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You feel invincible and you can’t help but think how strange that is when you’ve spent so long compensating for weaknesses and hiding vulnerabilities and constantly maintaining walls that could be so easily torn down.
It’s weird to feel this strong when you’re nothing more than a single member of a dwindling race of people stuck in a deadly game of cat and mouse with Cylons.
But it’s how you feel when you’re like this, with Helena gazing down at you, stars in her eyes, lips parted and lids heavy. With Helena moving slick against your thigh, fingers clawing at your shoulders while pretty pink blossoms across her breast, shoulders before settling high and bright in her cheeks. With your fingertips anchored against the back of her neck and your palms pressing and holding against her throat while her pulse hammers against the heels of your hands.
“Yeah?” You murmur lowly, licking your lips and focusing on the wet heat of her against your skin, on the gentle groan of the bunk in the quiet crew quarters, on the feel of Helena so thoroughly, completely, trustfully at your mercy. It’s dizzying and addicting and fraking gorgeous.
Helena nods a little, dark eyes focused on yours and you swallow thickly when she tips her head back just a little, offering more of herself to you and your hold tightens minutely. You wait and you watch, always carefully, until her eyes flutter and instantly your fingers slip upwards into her sweat dampened hair, your palms releasing and your thumbs flexing to cradle the sharp line of her jaw while she gasps and shudders and finishes hard against your flesh.
“Okay?” You ask softly even as her still shaking body collapses on top of you and you kiss her neck while her hips press to yours, weak and out of control. Helena nods again, turning her head and you give her the kiss she’s asking for.
“I love you.” The words she finally manages are soft, exhaled right against your mouth and you bite your lip while warmth swells underneath your skin.
“I love you too.” You answer quietly, smiling a little as Helena moves to kneel over you with a groan. She rearranges your limbs matter-of-factly, spreading your legs and stretching your arms over your head. “I do.”
“I want to dissolve into you.” She breathes, shoulder’s rising and falling with the oxygen filling then leaving her lungs and her neck licked stringent red by your hands. Your arms twitch then reach for her and Helena catches your wrist, pressing them down near your ears again before pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Or maybe you into me. I just…”
You swallow thickly as she leans over you, bare chest pressed to yours, and you feel invincible.
///
“Have you heard?” Pete calls over the rush of faucets and the scream of shower heads, scrubbing a towel over his wet hair before tossing it at you. It lands on your shoulder and you hurl it back at him, yanking your tooth brush out of your mouth. “They look like us now.”
“Where’d you hear that?” You wonder around a mouthful of foam before spitting in the sink and rinsing with a handful of cold water while Pete reaches past you to steal your toothpaste. You watch him spread white paste on his own toothbrush before you steal it back and drop it into your toiletry bag balancing on the edge of the basin.
Pete’s got serious connections, especially considering his mother works on Colonial One, close to the president.
“Everyone’s talking about it.” Pete shrugs, fussing with his hair in the mirror beside you, toothbrush dangling from his mouth and you roll your eyes. “Man, could you imagine more copies of all this just out there in the universe?”
“No, I could not.” You say sweetly, picking up your comb and tugging it through your wet hair.
“Of course not. And you know why? Infinite copies of this sexiness running around would end the entire human race for sure. ”
///
"Have you heard then?" Helena asks quietly, eyes heavy on the curve of your neck and you tilt your head into the feeling, roll your shoulders under the weight of it before you look up from the half polished boot resting on your knee. "About the Cylons?"
She's perched on the table in the middle of the room, cautioned and tentative, legs crossed at the ankles and swinging lightly .
"Yeah." you say, rubbing at the toe of your boot with a rag until it shines. You take in her hands curled around the edge of the table, tension pulling at the muscles in her forearms and dragging her shoulders down.
"And you're not...concerned." She ventures, dark eyes probing and wrists flexing. "That anyone...that you could be one of them and not even know it until it's too late."
"It's unnerving," you admit, setting your glaring boot down and dropping the rag beside it. Helena looks concerned, worried and a fists forms in your gut.
"I would say so." Helena scoffs, humor failing to round out her words.
Your mouth twists up in disbelief, a huff of laughter escaping your chest. "Helena, you're not..."
A siren, wailing and desperate cuts you off, stealing this moment like it has so many others in light of recent events and you have no choice but to let it be tugged away.
///
“You’re not going up, sir?” Pete asks as you follow him off of the flight deck, wiping sweat from the back of your neck and you glance past him to see Helena heading towards the deck but without her flight suit.
“Not today, Garbage Disposal.” Helena murmurs, smile flickering half heartedly at her mouth. “ As it turns out, I have been partially re-assigned.”
“Re-assigned?” You repeat, using your teeth to pull off your gloves and Helena gives you a slow nod.
“I have.” She says, eyeing you and Pete just nods, rubbing a hand over the back of his head and continuing down the corridor with a knowing glance over his shoulder.
“ Partially re-assigned? What does that…what does that mean?” You wonder, nervousness drowning out the residual adrenaline in your body. “Are you leaving?”
“No, I’m remaining on Galactica but I be assisting Gaius Baltar with a cylon detecting device he’s working on.”
“Baltar?” You frown, relief loosening your muscles a bit. “That guy’s a fraking nut job.”
Helena smiles at that, tilting her head a bit. “Well, despite being a nut job, as you so eloquently put it, he is also brilliant and this could very well identify any…imposters, within the fleet.”
“That’s good.” You say dumbly, watching Helena’s face curiously. “I would want to know if there were copies of me running around.”
“Not copies.” Helena says, “Well, there can be duplicates but the humanoid Cylons do not copy human appearance, they create original forms with falsified memories. So if there is another you…or me…running around out there then there is no chance that we could be human.”
“But there’s not.” You say carefully and Helena nods stiffly, running a hand through her hair. “I’m not one of those things and neither are you.”
“Well, as of now, there’s no way to tell.”
///
Things are happening.
Kara Thrace does yet another impossible thing. Disappearing in a viper and reappearing with a busted knee and wrapped like a gift inside of a Cylon raider she hijacked.
There’s a fuel shortage that no one has any idea how to fix.
There are rumors that there are Cylons in the fleet, hidden in plain view.
Whispers that the president is sick.
Things are happening.
And you try to stay focused. You fly and you kill Cylons, over and over, to the best of your abilities because lives depend on it.
But Helena...
You feel it radiating from, see it in her flying, taste in her mouth but you don't know how to help with thick anxiety that has slipped quietly around her like a serpent and is now squeezing, squeezing, squeezing.
"Tell me about your family." Helena’s request is quiet but slurred. She’s had too much to drink tonight, throwing back ambrosia in the rec room for too long before you found her and dragged her away. You don’t get to see one another often. You’re CAP schedule is hectic and Helena’s focus has entirely shifted to Gaius Baltar and his Cylon detector, an obsession that you can hardly compete with. But the moments you do manage are tinged with apprehension that originates somewhere in Helena’s chest and radiates into yours.
Now she’s sitting at the edge of her bunk in the half light while you kneel in front of her and wrestle with the laces of her boots. You glance up at her when you finally get one knot undone and she’s staring at you blearily, leaning back on her hands as you tug her foot free.
It’s the same request, over and over lately, like a test and you sigh, rubbing her foot absently until she moans softly at your thumb against the arch of her foot. “Helena, we’ve already talked about this.”
“Myka, please.” Helena breathes and you sigh, starting in on her other boot.
“My father and I don’t....” you sigh then hesitate, emotions that you tend to keep closed off are battering at the walls you’ve constructed to help you stay focused and alive but you look at Helena and breathe through the feeling. “I mean, we didn’t get along all the time. Me and Tracy either and, gods, when I think about the stupid stuff we use to argue about, I just...”
“But you were loved.” Helena whispers as you pull off her other shoe and you nod, rotating her foot gently. “Your parents. Your sister. They were real and you were loved.”
Your insides twist hard at her words and you press your forehead to her knee, feel her hands tangle in your loose hair as you beg. “What is going on with you?”
“I didn’t have that, you know.” Helena whispers, tugging on your hair so you have no choice but to look up at her. “A family that loved me how yours did.”
“But you had your Christina.” You point out and Helena laughs, tightens her fist in your hair and you grip her thighs hard.
“Did I?” Helena challenges quietly, eyes toxic and sad and her hand releases their grip on your hair, fingernails scraping against your scalp gently as you peer up at her helplessly.
“Helena, she was real.” You say earnestly and Helena smiles down at you soft and apologetic.
“You don’t know.” Helena argues, shaking her head and ugly fear is making your chest tight and your lungs stiff.
“But you do.” You say, too loudly in the darkened crew quarters. “I’ve heard you talk about her. How she felt in your arms and how-how her hair smelled and how much you loved your little girl. None of that is artificial, Helena. You-you are not artificial. Do you hear me?”
And Helena only nods with tears shining bright in dark eyes.
///
“Excuse me?” You ease the hatch closed behind yourself as you step into the room, your boots too loud and clunky in the quiet room. “Are you Abigail Cho?”
The woman in question looks up from the table, seemingly startled by the Viper pilot standing awkwardly in front of her in full flight gear. Your scheduled to start CAP in just a few moments but this was the only chance you’ve had to speak to her.
It was Pete that gave you the heads up that the photographer for the Fleet News Service, who was aboard the Galactica to do a story on the captured Cylon agent, used to be a psychologist. You can only assume he learned all of this prior to sleeping with the woman.
“Yes. Is there anything I can help you with, Lieutenant?” She asks, sitting back in her chair and you take in the camera sitting on the corner of the table absently.
“Yeah.” You start and you haven’t really thought about how you’ll breach the subject but you settle on bluntly since time doesn‘t really permit finesse. “Yeah. You’re a psychologist, right? I mean, you use to be.”
“I…how did you…” She starts, squinting up at you and you shrug a little.
“You had sex with my best friend. Big head. Boyish charm. Talks about his pecs a lot.” You blurt and she blushes a little in front of you but stays otherwise poised.
“Right, okay well. Yes, I used to be but I’m no longer…” She begins, standing but desperation makes you step forward hastily.
“Listen,” You start pleadingly and whatever looks is currently on your face makes her hesitate. “I really need your help.”
///
“Give me the room!” Echoes over the hiss of the showers and Myka jerks at the sounds of Helena’s voice bouncing off of the tiles. There’s disgruntled noise as people leave the washroom, water being turned off and you do the same cautiously before opening the shower door to find Helena waiting for you as the hatch closes.
She watches you step out of the shower, hair dripping everywhere as you approach her cautiously. You knew she would be angry, bright and irate as she glares at you but you tell yourself that this was the right thing to do even as Helena barks, “Snap to!”
You snap to attention on instinct, limbs rigid as Helena comes closer, dark eyes accusing.
“Who do you think you are?” She snarls quietly and you nearly rock back in the face of her fury but you fight to stay solid. “Who the frak…”
“You need help.” You bite out, water forming a puddle at your bare feet and your hands fisting against your naked thighs. “Sir.”
She’s in a sucking, chaotic, downward spiral and you can’t just sit by and watch her drown. You wont. So you’d asked Abigail to just talk to Helena because you couldn’t help in a way that mattered and you knew that she would be mad, you knew she would be hurt but you were convinced, are still convinced, that her beautiful mind is worth it.
“Your slipping away from me and I won’t just-just watch that happen.”
Her righteous anger falters in the face of your honest desperation but you remain rigid and naked in front of her, staring blindly just over her shoulder even as she steps closer.
“Just stay away from me, Myka.” Helena pleads quietly and then she’s gone and you are alone.
///
Pete doesn’t say anything when he notices you attempting to drink yourself into a stupor in the rec room. Just hands you a drink that burns your throat like fire and slings his arm over your shoulders while you lean into his comforting warmth and tell him which cards to play.
///
Things are happening.
There’s Tyllium Ore, enough for years worth of fuel, sitting snug and tight beneath a Cylon base.
The Admiral wants it.
Kara Thrace has a plan.
It’s not a great one.
After the debrief, Pete looks pale, running a hand over his face as you walk side by side down the corridor.
“I need to make a ship-to-ship call to my mom. Let her know what’s going on.” He says and you nod, not for the first time, envious that Pete has family at the end of the world. “And you need to go find Metis.”
Per her request, you’ve been carefully avoiding her for weeks. Which you’re sure is slowly killing you, ripping at your important parts in your chest but you tell yourself that its worth it. You pray to the gods that this is what she needs from you.
“Pete, she doesn’t want to see me.” You point and he scoffs at you.
“You’re so busy moping around that you haven’t noticed that Metis can’t keep her eyes off of you.” He says. “Look, if I ever had a girl look at me the way she does you, I’d never let her go. And I sure as hell wouldn’t go off on some super dangerous mission with any ambiguous feelings between the two of us. I know you guys aren’t together.” Pete continues. “But you don’t want to leave without talking to her. Not that I’m saying we wont kick ass on this mission but, ya know, just in case.”
“This fraking sucks.” You murmur and Pete laughs.
“We’ve lost a lot, Mykes. All of us.” Pete says, “So, we gotta hang on tight to the things that matter.”
///
“I’m flying a mission tomorrow.” You say quietly, looking blindly down at the devices and instruments spread out on the lab table. You glance up and Helena is watching you carefully, setting down the tools in her hands. The lab looks as though a natural disaster has occurred within the walls and you move carefully around clutter.
“I’ve heard rumors.” She says and you shrug a little. It’s the first time you’ve let yourself look at her in a long time and you’re struck by how much you’ve missed her.
“Tyllium ore has been located, a lot of it, and between what you’re working on and-and this jackpot of Tyllium…fuel wont be a problem.” You point out, smiling the best you can but Helena watches you, apprehensive and tense.
“Myka, what aren’t you telling me.” Helena asks tightly and you let your eyes focus on Helena’s hands white knuckled on the edge of the table.
“The ore is located right underneath a Cylon base.” You admit and Helena inhales, slow and long, looking away from you. “There-there’s a plan. Starbuck’s. So, ya know, it’s a little crazy and unorthodox but the CAG thinks it will work and the Admiral approved it…”
“Myka.” She murmurs your name and you watch her run a hand through her loose hair.
“Casualties are…casualties are expected.” You whisper, “A lot of them.”
Your hands are shaking so you fist them against your thighs, your BDUs rough against your fingers. You want Helena to say something because you’re so fraking scared that its making you sick and you just need her to touch you or kiss you or something.
“It-It should be fine though, I think. Pete’s going up with me and-and…” you trail off hopelessly, your stomach twisting, wet and cold and you run a hand over your face, pressing your thumb and middle finger against your temples hard until it stops. “ I love you. You know that, right? ”
“I do.” Helena murmurs and you nod, shoving your hands into your pockets.
“I just wanted to make sure because I wouldn’t want to go out there without you knowing that.” You admit. “In case something happened.”
You turn stiltedly to leave, make it to the door but then a hand is pulling on your tanks, turning you to face her and then Helena is pressing her mouth to yours and it feels like forever since you’ve kissed her.
“I love you very much.” She whispers urgently and you nod, breathing deeply. “You must know that too.”
You exhale shakily as she presses her forehead to yours, hands pressed tight against the back of your neck and your body sways closer to hers. You want to dissolve into her.
“Come back to me.” She whispers fiercely and you nod again, your hands gripping at the back of her tanks. “You come back to me in one piece. ”
“I will.” You promise even though you know its not a guarantee.
She kisses you hard one more time and your tongue flicks out to taste her against your lips when she pulls away. “Keep your eyes open up there, Poindexter.”
“Yes, sir.”
///
There’s a moment, after your Viper has touched down but before your canopy is opened, the adrenaline still gushing in your veins, that you just breathe.
Deep and slow because it feels like you’ve been holding your breath since you climbed into your Viper.
Your breath fogs the inside of your helmet and your vision is blurring from the sweat collecting on your eyelashes but you focus on the way your lungs are working and your heart is beating.
Then the canopy of your Viper is sliding back and you tip your head back to find Pete grinning down at you.
“Poindexter!” His hands tug at you and you scramble out of the Viper and into the celebratory crowd already formed on the deck, unclasping your helmet and dropping it to the floor. “By the Gods, we are indestructible!”
There is champagne raining down and wild, carefree voices ringing around and you let the success of this mission flow over you.
Pete is bright and alive and you laugh when his wet gloves cup your face, his lips pressing to your forehead noisily. You hug him tightly, holding onto the material of his flight suit for just a moment before shoving him away with a laugh while someone puts a glass bottle in your hand.
You give a whoop of joy, shaking your bottle and aiming it at Pete who does the same.
“Congratulations.” Helena’s voice cuts through roar of celebration and you turn to grin at her, your hair dripping and your bottle half empty.
“Thanks.” You breathe as Pete slings an arm over your shoulder, spraying his bottle over head while you laugh and gaze at Helena. “Wasn’t the same without you up there.”
“You should’ve seen her out there, Sir.” Pete crows and you wrap your arm around his middle while Helena smiles at the two of you. “The Gods must love this one. She was pulling so many G’s out there that I’m surprised her eyeballs aren’t rattling around in her helmet.”
“Myka,” She murmurs, dark eyes shining vividly. “Child of the Gods.”
“Their favorite.” Pete declares and you roll your eyes even though Helena is watching you, soft and affectionate.
“It would seem as such.” Helena agrees and you know you’re grinning stupidly at her.
“Is everything okay?” Extracting yourself from Pete’s arms to step closer to Helena.
“Celebrate. Enjoy this victory.” Helena urges softly, reaching out to brush her fingers over your hand. “We can speak later.”
And then Pete is tugging you into the excitement again and Helena only smiles.
///
“I am broken.” Helena says quietly and you frown, shaking your head.
The observation deck is abandoned in favor of the celebration going on outside, the sounds of victory muted in the closed off room. You stare out at the stars through the massive window, the view so different from the one you’re afforded from the inside of the cockpit.
“Don’t say that.” You say and Helena laughs softly, reaching out to run her fingertip against your knuckles and the touch makes your eyes flutter shut in relief. “You’re not.”
“Lovely girl from Caprica.” Helena hums, smiling when you look at her where she‘s warm and snug at your side in one of the ridiculous plush chairs that fill the room. “Things have happened in my life and my mind is a bit…fractured…to say the least. And this entire Cylon situation brought that to the surface.”
“You’re not a machine.” You say quickly and Helena smiles, self deprecating and sad.
“I am aware. I ran my own DNA immediately after the Cylon detector was finished and as it turns out, according to Dr. Baltar, I am human through and through.” She says and you nod because you knew that already. You never questioned that she was real, you don’t think you could feel the way you do about someone without such a beautiful mind or a lovely heart. “I’ve also been in touch with your friend, Abigail.”
“That’s great, Helena.” You breathe and Helena shrugs bashfully. “That’s so great.”
“Yes, well, I figured you went through the trouble of stalking the woman. The least I could do was meet with the her.” She mutters and you gape at her.
“Did she tell you that I stalked her? Because I did not stalk her!” You blurt and Helena laughs at your indignation. “Well, maybe a little but it was just…there wasn’t a lot of stalking.”
“I’ve missed you, very much.” Helena murmurs, dark eyes searching yours and you look down at her hand curling around yours. “And I’m very sorry for the things I said to you.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t.” She says and you squeeze her fingers tightly. “And, you were right. I need help. And its because of you that I’m getting it.”
“Helena.” You start but she shakes her head, brings your hand to her mouth to press a kiss to your knuckles.
“My mind is a dark, frightening place.” She admits and you twist your wrist to entwine your fingers together. “But, as Abigail likes to put it, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m hoping you will be there, as well. I know its silly to think that you’ll wait for me but…”
“Helena, I love you.” you say and Helena breathes in slowly. “ I loved you before the world ended and I’ll love you when it starts again.”
“So sentimental.” Helena sniffles and you chuckle. There’s laughing and cheering on the other side of the hatch and you both listen to it for a moment before Helena nudges you with her shoulder. “Go on. You’re to be out there celebrating with everyone else. You accomplished quite a feat today.”
“Or,” You sigh, gazing at Helena. “We could just do this.”
Helena tips her head in agreement, letting you pull her hand into your lap. “Or we could just do this.”