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Somehow it always managed to take him by surprise. He didn’t even notice what was going on until he felt too sweaty during the day and his underwear felt uncomfortable. Fuck, not again he thought every fucking month but it kept happening.
Maybe, just maybe, now he was actually safe and his body was doing a bit better he’d have the time and would to go see a therapist to get his t letter. He couldn’t allow himself to trust someone like that and expect a good result while he was hiding, but now the entire truth was out there and there was no reason to keep pretending he didn’t feel like he needed to see a therapist for once in his life. He needed to do some research first, though.
“I’ll ask Bee for names” Andrew said right before Wednesday afternoon practice when he had his weekly appointment with Betsy and Aaron.
“Thanks” He said in response because he hadn’t asked him to do anything and though he knew Andrew didn’t exactly like to be asked to do things, it came from wanting Neil to feel comfortable with himself.
They day couldn’t have ended sooner and he got kind of desperate on his way to the locker room. All he wanted was to talk about it with someone, but he’d learnt to stop himself from saying too much.
Andrew read a list of names of therapists Bee knew worked with trans people way too quickly once he saw Neil in their dorm, quirking his eyebrow when Neil stayed still, his bag still hanging from his shoulder. It was too real in comparison to what he’d had before.
And though he had that, and a first appointment behind his back, he couldn’t help but feeling like absolute shit whenever he got his period and couldn’t even complain about it to anyone without feeling dysphoric.
It was stupid, and even though he knew no one really fucking cared he didn’t give anyone any explanation when he couldn’t do his best right from the beginning of the practice because yes, he knew it’d help his cramps go away but it felt like fucking hell during the first ten minutes. He also knew no one would say anything while he showered and got dressed -except they seemed to forget half the time and think someone was hiding food somewhere every time he unwrapped a pad-, but he still preferred to wait until everybody left and Andrew was the only one waiting by the lockers to use the shower.
It wasn’t that having a period bothered him. Sure, it was uncomfortable but he was used to it, what he hated was the self imposed reminder that he shouldn’t have a uterus, and it bothered him. It didn’t even make sense, but the idea of people misgendering him whenever he went to get pads quickly disappeared when he put his binder on again despite how tender his chest felt.
“You done?” Andrew asked and Neil simply nodded in response, “Took you long enough” He complained, but it was without any heat. He didn’t care how long he had to wait to take his ass back to Fox Tower as long as he was feeling safe.
Andrew knew Neil’s periods weren’t the worst in the universe and though he hadn’t actually seen worse, he’d heard there were people out there who passed out and couldn’t move for days, from the very beginning Neil had given him the chance to he’d made sure Neil wasn’t in any kind of pain. Neil was used to it, so he accepted the pills as always and swallowed them down as soon as they were back into Fox Tower.
Neil did his homework in silence while Andrew played a videogame he’d only recently started. The music distracted him from the stress of having too much to do and Andrew’s huffs only made him want to finish homework and sit right next to him.
It was dark and quiet when he actually finished his assignment and sat on the floor next to Andrew. He yawned. He was exhausted, actually, but he didn’t wanna go to bed just yet. Sitting there meant spending time with Andrew, even if it meant Andrew elbowed him every five seconds to make him stop thinking about his body. It was working though.
Neil didn’t particularly enjoy the prospect of sleeping altogether when he was on his period because he had to make sure he slept on his side for a certain amount of time and then on his other side, plus he more or less had to stay still during the night, something he’d actually been trying to forget after his mother’s death. There could never be anything left behind and even though now he had his own bed -and most of the time he shared with Andrew for a little while until one of them woke up in the middle of the night to go back to his bunk- it still embarrassed him to think about carrying blood stained sheets and boxers to wash. He told himself it was okay a thousand times, but it still didn’t feel like it was supposed to be that way.
Andrew paused the game and elbowed him in the ribs again. Neil complained and furrowed his brow at him because he’d lost his train of thought again thanks to Andrew.
“Hot chocolate” Andrew told him before getting up. He didn’t get what it was supposed to mean besides the obvious: Andrew was making hot chocolate at least for himself.
“Are you asking me if I want some?” Neil asked turning around to see Andrew fumbling around the kitchenette. He’d taken two mugs from the cabinet anyway.
“Did you take it off?” Andrew asked. Neil kept his eyes on his hands to stop him in case Andrew added too much cocoa powder or sugar, “It’s late, you should” He continued, not really waiting for an answer. He knew Neil was probably tired and his back was hurting already.
Neil sighed before walking into his room and changing into his pyjamas, finally taking his binder off and feeling relatively good in his own body.
When he returned his mug was waiting for him on the floor next to Andrew while the background music filled the room. It was disgustingly sweet, but he finished it quickly knowing the warmth of it would help things hurt a little less.
Kevin would come back at some point of the night and shout at him if he fell asleep on the couch, probably, but he still let himself relax, always on his side though.
“You’re gonna hurt all over” Andrew said, something in his voice made it seem like he actually enjoyed the thought of Neil complaining because of his own stupidity the next day.
“I’ve to wash up anyway” Neil sighed and got up from the couch, this time planning on going to bed.
“You’ve a stain” Andrew pointed out, still facing the TV when Neil turned around. Of course. His shorts were a pale grey.
“Did it soak through?” He asked in annoyance, trying to inspect his shorts, knowing it was fucking impossible to actually look at the possible stain no matter how much he tried. He turned to look at Andrew, “Were you looking at my ass?”
“Just checking” Andrew answered, blinking as the screen changed colours rapidly.