Archive of Our Own

Words do not change, no matter how many times you reread them. The moment a text leaves the author's pen, every sentence freezes, like an insect trapped in amber. All that remains for these words and sentences is to be perceived by the reader.

Hundreds of people cannot look at the same work with identical emotions. And as we grow older, our perspective on what we read shifts as well.

Yet, Dokja is not the amber. Dokja is the resin that has been flowing around the words for years, wrapping them in new meanings the author never intended to instill.

When you read a single story for as long as Dokja has, you simply cannot continue to perceive it the same way you did ten years ago. From the moment she first opened TWSA until now, her perception of this story had been in a constant state of flux.

Yoo Joonghyuk was once like a father to her. As she grew older while he remained frozen in time, Joonghyuk became an older brother. Now, when Dokja's age had surpassed Joonghyuk's age at the beginning of each of his regressions, he remained her oldest friend and lifelong companion. Even if he had no inkling of it.
But there was another figure from whom Dokja could not tear her eyes away.

Lee Seolhwa was, and always had been, an unattainable ideal to her. Growing up, Dokja would reread the text fragments featuring this woman over and over again. She read them and dreamed of becoming just like Lee Seolhwa.

With Yoo Joonghyuk, everything was simple. He changed in her eyes because she herself was changing. But Lee Seolhwa... Seolhwa was always at the exact same distance. Neither closer nor further away. Perfect, like a theorem you have memorized but will never be able to prove on your own.

Her dreams would forever remain just dreams—she had understood this since childhood. No matter how hard she tried, Dokja was not a protagonist, so hoping to become even a fraction like her was an exercise in futility.

The even lines of text—that was all she had left. They were the only place where she could draw closer to this ideal. There was no point in even trying anything new when she already knew exactly who she truly was.

7:00 p.m. on the clock. This exact time split her life into a "before" and an "after."

What do the protagonists of isekai novels feel when they are transported into the world of their favorite story? Now, Kim Dokja knew the answer to that question all too well.

She felt her own breath too sharply, as if it did not belong to her. Her skin still remembered the touch of the text, but now it felt the wind. It was as though a character on a page had suddenly looked right back at their reader.

To see all those monsters in reality, to find solutions for every new scenario, and to meet characters you had read about for half your life…

It was a bizarre sensation. She wasn't supposed to exist in this world; there was no place for her among the pages of text, yet somehow she was here. And since she had been given this chance, she would make absolutely sure that her protagonist would finally get his "happy ending."

People say, "Never meet your heroes." And to some extent, Dokja had to agree.

Her first meeting with Yoo Joonghyuk had gifted her the unforgettable experience of being dropped off a bridge straight into the jaws of an ichthyosaur. Of course, she had suspected he might pull something like that, but… you didn't exactly have to try and murder someone during a first introduction, you stupid sunfish!

With Lee Seolhwa, however… everything turned out to be far more complicated. In reality, she proved to be even more breathtakingly beautiful than Dokja had ever imagined. Dokja simply could not tear her eyes away. She caught herself studying the curve of her crimson lips, the way a strand of silver hair fell across her face whenever the wind picked up, and the sheer confidence with which she carried herself. It wasn't merely "beautiful." It felt right. It was as though Seolhwa were not a character, but the answer to a question Dokja didn't even know how to articulate.

Dokja was certain that she was just as merciful and righteous as the novel had portrayed her, but their very first encounter was overshadowed by the Parasite Queen, Antinus, who had seized control of the heroine's body.

Seeing that exquisite face utterly devoid of emotion and being forced to fight her was not an experience Dokja ever wished to relive. Despite her own resolve in battle, Lee Seolhwa was the last person Dokja wanted to hurt, if given a choice.

It brought an immense wave of relief to see her eyes alive again—even if clouded with pain after the acupuncture—and to hear her true voice. Dokja wished she had more time to talk to her, but she only managed to bring up Yoo Joonghyuk before duty called her back to the battle against Antinus. She sincerely hoped someone would take care of Seolhwa while she herself attempted to clear the scenario. Though, deep down, she truly wanted to linger for just a brief moment, if only to make sure the doctor was alright after her chaotic brand of "treatment."

Their next meeting proved to be no less… catastrophic, puns aside.

Was it some kind of curse unique to Dokja—to absolutely have to be on the brink of death whenever she interacted with her favorite characters? Although she had seen Seolhwa once before, even if only in passing, this time she was genuinely dying. Perhaps her luck had simply run dry.

Seeing the panicked faces of both Joonghyuk and Seolhwa felt surreal. As if they truly did not want her to pass away. However, since Seolhwa was a doctor, Dokja didn't pay it much mind. There was no reason for them to worry: Dokja would resurrect soon enough, and her current… wound was definitely beyond the healing arts of even the "Immortal Doctor."

Dokja had to admit: having the breathtaking faces of the main protagonists as the last thing you see was certainly not the worst way to go. In her final moment, she looked straight into Lee Seolhwa's eyes. The words caught in her throat as the Star Stream indifferently announced:

"Dokja-ssi," a voice called out from behind her.

Dokja tore her gaze away from watching her companions train for the upcoming battle against the 73rd Demon King and looked back. Lee Seolhwa was approaching her with a gentle smile, her hands tucked neatly into the pockets of her white medical coat. It seemed as though the time spent in the apocalypse hadn't affected her in the slightest—she still looked absolutely flawless. Dokja couldn't help but feel a pang of envy; even in the peaceful days before the scenarios, she had never managed to look so put-together and serene.

It was strange to realize that this was, in fact, their very first proper conversation alone since they had met. They had interacted briefly during the sixth scenario, but back then, Dokja’s head had been entirely consumed by thoughts of the 41st regression Shin Yoosung’s soul and restoring her own resurrection powers. True, even then she had caught herself lingering her gaze on this woman whenever they were near. But Dokja had preferred not to dwell on it.

"Seolhwa-ssi, how are things?" Dokja smiled, feeling a bit awkward. She didn't understand what had prompted Seolhwa to approach her. Maybe she was looking for Joonghyuk? Dokja hadn't seen him around lately. In fact, she had assumed they were sticking together.

"Actually, that is exactly what I wanted to ask you, Dokja-ssi. How are you feeling? I don't imagine being eaten by an Outer God is a pleasant experience. Your body seems to have recovered, but I would like to check it just in case. If Dokja-ssi doesn't mind, of course."

Not that Kim Dokja really had a choice. The smile Lee Seolhwa directed at her somehow felt rather… ominous. Yes, it was always best not to argue with doctors. Perhaps Dokja would have learned this lesson sooner if she had actually possessed the money to visit those doctors in the past. So now, her first-ever medical checkup awaited her—and it was directly from the heroine of her favorite novel.

For some reason, a strange, fluttery feeling stirred in her stomach. Well, it seemed a checkup wouldn't hurt.

"Of course, if Seolhwa-ssi deems it necessary. Are we… doing this right here?" Dokja smiled awkwardly, glancing around their makeshift training grounds.

The children hadn't noticed she was no longer watching them, but Jung Heewon was already staring intently in her direction. Dokja merely raised a hand and waved, hoping the gesture would reassure her comrade that she wasn't about to wander off and die somewhere again. (She was lying to herself, of course, because the gesture did nothing to help. In the background, the Fourth Wall predictably whispered its favorite phrase: [ Kim Dok ja is an id iot. ])

"No, not here. One of the city clinics has survived relatively intact, so we can use it. Let's go."

And Lee Seolhwa… took her by the hand to lead her away. Huh. Did she think Dokja would run away? Not that such an anxiety was entirely groundless, but for Dokja herself, the sensation was far too bizarre. Lately, the only ones grabbing her hands were the children, so walking like this with a peer—especially with Lee Seolhwa—caused a vivid blush to flare up all the way to her ears. She silently prayed that her palm wasn't damp with nervous sweat.

Where was the Fourth Wall when she actually needed it?

Dokja spent the short walk to the surviving building lost in her own thoughts, cursing the Fourth Wall and completely failing to notice the doctor’s attentive gaze fixed upon her.

The clinic turned out to be in decent condition despite the battles that had swept through the area. Inside, much to Dokja's surprise, it was rather pleasant. There was no oppressive stench of rubbing alcohol or fear—just overly bright walls, medical equipment, and strange instruments whose purposes were unknown to Dokja scattered here and there.

"Sit on the examination table while I look for the tools I need," Lee Seolhwa walked over to the desk in the office and began pulling out drawers. "When was the last time Dokja-ssi visited a doctor? And are there any chronic illnesses I should know about?"

"Well…" How was she supposed to tell her new doctor that she hadn't stepped foot inside a hospital in over ten years, and the last time she had ended up there was after a suicide attempt? Absolutely not. She wouldn't do it.

Hearing nothing but silence in response, Seolhwa paused her search and looked up at Dokja, who was examining an entirely blank wall with exceptional interest. Seolhwa let out a soft sigh and gave her a disappointed look.

"Dokja-ssi should take better care of her health. Being able to resurrect after death is not a panacea, you know?"

"Well… now I have Seolhwa-ssi to take care of my health, right?" Dokja smiled awkwardly, hoping to drop the subject that way.

"We will talk about this later."

At that moment, a shiver ran down Kim Dokja's spine. Joking with doctors was a terrible idea—a truth she was about to learn from firsthand experience.

The first time Dokja truly wanted to bolt was when she saw a neurological hammer in her doctor's hands. That definitely did not bode well, especially given Seolhwa's sickeningly sweet smile. Dokja looked around frantically, only to realize that the office had no windows to jump out of, and the door was positioned closer to Seolhwa than to her. Oh hell, she really had no way out, did she?

"Actually, Dokja-ssi," she felt a cold sweat break out along her back at the far too gentle tone of the woman's voice.

It felt as though Seolhwa were speaking not to a rational adult woman, but to a wild alley cat she wanted to coax and take home. Dokja steeled her willpower, suppressing her body's instinctive urge to tremble.

"I am curious. In the battle with the Outer God, you lost both legs, which fully regenerated after your resurrection. I would love to conduct a deeper study into this phenomenon, but since we are pressed for time, I will only check your reflexes."

When Han Sooyoung called her a rat, Dokja certainly didn't think it meant a laboratory lab rat! Seolhwa-ssi, where is the kindness and mercy promised by the novel?! Terrifying a poor reader is definitely not an act of humanity!

"Of course. I don't mind. Whatever Seolhwa-ssi deems necessary, she can do," 'Just no experiments, I beg of you,' Dokja added mentally. During her time in the scenarios, she had seen enough of her own entrails, and she did not need another such experience.

Seolhwa pulled up a chair and sat directly opposite her. Before Dokja could even compose herself, the hammer tapped softly beneath her knee, and her leg involuntarily jerked. It didn't hurt nearly as much as she had anticipated.

"It seems the total loss of limbs has had no impact on your physical condition. Though I am certain Dokja-ssi’s mental health has definitely suffered from being inside an Outer God. But unfortunately, I am not a psychotherapist."

The doctor stood up and went back to the table, searching for something. Dokja let out a sigh of relief and looked down at her "affected" knees.

"I don't think it's possible to find anyone mentally sane right now, Seolhwa-ssi. We are living in an apocalypse, after all."

"True enough. Now, take off your coat and unbutton your shirt, please."

…

"Huh?.."

Dokja stared at Seolhwa in sheer shock. She physically felt a ringing silence settle over her mind after those words. Even the Fourth Wall, for the first time in a long while, failed to offer a single comment. It took a full five seconds for her brain to process what she had heard, and Dokja felt a burning blush instantly spread across her entire body, reaching the very tips of her fingers. Her mouth suddenly went completely dry.

Lee Seolhwa stepped closer, smiling innocently. She raised her hand and displayed… a stethoscope? It seemed that was what the thing was called.

"I will check your heartbeat, it won't take long. Actually, you don't have to take off your coat either. I just need access to your chest, so unbuttoning your shirt will be quite enough."

"…Of course."

'Fourth Wall, a little help here? Seolhwa-ssi is going to think I have tachycardia at this rate.'

Naturally, no response came. Deal with this situation on your own, Kim Dokja. Someday she would definitely learn how to turn off this stupid skill by herself.

With slow, hesitant movements, she unbuttoned the shirt all the way down to her stomach and suddenly froze as she remembered that she hadn't worn a bra in ages. Her first one had burned away in the flames of a fire dragon early on in the scenarios, and after that, she hadn't really been in the mood to go hunting for new undergarments. Ultimately, in their current living conditions, it wasn't exactly an essential part of a wardrobe. In fact, she had even felt a sense of relief when she realized she no longer had to endure the torment of the heat and chafing beneath her chest.

But now, it had come back to bite her.

"Don't worry so much, Dokja-ssi. I am not using any invasive methods right now."

Seolhwa pressed the cold diaphragm of the stethoscope against her skin. If Dokja hadn't possessed a passive resistance to cold, she would have definitely flinched. It was only thanks to the skill, whose existence she often forgot about, that she managed to remain motionless. She was truly grateful for the twist of fate that had allowed her to acquire it back then.

Nevertheless, Dokja nearly shuddered from pure awkwardness. She was forced to sit completely still in the silence, far too close—for her liking—to the doctor, and endure another person's warm hand resting practically against her chest.

After shifting the position of the stethoscope a few more times, Lee Seolhwa placed it back on the desk and looked into Dokja's face once more.

"Your heartbeat is surprisingly calm and steady. I am amazed that anyone can remain so unfazed in our situation. It's good, there is no arrhythmia or murmurs. To my surprise, Dokja-ssi possesses quite a robust constitution."

Calm and steady? In a situation like this?! Well, it seemed even walls had a conscience. The Fourth Wall had taken pity on her and forcibly stabilized her pulse.

"To your surprise..? Why?"

"Well, by all indications," Seolhwa looked at her with a somewhat… disappointed(?!) expression. "Before the scenarios began, Dokja-ssi didn't care about proper nutrition at all and, furthermore, completely ignored doctors. The fact that you don't have a stomach ulcer or an eating disorder is already a miracle."

Dokja certainly had no intention of telling the heroine about the conditions she had grown up and lived in. Something told her that after such a confession, she would definitely get acquainted with the wrath of this "merciful" woman. To hell with this novel—Lee Seolhwa was definitely sweeter in the text! Perhaps it was all due to the way Joonghyuk perceived her?..

"By the way," when Dokja raised her head again, which she had managed to lower under the weight of her gloomy thoughts, Seolhwa was already sitting in front of her with a notepad and a pen.

Where did she even get those? It was unlikely that her medical coat possessed pockets with their own sub-space, like the coats worn by Dokja or Joonghyuk.

"Usually, this is the first thing I do during a checkup, but my curiosity got the better of me," the doctor said, clicking her pen. "I need to take your medical history. Under normal circumstances, I would have found out some of this through tests, but in today's world, that isn't as important. So I will just ask a few questions."

Dokja genuinely disliked being interrogated.

"Alright. Ask whatever you need."

"Excellent. What is your full age?"

"Twenty-eight."

"Height?"

"176 centimeters."

"Weight?"

"I don't know exactly… Somewhere around 55 kilograms?"

"Hm, Dokja-ssi truly needs to eat better," Seolhwa quickly jotted something down. "Do you have any complaints regarding your health or well-being?"

"No. Unless you count the fact that I recently spent four days without legs as a complaint."

Dokja smiled ironically, but Seolhwa didn't look impressed by her dark humor.

"Any medication you took on a regular basis before the scenarios?"

"Nothing except painkillers during menstruation."

"Any bad habits?"

"A severe phone addiction, perhaps."

"And dying."

This time, it was Seolhwa who smiled, while Dokja merely squinted her eyes in mock offense, looking at her with quiet disapproval.

"Alright… And one last thing," Seolhwa casually turned the page. "What is going on between you and Yoo Joonghyuk?"

Kim Dokja instantly choked on the air and burst into a fit of loud coughing.

"What?!"

That was definitely not the question Dokja had anticipated.

"We are… companions. Where did that question even come from, Seolhwa-ssi?" Dokja stared at her in utter bewilderment.

"You don't exactly hide the way you look at each other, Dokja-ssi. I must say, you ought to make the first move, since Joonghyuk-ssi is a man. And men, as you know, have absolutely no clue when it comes to romance."

What the hell was going on here? Shouldn't the main heroine be jealous of her canonical partner? Sooner or later, she and Joonghyuk were supposed to get together, so why was Seolhwa giving such advice to Dokja? Was she dreaming, or what?

"Our relationship is… nothing like that, Seolhwa-ssi. There is no… romance between us. Trust me, Joonghyuk would sooner kill me than kiss me."

She laughed awkwardly, trying to convince either Seolhwa or herself of this fact. The doctor merely measured her with a strange, perceptive look and smiled calculatedly.

"Interesting. Well, that concludes my questions."

She slipped the notepad and pen into her pocket and headed for the exit. Grabbing the doorknob, Seolhwa looked back at Dokja, upon whose face a single massive question mark was practically written.

"By the way, Dokja-ssi…" She lowered her gaze slightly below the reader's face and let out a quiet giggle. "Don't forget to button up your shirt before you leave."

The moment the door shut behind Seolhwa, Kim Dokja let out a high-pitched squeak of sheer embarrassment and frantically covered her exposed chest with her hands.

Kim Dokja fought against a heavy numbness in her body and a drowsiness that wrapped around her mind like tentacles. Blinking her exhausted eyes, she tried to gather her scattered thoughts. The unfamiliar ceiling overhead did nothing to help her attempts to comprehend where she was and what had actually happened.

The final moments before she lost consciousness replayed hazily in her head, and she breathed a sigh of relief upon realizing she had finally returned to her companions. However, the tight, restricted sensation in her limbs made her grow alert.

"You're awake," a quiet voice sounded from somewhere to her left.

With titanic effort, she managed to turn her head and glimpse the figure of the familiar silver-haired doctor.

"…Seolhwa-ssi?" Dokja frowned. Despite having been awake for a few minutes, the sleepiness remained so heavy that she had to consciously control every blink just to keep her eyes from shutting again.

"I don't think you're quite capable of it, but please, try not to move too much so you don't dislodge the IV," Seolhwa set aside the medical clipboard she had been jotting notes on and sat down on a chair beside the surprisingly soft and comfortable bed.

The Fourth Wall inside Dokja's head was strangely quiet, as if it, too, were trapped in a half-asleep stupor, meaning no help could be expected from it.

"I lowered your sedative dosage slightly so I could speak with you while the others are away. You know, catching a moment when you are completely alone in this room is quite a difficult task."

Sedatives? Well, that made Dokja's condition entirely clear. Perhaps she really did need a solid, deep sleep—especially after everything she had endured over the past month, and particularly after the emotional turmoil during her final moments in the 1863rd regression world line. But a medically induced coma? Whose idea was this anyway?

Lee Seolhwa smiled at her just as she used to during their rare encounters, yet something disturbingly cold now lurked within her eyes. This look bore a striking resemblance to Joonghyuk’s gaze during the moments he infuriated Dokja. Was it because they were originally husband and wife? Don't people say that in a marriage, partners begin to resemble one another? She wondered how their relationship was processing overall…

A sharp voice cut through her train of thought.

"Dokja-ssi, don't get distracted."

The doctor was looking at her with the expression of a disappointed teacher. Kim Dokja knew this look all too well, and if not for the drug-induced numbness, she would have definitely felt self-conscious under it. The only thing she was capable of right now was staring back with a completely vacant gaze, devoid of a single thought.

"Must Dokja-ssi always act so cruelly?" Seolhwa asked softly. "Three years is a long time. And even those of us who interacted with you the least felt the sharp pain of your absence."

Three years..? Oh, that explained why the children had grown so much. Dokja felt a faint ache in her heart at this realization, but she hurried to brush it away. She had absolutely no right to call herself their mother, so there was nothing to mourn over. Three years was far longer than the time that had passed for her. Damn time paradoxes.

"You know, when I first noticed the way you observe me, I thought you still suspected me after the Parasite Queen took over my body," Seolhwa continued.

…Huh? What was with this sudden shift in topic, Seolhwa-ssi?

"But later, I realized that there are some things even you do unconsciously. I didn't sense any resentment or malice from you, so at first, I assumed you watched me due to our distance, since I am often close to your, as you call him, 'companion.' However, I soon noticed that you don't look at anyone else that way. Even the way you look at Joonghyuk-ssi is entirely different from the way you look at me."

Dokja burned with a deep flush of shame at the realization that she had been caught red-handed. Had she truly stared at her that often? Why hadn't anyone dropped a single hint about it..? Surely Sangah-ssi should have said something, since the others were hopeless. Hyunsung-ssi would be far too embarrassed to bring up such a matter, and the rest of the company would likely just mock her. And the children, of course—they were still too small to notice such subtleties.

"I have felt many different gazes on me," Seolhwa said softly. "But this kind of… admiration is something I am experiencing for the first time. It seems Dokja-ssi doesn't even know what is happening in her own heart. And the feelings of others are a total mystery to you too, aren't they?"

Kim Dokja wanted to say something, to object somehow, but the moment she parted her lips, an incredible, insurmountable wave of drowsiness crashed over her. She tried with all her remaining strength to hold on and stay conscious, but resisting the sedative was futile.

Through the haze, she saw Lee Seolhwa leaning over her, a soft smile playing on her lips.

"We will definitely talk about this later, don't worry, Dokja-ssi," she whispered.

Dokja felt a gentle warmth on her crown and slender fingers carefully tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You'll think about your feelings, won't you? It would make things much easier for all of us—and for you, too."

Her feelings..? Thoughts dissolved in her mind faster than she could formulate them. Before plunging completely into darkness, the last thing she saw was Seolhwa's exquisite face and her vivid lips, curved into a satisfied smile.

'Oh, hell,' a final distinct thought managed to flash through her mind. 'I don't want to be her.'

'I want to be with her.'