Chapter Text
Merle has been frowning all day. Now and again, he gives a weary sigh.
Taako, of course, either misses it completely or pretends to. Magnus just decided he didn't want to know.
So it's Avi who, finally, after eight solid hours of this, takes pity and asks him what's wrong. He's just too darn nice.
"Hm?" Merle replies. "Nothing. I'm fine!"
He gives Avi a winning smile. Avi looks like he rather regrets asking, and Magnus pats him on the shoulder consolingly before they walk on.
They get through dinner in near silence - it's meatloaf, and the best way go get through that is to choke it down as quickly as possible - but the second they arrive in their luxurious rooms on the bottom of moon base, Merle bursts out with: "Okay. I lied. It's not nothing."
Taako mutters something uncomplimentary under his breath and Magnus throws his hands into the air in frustration. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?!"
"I didn't want that guard guy to know," Merle protests. "Aaron, wasn't it?"
"Avi." One of these days Magnus is going to give up on correcting Merle. He's pretty sure the old dwarf is doing it on purpose, too - he's not that old.
"Whatever. Basically, you're the only ones I can turn to. The only ones I can trust with this."
Taako checks his nails with a bored expression. "Uhuh?"
"It's a matter of life and death," Merle says gravely. That gets Magnus' attention at least.
After a moment, Merle admits: "Okay, so there's not actually any fatal danger."
Magnus rolls his eyes. "Called it."
"But this is about my dignity. That's almost the same thing, you know. What's a dwarf without dignity?"
"Not my problem," Taako says.
Merle ignores him and continues on: "Exactly! It's like a Panite with a pollen allergy. Pointless, really."
"Or a cleric who never heals anyone."
Merle glares at Taako. "What, is it gang up on Merle day today? Oh suuuure. Just because I'm short and old you think you can get away with bullying me."
"Don't make me out to be some kind of dwarfist. You just suck at adventuring, I guess. Them's the breaks, grandpa."
"Oh come on guys. You won't even do me a teeny weeny favour? After all we've been though together? "
"Why don't you tell us what this is about, first."
"Alright. But you've got to promise to hear me out."
"Fuck. Sure, I promise, whatever, just get on with it. I have, like, ten episodes of Fantasy Jersey Shore to catch up on."
Merle fidgets a little, then takes a deep breath. Taako and Magnus look at eachother. They roll their eyes in synch when Merle clears his throat a few times before starting what sounds like some kind of voice warm up exercise.
"Seriously?" Taako looks seconds away from magic missiling the shit out of their cleric.
"Right," Merle rasps. "I've received an invitation to a family gathering. A dinner party. I have no idea how they got it to me, considering I'm literally on the moon, but that's annoying relatives for you I guess. Crafty bastards."
"This is fascinating and all," Taako's voice says it's really not, "but I still don't see how that's my problem."
"Well. You know about my ex wife, right?" Nods. "Well, I've heard from... sources I will not name... that Hecuba has been dating. And there's this really snide line in the invite that asks if I'm going to bring a plus one. Now obviously I can't tell Hecuba I'm still pathetically single and lonely... Which I kind of am..."
"That much is rather obvious."
"Yeah," Taako chimes in. "Since you keep trying to fuck every plant we come across."
"Anyways," Merle says, glossing over that last comment entirely, "I already RSVP'd."
Magnus starts grinning. "You peed?"
"Oh haha. Are you five?"
"Yes."
"Anyways... I might have possibly, sort of, implied I was going to bring a date?"
Taako walks to the couch and slumps over dramatically, since he gets the feeling this will take a while.
"So you need a fake date. A beard, but not a literal one since you have that already, and you're not in the closet either. Well. Maybe that's not a great comparison."
"Hey Merle," Taako calls from the sofa, "which of us is going to have to bite the bullet and pretend to be your boyfriend? It's just, that sounds like a lot of work. I'm sure Magnus can totally handle it."
"Actually..." Merle says, "I said I'm bringing both of you. And mentioned that we've been dating for a while?"
There's a beat of silence. Then Merle soldiers on: "And well, this is going to be a piece of cake and no problem at all, but I said we're madly in love or some shit. Which, again, that's going to be easy to fake."
Taako starts laughing while Magnus looks like he's in pain. "Now hold on," he finally says. "First of all: That is totally not how you RSVP. Seriously. Secondly: Why the hell did you say you're dating the both of us?"
"Well, I thought, since Hecuba is dating this guy, I could one up her by dating two guys. Establish my dominance, you know."
"Makes sense," Taako says.
"No it doesn't! What is wrong with you two?"
Taako raises an unimpressed eyebrow. It would probably look cooler if he wasn't sprawled on the couch, limbs everywhere. "I see Magnus here has never had a bad break up."
"So you'll help me, then?" Merle asks, hopeful.
Taako snorts. "Hell no."
Merle gets out his puppy eyes. Which should not be as adorable as it is, considering he's a centenarian and spends more time killing people than actually healing anyone.
His party members look back at him, completely unimpressed.
"But I can't show up there alone."
Taako yawns.
Magnus says: "Why are you even going, if it's going to be so horrible?"
"Oh it's definitely going to be horrible. But the Coralheart clan is huge and pretty influental. And very, very good at holding grudges. So I need to show up or the three of us will be tossed out of every dwarf-owned establishment west of Neverwinter."
"Uhuh."
Merle sighs and resorts to bribery. "There'll be free food."
"I'm in," Magnus says immediately.
The two of them turn to look at Taako, who just looks back at them. No response.
"The guy who's hosting this is rich," Merle tries. "If you do this for me, I'll help you rob him after the party."
"Sold!" Taako says, springing to his feet.
"Now hold on. Isn't he like your cousin? Are you really going to steal his shit?"
"Meh. He's an asshole anyway. And I'm not going to steal anything, Taako is." Merle narrows his eyes at Taako. "Which does not mean we're not going to split the profit evenly."
Taako just looks back innocently.
"So when is this party?"
Getting out a watch, Merle checks it and winces. "Uh. In about an hour?"
"You have got to be shitting me right now," Magnus says, voice flat.
"Hey! Don't act like this is my fault! If you had taken a hint and asked me what's wrong sooner we would have had more time to prepare."
"You could have just asked-"
"Guys, guys," Taako interrupts. "We don't have time for this. We've got jewellery to steal and exes to show up. Now. Do either of you own an outfit that doesn't look like you got dressed in the dark and then fell in a swamp?"
Neither Magnus nor Merle meet his eyes. "Typical," he mutters. "Fine. Whatever. We'll go to Fantasy Costco." He whirls around, wizards robe flaring around him, and marches towards the elevator
"I don't think they sell fancy clothes or tuxedos there," Magnus says, amused, as he follows him into the elevator.
Taako raises a hand and wiggles his fingers. "Transmogrifying wizard, remember?"
They end up looking damn fine in their freshly magicked suits. Even Merle, which Taako smugly says is a true achievement.
Magnus snickers before he stops, guiltily. "We should probably at least pretend to be nice to Merle if we're going to do this, Taako."
"Don't ask for a miracle, homie."
They get to the room with the cannons. Avi is not on shift which is pretty convenient since they have no trouble bullshitting this guy into letting them borrow one. Sucker.
The cannonball impacts on a sandy beach ten minutes later. They get out and look around. About one hundred feet away is a large mansion surrounded by several empty wagons.
"Looks like we're in the right place," Magnus says. "And pretty punctual, too."
Merle makes his way to the front door. His two friends trail after him, absently smoothing out creases in their clothing.
They walk through the open door and foyer (Taako eyeing the decorative silver candesticks as he goes) and step into a large room full of people.
Before they have a chance to properly look around, a small but incredibly fast shape pounces on them. A second, only slightly taller person follows at a more reasonable pace.
"Dad!" Mookie cries, and tackles his father in a hug.
Taako and Magnus blink. "Wait. Dad?"
"You're a father?" Taako sounds horrified. No, amused. Personally offended?
"Oh look," Mavis says. Her voice is cool, but she gives Merle a hug anyway. "More people that don't know we exist."
She eyes Taako and Magnus, then turns to Merle. "You're late," she accuses. "The party started an hour ago."
Merle looks sheepish when Magnus and Taako glare at him. "Oops?"
"You're hopeless," she sighs. "I'm Mavis and this is Mookie."
"Hail and well met," Taako offers.
Mookie seems too distracted by going through Merle's pockets to notice the attention, but Mavis gives him a polite nod.
"Nice to meet you," Magnus says, "Mavis, was it? I must say, you have Merle's, uh, eyes?"
"I take after my father," Mavis allows, smirking a little. "But Merle is actually my stepdad."
"... Right." Taako starts snickering. Magnus punches him half-heartedly.
"Alright. Well, Mookie and I have someone's ass to kick at Hoop and Stick. See you."
They watch Mavis drag her brother away in amusement.
"Now what?" Taako says.
"We go find the host," Merle grumbles. "Kiss ass, socialise a little, and then we can leave."
"Sounds like a plan."
They make their way through the crowd, which is mostly dwarves. Since Taako and Merle stand out to an almost ridiculous extent, they draw a number of stares. Taako waves back cheerfully.
They stop rather abruptly when Merle halts, face to face with an old but rather attractive dwarrowdam. "Merle," she says, eyeing him cooly.
"Hecuba." He jerks his head, more a twitch than a respectful nod.
"You're late."
Merle opens his mouth, then closes it again, a frustrated scowl on his face. Taako jumps in. "Fashionably late, darling," he purrs, giving her a charming wink.
Hecuba Roughride gives him a dismissive once over, before turning back to Merle. She says in dwarfish: "I don't know who these idiots are, but I'm not impressed."
"Oh you will be," Taako replies, also in dwarfish.
Hecuba blinks in surprise, then turns and walks away.
"I forgot you're like, a linguistic genius," Magnus says casually. "Also, I get the feeling you just did something cool, but I didn't understand a single word."
"You missed out," Merle says, grinning. "My boy Taako here just showed up that hell wife."
Taako mumbles to himself: "It's ya boy."
They keep going. For the two tall boys, it's a lot like wading through a very hairy, somewhat hostile lake. Merle leads the charge, muttering "'scuse me"s and the occasional "hey Phil."
"You cannot expect me to believe the last ten dwarves you greeted were all named Phil," Magnus speaks up.
"What? Phil's a solid name. Very traditional. Why, my Aunt Betty named all six of her sons Phil."
"That must make for very confusing family reunions."
Finally, they reach the other side of the hall. Only a few feet away from a large buffet table (Magnus eyes it hungrily) is an old dwarf seemingly holding court. You can tell he's important because he's absolutely covered in jewellery from head to toe (Taako's turn to eye something).
"Bartitimotaeus," Merle says, respectful. Well. Respectful for Merle.
"If it isn't ol' Brother Highchurch," Bartimotaeus Coralheart croaks out. "Hecuba bet one hundred gold coins you wouldn't show, she did."
"Always happy to disappoint her," Merle replies cheerfully.
"Who are your friends?"
"My name is Magnus Burnsides. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir."
Bartitimotitaeus waves him off. "No need to call me sir. My first name is fine."
"Well... That's kind of you to offer, but I sort of forgot your name already. Sorry."
Instead of getting angry, the old dwarf lets out a guffawing laugh. When he's done, he wipes a tear from his eye and says: "Call me Bart. I like you already, Burnsides. And who's the other one?"
"This is-"
"My name," Taako interrupts, "is Leeman Kessler."
"Oh for fuck's sake."