Chapter Text
I was well aware that, in retrospect to everyone around me, I was useless. The thought made me wince – no one liked to acknowledge their own failures – but I wasn’t one to ignore what was punching me in the face. Quite literally.
I managed to duck this time, hitting the floor as Mikasa swung at empty air in a frighteningly fast speed. Her fist met the space where my cheek used to be. Now, my cheek was pressed against the scratchy carpet as my knees tucked up to my chest. Protecting myself from anything potentially fatal was my first priority. Dignity was a far cry at this point.
I gave myself a moment to breathe before rolling onto my back and staring up at my sister. “Stop!”
Mikasa, technically, wasn’t my sister. But she had been part of my family for so long that it felt wrong to call her anything otherwise. She was also effectively kicking my ass right now.
She let out a heavy breath and stared down at me. From this angle, her face was shadowed, her hair just as dark as the expression in her eyes. “Give me one reason why I should?”
I hesitated. “Because I’m your baby brother and I, uh, love you?”
She gave me an unreadable look before putting her knee to my cheek. I, again, resumed the position of face pressed against the floor, trying to slap her leg away with my elbows. “Blood is thicker than water.”
“Yes and that blood is currently staining the carpe- hey! That doesn’t even make sense!”
Mikasa grabbed me by the front of my shirt, pulling me up easily so our noses almost touched and gave me the filthiest glare she could muster. I’d like to say that I handled it, no problem, but the only reason I didn’t look away was because I felt, if I did, my eyeballs would drop out or something. Instead, I just sweated profoundly as she hissed, “Neither does picking a fight with a Sina Academy gang. One against – what was it again, Eren? Six? Seven?”
“Five,” I mumbled, struggling against her grip. “And I’m okay, I got out alive. What’s the big deal?” Without warning, she dropped me back to the floor and stepped away from me, sighing. I rubbed my shoulder – the body part that hit the ground first – as I got up once again. Mikasa had been beating me up without saying a word since we got into our apartment and I hadn’t been able to get a word in edgeways. I think that summed up our sibling relationship pretty well.
“The big deal is that if me and Jean hadn’t shown up, you would probably be in hospital. Or dead. I’m trying to figure out, out of all the scenarios, which one is worse?” She gave me a pitied look. Mikasa had always been very good at masking her emotions so it was strange to see her deliberately twist her face to look at me like I was an ugly bug she had already stepped on that had the survival rate of 0.
I rolled my eyes. “Jeez, sis, tell me how you really feel. And why did you bring Jean along? I’m not gonna hear the end of it-”
“Jean saved your ass!”
“Jean is an ass!”
“You know, Eren” – her eye just twitched, uh oh – “maybe if you didn’t hate everyone with so much insistence, people would actually, ya know, like you. Maybe.”
I waved off her comment with indifference and staggered to the couch, exercising my jaw which clicked several times after the beating I had endured. “Yeah, yeah. What were you doing with that guy anyway? You guys aren’t-”
“I’m going to go make dinner,” Mikasa interrupted as she drifted towards the door, her tone as stony as the expression on her face. “Please refrain from coming into the kitchen. I may throw a cleaver in your direction, if you do so.”
Seeing no use in responding, I laid back on the couch. I briefly wondered about if I had a concussion. The guys from Sina had got in a few good punches, I’d hand them that, but Mikasa was the threat here. I rolled my tongue over my teeth and was relieved to find them all there. There was no harm in checking. I’m fairly sure she knocked out two from the guy that had probably given me ugly chest bruises.
The thing about Mikasa was that she was always right. I shouldn’t have thrown the first punch. I should’ve sailed straight past those stupid Academy guys with closed ears. I should’ve ignored them. I should’ve let them say whatever they wanted about me because, even if they were clearly outside our school’s gate looking for trouble, I would suffer the consequences of giving it to them.
But that was the other thing. I hadn’t turned and fixed my glare on the one that was sniggering the loudest because of myself. Truth be told, I’d had people outright laugh into my face. A few snickers at my spine were hardly going to cripple me. I’d like to believe I was stronger than that.
No, they could’ve said anything about me, anything in the world, and it would’ve probably been okay. But once they realised how little their jokes affected me (“Look at him, what’s an ugly shit!” “Can’t even dress themselves, can they, these Maria lot?” “Hey, stop ignoring us, you ass!” “Gay boy, we’re talking to you!”), they seemed to deflate a little and that made me feel triumphant.
Until they spotted Armin.
I knew it would happen as soon as my best friend came running out of the gate. The constant breeze has made his usually perfect hair dishevelled, only resulting in the guy looking even younger. He was clutching several folders to his chest and was half running towards Eren, a look of excitement etched on his still-childish face. If we had been in any other situation, I would have smiled and waved him over, maybe teased him about his “new hairstyle” before letting him launch it to whatever new discovery he had worked out today. The kid was a genius. Or a prodigy. I wasn’t too sure which one was the proper term for him. But Armin had the brains, Mikasa had the looks and I’d like to think I had the strength, in our un-troublesome trio but that would probably go to Mikasa too. Like I said, useless.
Anyway, Armin hadn’t noticed those guys, mouth stretched into an open grin. And I suppose that felt the worst; I knew he was going to get hurt and I could do nothing but watch, at this point, as he went from on top of the world to the ground.
Literally.
It was a typical asshole move. They all sniggered as he hurried past and, before I could even yell out for Armin, the leader of the group stuck out his foot (the body part I vowed to break) and tripped my best friend up.
People consider anger as irrational and thoughtless but I think that’s wrong. To truly be angry, you need to know what you’re angry at. You need to think about that anger, weigh it on your shoulders, before reaching a conclusion.
I was full aware as my best friend fell. I was fully aware as his folders landed around him, spilling out sheets that were immediately attracted to the passing breeze, as the rest of them lay under Armin, giving him useless wings. I was fully aware of the laughter of the Sina students. I was fully aware of the tears in Armin’s eyes and the smirk that formed in response to them from the leader of the gang.
And my conclusion was to clench my hand into a fist and slam it into the face of the guy who tripped Armin up.
Of course, I knew it was only me against five other guys but I wasn’t going to let them walk away with the idea that they could hurt people as innocent as Armin and get away with it. Their school taught them nothing about discipline so I had to do my duty as a Maria student and try to dislodge some teeth. It was only fair, right?
Sadly, it only took the other guys a few minutes to process what was happening and, although I managed to punch the guy a few times and mess up his stupidly gelled up hair, I was still restrained and punched multiple times. Then Mikasa and Jean showed up, just as the teachers had been informed. I suppose it wasn’t the best time for me being held back by Mikasa and Jean as I screamed at the now terrified Sina guys that I was going to kill them all. Note that they weren’t terrified of me but of my sister and her freakish skills with her fist. I was good, everyone could agree on that, but she was a monster. And Jean wasn’t half bad either (I knew this from personal experience; we beat each other up on the second of our days as sophomore students.)
The process after that was painful and dull. I was taken to the nurse to be patched up whilst Mikasa took responsibility. By the time I was let out to explain myself, the decision had been made: I was sentenced to a weeklong suspension from school and to-be-discussed community service upon my return. I didn’t even get given the chance to tell them about Armin. It bothered me immensely that they overlooked the fact that these guys were clearly provoking our students outside our gates but, thanks to the week away, Mr Owen would have to wait for my case. I had time to prepare it but talk about injustice. High school was the biggest practical joke of my life.
Armin had cried and held my hand at the infirmary, as I winced and moaned my way through the whole process of cleaning my wounds and bandaging me up. The nurse was a harsh woman but I figured she had a soft spot for me. I’d seen her work place more often than not. I told Armin it was okay, he didn’t need to apologise but he only cried harder as he hugged me, getting my blood on his usually spotless white shirt.
I felt bad – for Mikasa having to clean up after me again and for Armin crying over me – but I didn’t regret it. That’s why I never stopped. No matter the trouble it caused, I’d do it again because, though it was troublesome, it was the right thing to do.
*
We ate dinner in silence. Mikasa had learnt to cook as soon as we found out about Mom. Today, we had vegetable lasagne. It was one of my favourites so I figured this was Mikasa’s way of apologising without apologising. You know, “I’m sorry I hit you in the face constantly even though you’ve already been hit enough for one day – or one year – but I’m not gonna say sorry properly because you deserved it so here, have some food.” Whatever. I was hungry.
Even when we were mad at each other, cleaning up was an unspoken rule. It was Thursday so it was Mikasa’s turn to watch (yes, we had a schedule.) As she did, I dried. She finished quickly, whilst I was putting away some cups, and spoke first, “I’m going out.”
“Hm,” was my minimal response.
“Wanna come?”
My grudge died then. Mikasa had stopped asking me to join her when she went out after I pushed Jean into a park’s duck pond. I had 0 tolerance for Jean and she had 0 tolerance for me. Wow, she must really feel bad.
I didn’t turn. She would read my expression and start bullying again, if she knew I wasn’t mad at her. I simply continued drying. “Come where?”
“Marco’s having a party.”
It run a bell but didn’t alarm. “Marco?”
“You know? Tall, dark, freckled?” I didn’t respond. Mikasa sighed. “He’s Jean’s best friend-”
Poor guy. “Count me out. I’ve got dishes to dry.”
I can practically hear the eye roll. “Suit yourself. Don’t wait up.”
I glance back over my shoulder to her pulling on her favourite scarf. “I might go see Pixis anyway.”
Mikasa met my eyes with an unreadable expression. “Good idea. You can tell him why you got suspended. Again.”
I ignored her and turned back to the dishes. “Bye.”
Mikasa took the hint and replied, with a sigh, “Goodbye, Eren. Lock the door when you leave.” I don’t turn around until I hear the door slam.
I spend the next few minutes drying the dishes before grabbing a zip up hoodie and heading out towards Pixis’ bar. It was a five minute walk and the weather out is nice and cool. The calm before the storm was nothing compared to the calm after versus your inner turmoil. High school wasn’t the biggest practical joke in my life actually – everything was. My life was one big practical joke.
I whistled under my breath as I drew nearer to the bar. It was in plain eyesight now and there were a crowd of people just hanging outside, talking loudly, smoking and… singing?
Is this another practical joke?
I blinked at the sign above the doorway, labelling the place The Rose Wall. It was Pixis’ bar but the people hanging about only looked a few years older than me and that was definitely not a normal occurrence.
What the hell is going on?
Surprisingly, inside the bar itself, it was not too busy. The regulars were still sat drinking but they looked unimpressed at the unfamiliar faces pulling up chairs and laughing too loudly in the quiet bar.
I elbowed past a group of girls that were giggling in a manner that made me double check that they were even legal to be here. They seemed to be – the one I elbowed glared at me whilst her two friends ran their eyes down me before returning to their conversation with disinterest – so I hurried towards the counter, where Thomas was polishing a glass absentmindedly. “Thomas! What’s going on?”
He jumped a little and blinked a few times before grinning at me. Thomas had worked at the bar for the past three years and, admittedly, I liked the guy a lot. He was funny and didn’t try to hit on Mikasa, unlike most of the other workers here. He also had interesting sideburns. “Hey, Eren. Long time no see.”
I rolled my eyes in response. “You know, school.”
“I feel ya,” Thomas laughed good-naturedly. “We got a band playing.”
I hitched myself up onto a stool. “A band?”
“Yeah. The Corps.”
I raised my eyebrows at the name. “Corpse? That’s morbid.”
“No, no. Corps like c-o-r-p-s,” he corrected me, leaning down to put the glass away and replacing it with another.
“Oh. Are they any good?” I observed another group burst into the bar. This group was a majority of guys and all of them were decked in long black coats and heavy boats. Their piercings and crazy hair clashed with the calming wooden manner of the whole bar. It was a bizarre sight.
“Apparently. They usually play clubs but they’ve been hanging out here more often. That’s all you’ve missed, to be honest.”
“All of a sudden? Why?” It wasn’t like they had much to gain, coming to a bar like this, if they were such a hip and cool band. With fans.
Thomas shrugged; he did that a lot. “Probably because they’re having troubles with the place where they normally go to whine about groupies. Who knows? Pixis doesn’t care. He just needs business and they bring it in.”
I flinched at the reason I came here in the first place. “Where is the old man anyway?”
“Out back. Want me to go call him for ya?”
See what I mean? Thomas was just a regular helpful guy. “Please.”
Noticing my expression, Thomas paused. He squinted at me with knowing eyes. “You okay, Eren?”
I gulped, unable to hide the fear from my face. “Doomed.”
“Ah, shit.” Thomas wasn’t an idiot. He’d seen this play out many, many times before. He simply took the glass in his palms and filled it with coke before sliding it over to me, his lips turned up in a sympathetic smile. “On me. Best of luck, buddy. I’ll go get him.”
“Thanks.”
Thomas leaves me to sip my coke as I continue to observe all the new faces. Most of them were students, some of which were dressed in gothic clothing but most were sporting the typical student look of t-shirts and jeans. However, quite a lot of the girls had tried a little harder, it seemed, suggesting they were planning to hit the clubs after this. Though Pixis was quite popular with the locals, he mostly aimed for the older folk in this side of Trost. He had put up with me for years; I doubted the sight of so many “youngsters” made him feel anything other than wariness. Pixis was a cool guy, for an old man – when he wasn’t threatening to knock shot glasses over your head.
I rubbed the back of my head, grimacing at the memory of the last time I got suspended from school. Not nice.
My thoughts distracted me from the sight of a girl who had wandered close by. I figured this was a good of a chance as any. “Hey!” She turned towards me. She didn’t look that much older than me and was pretty cute, in a way that I couldn’t find myself attracted to but could appreciate. “Have you seen this band before?”
“The corps?” As she came nearer, I noticed the freckles doted over her nose and her blue-grey eyes. Her light brown hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her clothes – jean shorts and a cream sweater – suggested that she was simply here for a couple of hours. She smiled at me with a friendliness I admired. If anyone had asked me a question, I probably would have looked at them with the eyes of a killer.
The girl sat down next to me as she continued, “Yep, quite a few times. They’re so good and Irvin is wow.” If I had felt any ounce of attraction to the girl, it was lost. Emphasizing every other word was my pet peeve.
“Irvin?”
“The guitarist. I’m guessing you’ve never seen them?” I shook my head and she jumped to her feet, grinning. “Come on.” Before I could say a word, she seized hold of my wrist and pulled me after her. My protests quickly died out in the noise of all the people suddenly littering the free space. I considered yanking my hand away but figured that, if I couldn’t do anything else for everyone, I could at least try to be a little nicer.
She led me to a table near the stage where another girl and guy were sat. They were sliding an empty glass between them, talking pretty calmly compared to most of the occupants of the tables nearby. I decided I liked them already.
“Hey, guys,” the girl beside me called and the two lifted their heads towards us. “Meet…” She looked back at me with a smile. “Sorry, I never got your name!”
She’s also really enthusiastic when she talks. Definitely not going to be summer romance. “Eren.”
“I’m Kim.” Despite the lack of fuzzy feelings, Kim was pretty lovely. “Guys, meet Eren. He’s seeing The Corps for the first time.”
“Oh, boy, you’re in for a ride,” the other girl said, with a laugh. Her hair was cut short, to her chin, and pitch black. Her eyes were outlined heavily in black but her clothes were, again, simple, from what I could see over the table – a jumper with a band logo on it. She looked fitting for the situation and I smiled at her as she extended her hand so I could shake it. “I’m Maddie. Take a seat.” I did as I was told.
Kim sat down beside the boy. He was almost pretty, in a way a guy would normally be ashamed to be. His face was gentle, almost, his eyes brown and bright. His auburn hair was probably the same length as mine, a little shorter perhaps, but looked soft and doesn’t fall over his eyes in the irritating way that mine does. There was something angelic about him.
Until he grinned. Then he looked like he fit right in with Maddie and her dark exterior. “Lucas.” He winked at me and I blinked back in response. What was I supposed to say to that?
Kim elbowed him and he yelped, questioning her glare with a look of confusion. “What?”
“Stop teasing him, you creep!”
They began bickering in a way that reminded me of me and Jean. I quickly pushed away the thought. Jean was a buzz kill, even in my mind. I’d handle him when I got back to school.
“So, first time, huh? You listen to much music?” Maddie’s question almost seemed like a threat.
“Not too avidly,” I admitted sheepishly and Maddie smiled, almost fondly, at the response. I scratched the back of my neck. “I can appreciate though.”
“I like you already, Eren.”
That was a weird feeling so I just smiled back at her, in what I hoped as an uninviting but thankful way. Maddie didn’t seem like my summer romance type either.
Maddie turned away to cut through the argument across the table. “Hey, Kim, did you find out?”
“Yeah, I think they’ve been here for a while. I was going to tell everyone waiting that it was pointless but, eh, let them wait in the cold. Gets us a nice view of the stage.”
“Of Irvin, you mean.” Lucas wiggled his eyebrows and Kim elbowed him again. “Stop doing that!”
“Unlike you, I actually like the music. You’re only here for Levi!” When Kim argued, her bottom lip jutted out a little, giving her the look of a stubborn child. It was amusing.
“Ah, my one true love!” Lucas proclaimed dramatically, clutching his heart.
“Levi?” I echoed the name. “Who’s that?”
They all responded at once.
“I just said!”
“The star of the show. The boy is fine.” Maddie stretched the last word into a moan.
Kim smiled kindly, being the only one to answer properly. “The lead singer, Eren. He’s crazy talented. A little intimidating though.”
“He?” I looked at Lucas and fixed the puzzle in my mind. Lucas winked at the recognition and I blushed at my obviousness. “Oh.”
Lucas chuckled. “Eren’s gets it. And he’s not intimidating, he’s hot.”
“And intimidating,” Kim insisted.
“That’s because he don’t dig chicks.”
“Hey, no use of that word when describing females or I’ll chop off your balls with a box cutter! Besides, don’t flatter yourself. I doubt he swings your way,” Maddie said, sticking her tongue out at her friend.
I watched their exchange of easy banter silently.
“Come on, no self-respecting guy would wear jeans that tight.”
“I never said he was straight. I’m saying he’d never go for you.”
“Hey!”
“Besides, don’t make rumours. You know they never go anywhere anyway.”
I broke my silence. “Why?”
Lucas put a finger to his lips before using his forefinger to reel me closer. I leant across the table as he places his mouth next to my ear and murmured, “Bad things happen.”
“Like what?”
Suddenly, he jerked his head to the side so he was eye to eye with me. “They… disappear.”
“What?” The word came out in a higher pitch than normal. Lucas burst out laughing, even as Maddie and Kim hit him over the head. I blushed harder at falling for his joke but couldn’t help but laugh along once the two girls joined in. It felt better than letting them laugh at me, that was for sure.
“Ignore him, he’s a dork,” Maddie said, rolling her eyes.
“Hey!” Lucas had a habit of using that word. “It could be true. The rumours just stop after a while.”
“He has a lot of friends.” Kim shrugged “He probably got them to go make the losers like you soil their underpants so hard, they’d never speak again.”
“A lot of friends, I might add,” Maddie announced, “that he would rather fuck than you.”
Lucas pulled a face at that before looking at me. “Eren, tell me the truth – would you bang me?”
“Uh…” This is why I don’t talk to people often.
“Leave the straight guy alone, you ass- look! It’s starting!”
Lucas’ question forgotten, we all turned towards the stage. The tables surrounding us were all filled with eager guests, a hush falling over everyone as the lights of room dimmed and a simple spotlight illuminated a microphone in its stand and a stool behind it. I wondered briefly if the band had cancelled – this looked like a stage for some acoustic country singer – but my thoughts fled as someone walked onto the stage.
There was an immense amount of cheering but my concentration blocked it out. There was only one table in front of us and it didn’t really block the view of the guy that was ignoring the crowd as he walked towards the stool
“Fuck off, Kim. He’s gay. He has to be. Look at that ass. Look at those legs. God, I want him to-” Lucas was cut off by Kim’s elbow again, though I wasn’t too sure; I was too transfixed on who I assumed was Levi to look back and see.
The first obvious thing I noticed was that this guy was short. Probably about 5ft and a bit. That was shorter than Armin. The second thing was that the height didn’t matter. It should have been comical. The girls – and Lucas – in the crowds shouldn’t have been swooning. He should have been the kind of guy that got bullied a lot in school and was more often than not ducking his head and shying out of situations. But he wasn’t.
He carried himself, not with confidence but with normality. He simply got on with whatever he planned to do. And right now, that was lean against the stool and, finally, spare the crowd a glance.
The third thing I noticed, as his cool, thin grey eyes swept the people sat down with no expression whatsoever, was that he was ridiculously hot. Pale white skin, bleached under the heavy lights, short black hair in a neat cut that appeared shaved shorter at the back, though I couldn’t see clearly from the angle we were sat at. Despite his height, he had built shoulders and muscled arms that strained against the sleeves of his white button-up shirt. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans – extremely tight, as Lucas so lovingly noticed – black braces pulled over his shoulders, a ruffled white cravat around his neck and some black boots. If nothing else, he played the part of the lead singer pretty well.
I heard Lucas’ sharp intake of breath when Levi’s eyes found our table. I could hear him murmuring to Kim and Maddie excitedly (“he’s looking at me, guys!” “oh my gosh!” “is my hair okay?”) but, as vain as it seemed, it felt as though Levi’s eyes – bottomless grey, heavy without expression, alert without interest – were on me.
The sensation was as quick as the locking of our gazes. My chest tightened and I wondered how I was supposed to react, as I stared back, open mouthed, flushing in confusion and irritation at myself for not knowing what to do in social situations like this. Only when he continued past me could I let out a shaky breath, unaware of the people that noticed or, more commonly, didn’t notice the exchange. I didn’t turn back towards the others, aware of the fact that my neck up to my ears were still pink.
What even was that?
Levi turned his head to the side of the stage, where a tall guy (not even in comparison to Levi; this guy was just tall) came up with a guitar strapped over a body that was making the crowd go wild. It didn’t take a genius to work out this was Irvin – even Kim was squealing. I could see why though. The guy was handsome – not hot, not pretty but all blonde hair, nicely structured face and fit body. He looked like the kinda guy you’d see jogging every night. He looked pretty badass in his dark jeans and black t-shirt but the right haircut and a suit and he would be destined to be the teacher at school that everyone loved and the girls (and Lucas) would fall head over heels for.
Still, whilst Irvin had the crowd’s love for his almost too perfect everything, he didn’t have the appeal that Levi did. Though he sure does smile a lot more. He even waves. I think Kim needs an inhaler.
Levi gestured at the microphone stand, leaning towards Irvin to say something, before sitting down on the stool, crossing his leg in a motion that only made everyone (including me) notice his muscled legs. He didn’t even acknowledge the love struck sighs from the crowd, simply watched Irvin set up his guitar before grabbing the stand with a large hand.
“Hey, guys.”
Everyone said “hello” back, some a little more clearly than others. He laughed easily and I decided that this crowd stuff was something I didn’t want to be part of. They all reacted far too loudly. Couldn’t they let the poor guy speak? He did have a nice laugh though, I’d give him that. “How are you all tonight?” More annoying reactions. Cross off famous person from my list of things-to-try-to-not-be-useless-at. This shit is annoying. “Good, good! Right, we did plan a full on show but, uh, Mike isn’t feeling too great and Hanji’s babysitting him. So me and Levi here” – insert more screaming that I’m sure Levi rolled his eyes at – “are just gonna play a few acoustic songs. You guys cool with that?”
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. “Just play the god damn songs already!”
Everyone’s eyes turned, looking for the source of the voice. I thanked the stars for my dark hoodie and dark hair; I camouflaged well. I even pretended to look around myself. Maybe acting wasn’t a terrible choice for me, despite the screaming fans.
Irvin chuckled again and I pretended he sounded a little relieved. “Good plan.” He took the mic of the stand and turned to hand it to Levi.
Who was staring right at me.
I take it back. Acting is not the path for me.