Chapter Text
She shouldn’t be here. She’s behaving like the impulsive teenager she never even was. She should know better. She should leave and go home and just talk about all this Monday morning like a mature adult when she’s clear headed and well rested and not a nervous mess.
But she’s not thinking straight and Holtz’s words keep floating through her mind.
“We’re dating.”
Doctor Gorin hadn’t even flinched at the information. Abby had just agreed blindly, like she knew.
“We’re dating.”
It was ridiculous. They were not dating. Erin would have known, wouldn’t she? And she didn’t know. She didn’t even know Holtzmann was even remotely interested in her.
“But think about all the flirting.” Abby said to her, “Think about all the dancing.”
“She does that to everyone.” Erin had genuinely believed that until Abby literally snorted and shook her head.
“Gilbert, she doesn’t.”
“She doesn’t?”
“She doesn’t.”
And Erin freaked out. Like she always does, it’s nothing new. But usually, her freak outs involve more crying under the covers and less marching out of the firehouse in her jammies and bunny slippers in the middle of Friday night in flipping New York with only a Swiss army knife to protect her.
But she’s a Ghostbuster now, and she ain’t afraid of nothing. Except that cat that screeched in the ally on her way over here, that kind of scared the bejeezus out of her but in Erin’s defense, it was really really loud.
She did this though. She marched her scrawny ass all the way to Holtzmann’s apartment block and now here she stands. Scared out of her mind but she’s here. She got herself this far. She can’t give up now.
Well… she can give up. Of course she can. But she won’t! She’s a Ghostbuster! She’s a Ghostbuster and she’s not afraid. Not at all.
So with a finger that’s definitely not shaking, no sir not at all shaking, that’s just your eyeballs shaking not her finger, not at all her finger, she reaches out and presses the buzzer.
And it takes all the willpower in the world not to run away, because though she had foreseen that she would be a slight tad bit nervous, she hadn’t thought about the wave of nausea that would be unleashed in her stomach the second she rang Holtzmann’s doorbell.
She’s going to puke.
“Who’s there?” Holtzmann’s voice crackles through the intercom system, and Erin nearly gasps at how angry she sounds.
“Uh… it’s Erin?”
“Erin? Who gave you my address?” Holtzmann wonders and Erin can hear some sort of loud wailing alarm going off in Holtz’s apartment and she knows, she knows this is a bad time.
“I… Abby… but…” Her earlier confidence fades with every breath she takes and this was just a phenomenally bad idea, “It’s not important. Don’t worry. I’m just going to go home now. Sorry for bothering you Holtzmann.”
Holtzmann sighs, “Of course Abby, damn her. Come on up Gilbert. Third floor, apartment C.”
Erin hesitates for a second before pushing the door open. This seemed like such a good idea when she left the firehouse. She would come here, see Holtzmann and demand an explanation for what happened when doctor Gorin visited. And demand an explanation for why it made her feel so weird inside.
But now as she pushes more buttons in the elevator that’s supposed to take her to that infuriating blonde engineer, Erin is a little scared.
More than a little. But there’s no going back. Holtzmann is waiting for her now, and Erin can’t undo this. She can’t undo the fact that she’s in an elevator in her pajamas in the middle of the night. Holtzmann is going to want an explanation for all this.
But Erin suddenly just doesn’t know anymore.
The elevator dings, announcing her arrival at that terrifying third floor and Erin can hear Holtz’s apartment before she sees it.
There’s a noise coming from one of the doors, a distressed sort of humming wail, eerily similar to a ghost. Erin can’t explain the noise, only that it’s constant and annoying and definitely coming from apartment C.
She knocks twice and the hum turns into a sort of screaming and Erin is scared.
When Holtzmann opens the door, she looks exhausted in her boxers and tank top.
“What the hell Gilbert? It’s three in the morning.” Holtzmann hisses, “Are you wearing your jammies? Tell me you didn’t just cross New York in your jammies Gilbert?”
But Erin can’t answer. She barely even sees Holtz standing in front of her. Her focus is drawn completely to the kicking and screaming mass of blond child that’s slightly too large to sit on Holtz’s hip but is definitely sitting on Holtz’s hip.
“Get inside before we wake up the entire block.” Holtzmann says, she seems completely unfazed by the repeated kicks to her side, disappearing inside the apartment.
“I…” Erin follows her, if she could think, she’d be freaking out even more right about now, but her cognitive capabilities have fled the scene. There’s no thinking happening, just staring. She can barely remember to close the door behind her.
“You… uh… child…” she stammers.
“Congratulations on having eyeballs Doctor.” Holtzmann doesn’t sound like her normal teasing self, she’s sarcastic and tired and Erin doesn’t know what to do with this version of Holtzmann at all.
The child seems to get more upset by the minute, and Erin doesn’t know much about children but she does know he’s way too old to be throwing this kind of tantrum. He’s kicking Holtzmann and hitting himself in the head with his tiny fists and he keeps doing that weird wail-scream-humming combination.
“Sit down, I need to calm him.” Holtzmann directs her attention to the flailing little human with a focus she doesn’t even have for her nuclear machinery, “Let’s go to the calm corner, okay buddy? It’s okay Michael.”
It’s almost like he’s crying but he’s not. There’s no tears, not that high broken sound that Erin usually hears when kids cry. It’s just constant. Like a running engine. Like he’s trying to hum with his mouth open.
“Here we go.” Holtz puts him down his butt facing the corner and she sits down behind him. She wraps her arms around him much like Patrick Swayze in Ghost and Erin doesn’t know why her mind goes there, but it does.
She understands immediately though, Holtzmann uses her own body to pin Michael’s arms to his side. He can’t hit himself anymore. And he notices.
The constant hum turns to a panicky, desperate shouting and Michael uses his entire body to get away from Jillian’s tight grip. He flails and kicks and slams his head back into her shoulder time and time again.
“It’s okay buddy, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Holtzmann ignores his screaming even though it’s breaking Erin’s heart, and she just rocks the two of them like she’s comforting a crying baby.
“Stars shining bright above you.” Holtzmann starts singing softly and gently over his incessant cries, cradling him close to her, “Night breezes seem to whisper I love you.”
She sings and sings until his screams turn to hums again and Erin just stands there and stares. Because what the hell is happening around her?
“Are you good buddy? I’ll let you go now, okay? No hitting yourself.” Holtz scoots away carefully, like she’s handling nuclear material, but Michael stays sort of calm, rocking himself and humming.
And then Holtzmann turns to face her, and Erin can see the tears falling down her cheeks quietly. She rubs her face with her sleeve quickly, but Erin still saw.
“Holtzy…”
“Michael, Jillian is going to talk to her friend in the kitchen, okay buddy?” Holtzmann says softly, “You can come out of the corner when you’re ready.”
The boy doesn’t respond, he keeps rocking his small body, humming loudly to block out the rest of the world.
Holtzmann watches for another second, to be sure, and then drags Erin to the kitchen.
“What is wrong with you Gilbert?” Holtz looks angry, “What are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night, you could have gotten hurt!”
“I… uh…” Erin can’t help it, her eyes flit back to the living room where they left the freaking child that seems to be living with freaking Jillian Holtzmann and Holtz has a child? Holtz has responsibilities? What kind of creepy alternate universe is this?
“You woke Michael up! Do you know how long it’s going to take to get him back on track now? His whole week is going to be messed up!”
Holtz doesn’t look angry, Holtz is angry. Holtz is seething and Erin has never seen so much emotion pour out of the woman in front of her.
But this is not fair.
“How the heck was I supposed to know that you have a flipping child here Holtz?!” Erin shoots back, she doesn’t know why she’s so angry, but suddenly she is and the confusion of earlier mixes with the complete surprise and the nerves and it all just explodes inside of her, “That’s something that maybe you should tell your friends Jillian!”
“You have no idea what…”
“No I don’t!” Erin interrupts and she would have never dared to do that before but she’s so angry and that hum in the background from Jillian’s flipping child keeps reminding her that there is a child and there’s a child she didn’t know about and how dare she? “You told her we are dating Jillian! Dating!”
“Oh so that is what this is about? You’ve come to yell at me for assuming something and making a complete dick out of myself?” Jillian shoots back, “Newsflash, I got the message Erin! I’m embarrassed enough as is, you didn’t have to drag your ass over here to ruin my night too!”
“I didn’t come to yell at you!”
“Then stop freaking yelling!”
A flash of red and blue pajamas hurls past Erin, with his humming noise and uncoordinated arms, running into Holtzmann’s legs and nearly knocking her over.
He’s wailing still, and Erin wants to tell him to knock it off but there’s something in the way Holtzmann picks him back up again, unflinching as he starts smacking her shoulder.
“Hmmmmmmmmmm Mamama mamama mamama!” He’s loud and he slams his head against Holtz’s multiple times and Erin thinks she should interfere but Holtzmann is so eerily calm under it all and that freaks Erin out even more.
“You’re right buddy, you’re right. We’re very loud huh? No more yelling, we’ll stop. It’s okay.” Holtz grabs one of his flailing hands to stop him from hurting her more, “You’re right buddy. We’re quiet now, we’re quiet.”
And it strikes Erin as odd how Michael doesn’t say one word, but Holtz acts like an entire conversation is happening.
She rocks him like a baby until he stops kicking her.
“You should go to bed, don’t you think? You don’t want to be tired tomorrow, do you?”
Michael flaps his arm and Holtzmann nods thoughtfully, “I know buddy, I know, but she won’t bother you. She’s my friend. She’s a doctor like Abby. You like Abby, remember?”
“Mama mamama mamama.”
“I’m here buddy, it’s okay. Let’s get you back in bed, huh?”
Holtzmann walks away without another word, but Erin knows she should not follow. She just knows for some reason.
So she stays in the kitchen and waits. And looks around.
Holtzmann’s home is nothing like she expected. She doesn’t know what she had expected. Some clutter, sure. If Holtz’s lab in the firehouse was any indication, this apartment should be a biochemical hazard.
But this… If Holtzmann hadn’t just sprung a surprise child on her this would have been one bridge too far for Erin’s brain. It’s so… clean…
Not just clean, but completely spotless. It’s cleaner than Erin’s place has ever been and she cleans at least once every other day. Even the cooking books are in alphabetical order.
This is… this is insane.
She dares a little shuffle in the direction of the living room. Maybe the kitchen would be an exception, maybe Holtz just has a thing about food, though she once saw the woman eat a Pringle from the floor.
The kitchen is not an exception. This living room… it looks like she’s staring into a catalogue. Or barbie’s dreamhouse, but without the pink. Even the cushions on the couch seem to be perfectly placed.
The only thing that doesn’t seem to belong is the ginormous whiteboard, a little like the one Erin has back at the lab. This one isn’t filled with equations though, it’s more like… a weekplanner of sorts?
“We like to keep our things neat.” Holtz says suddenly, “Makes it easier to know how we’re feeling.”
Erin nods, because she has no idea what else to do.
“That’s our board. I made it so Michael knows what’s going to happen.” Holtz points proudly, “This says what clothes he needs to put on, and this row is for his magnets so he can tell me how he’s feeling about certain things we’re going to do. Like next week, we’re going to the museum, that has a happy magnet.”
“He…”
“He has autism.” Holtzmann says it so easily, like it’s not a big deal, but Erin saw exactly what a big deal it was, “He has trouble telling me how he feels. But he’s a good kid, don’t judge him on what you just saw. I didn’t really prepare him for midnight surprise visitors.”
“I’m sorry.”
Holtz shrugs, “It happens. You didn’t know, it’s alright.”
“Did he… hurt you?” Erin worries about the kicking and the slamming from before.
“Just some bruises, no biggie. You should have seen him when he met Abby.” Holtzmann chuckles, “He headbutted me so hard, I looked like a raccoon for two weeks.”
Erin chuckles along, but she can’t find it funny at all.
“You worry too much Gilbert.” Holtz says softly, “I’m fine.”
“Are you?”
Holtzmann does a weird sort of shoulder moving thing, “I have to be, right? But that’s enough about me, what brings you here Er-bear. And in your jammies at that?”
“I… you… you said…” Erin’s mind is spinning.
“With doctor Gorin?” Holtzmann shrugs self consciously, “Just a dumb joke, Erin. You know me. When am I ever serious?”
“But you… I thought you were…” Erin didn’t consider this, the fact that Holtz could be joking. She’s seen Holtz joke around, when she told doctor Gorin… it didn’t seem like a joke to Erin.
But that’s all it was.
“You didn’t strike me as the person to come to my house to yell at me though.” Holtzmann says, “So uh… I’m sorry about it.”
“Don’t… don’t be sorry.” Erin shrugs, “I didn’t come over to yell at you. I just… I didn’t expect…” she waves around the room awkwardly, “I didn’t expect all this.”
“Why did you come over then?”
Erin shakes her head, she honestly doesn’t know the answer to that question.
“I thought you were serious. That we needed to have a conversation about… that.”
“We don’t… need to have a conversation. Not serious.” Holtz scuffs her toe on the floor, “No conversation needed.”
“Yeah good. That’s good.” Erin mumbles and she doesn’t know why but suddenly she just wants to go home. She wants to go home and have her regular freak out crying under the boring covers of her boring apartment all alone. She wants to cry.
“Good.” Holtz echoes.
A moment of silence passes between them. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and not at all like the silences she’s used to in the firehouse, when they just work on their own things side by side. Those are fun silences because she can look up and watch Holtz do something completely unfathomable like creating a gun with scrap metal and her two hands. Those are good silences.
This one isn’t. And Erin is desperate to break it.
“So…” She doesn’t really know what to say, but she wants to say something, “You have a kid…”
“Brother.” Holtz corrects and there’s a small smile pulling on her lips and thank god, Erin did something right today, “He turned 7 last month. Abby bought him a dinosaur book that he can’t put down, it’s all kinds of adorable.”
Erin wants to nod her agreement, because yes, a small human with a book is generally considered to be adorable. But instead of some sort of affirmative hum, a loud yawn falls from her lips.
“Someone’s tired.” Holtz jokes, “Come on, you can stay here tonight. You already have your jammies. You can borrow some clothes in the morning.”
“I don’t want to… disturb your schedule…”
Holtzmann smiles, maybe for the first time since Erin barged in here, “Very considerate Gilbert, but it’s already disturbed. We can’t make it much worse than it is. You’re sleeping in my room though, I want to make sure he doesn’t kill you in your sleep.”
Erin’s eyes widen.
And Holtzmann cracks up, “Just kidding Gilbert! Jeez! At most he would throw a dinosaur at you. Very hard plastic little fuckers. I so regret buying those.”
“Holtzmann! You cannot use your brother’s handicap for comedic gain!” Erin chastises.
“What else am I going to do? Cry about it?” Holtzmann shrugs, “Been there, done that Er-bear. Doesn’t do you any good. Come on, my room is this way.”
“I’ll sleep on the couch Holtzy.”
“No you won’t.” Holtzmann grabs her hand and pulls her along, “I was joking about him killing you, the dinosaur-throwing is a real thing though. Trust me. You’re going to need all the protection you can get from those monsters.”