Work Text:
Jean is used to seeing his comrades die.
It isn't something he enjoys (he still remembers the bile rising in his throat and the horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach when he found Marco there, lying on the ground with half of his body just /gone/) but he's gotten good at keeping his emotions caged up, at pushing the grief away into one tiny corner of his mind until he can almost pretend like he forgets it completely. He's gotten to the point where he can watch somebody die and barely bat an eyelash.
After all, Marco had told him once that he had the makings of a leader, and a leader couldn't lose his head in the midst of a battle. Even afterwards, when the injured were treated and the corpses they could recover buried, Jean made it a habit to grieve alone. It would do no good if those who relied on him for direction saw him break.
Which is why it's so strange, the way his heart drops down to his toes when there's a huge commotion at dinner one night, and a badly-injured Eren is being dragged to their designated infirmary by the elite squad. Jean can't really get a good look at him, but even from his vantage point he can make out that Eren's arms and legs are missing, and there's a mess of blood matted through his hair and covering his clothes.
Jean isn't a stranger to seeing blood. For some reason, though, this time he's almost sick to his stomach, and Connie looks up at him with one eyebrow raised.
"Jean? Are you ok?" he asks, and Jean snaps back to reality, blinking a few times before he looks back at Connie.
"Huh?" is all he can say, and Connie frowns, following Jean's gaze as he makes a humming sound in his throat.
"The elite squad got back from their mission, huh? Looks like they ran into some trouble." He chews his bread roll contemplatively, a hint of worry on his features, and Jean looks back to his own food with a frown. He hardly feels like eating.
This is normal, though. Even when the whole legion doesn't leave on a mission, even when it's the elites, there are always casualties. But this is Eren. Maybe Connie didn't see his face, maybe that's why he's not worried, but--
"I'm done," Jean announces, turning to Sasha, who's sitting across from them, and pushing his half-eaten meal towards her. "You can have the rest."
He leaves the room before he can properly hear her thanks, his lips tugging into a frown as he heads for the medical wing. He sees Petra waiting outside the door, and she looks up at him with worry etched into her features.
"You can't go in," She says quickly, and Jean frowns as he tries to argue, to say that it wasn't like he wanted to go in anyways, he just wanted to come check and make sure Eren wasn't dead, but his words catch in his throat. He's silent for a few minutes, and when he finally does speak, his voice is rough and very nearly cracks.
"Is he going to make it?" he asks, and Petra's face softens as she offers him the slightest hint of a reassuring smile.
"We think so. A titan managed to rip open the nape of his neck and severed his limbs, and his skull was damaged, but his healing abilities are amazing. One time the Lance Corporal knocked his tooth out and it grew back within the hour."
Jean is trying to pay attention, to focus on the fact that yes, Eren should be ok, but his brain is swimming and it takes Petra's hand on his arm to snap him out of it.
"Believe in him," she says, and Jean suddenly feels ten years younger in front of her, not like the seasoned soldier and leader that he's supposed to be. His eyes are watering and he's quick to try and wipe the tears away, feeling eternally grateful when Petra hands him a handkerchief so he can blow his nose, pulling him off to the side and rubbing gentle circles into his back until he finally manages to pull himself together. Neither of them say anything throughout, until finally Jean stands up, his eyes red and puffy and his cheeks flushed from embarrassment.
Petra smiles gently, a silent promise to keep quiet on her face before she turns around abruptly.
"I'll go talk to squad leader Hanji. If you wait a little bit longer, you can go in to see him," she says, and Jean just nods, sitting down and exhaling.
He's ashamed that he got so worked up over Eren of all people (Eren, the annoying brat who was always on his mind lately, the one who had all of Mikasa's affection and was also going to be the saviour of humanity, the only person he's felt this strongly for since Marco, and oh god he can't lose them both) and he does his best to appear composed and strong when Petra comes to get him twenty minutes later. Eren is laying on the bed, his limbs having yet to grow back, and a mess of bandages over his eye. Petra gives the two of them a look before she grabs a protesting Hanji by the arm and leads her out of the room with a promise that nobody will bother them.
A small part of Jean is wondering what kind of ideas she has about their relationship, and how he should definitely correct her that he and Eren don't need any alone time, but he's more focused on the bandages over Eren's face. All he can see in his mind is Marco, half of his head and body missing, and he can't stop himself from reaching out with trembling hands to touch and make sure that the rest of Eren is still there, just hidden from view.
"Jean?" He nearly jumps out of his skin, his fingers hovering over Eren's cheek as he sees one green eye staring up at him questioningly. He awkwardly pulls his hand back in a rush.
"You're... You're awake," is the only thing Jean can say, and he can see the annoyance on Eren's face as the other boy sighs, closing his eye once more.
"Of course I am. I have been the whole time. What are you doing here, Jean? Can't be because you're worried about me?" He says it like a joke, like such a thing is impossible, like he expects Jean only came here to gloat, and Jean can feel his hands clench into fists.
"What... Maybe I am, huh? What, am I not allowed to be worried about you?!" He snaps, and Eren bristles, clearly startled by the outburst.
"Hmph! I don't need somebody like you worrying about me, I can take care of--" He breaks off as he feels Jean climb on top of him, pinning him down. Eren struggles at first, the weight of another human being a bit uncomfortable for the broken state of his body, but when he feels Jean's hand cupping the hidden side of his face he stills, the other boy's labored breathing being the only sound between the two of them.
"Of course I'm worried..." Jean says after what seems like an eternity of silence, and Eren stares up at him without a word. "You're the only hope we have to take back wall Maria, and if you die--"
"I'm not going to die," Eren cuts him off, his face serious as a new left arm forces its way from his shoulder, laying his hand overtop of Jean's. "I'm going to kill all the titans. I can't die before that." He pauses, his thumb brushing Jean's as he removes the hand on his face, leading it down the side of his body, brushing over his pectorals, his abdomen, and then his hip bone. His leg is still missing (he must have focused on regenerating his arm first, Jean thinks absently) but otherwise Eren's body is whole. There's no gaping holes, there's no exposed organs and ripped apart flesh, no flies buzzing around a dead body laying abandoned in the streets.
"I'm not Marco," Eren says firmly, Jean's hand still resting on his hip. Jean swallows heavily and wants to say that he knows that, that Eren isn't anything like Marco at all, but the words catch and he can't get them out. Eren sighs dramatically and grabs the back of Jean's head, pulling him in closer and kissing him chastely on the lips. Jean can feel his face heat up, butterflies fluttering in his stomach as Eren plays with the hair at the nape of his neck.
"What was that for?" Jean sputters, and Eren just sighs, like Jean is missing the big picture here.
"You wanted proof that I'm alive, right? Well, I'm alive, and I'm not going anywhere. So stop crying already."
It's only as he says it that Jean notices the tears running down his cheeks, and he bites his lower lip as he rests his forehead on Eren's clavicle, leaving salty wet stains on the blanket separating the two of them. Eren is quiet as he continues to run his fingers through Jean's hair, offering no more words of reassurance, just the steady, unerring beat of his heart in his chest.
They fall asleep like that eventually, with Eren's hand resting protectively over the nape of Jean's neck and Jean's head laying against Eren's chest, his hand still affirmingly on Eren's hip.