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"We will never speak of this to anyone. Understood?"
"Ugh, fuck, no, Oh my God, go away, why would you ever think this is a good idea?!"
You roll your eyes at… yourself, and grab onto his shoulders, shaking him. "Why would you even have to ask that? When are we ever going to get another chance like this? A chance to make out with your own real, live self? As in, not making out with some weird dead ghost thing."
He blinks back at you, and it's surreal to be able to read indecision in your own eyes. Wow, is your face always that expressive? Holy shit, that sucks, you'll have to work on that.
"Well, yeah, but-"
"It's totally not gay if it's with yourself. We've already agreed with Dave on that, remember? It would totally count as masturbation."
"Can you not bring Dave into this?! He's right fucking there, and if he sees this, i'll never hear the end of it."
"Okay, first of all, Dave doesn't have any room to talk about anything. We have enough dirt on him to last a lifetime. Secondly, he's totally already done this. You know damn well the first thing he did with his time powers was have a Strider Orgy, alright? So quit being such a pansy and lets do this."
"I'm not a-" You don't allow yourself to finish before you're smashing your faces together, glasses and teeth clanking together painfully. He pulls away with a hiss, but you are bound and determined to not let such a little thing as pain get in the way of your first real sexual encounter, even if it is with yourself. You dive right back in, this time a bit more mindful, and slide your lips together. His feel softer then yours, but at the same time, if you close your eyes and concentrate, you can feel dips on his in the same position that you've pretty much permanently imprinted the shape of your teeth. When you lick at the seam of them, you can feel your tongue catch slightly on the same chapped patches your own have. When you delve in more, you can feel the scar, just below the inside of his lip, at the corner, where you have accidentally bit yourself for as long as you can remember when you're not paying enough attention to what you're doing when you're trying to eat.
It's weird. His lips feel different. His skin feels different. But at the same time, he mirrors everything about you. Because he is you.
He cards his fingers through your hair, and you gasp, the sensation so much different when somebody else does it, so much stronger when you can't feel the thick strands in between your own fingers. You return the favor by nipping at his bottom lip, hopefully in the way that you always thought would be pretty damn sexy if anyone ever decided to do it to you.
By the breathless, nasally noise the other you made, you would say you were pretty successful.
You had just a second, though, to be embarrassed on your own behalf before he was pushing back, making the both of you tumble through the air, hoodies tangling together, and you have a moment to think about how much of a bitch it's going to be to untie them if they end up knotting up before he's grabbing for your hands, trying to force them together behind your back. Which is a neat idea, you suppose, under normal circumstances, but as it was, you immediately pushed back yourself, and since you're exactly the same person, neither one of you can overpower the other. You call in a gust of wind from one side to right you, to shift you into a position of dominance, and he calls in one from the other side, only riling you and him up more as the forces clash before mingling.
He finally gives up on keeping your hands out of the way, and instead thrusts both hands into your hair, fisting and yanking sharp enough you could feel it all the way to your toes.
"Fuck!"
"Quit being such a pansy," he tosses back at you, and your torn between wanting to sneer (at your own smug face) and wanting to just laugh at the ridiculousness of everything that's happening. You settle somewhere around the middle by reaching down and copping a feel of your own ass in a move of narcissism that even Karkat would be impressed by. He laughs for you, right against your mouth, and the next thing you know, you're joining in with him.
Until he wraps his legs around your waist, and circles his hips in that way you've practiced, in secret, on your pillow, and holy shit, all the shame and embarrassment that you went through while you did it went right out the window because that was definitely something worth practicing, you are going to make some lady very happy one day with the hip swivel. Or, dude. It definitely felt good on a dude, and you were reaching the stage where as long as you got a little bit of attention, it didn't matter which gender or whatever it was coming from. Which was pretty obvious by the fact that you were, in fact, not only allowing another male to grind up against you- he's starting to get hard, and despite yourself and the situation, you could feel the blood rushing between your own legs, stiffening up your own cock-, who was not only a dude, but you.
You were bumping and grinding with yourself. It is simultaneously the coolest and most pathetic thing you have ever done in your entire life.
You jerk your hips up, once, twice, and you've never been able to get much friction when you were wearing the ultra soft godly pajama pants, but suddenly when they rub against equally soft fabric, it catches and slides just the perfect amount, absolutely sinfully pleasurable, you can barely process the fact that the hard thing rubbing up against your hip is, in fact, an erection. It feels like… nothing, actually. Not anything in particular, not through four layers of clothes. Probably for the best. This is not something that you want to over think.
You both easily settle on a rhythm (duh, of course you do), and you squeeze the curve of his ass under your hands. Later, you'll have to question why you never feel very confident about your own looks, especially your hips and rear end which had always been too wide in your own not so humble opinion, but when you're grabbing at the ass that isn't attached to you, it doesn't feel too bad. Yeah, you can still notice he's a bit wide in the hips for a guy, but not nearly as terrible as you always imagined it to be. Who would've guessed that having a quickie with yourself could actually be pretty good for your sense of self confidence?
It's insane, it really is. He mouths at your neck, accidentally grazing it with his teeth, and you're spinning, spiraling around, but the weightless, dizzy, vulnerable feeling of that doesn't detract, only adds, and you're rutting against each other almost mindlessly, grunting and groaning in stereo, and you both finish embarrassingly quickly, shuddering against each other, lowering down towards the ground slowly, like a deflating balloon. Two deflating balloons that totally just got each other off, and also happened to be the same balloon.
"Yo...!" You turn your head, looking for where the call came from, only to realize that you had some how ended up upside down- the tails of your hoods were tangled up around your left ankle, you also notice- and you jerk yourself up, making the other you groan and kick you in the shin. You pinch his side, even as you squint your eyes at the red blob in the distance that you think is Dave. Oh. Fuck, yeah, he and Jade were right there, weren't they. You really didn't think this through very well. "Y'all fall asleep fightin', or were y'all fuckin? Answer quick, now. You were fucking, right? Tell me you were, oh please tell me, I'mma gonna get some nice shiny boondollars in my pocket." He doesn't wait for an answer before he turns to Jade, holding out his hand towards her. "Just go ahead and cough up the dough, Harley, I so clearly won this bet."
"...Oh my God, why did I let you talk me into this?" You cut your eyes towards yourself, snorting as he grabbed onto your knees, pulling himself up and pushing you down at the same time, giving himself space to work on untangling the knot that your hoods had made of themselves.
"Wow, because you really put up a whole lot of a fight about it, didn't you?"
He opened his mouth to retort, when you suddenly felt something grab your ass, and you yelp, almost kicking yourself in the face- "Hey, watch it!!!"-, twisting around only to see a disembodied hand wiggling in the air. An awfully familiar looking disembodied hand.
"Nope. Nope, that's it, I'm done, I'm gone."
You fly off, away from Dave, away from Jade, away from your own hand, dragging yourself with you, kicking and complaining, but you know what?
Screw him.