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You can't remember how Roxy managed to convince you that letting Cronus spend the night would be a good idea, but you sure as hell regret letting her do so. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to be subjected to the two of them constantly hanging off each other, and also if maybe Cronus would stop trying so fucking hard to get into Roxy's pants. He probably thinks it's only a matter of time, be he couldn't be further from the truth. After all, why does he think you always tag along with the both of them instead of letting them hang out alone? Seriously, he should just give up; it's not going to happen because you're not going to let it happen. Ever.
You watch Roxy as she sits on the edge of the island counter, swinging her legs and shoving gummy worms into her mouth while Cronus leans next to her, one of his crudely clipped claws tracing along under the pink bra strap on her shoulder with a not-so-well hidden smirk.
"You knowv you're not supposed to sleep in your bra? Hear it isn't a good thing to be doing," he muses, and you actually have to scoff at how ridiculous he is.
Roxy nods with a mouthful of worms. "It's not. It's fucking uncomfortable." She picks out a green and yellow one and dangles it in front of his face. "Here, fishy fishy."
Cronus laughs and bats the candy away. "Yeah? Maybe you should take it off, then. I mean, this is a sleepovwer. I'd hate for you to be uncomfortable, doll."
"Pssshhh, always the gentleman, huh?" She grins and pokes his nose. "You don't gotta worry about me, Cro. I'm fine."
Cronus hums and stops toying with her bra strap to swipe the gummy worm from her fingers for himself before she could eat it. "If you say so, pussycat."
"Excuse you but you had your chance for dinner," She holds the bag out of reach in case he decides to get bold again. "Should'a took the bait."
"You're nevwer gonna let me livwe dowvn the fish jokes, are you?"
"Well you sort of are a fish," you chip in, interrupting whatever little moment the two of them seemed to be having. "A fish who maybe needs to learn a bit about personal boundaries, I think."
Cronus stares at you. "I'm a human."
You cannot believe this is the guy who Roxy insists on wasting her time on. "Human, right. My bad."
"Oh my god we should totally paint your nails like in all those lame ass chick flicks, then it'll be a real sleepover."
Cronus turns his attention back on Roxy and he perks up considerably. "Yeah? Alright, sure. If that's vwhat you vwant, I'll let you do that."
"Seriously? You're the best Crocro; Dirk never lets me do shit because he's no fun. He's such a tightass," she complains and tops him off with a kiss on the cheek.
You sigh. “Sorry for not wanting hot pink fingernails for a week. That shit of yours is way too permanent to be safe."
"Hell, I’ll keep ‘em pink for a vwhole perigree if it means getting another kiss," Cronus says. Roxy laughs and ruffles the hair between his horns and Cronus sinks his chin into the palm of his hand, his earfins pointing down to the floor with a lip-bitten smirk. You roll your eyes harder than you've ever done before.
They keep this up for a little bit longer, Roxy blabbing on about whatever and Cronus agreeing with everything she has to say just to keep her attention focused all on him until she announces that she wants to go pick out a movie so it'll be ready by the time the popcorn Cronus had started making is done. You follow after her, thinking it'd be nice to get a few minutes of alone time with her since you haven't had any all night.
"Hey, Dirk? You think I can talk to you for a minute?"
Oh goody.
You stop dead in your tracks and turn around to face him. "S'up?"
Cronus pushes himself up off the counter and makes his way over, an air of what you'd almost call mild contempt seemingly surrounding him. You say mild because it's not like he actually hates you or anything, but it's hard to ignore how his demeanor changes the second Roxy is out of the picture and he has to actually deal with you alone, straining to keep up the nice guy act. It's obvious to the both of you that you really only put up with each other for Roxy's sake.
"It's about Roxy."
"Of course it is."
"Look, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but you're seriously cramping my style here," he says as if you're this annoying thorn in his side, when little does he know that it's actually the other way around. "I think I'vwe got Roxy really into me right nowv, but it's kind of hard to actually do anything vwith you breathing dowvn my neck, you knowv?"
"Is that so."
"Yeah. You're sort of being a huge bulgeblock, and if vwe're being completely honest here I'd almost think you vwere doing it on purpose. But, I knowv you're not like that. You're a cool guy, especially for a lowvblood human like yourself—"
"We don't do that rainbow rank bullshit, man."
"—but seriously Strider, you'vwe got to back off."
You lift a brow and fold your arms across your chest. "Yeah, I don't think that's something I'll be doing anytime soon."
Cronus presses his lips in a flat line and takes a couple steps closer, looking you in the eye the best that he can when you're wearing your shades, his own brows bunched together.
"You knowv, if I didn't knowv any better I'd think you vwere angling for something a little black vwith me." he deduces. "You hawve been trying to keep Rox and I apart, havwen't you?"
"Am I really that obvious?"
Not realizing that that was definitely sarcasm, he steps back and nods, looking around the room and scratching the back of his neck. "So all this time you'wve been flirting vwith me. I knewv it."
Oh no. "What? Wait, no. No no—"
"I thought humans didn't do quadrants. Hell, I didn't ewven knowv humans did blackrom," He bulldozes over whatever you have to say, completely oblivious to your blatant lack of romantic interest. "Vwould Roxy ewven be alright vwith that? You and me being caliginous and ewverything, I mean."
"Why would that matter, I don't—"
"It's just, Roxy's told me a lot about howv she newver had anyone for herself and vwhat it vwas like being so lonely for all that time, and I really vwanna do right by her, you knowv?" he continues. "Look, Dirk, I'm real flattered and ewverything, and under any other circumstances I'd totally be dowvn for some rough fun—you're not that bad looking for a human, you knowv?—but this thing vwith Rox I'vwe got going on is real important to me, so I'm gonna havwe to pass."
You blink. "Well darn. Looks like I'll just have to deal."
He laughs. "If you're real set on me though, I guess I could talk to her?"
"Trust me, that won't be necessary. But hey listen, Cronus, about Roxy—" You try to think of the best way to put it and fail. "Look, I'm gonna be honest here; I don't really think the two of you are a good idea. Like, at all."
He jerks his head back in surprise. "Huh? Howv come?"
"You're just... not really right for her, you know?"
"Vwhy not?" he asks defensively and squares his shoulders, and you have to put your hands up in mock-surrender to let him know you're not trying to be mean or anything, even though you sort of kind of are. You don't care what spiel he gives you about how much he really likes Roxy, you don't trust him.
"You knowv, Dirk, she's told me all about her old feelings for you. Are you trying to tell me that you're just nowv starting to return them? Because if so—"
"Whoa, hey, no. I'm not saying I'm right for her, okay? Especially on account of me being pretty fucking gay, literally."
"Vwhat's that mean again?"
"I do love her though, more than anything. She's my best friend, you know? My point is that I just want what's best for her, because she deserves the best. And you and me, man, we just ain't cuttin' it."
Cronus chews on his bottom lip for a moment, occasionally glancing back over his shoulder at the kitchen doorway as if he's waiting for something to happen. "Is that it?"
"Is what it?"
"That all you got to say?"
"Hey, you're the one who wanted to talk to me."
"Right."
You sigh. "So, what have you got to say about my little speech there?"
He shrugs. "S'nice I guess."
So you agree?"
"Vwhat?"
Ugh. "That Roxy deserves the best."
He stares at you in silence for a second before nodding and mumbling, "Yeah. Yeah, I—definitely."
"Great. I'm glad we had this talk and we're on the same page then." You're not on the same page. You're not on the same page at all.
"Uh-huh. Good talk," He slaps you on the shoulder before turning and making a dash for the living room, hot on Roxy's trail as if he'll lose her scent any second. You grunt and decide to take care of the forgotten popcorn before continuing your watchdog duties, because how much damage could Cronus seriously do in the span of three minutes alone with Roxy? It's not like she's into that idiot or anything, right? She knows better—she's just enjoying the attention. Not to mention that she's got much better taste than that. She was into you and Jake, after all. Two stunning, uh... examples... of...
You've made a terrible mistake.
"Goddammit."
You drop the bowl on the counter and hurry out after that fishy fuck, the worst possible scenarios to find the both of them in already manifesting themselves into nightmares in your psyche. Your blood somehow runs both cold with fear and boils with rage at the same time with the idea of his weird (and probably) clammy hands on her. Which one will you cut off first? You can't decide, being too busy keeping yourself from breaking out into a full on sprint and making a fool of yourself.
Instead of walking in on Cronus and Roxy rolling around on the ground in a heated half-naked makeout session like you were worried you would, you find the two of them sitting side-by-side on the flood up against the couch, hunched in on themselves as they giggle quietly. You can't really hear what they're talking about from where you're standing, but when Cronus ducks his head down and Roxy reaches out to touch one of his horns, you get a pretty good idea.
You stay where you are, off to the side and out of sight, for some reason deciding to give them the benefit of the doubt and watch them a little longer. Cronus stretches and rests an arm across the couch behind Roxy, the tips of his fingers barely reaching down and brushing her shoulder, and he just looks at her—which wouldn't be an issue if his eyes didn't have that glint to them in that weird predatory way they always got around her. That one you just don't trust.
You're about to jump in and call him out before you realize that it's too late and there's nothing you can do but sit and watch...
...as he leans in, almost hesitantly, before ducking his head down once more, only to brush his head against the side of her face? What?
Well that's not what you were expecting to happen.
You're completely baffled at what the hell is going on, wondering if now instead of a human he thinks he's a fucking cat as he goes in to do it again, this time resting his chin awkwardly on Roxy's shoulder afterwards, looking up at her expectantly. He almost looks anxious, like he's worriedly waiting to see her reaction, until she laughs and paps him on the cheek a few times. When an assured smirk tugs its way onto Cronus' lips, it suddenly dawns on you that you've been sitting here watching that idiot get fresh with Roxy pale-wise for the past five minutes and that weird look of his just meant he'd been having a fucking friendship boner or something this whole time.
Alright. So, pale. You guess you can handle that? It can't be that bad if it just means Roxy'll be keeping him grounded and uh, occasionally shoosh-papping him, right? Nothing concupiscent to worry about.
At least you think not, until Roxy leans over and presses a kiss to his lips, and Cronus is only all the more eager to accept and return it, leaving your head spinning with confusion because you're pretty fucking sure moirails don't do that.
You throw your hands up in defeat and leave for your room since this sleepover has obviously been hijacked by weird alien quadrant shenanigans and you refuse to have any part of it. And as far as keeping Cronus away from Roxy goes, you know what? Whatever. Let them do whatever they want, because knowing Roxy, it's not like you'll be able to stop whatever that is from happening if it's what she wants.
You'll just deal with his ass when he somehow finally fucks up.