Work Text:
There lies an innocuous little brown box abandoned at the back of a drawer in the bathroom of your house. It’s not a new house either – a sturdy but quaint little thing built a little over thirty years ago, showing some wear and tear here and there. Quite a steal, if you remember too – the elderly couple who had sold the house off had wanted it off their hands quite badly.
Or rather, to be accurate, it’s like someone forgot a whole load of everything in that drawer in the bathroom of your new house. Even when you just bought it, you’d had the impression that the building was hastily emptied, and maybe this is just the result of that. There’s nothing much, and you don’t mind it that much either. The box, you almost throw out, because it’s small and it seems like there’s nothing in it. Shaking it though, you hear the telltale fluttering of something inside, sort of like paper.
You inspect it more closely. Huh. The bottom of the box is glued funny, almost a little slanted, like a false bottom. Your suspicion is confirmed when a hard press against the caving side upsets the glue just barely holding it in place, revealing the contents under.
You’d think all this trouble to go to, the owner would have hidden some priceless artefact, but it, in fact, is only a bunch of letters.
You don’t understand why. In a lot of ways, how you even managed to acquire this house, how you bought into this relatively wealthy neighbourhood, how you even discovered that little box at the back of the drawer – all of this is a mystery. It’s curiosity that gets the better of you. Carefully taking the box out because its corners are falling apart, you pull the first letter out. It’s kept in a remarkably good condition for all the paper is ancient and brittle and begs to crumble under your touch. Whoever the author was, the pensmanship is beautiful too.
~
Before you left, you asked me one question, Kookie, and it’s whether I’d forget you after you leave. I guess, in all senses, it’s a reasonable question to ask. It just kinda hurts, you know. I thought you’d have more faith in me than this.
Haha, maybe not, don’t take me literally. Are you frowning? You know I don’t mean it, come on. Smile. I really miss you; the town’s pretty boring now that you’re gone. Really boring, actually. No one’s willing to go to the rooftop with me now, although that was always our spot so I guess I’m not really asking someone to go there in the first place. No one can really replace you. Namjoon’s never been into that stuff, Jimin’s too busy with work and trying to pull his grades up to get a ticket out of this hellhole and I don’t blame him. Why would I when I want out myself?
And don’t blame yourself either. I know you’d take me with you if you could, but alas, extra mouth, extra person to feed, extra baggage. I doubt your parents would be nearly as ecstatic to do that. They never liked me that much. Said I was a bad influence and I dunno, maybe I am. If you ask me, I’d say no, but then again, you could argue that everyone in our damn town was a bad influence. Some of the best people I can say I’ve met and ever will meet – don’t think we’ll ever see anyone as enthusiastic about music as Namjoon and Yoongi.
You also told me to update you on what’s happening, so here goes! It’s nothing exciting, honestly, although it’s funny because it’s like you leaving actually set off like, goodness to god, actual events.
I know you hate it, but I skipped again yesterday. You’d throw a fit, wouldn’t you? First time I did that, you refused to talk to me for three days straight and the literal three most horrifying. Days. Of. My. Life. I really thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, ok? And then, just think, fast forward three years and last month you only shook your head and –shut up, you’re probably gagging, let me be sentimental in peace—grabbed your backpack and raced me to the rooftop.
There’s nothing to do. That’s same old, same old. The stars change every night, and the view’s still great as ever on the rooftop, you know, with all the freezing your ass off and the like. But stars are always predictable and they always come back, and maybe that’s what keeps people sane. Do you ever think that way? Sometimes I look at Leo, remember you pointing that one out to me – what did I call it? A coat hanger? You looked like you’d wanted to strangle me – and think hey, perhaps people come back in the same ways stars do.
Namjoon still works in that same old gas station – dunno how the place stays in business but it does? – still bitches about the same old things. Rude customers. I mean, I don’t think I told you this part before – sorry! I was going to at some point but then you told me you were freaking moving out – but I started working there too last month ‘cause you know the other person quit. Probably left that for something grander, as in, like slightly less shitty because you can’t actually do anything other than, I dunno, cashier in this town unless you’re a genius and run away. Even then it’s rough. Joonie’s smart, and he still didn’t get himself outta here. I think it’s because we’re here too, though. The gas station is honestly and purely shit and people gave you all sorts of shit for well, shit you never did. Maybe it’s because you never did it, but it’s not like they asked me either. Just kinda assumed. Funny how we always do that, but I digress! Grandpops (ha, Yoongi’s gonna have a fit) went to be an apprentice for some car mechanic, Jimin wants to get out of the town and misses you like hell.
A new family moved in too. They’re kinda weird because why would anyone want in when everyone’s trying to make a beeline for the exit, but I suppose everyone has their own stories. A family of three, so I’ve heard. Hoseok told me while I was at the diner yesterday. A family of three – the mom’s a banker, the dad’s a I dunno what, and they’ve got a pretty sweet looking girl, from what I’d heard. 17, same age as you, right? It almost seems like she’s the universe’s way of trying to apologize for you leaving, or her way of trying to replace you, and that makes me pretty upset.
There’s no one to tease when you’re no here Kookie~ No one else is fun, haha. Write back, alright? And make sure you visit sometime. Wishing you all the best!
Yours, Tae.
~
The ink on this letter is faded, as though someone’s run a finger over it one time too many. It’s interesting, you think, a glimpse into a life you’d never imagine being able to understand. It looks like it’s from decades ago – and you’d have reason to believe, because no one really keeps valuable documents in wooden boxes anymore, much less write honest to goodness physical letters.
You’re about the put it back in the envelope when the letter gets caught on something. You peer in; you’d thought there was nothing else in there, but instead, you find an old black and white picture of a group of seven boys grinning at the camera. There’s another of two of the seven, one mop of black hair looking for the camera and the other looking at the first like the rest of the world has fallen away. The younger one – all round eyes and shy smile has been graffiti’d, a mustache and a black eye carefully drawn in with black ink.
It’s cute, you think, and kind of private. You flip to the back. Taehyung and Jeongguk, you see written, and then underneath, aren’t we the cutest?
The next letter is slightly shorter. Writing’s not as faded either, although you still have to squint here and there to make out what’s being said. It’s a bit wrinkled at the end, as though whoever was reading it, at some point or another, had been distraught enough to hold it that hard. And the way it starts off - Jeon Jeongguk, huh. Jeongguk, huh? You know you bought the house from the Jeons, but you’ve never heard a thing about there being a son.
~
Jeon Jeongguk!
You know, when I say write back, I don’t mean this in the sense that it’d be nice for you to write back, I like wasting my time looking at the way you cross your ‘i’s and cross your ‘t’s, but hey that it would be a pretty nice thing to know you’re still breathing and kicking. Well. I guess it’s also possible that your parents don’t let you, because I know you and you’ve mentioned to me they don’t like you doing these kinds of things. I bet they’d throw a fit if they knew we were still writing, which I guess, I mean if they found out I’m awfully sorry, but you gotta hide your stuff better.
Just kidding (haha, but are you actually ok? You haven’t be writing back, look, you promised me too).
Well, even if your ass is MIA, I can still talk, because a month being dead to me doesn’t make me dead to you! Ha, well, anyway.
Jimin’s been taxed with the oh-so-dreadful task of helping out the new girl get used to the town and get used to the school. Which basically translates to half the male population in our school being jealous out of their minds, the other quarter not understanding why it’s a big deal, and the last quarter just doing what they always do. But to have half the people in the school potentially hating on you or always trying to get on your good side, I guess it’s bound to be tiring.
Last night we went to the diner, and he brought her along. I guess I understand why people are making such a big deal, since I didn’t get a great look at her until now, and I can see why someone might think she looks cute? But you’re always the cutest, Kookie!
Haha, don’t kill me, but you know you are. Sometimes. Like, when you’re not trying to kill me for calling you cute. Fine, what do you want me to say? Finally filling into those cheekbones like you’re filling into those arms? Damn? Hella fine?
We talked for a bit, at the diner I mean. Jimin clearly didn’t wanna be there all that much, so I took her out of his hands. He’s gotta study for the math test in two days, I think. Wishing him the best for that, I don’t understand a single flying shit about what’s happening.
She is pretty cool though, I think you’d at least like her company, if anything. Her name’s Hyeyun, and guess what! She’s chill and likes music too. She’s spouting all these names I don’t understand, but her enthusiasm’s pretty infectious. Kind of like you, when you’re really into whatever you’re talking about – especially your constellations and your floating pieces of space sparkles.
(Don’t get me wrong I love stars too!!)
But seriously, write back! Visit!
Yours, Tae.
~
Weird, how there’s no answer, you think. You’d thought they were pretty close. But then again, all sorts of things happen to letters, and maybe the next letter will tell you more about this story unfolding.
You put the letter back. There’s a good four or so left, but read any more and you’ll be late for work, so you’ll read them at some later point. Maybe you’ll ask about the son when you get back too.
~
7:16pm, you get back from work.
7:42pm, you’ve finished scavenging whatever scraps can be saved from your fridge which basically finishes eating your leftovers for you. There’s nothing in there, ok?
7:51pm, you knock on the door of your next door neighbour. Her name’s Mrs. Park – Park Yeunji. You’ve never heard anyone call her Yeunji to her face. The neighbourhood’s pretty small but neat. Everyone’s given you a pretty neat welcome, but no one talks about the previous owners at all. She’s a lady entering well into her seventies, but with the fire of someone half her age. You don’t know what to make of her, really, other than the fact that she’s pretty intimidating.
~
(For all purposes, this is an informal interview, you tell yourself. It is kinda hard not to be formal with Mrs. Park.)
PARK: What are you doing here? (squint)
INTERVIEWER: Ah, nice to meet you Mrs. Park. I recently found some letters in my house that I think may have belonged to the Jeons, so I was wondering if you had some time to answer a few questions?
PARK: The Jeons? I knew them a bit, but not extremely well.
INTERVIEWER: They had a son named Jeongguk though?
PARK: Yeah, he’d come over and visit pretty often.
INTERVIEWER: Did you know the kid well then?
PARK: (sighs) It’s a long story. Come inside, you’re gonna freeze to death outside. (she grabs two chairs from the dining room table) So, where do we start?
INTERVIEWER: Start from Jeongguk? Jeon Jeongguk, right? I don’t remember meeting him when I bought the house?
PARK: No, you wouldn’t have, obviously. He’s missing. No one knows where he went. If he’s alive, for fuck’s sake.
INTERVIEWER: Oh. (pause) That’s terrible, I really didn’t know anything of this earlier, now it sounds pretty insensitive. Are the Jeons still looking for him?
PARK: Well, they’re a pretty wealthy family and they’ve asked around and even tried setting up rewards for a bit. Nothing though. Not a peep from anyone. It’s a such a shame, Jeongguk was the politest child. He’d help me with heavy lifting sometimes, and he made sure to drop by once a week at least, usually. If he’s busy, it’s just a quick hi, and if he’s got time, he would stay over.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, what did he talk about?
PARK: (pause) What’s that to you? Usually just asked after me, made sure I was fine. Sometimes he talked about his own life, so school and his friends. I dunno if he had a girlfriend or anything, but at some point he wouldn’t shut up about this Tae of his. Sounds like whoever it was, they hung the stars up in the night sky for him. And yeah, he liked stargazing too. Tried to drag me out with him once, I told him straight up – ‘You trying to make me get pneumonia? These bones are tired and old.’ After that he shut up, which you know, was pretty smart for once.
INTERVIEWER: (briefly shows letter – the earliest one – to Mrs. PARK) Would this mean anything to you?
PARK: I mean, kinda. That’s what you’re tryna return, right? Well lemme tell you – the Jeons won’t want none of it. They’re touchy over people talking about their son. If I were you, I wouldn’t poke my nose into it, unless you can give them some sort of lead on where to find him. It’s been almost ten years already though, I doubt you’d be able to get a lead at this point.
INTERVIEWER: Wouldn’t any parents be happy to get anything that belonged to their lost son?
PARK: Maybe. The Jeons and Jeongguk weren’t really on the best terms with each other. Conflicting values, I suppose. He’d talk sometimes about how his parents didn’t understand him at all and he’d mention that they “didn’t like Tae either.”
INTERVIEWER: So he was unhappy?
PARK: Unhappy. Huh, I dunno if I would use that word to describe him. Unhappy? Maybe a bit. He was never content in all the months I saw him, although I don’t think I realized in hindsight. In the last month or so though, he was a lot more secretive and withdrawn but he seemed. More at ease. So happier, I guess you could say? Got a real sparkle in his eyes for once; was like he was dream walking before.
~
I’m really happy to hear that you’ve settled into your neighbourhood more! It’s always so messy when you move – I remember it being such a hassle, and I remember your house wasn’t unpacked for a good like what, two months? When you came here, haha. And guess what! I’m actually so excited, I’m going out to the movies with Hyeyun later this week!
There’s a rip that runs jagged across this letter. It’s been taped together afterwards, so maybe the rip was an accident or a hasty decision.
I really can’t believe all that’s happened, honest, Kookie. But Hyeyun sort fits right into our circle. It’s like she was always meant to be there, you know? I feel so glad to have gotten this opportunity to know her, and she’s helping me out with school shit too. You know how much I hate studying, although it’s always nicer studying with someone!
Also easier to get distracted, I mean that’s true too. Remember that one time we were studying for the chemistry quiz? We spent four hours at your place. I think we studied for like. Half an hour.
I can’t write too much this time – really busy! But seriously, I’ll get back to you soon with more about my life!
Yours, Tae.
~
There’s a pretty significant gap between this letter and the next one. It’s evident in the handwriting too – there’s a bit of a change here. It’s sloppier, you think. Like someone’s either been slacking off or writing too much and slacking a bit on the neatness of their handprint to save time.
You feel like you’re starting to know this Tae that Mrs. Park said Jeongguk talked about. You feel like you’re starting to understand why Jeongguk didn’t write back, too. You’re pretty sure this Tae’s a guy. Either jealousy of being replaced, or maybe...
~
What’s up? You didn’t write again. It’s been almost a year, I hope you’ve been well? Haha, I guess I’ve been pretty swamped on my end too. I’m sorry about not getting to you sooner even though I said I’d get back to you soon. Exams, you feel? How are you doing in school, if you don’t mind me asking?
I mean, I really hope I’m not bothering you, constantly writing to you like this. You have your own life now, one that doesn’t really include me or Namjoon or Jimin, but it’d still be nice to connect once in a while, you feel? Ah, anyway, back on track.
I think you’d be pretty proud to hear I actually got into Kyungpook. It’s funny because I remember making jokes about getting in because in my mind, it clearly wasn’t going to happen. But then, what do you know?
Sometimes I look in the mirror. See this kid who, a year ago, would’ve laughed at the thought of getting anything over a 90. Now this same kid’s going to Kyungpook.
And speaking of, you never told me which university you’re planning to attend? I’m sure you can get into any of the SKY universities if you wanted to. You’ve always been really smart, but on top of that I remember you as someone who knew how to study very well! Better than me at least, ha.
Hyeyun’s coming to Kyungpook too. If I have one person to thank for putting the insane idea in my head of even being able to aim for Kyungpook, it’d be her.
It’d be really cool if you guys could meet each other, you know!
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well~
Yours, Tae.
~
You got into Seoul National?? Congratulations, my god. See, I told you. SKY. And what did you do. The S of the SKY. I’m so proud of you Kookie, do you see these tears I’m wiping.
When did you grow up so fast?
I feel like these letters really aren’t working that well, at least not anymore. Both of us are getting busier, and I get that sometimes it’s hard to fit in the time to write.
But guess what’s the exciting part of the news! The reason why I’m writing, I think you could say.
I’m going on exchange to Seoul National next year! I applied for the exchange thing – it’s one year but the cost is covered by the program, and I got accepted! I’ll be really close by then – same university, am I right? With this there's more responsibilities too. My parents are kind of. Overbearing about it - about what they want out of me and from me. I think I finally get what you mean when you talk about your parents, you know. Back then they didn't expect that much from me. Deadend, I think that's how they saw me. Except all of a sudden now, I'm not what they expected and they're trying to push you to your limits. Drain you to your last dregs. I don't know if there's any difference between how you're supposed to feel when people do that to you.
Anyway. They want me to settle down or at least get some kind of successful career going - be a doctor or lawyer or just "make me proud." That's what they say.
I'm so tired, Kook.
~
There’s no signature this time.
Tae’s right, you think. The letters really aren’t that substantial at this point, but the enthusiasm and the. You’re not sure what exactly it is you feel, but you think. You think there’s a certain sense of longing in them.
There’s a small stack of more photos at the bottom, hidden by the letters. You pick them up.
~
Reunion at the Train Station! – This time, both of the boys in the picture have black hair. (“I grew it out,” says Taehyung with a laugh, when questioned about it.) The weather’s started to warm up by then, but the wind’s still a little chilly. They’re in windbreakers and both their cheeks are a little flushed. One is scowling playfully, and the other is smiling this blinding grin. They’re not standing that close to each other, a cautious distance in between. They’re at the train station. “How did it take you a goddamn hour to find me?” is written at the back.
At the movies!! – There’s no faces in the picture this time. It’s just two movie tickets lying on a table side by side. It doesn’t tell much of a story from what you can make out.
(It was Jeongguk who wanted to see them. “Hyeyun won’t watch them with me,” he’d complained. “She doesn’t like horror. The horror.”
Jeongguk had snorted. “Come on, let’s go.” He’s not a huge fan of horror either, and he’d be under the assumption that Taehyung didn’t like them either, but whatever. If it’s Taehyung’s newest phase, he’s pretty prepared to deal with it. He’s seen worse. Cue Seokjin and that time when he loathed to throw away empty containers and would just keep them because “they looked too nice.”
“Really?” Taehyung asks in surprise though, as if he didn’t expect Jeongguk to say yes. Jeongguk rolled his eyes. It’s easy falling back into rhythm with Taehyung. Two years apart feels like two minutes.
Jeongguk thinks of Hyeyun, thinks of horror movies. Thinks of everything he’s wanted to talk about. “Yeah,” he says softly, stuffing his hands in his pockets.)
I CAN catch the sun just watch me – there’s a boy lying against the grass on a hill. There must’ve been clouds overhead, because there’s shadows cast and dancing around on his clothes and his face. His face is very striking, you think. Clear, bright, and lashed eyes. A full mouth. He’s got a distinct nose and jaw, and if anything, he’s very pretty. There’s also the shadow of another boy cast onto the ground beside him, and his jacket.
(“Tae, are you trying to cloud watch, sun watch, or blind yourself?”
“Shut up, I just like the wind, ok!”)
This simple photo of two hands interlocked – a polaroid in colour – doesn’t have any writing at the back. Or maybe – there is a line, a comment almost at the back in pencil, but it seems like it was added in a while later as an afterthought. It doesn’t seem like a name either, because who names their photos “remember when you thought i was dating hyeyun? you idiot, we were just friends, you could have asked.”
~
This last latter’s unsigned too. It’s a lot sloppier than the previous ones, the handwriting, like it’s been scrawled on a whim, on a split second running into infinite possibilities.
let’s run to a place closer to the sun – under the same sky but anywhere but here xx
~
There’s a receipt that lies at the bottom of the box.
TRANSACTION #1927
07/12/02
PREPAID BUS FAIR
2x ADULT ONE WAY $4.30 TOTAL $8.60
To: Seoul Station
From: Transaction Centre #281
~
You slide the letters back into the box, and return it to where you originally found it. It’s not your story to meddle with, Mrs. Park was right. Wherever they are now, you hope they’re happy.