled by panic, completely derailed. Panicking at the thought of having an actual, posted, dating profile in any form, Infume blurted out the first thought that came to him:
"I'm—I'm, uh… um. You guys don't need to do this, by the way. I'm a-already seeing someone."
A heavy silence fell over the voice call, immediately followed by an explosion of skepticism. No one believed him (why would they?) and the channel erupted with demands for proof, asking to know exactly who he was dating.
"Waitwaitwait... wait, quiet down. Dude, Infume, did you just try to pull the fucking 'she goes to another school' card? There's no shot," Feinberg started.
"NO! I just—"
"You're dating someone?" Poundy interrupted. "You? Since when?"
"Um, since only—well—it started a little while ago. It's—you don't, uh—it's recent, which is why I haven't told you!"
"Infume, look me in the eyes through your monitor. If you're seeing someone, why the hell have you been grinding Ranked for eleven hours a day this week?"
"It's—well, first off, it's only been like eight hours a day—and uh—and also, people can have hobbies and relationships, Poundy. It’s called balance."
"Okay, great!" Silverr chimed in. "Then pull up her Discord tag. Let's invite her to the call. Let's see if she wants to look at, like, your cobblestone generator or your 5:47."
"Yeah, come on, introduce us to the lucky girl! Why are you hiding her?"
"B-because of this. Exactly this."
Infume went silent after that, staring blankly at his monitor and tuning out whatever else his friends were saying, before promptly leaving the voice call. He paused to think because why on earth did he say that? It was obviously a lie, but he was too stubborn to back down now. Plus, if he admitted to lying, he would look even more pathetic than he already did (which would kind of be the equivalent of digging a hole when the bar is in hell), and his friends would have even more fuel to resume their inane matchmaking crusade.
After a few grueling minutes of (over)thinking, a desperate idea began to take shape. He would get someone to fake date him for a short while, and down the line, they could "break up." He would be single once again, but at least he would have sufficiently proven that he was capable of dating someone. Once this precedent was set, his friends shouldn't feel compelled to keep teasing him or trying to set him up.
Clinging to his barely-thought-out plan, he quickly typed out and sent HBG some vague message stating that he wasn't sure if the person was fully comfortable sharing their identity just yet. With his temporary reprieve in place, he returned to his frantic brainstorming.
Now he faced a new, much larger problem: who exactly was he supposed to fake date?
He was too socially anxious to ask anyone he knew in real life. Besides, he didn't actually know many people offline anyway, since he spent most of his free time cooped up in his room, playing Minecraft or doomscrolling. He turned to his various online circles, but most of his friends were already in relationships. He definitely couldn't ask anyone in HBG, because they were 1) the people trying to set him up and 2) they were all close friends, and so any sudden romance between them would be really obviously fake, even if he somehow got one of the very few people who might agree to go along with it.
Oh, and god forbid he ask a woman… the thought of trying that made his stomach turn. He figured that it might turn confusing for him if they ever really got anywhere with their act. It's what everyone expects, but I would rather let Danny write me a dating profile before I attempt that.
So then... would he have to ask a man? It wasn't something he had put much thought into before (he's always just assumed that he's straight). But since none of this was going to be real anyway, he found that he didn't really mind the thought of a fake boyfriend. It wasn't… it wasn't the norm, and it wasn't what he would do if he actually dated someone, but it almost felt safer, in an odd way. With that in mind, Infume began to desperately go through his Discord friends list; once again, most people were taken. He scrolled until one name gave him pause: Hax. He wouldn't be a bad candidate for this at all, actually.
Hax was currently single. The two of them got along pretty well, and they were close enough that Infume wouldn't feel completely uncomfortable asking. In addition, Hax was known for his commitment to stupid bits, and the chances that he would agree to this—well, they weren't the highest, but his odds with Hax were probably much better than his odds with anyone else. They'd known each other for a while now too, and there were definitely less believable people he could be dating. As a bonus, the rest of HBG didn't really talk to Hax all that often, making the lie easier to pass off. Hax was friends with the group, sure, but not to the same extent to which Hax was friends with Rowl and Mongey, or the extent to which HBG was close with each other. With his limited options, Hax stood out as the perfect fake-date. Infume clicked his name and opened up their DMs.
The cursor blinked mockingly in the empty textbox. Is he even awake? It's almost 10 PM for him… might as well try. Infume's fingers hovered over the keyboard, trembling slightly.
infume: ok so i have a really big favor t
infume: long story but i kind of need you to fake bein
infume: hax im really sorry to ask but can yo
He deleted every single draft of his message, anxiety spiraling. What if Hax thought he was weird for even suggesting this? What if Hax hated him and didn't want to be his friend anymore? He really, really didn't want to think about the possibility of ruining their friendship. But what would he do instead? Maybe I should just confess and let them build their stupid, godawful Tinder profile…
No. He had to at least try. Hax was a genuinely nice person anyway; surely he would understand where Infume was coming from, even if he ultimately turned down the plan. He wasn't even actually asking Hax out, there was literally no reason for him to be so nervous. Taking a deep breath, Infume typed everything out in a rush and hit enter several times in succession before he could talk himself out of it again.
infume: hax i have a really big favor to ask of you. don't feel pressured to agree though
infume: would you be fine with being my fake boyfriend for a while?? i have to get one within like the next hour or i'm cooked
infume: LOOK i know it sounds really bad but its a long story and i really need this and i think it would be a good prank anyways. i'll explain if you ask me to
infume: please
An agonizing silence followed. Then, the little texting indicator appeared at the bottom of his screen.
hax is typing...
Oh god—oh god, regret hit him instantly. Maybe he should just call the whole thing off right now and type out a nvm and be honest with his friends and go back to—
hax: sure why not, i guess it could be a funny bit
hax: how did you even end up in this situation LOL
Infume let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Hax didn't hate him. Better yet, his friends would finally stop trying to get him a girlfriend in their severely misguided attempts to help with his social anxiety.
As the initial wave of relief washed over him, a lingering thought popped into his head. Did he technically count as an e-dater now? …That wasn't something he wanted to consider in the slightest. The answer was an absolute no anyways. It was an arrangement. An optimization method of sorts.
He leaned back in his chair, staring at his DMs. In a way, picking Hax for this insane ruse was one of the safest options his brain could have possibly grabbed onto. If he had fabricated a fake girlfriend, Feinberg would have demanded a name, a social media handle, or an explanation as to why she never showed up in calls. But Hax was integrated into his life, and they talked fairly frequently already.
More importantly, there was zero risk of things getting… weird. Their romantic relationship was completely platonic, entirely fake, and safely insulated within the bounds of a joke between two guys. There was no real world to compromise, no emotional vulnerability to stress over.
As he looked at the reply on his screen, he was mostly just incredibly grateful that Hax had agreed to his plan, and also relieved that Hax hadn't blocked him on the spot. For now, that was more than enough.
infume: oh my god thank you so much
infume: ok long story short hbg was bullying me for not having a girlfriend again except it escalated. they were literally building a tinder profile for me on screenshare
infume: hax i was going to actually jump out my window
infume: so i did something kind of stupid and said i was already seeing someone but i'm not seeing anyone
hax: lmao who did that, poundy?
infume: YES POUNDY. WHO ELSE. some of the others were also instigating it obviously but poundy was the one driving the vehicle ykwim
infume: anyways thank you so much again for doing this i know its stupid
hax: wait so you need to prove you have a secret girlfriend now?
infume: yeah but i told them my partner wasn't comfortable sharing their identity yet to buy time
infume: also i realized i literally cannot ask any girls i know because that would be kinda confusing and kinda scary and basically all my other friends are taken or in hbg or im just not that familar with them
infume: in the end you came to mind because youre single and we're good friends and you commit to bits
hax: true i am a master of the craft
hax: the mine craft
infume: please take this seriously
hax: sorry
hax: so do you have a plan or are we coming up with that now
infume: well im about to go live to stream ranked because i panicked and left the hbg vc and i need to look like im doing normal things and i also need an excuse to not be responding to their pings rn
infume: dude you should vc me after a bit
infume: wait but you usually go to bed early and its kinda late for you right
hax: yeah usually but i can stay up. it makes it more believable anyway right? like if im breaking my schedule just to hang out with you it looks like somethings up
hax: we all know feinberg is going to vod review our relationship we need to make the details count
infume: wait thats actually smart. ok so you join and i’ll act surprised that you're up this late
infume: also should we attempt something like pet names to make it obvious? i feel like if we just act normal they wont buy it when i tell them but i also dont want to do too much all at once because thats suspicious
hax: uh. like what? like babe??
infume: yeah or like honey or whatever people say. lets try it now so its not weird on stream
infume: say it
hax: bro okay hold on.
hax: hey babe how are your ranked games going
infume: oh my god i actually just shuddered reading that
infume: thats so cursed coming from you
hax: DUDE its not that easy to type out either
hax: maybe if we use one on stream and immediately move on it'll look like we’re secretly dating and trying to hide it but accidentally slipped up
hax: that feels like peak bait no?
infume: ok true we wont ban the pet names yet. we can try to drop one naturally and see if it works i guess
infume: we wont use them otherwise though. id prefer if you didnt send me that again
infume: im going live now, give it like twenty minutes and then call me
hax: glgl
hax: dont choke your first match sweetie
infume: shut up
Minutes later, Infume adjusted his earbuds, staring at his second monitor. His chat was scrolling at its usual steady pace, entirely oblivious to the psychological warfare occurring in his DMs. On his primary monitor, the Ranked client was loaded up, his character standing in the practice map overworld.
A sharp ping! rang in his ears. Then another.
Just ignore it. If I look at my Discord notifications on stream and panic, chat will notice. They're just trying to bait me. They know I'm live. He booted up his practice maps with a slightly trembling hand, desperately trying to lock into his usual gameplay, but his movement felt terrible.
After he finally started queuing, a couple matches passed in a blur. Infume was down nearly forty elo in less than an hour, his commentary reduced to uneasy mumbling and annoyed whining. It's been way over twenty minutes. Where in the world is he? Is he going to call soon? What if he backs out? No, Hax wouldn't do that, he promised. He wouldn't.
Right on cue, the familiar chime of an incoming voice call rang through his ears. Infume swallowed hard, before letting out a breath that caught slightly in his throat. He had to play this cautiously.
"Hold on, someone is calling me on Discord..." Infume muttered aloud to his chat, trying to pitch his voice into something like confusion. "Hax? Why isn't he asleep?" He clicked the accept button, maintaining his vaguely baffled face for the camera.
"Yo," Infume said, carefully keeping his eyes glued to the screen as he axed the blazes in front of him.
"Yo," Hax’s voice echoed back, crisp and light. "You're actually throwing this seed, by the way. Look at your inventory. Why the hell do you still have two shovels in the fort? I thought you were better than this, Infume."
Infume’s eyes widened slightly as he glanced down at his hotbar. Shit, he was right. He had somehow doubled up on stone shovels during his run.
"Dude, I—shut up, I'm on—look, I'm on good pace, I'm leaving the fort, I’m fine," Infume shot back, a little more defensively than he intended as his fingers twitched slightly on his keyboard. "Why are you even awake? It’s, like, 11 PM for you, right?"
There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. Infume could almost hear the gears turning in Hax’s head as he realized he had already completely deviated from the incredibly bare-bones script they had thrown together barely an hour prior.
"Uh. Well," Hax started, his tone dipping into something a little more hesitant. "I couldn’t sleep."
"You always sleep," Infume pointed out, narrowing his eyes at a nice chunk of terrain as he swapped to his pearls. "Your sleep schedule is really important to you. Off the top of my head, I can only think of maybe two times that you didn't follow your schedule outside of tourneys."
"Yeah, but..." Hax murmured. The teasing edge had completely drained from his tone, replaced by something softer and entirely too earnest. "I wanted to see how your games were going. And also, like, you know. I really wanted to talk to you."
Infume’s brain completely short-circuited.Who allowed him to say it like that? Who allowed him to even use those words in the first place?? He was in the middle of going for a boat clutch, aiming for a steep drop down a cliff to second portal coords. Hax's words made his wrist jerk violently. He placed the boat entirely too late, and his character hit the ground as his health bar plummeted.
"Oh, uh—okay. T-that's, um, nice," Infume sputtered, his voice jumping an octave as heat began to creep up his neck. He scrambled to eat a golden carrot, his hands shaking so badly he nearly dropped his mouse.
"I mean like—just to, I dunno, talk about Ranked. Obviously," Hax added hastily, sounding suddenly frantic, as if realizing how incredibly loud the silence from Infume’s side had been.
"Yeah. Obviously," Infume muttered, sinking slightly lower into his chair, praying his webcam wasn't picking up the exact shade of pink his face had turned.
For a few agonizing seconds, the only audio on stream was Minecraft sounds as Infume tried to reset his focus. Hax swiftly cleared the air by pointing out some weird movement from a skeleton, and Infume eagerly latched onto the distraction. As the minutes ticked by, the initial awkwardness began to melt away, substituted by the comfortable rhythm of their usual dynamic. For the next hour or two, they talked. They jumped between various topics: the current state of the Ranked leaderboard, what they would do if every pigeon on Earth gained human-level intelligence, and the recent searchcrafting meta.
"Did you see Feinberg’s stream yesterday?" Hax asked, a familiar, bright laugh bubbling through the microphone. "He was crashing out because like, three different people sent a one-eye against him and they all hit. He looked like he was about to punch his monitor or something."
"Serves him right," Infume said, a genuine smile breaking through his earlier tension. "The universe is just balancing out his luck. Maybe this is a sign."
"Wait, what if—what if Ranked had an official spite meter built into the UI?" Hax yapped, inventing a new hypothetical for himself to get invested in. "Like, a little bar at the top of your screen. Every time you get horrible blaze rates or an evil stronghold or your dragon behaves like a brick, your spite meter builds up. And once it's completely full, the game is forced to give you a looting three RP just to apologize."
Infume snorted as he boated for a magma ravine. "How would you even code that? Although… if you add a spite meter, the top of the leaderboard would just be whoever is the angriest. Feinberg would be rank one permanently. He'd actually be unstoppable."
"Exactly! Acting spiteful would become a skill!" Hax laughed, his voice filled with amusement. "You’d have to optimize your complaining just to trigger the pity seeds. You’d be so good at that, Infume. Your spite meter would constantly be overflowing."
"Hey—Hax, I don't—I don't really complain that much," Infume objected, though there was no real heat behind it.
"Sure, sure, we can pretend that you don't," Hax giggled. "I've definitely never seen you tilt queue and whine the whole time. That's never happened in my life."
Despite the return of their familiar banter, Infume was playing horribly. His movement, usually clean and frictionless, was awful. He missed easy pearls. He blew himself up while trying to zero cycle. He was losing elo at an alarming rate, dropping matches he should've won easily. His nerves were completely killing his ability to focus, and felt hyperaware of the invisible audience of HBG members who were undoubtedly lurking in his chat.
"Dude, I'm actually so chopped today," Infume groaned, slumping down in his chair after he just finished reviewing a particularly brutal loss that tanked his elo even further. He rubbed his eyes, letting out a long, defeated sigh as he got another queue. "My mechanics feel awful."
"You're not chopped, you're just—you seem distracted," Hax replied. "Just take a second, and like… and breathe, ba—... uh, br... bro."
The word hung in the air like a lead weight.
Infume froze entirely, his character also freezing in the middle of swimming to the nearby shipwreck. Did he just attempt to—oh my god. "Did you just try to call me 'babe' and switch to 'bro'?" Infume asked, his voice cracking as his heart lept into his throat.
"What? No! Nonononono," Hax’s voice escalated instantly, a hurried, high-pitched flurry of words as he scrambled to recover. "I said—I just stammered! I was going to say 'bro', or maybe like, ‘buddy’ or something and it came out kinda weird. Don't flatter yourself."
Infume miserably pulled his hoodie over his face, which was burning as the sheer embarrassment of the moment washed over him. We're so dogshit at this. We're the worst actors on the planet. He pointedly ignored the wall of question marks in his chat. I'm going to be seeing this on Twitter. "I—You stuttered over a one syllable word, Hax."
"I didn't! I literally didn't!" Hax protested, though he was laughing nervously now, the sound completely giving away how flustered he actually was. "It like, it happens to everyone, okay? You're just reading into things because your brain is fried from the evil game known as MCSR Ranked."
"I haven't—I haven't even been in queue for—I haven't even been live for three hours," Infume squeaked out, his own anxiety causing his words to trip over one another as he swam to the ocean surface, his character almost dead from drowning. "And you—you literally said 'ba'. There's no 'A' in 'bro', Hax. Unless you were… like, going to call me a baby. Were you going to call me a baby?"
"Nonono, I wasn't—" Hax cut himself off, pausing as he processed the strained edge in Infume’s voice. He immediately gave up on his defense. Backtracking frantically, Hax’s voice dropped into a much more apologetic tone. "I'm sorry, okay Infume? I don't know why we're arguing over this. I was just—I didn't mean to make it weird. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry."
Infume stared at his monitor, a pang of guilt overtaking his initial panic. Hax had folded almost instantly, completely misreading his embarrassment as anger but prioritizing his comfort anyway. He folded despite the fact that the pet name thing (or even the entire fake relationship) was Infume's stupid idea in the first place. In his chest, the familiar knot of anxiety gave way to a completely different kind of ache.
"NO—no, it's fine!" Infume blurted out quickly, trying to inject some lightheartedness back into his voice. "I actually thought—uh, like—it didn't annoy me. It was... it was funny. Buddy."
There was a brief silence on the line before Hax let out a relieved laugh. "Please never call me buddy like that again."
"Whatever, dude," Infume muttered, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips despite himself. He looked at his elo, which was currently in the gutter, and then at his viewer list, which showed that several of his friends were watching. The tension in his shoulders was unbearable, and he exited both the queue and the private room he was running. "Alright, I'm—um… well, I'm actually playing really badly today and my mental is completely cooked. I'm going to end stream early and get some rest. Sorry for the short stream. Uh… bye!"
He abruptly hit the end stream button while also disconnecting from the call, bringing his room into sudden silence. The screen went black so fast his chat didn't even get a proper chance to say goodbye. Immediately, Infume received several Discord pings.
hax: INFUME IM SO SORRY
hax: IM SORRY INFUME
infume: NEVER AGAIN.
infume: WE ARE NEVER DOING PET NAMES AGAIN. THAT WAS THE MOST PAINFUL FEW SECONDS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE HAX I AM NOT JOKING I ALMOST DIED
hax: LOOOOL IM SO SORRY MY BRAIN KIND OF LOST IT. I DONT USUALLY STAY UP THIS LATE OK????
hax: i thought "ok say something nice" and my mouth tried to combine babe and bro and it came out as a horrific wet noise
hax: yes ok ban on pet names forever
infume: bro thank god because my heart cant do that again
hax: so did it work
hax: i mean, it WAS a slip up. just not in the way we intended
infume: i have 39 pings from the hbg server and some others have dmed me
hax: omg who dmed you
infume: well like four different people already messaged me but fein is special because he sent a mini essay. ill get the screenshots hold on
hax: ooo let me see
hax: theyre kinda like a jury looking at the evidence if you think about it
infume: [Attachment: feinberg_dm.png]
feinberg: infume.
feinberg: what the actual hell was that stream??
feinberg: hax is awake at midnight his time, joining your call out of nowhere, and then he "accidentally" tries to call you babe??
feinberg: are you guys trying to pull a fast one right now???
feinberg: because the timing of you leaving the vc earlier because of the gf jokes and then this happening is incredibly fucking suspicious
feinberg: like i know you guys are good friends but if youre staging a fake bf thing to get us off your back its like a 2/10 execution. are you stupid????
feinberg: bro do you think im 12??????
feinberg: be honest with me right now because theres no shot this is real
feinberg: also since when did you like men
feinberg: infume i am literally looking at the clips rn you guys are awful actors
feinberg: how much did you pay him
feinberg: if youre going to lie to my face AT LEAST try to make it convincing
hax: LMAO hes so mad
hax: "2/10 execution" hes so mean i think i did at least a 4/10 job recovering from my blunder
infume: hax im literally sweating reading it i hate this so much. what do i even type back to "since when did you like men" ??
hax: oh yeah didnt you tell them you had a girlfriend
infume: no i just said i was seeing someone. i didnt want to give them any details
infume: they just assumed that, because well obviously everyone assumes that
Because I've always assumed that. Something twisted in the pit of Infume’s stomach as he stared at the glowing white text of Feinberg’s messages. Since when did you like men? It wasn't a malicious question, and Fein was clearly just being his usual direct self. He had spent his entire life operating under the assumption that he was straight, because that was the default. The sudden shift to being scrutinized in a different way felt jarring. What can I even respond with? None of this means anything anyways; I don't know what to tell him. A ping from Hax's response snapped him out of his thoughts.
hax: well if you get too defensive he'll know somethings up so you should be chill about it. maybe just say you didnt tell anyone because you knew he would react like that
infume: im sending him that and im also telling him to go outside
infume: ok and then couri dmed me this im actually going to lose my mind
infume: [Attachment: couriway_dm.png]
Couriway: I just saw the clips from stream as well as whatever's going in the hbg server
Couriway: Feinberg is cooking a whole conspiracy theory right now about you guys staging it. he's convinced the timing is too perfect. honestly, he might be right, it did look pretty suspicious
Couriway: But… idk dude. you guys talk a lot, you have the exact same awful humor, and you both understand each other enough
Couriway: I can actually see you and hax dating each other. it weirdly makes sense? if it's real, congrats, but please tell hax to log off and sleep
hax: huh thats a nice message from couriway. he usually bullies you
hax: but he is a nice guy and this is a serious manner so i guess it makes sense
infume: why did he say that though
infume: what could he possibly mean by "i can actually see you and hax dating each other"
hax: i think hes just being polite. we do have good chemistry as friends anyways so its probably a throwaway line
infume: thats fair thats fair
infume: you do need to get along with anyone youre dating
hax: so are we just saying thanks for potentially believing us
infume: ill tell him that fein is stupid and that he shouldnt listen to him
infume: the next one is the worst one im actually going to set poundys pc on fire
infume: [Attachment: weneedtokillpoundy.png]
President Poundcake: www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/marriage-and-couples-counseling
President Poundcake: Noticed some tension on stream tonight between you two. If you didn't know, communication is key in relationships! Stay strong kings 🙏🙏
infume: like between this and the tinder profile im considering blocking him
hax: yeaaahh it might be best to ignore him LOL
hax: also didnt you say there were four people whos the last one
infume: it was fulham. his message is short
infume: [Attachment: fulham_dm.png]
fulham: i'm so sorry for your loss
hax: ????
hax: loss of what? your elo??
infume: maybe my dignity
hax: why is he even awake right now
infume: ill just question mark him and call it a day
infume: ok everyones been dealt with. besides the pings in the hbg server but im not planning on responding to those
infume: i read some of their messages though. the general consensus is that like half of them are on the fence, maybe like 25% believe us, and then 25% think its completely fake
hax: we definitely need to come up with lore before someone like fein corners you
hax: lets make a timeline. when did we start dating? how long has this been happening?
infume: oh god youre right. ummm
infume: well in the vc i blurted out that it was "recent" because i panicked so idk
infume: so maybe like a month ago? or three weeks?
hax: let's say three weeks. three weeks is good. its long enough that it's an established thing, but recent enough that it explains why you havent mentioned it yet
hax: and if anyone asks who confessed first, it was definitely you. you were completely smitten by my b2b playoffs wins
infume: ???? which one of us stayed up past our bedtime to watch the other lose like 150 elo
hax: i am sacrificing my health for your survival infume
hax: do you know what time it is for me right now??
infume: what time IS it for you?
infume: wait
infume: HAX
infume: go to sleep!! oh my god your sleep schedule is literally going to be destroyed. go to bed right now
hax: nooo wait we still need to iron out our lore
hax: i am really sleepy though hmmmm
hax: decisions decisions
infume: we can figure that out tomorrow
infume: stop trying to ragebait i know you want to go to bed
hax: ohhhh i guess my sleep deprived brain didnt consider that we could do it later
infume: shut up we both know you already thought of that
hax: ok fine im hopping off
hax: wait no im not
infume: literally what is it this time
hax: its getting late for you as well right? its almost 10 pm for you which is the time that i have my bedtime alarm for
hax: you need sleep too. no more doomscrolling until 4 am
hax: if we're dating each other then you have to wake up earlier so you can actually talk to me
infume: oh
infume: ok look im not going to sleep right now but i wont doomscroll until 4 am
infume: ill go to sleep earlier… maybe at 1 or 2 am
hax: thats still bad but its slightly better so im holding you to that
hax: goodnight infume
infume: gn hax. thanks again
hax: dude anytime
Infume turned off his PC with a definitive click, the sudden absence of the screen's glow plunging his bedroom into a quiet dimness. He leaned back against his pillows, staring up at the dark ceiling, the silence of the room suddenly feeling incredibly heavy.
His mind was buzzing, refusing to settle down despite how exhausted he felt. He kept circling back to Couri's message.
“I can actually see you and Hax dating each other. It weirdly makes sense.”
Why did he say that? Infume frowned in the dark, a knot of confusion tightening in his chest. He and Hax were just friends. Good friends, sure. They understood each other well because they both knew how it felt to be at the top. They shared the same brainrotted humor and spent hours talking about both MCSR and meaningless nonsense… but those were just interactions between friends. That was normal behavior. The idea that there was something inherently intimate or romantic about their dynamic—something obvious enough for their friends to look at a few clips and go, yeah, that makes sense—felt deeply unsettling to him.
And as for Hax himself… well, he really didn't want me to be uncomfortable, Infume thought, recalling how quickly Hax had backtracked and apologized on stream the moment he thought Infume was genuinely upset by the slip-up.
It was a strange, unfamiliar feeling. Infume was used to being the butt of the joke. It didn't usually bother him much, it was simply what he was accustomed to. But Hax didn't push when it mattered. Hax was… gentle. That's kind of an odd adjective to be using. Why that the first thing my brain conjured? Maybe I really should go to sleep.
His eyes drifted to his phone on the nightstand. The screen lit up with a few final, lingering notifications from HBG, which he promptly swiped away. He didn't want to think about Feinberg's analysis or Poundy's trolling when his brain was entirely fried.
He's going to hold me to that promise, isn't he?
Infume sighed, picking up his phone. He navigated to his clock app, hesitating for a moment before he set an alarm for 1:30 AM. It wasn't a perfect sleep schedule by any means—Hax would probably still call it terrible—but it was a compromise. A deal was a deal, and keeping his word felt like the least he could do for Hax after everything he had to put up with tonight.
With the alarm set, Infume opened TikTok and let the mindless algorithm take over. He slumped down into his pillows, shifting until he found a comfortable spot, and deliberately let the noise drown out the remaining static in his head, content to let the logistics of their relationship remain a problem for tomorrow.