Work Text:
To: Lord Beric Dondarrion ([email protected])
From: Sandor Clegane ([email protected])
Subject: My legal rights
I don’t care what kind of a weird cult you have going on here, but I know two things:
1. I have the right to a trial by combat.
2. You’re going to give me every bit of my money back if I win.
S.C.
* * *
RedPriest: NP. Try not 2 get killed again tho.
EyepatchofPower: I have faith in ur ability.
RedPriest: There R limits. Also we’re running out of swords
EyepatchofPower: Just do it, ok? The one kid is a smith. We can have him make us a bunch.
* * *
From: Lady Melisandre ([email protected])
Subject: Coming to visit
Brother Thoros:
I have seen in the flames that you have among your number one of the late King’s blood. The Lord of Light requires him as a sacrifice. Please secure him so that I can collect him upon my arrival and return with him to the reincarnation of Azor Ahai.
Sincerely,
Melisandre
* * *
From: Sandor Clegane ([email protected])
Subject: This is not funny
WTF? I said I wanted my money back!
By the way, the flaming sword trick, so not cool.
S.C.
* * *
From: Lord Beric Dondarrion ([email protected])
Subject: Re: This is not funny
Clegane,
The Brotherhood without Banners is a cash-poor, non-profit organization. We have been forced to go on the gold standard. This means, that at the end of the war, assuming that we’re still in existence and that you’re still alive, we will be able to remit to you payment in actual coinage that you can spend.
I apologize for the flaming sword. I think it’s a little silly myself, but everyone else seems to get a kick out of it.
Wishing you the best in your future endeavors,
Beric Dondarrion
* * *
PluckyActionGurl: Hi.
GlutenGuru: How’s it going?
PluckyActionGurl: I’m learning how 2 murder people w/a bow and arrow. It’s kinda fun. HRU?
GlutenGuru: Kind of liking getting 2 sleep in a bed and not having people trying 2 kill me. Oh, and I made a killer brioche the other day.
PluckyActionGurl: Ohhhhh, could u mail it 2 Joffrey and Cersei? That would be a 2fer on my list.
GlutenGuru: Um, not that kind of killer brioche
PluckyActionGurl: oh
GlutenGuru: Anyhow, someone posted a job and it has ur name all over it. I was gonna email u, but it bounced
PluckyActionGurl: I’m trying to get home here. Not that these dorks r helping. Did I tell u they had the Hound and they let him go!
GlutenGuru: Man, that sux.
PluckyActionGurl: He was on my LIST! What a bunch of dumbasses.
GlutenGuru: What’s ur new email?
PluckyActionGurl: [email protected]
GlutenGuru: I’m sending u the job info. Think about it. 3 regular meals a day and a bed ain’t half bad. G2G, dough 2 knead. TTYL
(GlutenGuru has signed off)
* * *
From: Thoros of Myr (RenegadePriest@ BrotherhoodWithoutBanners.com)
Subject: Re: Coming to visit
Heya, Mel,
Long time, no hear. Did the Lord of Light happen to tell you what the sacrifice looked like or what his name is? We’ve got a lot of random people hanging out with us these days.
Great news on Azor Ahai. Who did he come back as?
Thoros
P.S. When can we expect you?
* * *
From: “Hot Pie” ([email protected])
Subject: Fwd: Job opportunity
Wanted: Young girl to serve as cupbearer to high ranking government official.
Responsibilities:
• Wait service
• Bussing tables
• Fire Building
• IT assistance
The successful applicant will have a steady hand; possess a knowledge of “chatspeak;” be literate, clever, and competent.
Preference will be given to applicants: with knowledge of Westerosi history; who have stone mason fathers; who think most girls are idiots.
Salary: Above the King’s Landing minimum. Room and board provided.
To apply: Send cover letter and resume to [email protected]
* * *
From: Lady Melisandre ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Re: Coming to visit
Brother Thoros:
If you were devout, you wouldn’t need to ask me such silly questions. But since time is of the essence, the sacrifice is a tall, strapping young man, blue of eye and dark of hair, with biceps that won’t quit.
In answer to your query, Azor Ahai has been reborn in the person of King Stannis.
Don’t think we don’t know about your failure to convert King Robert. I suggest you look to your sins, for the night is dark and full of terrors.
Melisandre
* * *
EyepatchofPower: I’m across the cave from u. U can’t come over and talk 2 me?
RedPriest: I got contacted by that hot chick from my order that I told u about. She wants Gendry.
EyepatchofPower: He’s a healthy young lad; he probably won’t mind.
RedPriest: as a Sacrifice.
EyepatchofPower: Oh.
RedPriest: it’s 4 LoL
EyepatchofPower: I don’t think that’s very funny.
RedPriest: No, I mean 4 the Lord of Light.
EyepatchofPower: It’s very confusing when u do that.
RedPriest: I know, I wrote the Order, but they won’t change it. They’ve been calling him the LoL 4longer than we’ve had chatspeak. Anyway, I think we could make some money out of this.
EyepatchofPower: We do need a new server.
RedPriest: We shouldn’t have let the fat baker kid go.
EyepatchofPower: The other kind of server.
RedPriest: gotcha. Hey, get this: Stannis is Azor Ahai reborn.
EyepatchofPower: Stannis? As in the Lobster King?
RedPriest: IKR?!
* * *
From: Arya Stark ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Fwd: Job opportunity
Thanks for thinking of me, but that’s my old job. He had his chance, but he blew it when he tried to leave me with the Mountain. He’s on the LIST now.
* * *
From: Lord Beric Dondarrion ([email protected])
Subject: New assignment
Hi Gendry,
We hate to do this to you, but you’re going to be taking a trip with the Lady Melisandre. The good news is that you may get to have sex with her. Thoros tells me she’s hot. Also, we’re getting new computer equipment, new armor, and food out of this swap. The bad news is well, let’s not go there. Sex with a beautiful lady is always a plus in Westeros.
Have fun with the LoL.
Just remember, the night is dark and full of terrors!
Sincerely,
Lord Beric Dondarrion
The Lightning Lord
* * *
PluckyActionGurl: WTH?
MrFanService: It doesn’t sound 2 bad. That redheaded babe is taking me somewhere and it’s going 2 be funny
PluckyActionGurl: Funny?
MrFanService: Lord Beric said something about “Have fun with the LOL.” How bad can it be?
PluckyActionGurl: ur throwing me over 4 that old lady with the dye job?
MrFanService: I think she’s kinda hot
PluckyActionGurl: OMG, first Hot Pie leaves 2 bake bread and now u leave me 2
MrFanService: we’ll get back 2gether
PluckyActionGurl: How can u possibly know that?
MrFanService: cuz I’m the only age appropriate guy 4 u and something 2 do w/my father
PluckyActionGurl: Like that matters in this universe. Everyone dies on me.
MrFanService: I don’t think she wears anything under that robe
PluckyActionGurl: OMG
* * *
From: Arya Stark ([email protected])
Subject: Keep your hands off my boyfriend
Witch,
You are so on the LIST now. Touch a hair on his gorgeous head (or body) and I’m going to make you suffer.
Valar Morghulis
Arya Stark
* * *
From: Lady Melisandre ([email protected])
Subject: Re: Keep your hands off my boyfriend
Girl,
I’ve looked in your eyes and it’s not pretty. You should look to the Lord of Light for salvation before you are eternally damned.
Don’t worry about the young man. I’ll make sure he enjoys the rite, well, up until the end, anyhow.
If you won’t turn to the light, you might try and seek out some therapy.
Valar Dohaeris
Melisandre
P.S. You’re too young for him anyhow.
* * *
MrFanService: u r just jealous
(MrFanService has signed off)
* * *
From: King Stannis Baratheon ([email protected])
Subject: The Sacrifice
Woman,
I have just been informed of the preparations you are making for Robert’s bastard. Why do you require candles, wine, and a large feather bed?
I assure you that my fires burn quite high. I would prefer we continue in the traditional way and you can give me another “son.” I have given orders that our special table be properly cleaned. I might even consent to removing more of my clothing this time.
When are you coming back?
Stannis Baratheon
The King in the Narrow Sea
Warrior of Light
The Lord's Chosen
Son of Fire
* * *
PluckyActionGurl: I’m right here
EyepatchofPower: Sorry, Thoros got me in the habit. Plus people are sleeping. . .
PluckyActionGurl: If u think I’m forgiving u for selling off my last friend . . .
EyepatchofPower: I just do what the LoL tells me. He’s the one true god.
PluckyActionGurl: The only god I worship is Death.
EyepatchofPower: u know, when we get u back 2 ur family, I think I’m going 2 suggest some therapy.
PluckyActionGurl: I’ve been separated from everyone for 2.5 yrs. U think GRRM is gonna let that happen?
EyepatchofPower: who is GRRM?
PluckyActionGurl: Death AKA GRRM. Everybody dies.
EyepatchofPower: I’m proof that that is not so.
PluckyActionGurl: Cool guy that people like? Ur so gonna die real soon.
* * *
From: Lady Melisandre ([email protected])
Subject: Re: The Sacrifice
My King,
The Lord of Light requires sacrifices from us all, even me.
Melisandre
P.S. I’ll be back soon.
* * *
From: Sandor Clegane ([email protected])
Subject: Accepting your fate
Girl,
Trying to hit me with a rock is not clever. Your sister was smarter than you and that’s saying an awful lot.
Speaking of your sister, did you know I saved her, like at least three times? She would have come with me too, but I guess my being drunk and covered with blood and surprising her in her bedchamber during the heat of the battle put her off.
Sandor
* * *
TheHound: She totally did. We had a thing going
PluckyActionGurl: In ur dreams. She’s all about the pretty boys.
TheHound: Girl, we had effin’ chemistry. I mean, we clicked so much they’re gonna write stories about us.
PluckyActionGurl: Fine, take me back. I have a job waiting 4 me in KL
* * *
From: Sandor Clegane ([email protected])
Subject: Basic geography
Girl,
This is a map of Westeros:
http://gameofthrones.net/images/Westeros_Maps/Map_Westeros_Political.gif
We’re near the Red Fork. The Blackwater is way down to the south.
Because it’s apparent you have a shaky sense of direction, I’m not going back to that fuckwad, Joffrey or that bitch of a Queen Regent. I’m taking you to your mother so I can get money that I will just drink away.
Sandor
* * *
MemeticBadass: Yes.
PluckyActionGurl: Do u still need a new cupbearer?
MemeticBadass: With whom am I chatting?
PluckyActionGurl: Well, u called me “girl” at Harrenhal.
MemeticBadass: . .
PluckyActionGurl: I had u on my LIST, but I’m surrounded by idiots and no one knows which way is north. At least u weren’t actively abusive 2 me, “milord.” ;-)
MemeticBadass: I do not care for emoticons.
PluckyActionGurl: Sorry, people keep telling me I need 2 lighten up.
MemeticBadass: A sense of humour is vastly overrated.
PluckyActionGurl: I know, right?! My latest captor is deluded into thinking he had a shot w/my sister even tho he’s all dirty and gross and OMG, the smell. He like drinks ALL OF THE TIME!
MemeticBadass: Drunkards and fools. I am surrounded by them as well. Very well, Girl, tell me where you are and I will send my guards to bring to King’s Landing.
PluckyActionGurl: Ok, I know u know who I am. Can u just not call me “Girl?” Everyone calls me that and it’s giving me a real identity crisis. I mean, it’s better from when they all called me “Boy,” but . . .
MemeticBadass: Of course, Lady Arya, you’ll have to be a hostage of course, but given our impending family connection, I can promise you, your life will be infinitely safer. Now where are you?
(TheHound has entered the conversation)
TheHound: Yh, this is not happening. We have places 2 go, people 2 kill.
(PluckyActionGurl has signed off)
(TheHound has signed off)
MemeticBadass: Seven hells.
* * *