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The first time Even and Isak have sex after everything happened, Even cries.
It’s just...it’s so much. The first time they had sex, looking back on it now, it feels like they had barely even scratched the surface of knowing each other. Sure, it was beautiful and meaningful and everything then, but now...now it’s on a completely different level.
Now, Isak knows Even deeper than anyone, cares for him more deeply than anyone.
And that’s heavy.
Even’s never felt more vulnerable than he does right now and that’s partly what does it. It’s giving himself, knowing that Isak knows him, knows everything there is to know and still accepts him, still takes him and takes him so well… still loves on him like this.
It happened about a week after the kose group Christmas party. Isak had met Even’s family and Even had met Isak’s parents. They were happy and it felt almost like they were starting over, starting fresh from the beginning and doing everything anew.
Sure, they slept over a lot and that was fast, but at this point they couldn’t imagine being apart for more than a night here or there.
Even though they typically shared a bed, they only slept and made out a little. Isak was being patient with Even and Even appreciated that so much. He knew he must have scared Isak so much, and it meant the world to him that he was still here, still holding him and looking at him like he is everything.
They’re curled up in Isak’s bed after spending the night hanging out with the group drinking casually and hanging out. Neither of them had drank much, just enjoyed the company.
“I had fun tonight,” Even whispers, fingers playing with Isak’s fringe.
“I always have fun with you,” Isak whispers back, smiling at Even and then he adds, almost as a quieter afterthought. “I love having you here.”
Even immediately feels guilty. He understands that Isak probably just means like here, physically in his bed, not like here on the planet, but it still makes him feel things.
He must show it on his face, because Isak frowns a bit and rubs his thumb over the corner of Even’s mouth.
“I...we never talked about it...what happened after...after the suite,” Even says, unable to look at Isak’s face.
“I know,” Isak says softly. “We don’t have to, either, if you’re not ready. I don’t want to make you talk about something you don’t want to talk about.”
“I...I think you should know. I want you to know. It’s...I’ve been carrying it with me,” Even explains, fingers beginning to shake.
Isak just listens, fingers gently tracing over Even’s temple and his hair. Even takes a shaky breath, mentally preparing himself for what he’s about to say, praying it’s not going to hurt Isak, even though it probably will.
“I’ve told you about how after I have a...a manic episode I fall into a spell of depression,” Even says and he looks up to see Isak nod before he goes back to staring anywhere else. “Well, I was in a really bad place after the cops found me and I… I couldn’t bear it.”
He wants to say that he didn’t want Isak to have to deal with this, but he couldn’t bear to say anything that could imply that Isak had any blame in this, because he doesn’t.
“I… the night I texted you from our spot where we first met… I was saying goodbye. I was… I was so down I wanted it all to end. I told myself...I told myself that if I went there one more time that would be it. I would say goodbye to you and then I could go home and just… end it,” Even takes a shaky breath. “But then… then you showed up. You… you saved me.”
“Even,” Isak says, voice firm yet soft and he doesn’t say anything else until Even looks up at him, eyes watering. “You saved me first. I… was lost. I was so worried about creating an image for myself to hide behind and tamping down everything I didn’t like about myself… you saved me from becoming someone I’m not. You helped me love myself again and be proud of the person I am.”
Even closes his eyes, tears escaping and rolling down his cheeks.
“You told me in the suite, ‘after you’ve saved me, I’ll save you right back’. That’s what’s happened, now. I’m saving you right back, Even. I’m here. For good,” Isak sounds so confident and sure it honestly hurts Even’s heart to know he’s loved so much.
And that’s part of it. They haven’t said I love you out loud yet, but it’s there. It’s there in moments like this where everything else they say or the things they do speak volumes.
“I need you to understand that it can get so bad. I wanted...I wanted to die, Isak. That’s how down I can get,” Even says, voice weak and shaky.
“And I’ll be there every time it gets bad. You’re not alone. You don’t have to go through this alone anymore,” Isak says assuredly and Even feels slightly panicked that Isak can’t possibly understand this because there’s no way he would be so calm and stick around if he truly understood.
“I… I don’t want you to feel obligated… or like, forced to stay,” Even says, voice even smaller.
“Even, look at me,” Isak says, and Even tilts his head up finally. “I would not be here unless you meant everything to me, okay? I am going to prove to you every day that I am yours and I want this. I love you, okay?”
And there it is.
Even licks his lips and nods, curling into Isak and letting himself give into the sobs that are threatening to break out. Isak holds him through it and kisses the top of his head.
Even had no idea that those three words would have such an affect on him. He knew it, knew how he felt and understood how Isak felt, too, but hearing them now just… it’s everything and so overwhelming.
“I love you, too,” Even half sobs into Isak’s chest and honestly he’s not even sure Isak’s heard him.
But then Isak is giving him a squeeze and kissing his hair again and he knows he heard.
And Even hadn’t planned to have this talk with any other intentions than to just be open and honest. His intentions were pure and about communication.
So really it was unexpected, even to himself, when he pulled back and whispered, looking Isak dead in the eye, “Make love to me.”
“Are you...are you sure?” Isak asks, hand brushing over Even’s cheeks and wiping away the leftover tears.
“I am. Please,” Even breathes, rolling onto his back.
Isak nods, and kisses Even before lifting up and leaning over the side of the bed to pull out the drawer of the bedside table. Even watches him rummage for a moment before producing a half empty bottle of lube.
Even raises his eyebrows at Isak because not only did he not know Isak had his own lube, he also didn’t realize he used it.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Isak mumbles, blushing.
“No judgment,” Even says and then smirks, hands grabbing for Isak. “Now get your kit off.”
“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Isak says and then sits up and straddles Even to pull off his shirt.
Seconds later, Isak’s folding down on Even and kissing him fiercely. Even feels his entire body give in to it and fall plaint to Isak’s touch. Even curls his fingers into Isak’s hair and loops his legs around Isak’s hips.
“Your turn,” Isak breathes against Even’s lips, pushing one hand under the hem of Even’s shirt.
Even scrambles to get in a position where he can lift his shirt off his body without having to fully sit up. Isak helps him get it over his head, then they’re quickly back to kissing.
Somewhere in between their lips meeting and Isak sliding his tongue into Even’s mouth, Isak has managed to slip out of his boxers - as they hadn’t been wearing pants to bed - and was now naked on top of Even.
Even makes a sound close to a whine and starts squirming so he can shimmy out of his own boxers, and Isak moves to help him, barely breaking away from kissing Even at the same time.
Once their both naked and laying on top of each other, Even takes a moment to relish in the warmth of Isak’s skin against his. They’ve only been together for such a short time, but Even already knows that this is the best thing he’s ever going to experience in his life. It’s moments like this that help him know that he’s going to be okay.
“You ready?” Isak asks, pausing between kisses to ask Even.
Even nods, pulling Isak in for one more kiss before he reaches for the abandoned bottle of lube. Even hands it to Isak and watches him settle between his legs, which he spreads wide for Isak.
Isak licks his lips and pours out a liberal amount of lube onto his fingers. Even takes a few deep breaths, readying himself for the first push and tucks his arms behind his head.
“Talk to me, yeah?” Isak says, and Even notices the flicker of uncertainty flash across Isak’s face.
Even forgets sometimes that Isak is so young and that Even’s his first for all of this. Even reaches for Isak’s wrist and gives it a reassuring squeeze before guiding it between his legs.
“I trust you, babe,” Even says. “Go for it.”
Isak smiles and leans in to press a kiss to the inside of Even’s thigh as he presses in with his long middle finger. Even sucks in a breath as he does, forcing his body to relax at the intrusion.
“It’s good. Keep going,” Even says, knowing his words will help Isak stay calm and confident.
Isak continues, opening him up slowly and methodically. It’s remarkable to Even that Isak is already so good at this, loving and careful, even though he’s only ever done it one other time. Even loves it and continues to praise Isak until he’s three fingers deep and stretching Even to his limits.
“All right, baby, that’s enough,” Even gasps and grips Isak’s wrist again, this time to get him to stop. “I’m ready.”
Isak nods and then leans back over to the bedside table, this time producing a condom that he quickly opens. Even watches him carefully, looking for any more hesitancy, but doesn’t find any.
Even rest up on his elbows, his hands finding Isak’s thighs, which he rubs over softly. Isak flicks his eyes to meet Even’s and smiles before he looks down and he brings the condom to his dick, rolling it on.
Isak moves to hover over Even and pauses. “How do you want to be?”
Even ponders that for a moment, considering his options.
“I think...I think I want it just like this,” Even says, hands now rubbing over Isak’s back and sides.
“Okay. I think I like that, too,” Isak says and then kisses Even before grabbing the lube and slicking himself up. “Still good?”
Even nods and dares to look Isak in the eyes as he finally pushes in. It takes all of Even’s willpower not to let his eyes roll back into his head.
Isak pushes in to the hilt, stopping once he’s fully seated and distracts Even with kisses. Even squirms a bit, trying to get used to the feeling as Isak settles on top of him, pressing their chests together.
“I love you,” Isak whispers, pulling back and petting his hand over Even’s hair as he watches Even’s face carefully.
“I love you,” Even whispers back. “Please move.”
Isak lifts up for leverage, holding himself up by his hands under Even’s armpits. Even rests his hands on Isak’s hips, dumbly thinking he can somehow control Isak’s pace and rhythm this way.
Isak, eager as he is, begins thrusting fast and deep immediately and it’s so good Even can’t help the sudden moans it tears from his throat. Isak clearly appreciates the feedback, as he grins and seems to double his efforts, creases forming on his forehead with the strain.
As much as Even wants this to go on forever, he already can feel himself barrelling towards an embarrassingly quick end. Just everything about Isak turns him on so much and the way he’s fucking him right now is so overwhelming and intense.
And then there’s the way he’s looking at him.
Isak hasn’t taken his eyes off of Even’s face since he pushed in and the look in his eyes is so… honestly, there aren’t any words to describe it. It’s so vulnerable and intense that Even can barely stand it.
“I love you so much,” Isak moans, finally breaking the eye contact to kiss Even, body jolting through it as he continues to thrust into Even.
Even whimpers into the kiss, teeth clashing as their heavy breaths mix, making the kiss messy and more panting than kissing.
“‘M close,” Isak gasps, lifting up to look at Even again, searching his face for some indication that he was ready.
Even can’t even muster words, just nods his head, hoping that would communicate to Isak he was ready to come, too.
“Together, yeah?” Isak says and begins jerking Even roughly in his hand, gathering the leaking precome to help the glide.
Even tosses his head back with a loud moan of Isak’s name and he knows he can’t last now. Luckily, Isak is saying something along the lines of let go, and then he’s coming, orgasm grabbing hold of him and setting his world on fire.
Even closes his eyes tightly, every muscle in his body tensing in pleasure as he arches off the bed, come shooting up his chest. He can sense himself moaning and digging his nails into Isak’s back, probably leaving angry red lines in their wake.
It’s the best orgasm of his life.
Even’s faintly aware that Isak is still shallowly thrusting into him, probably milking his own orgasm, and murmuring sweet nothings into his ear as Even continues to shake with the aftershocks that jolt through him, making his toes curl.
Honestly, Even has no idea he’s crying until Isak is holding his face, and saying his name repeatedly.
“Even! Baby, look at me,” Isak says, voice quiet, but full of concern.
Even opens his eyes and tries to focus on Isak, conjuring up what he thinks is a smile.
“Fuck,” Even hums, letting his arms fall onto the mattress and taking a deep breath. “I think you may have broke me.”
Even thinks Isak would roll his eyes at that, if he wasn’t looking so concerned still. Instead, Isak gently wipes away the wetness under Even’s eyes.
“Baby, you’re crying,” Isak says and Even slowly feels his senses returning to him, telling him Isak is still buried inside him.
“And you haven’t pulled out yet,” Even replies, rocking his hips down and enjoying the thrill of pleasure it sends through his body.
Isak actually does rolls his eyes at that one, but then he’s focusing on Even again. “Mind telling me what’s going on in your head?”
Even nods and Isak pulls out, taking time to tug off the condom and wrap it in tissue from his nightstand. Once he’s settled next to Even again, carefully wiping down the come splattered up his chest, Even begins talking.
“I’m not exactly sure how to explain it,” Even starts and Isak tosses the tissues over the side of the bed and then looks at him. “I just… I think I just got overwhelmed and… my body reacted by crying. It wasn’t like, bad or hurt crying, by the way. It was pure pleasure and… good crying.”
“God, you had me worried I’d hurt you,” Isak says, sighing in relief.
“I’d have told you if you did,” Even says, bringing his fingers to Isak’s cheek. “Trust me. That was so amazing.”
Isak smiles and leans in to bring their lips together.
“You’re amazing,” Isak whispers. “Sleep now, yeah?”
Even nods, feeling properly exhausted, but in the best way.
“Big spoon or little spoon?” Isak asks as the both lay on their sides, facing each other.
“Little spoon, tonight,” Even says, flopping on his left so Isak can come behind him.
Isak laughs softly and then moves to press himself against Even’s back from chest to toe, wrapping his arms around Even.
“Love you,” Isak whispers into Even’s neck, brushing his lips there.
“Love you,” Even whispers back and squeezes Isak’s hands in his.
They fall asleep soon after that, safe in each other’s arms.