Chapter Text
yoongi is sad and petty and very drunk. so he does this stupid thing he usually does, when he just leaves the party without warning anyone and runs away no matter how fucked up he feels or how reckless this is. yoongi is sick of this shit, he moves only on the energy of his pent up anger and he knows this (him fleeing away from all his friends) would not end up with anything good. he will probably lose his wallet or his phone, or wake up in a shitty apartment at the other end of the town, or get stabbed somewhere in an alley. it's not like it really happened before, but every time yoongi feels like he is getting really close.
today might be the day.
yoongi has friends but he has troubles talking to them about all the deep shit. he is okay with listening, he can listen to his friends talk about stuff that they have on their mind, he can even give some half assed advice, pretend like he understands and/or knows what to do in this situation. but every time those intimate talks happen, his mind goes numb and he is completely lost in his thoughts and has nothing to say about himself. so he just listens.
he listens to the stories about heartbreaks, about abortions, about cheaters and fuckboys, about shitty families and everything else. his friends have life like those "skins" kids had while yoongi's life is nothing like this.
after wandering off far enough from the party that he doesn’t know where he is, yoongi finds himself near a 7/11 shop. so he goes in, buys a can of red bull and then goes back outside. it's three in the morning so there is no people at all, and yoongi just sits down in the middle of the parking lot because why the fuck not.
the reason why he is sad and angry and everything else on top is… well, it’s hard to explain. his feelings are too much for him to handle at the moment and he tries not to think about anything at all. which is hard when you are pro of thinking too much™. yoongi thinks more than winona ryder thinks. he thinks about thinking too much too much. so now he just tries to calm himself down.
if yoongi told anyone how much he thinks, no one would have believed him. because he comes across as a very chill, aloof and even cold person. "but you are so chill!" they would say.
he is as far away from being chill as possible. he is as far away from chill as crying alone in your bed, comparing yourself to others constantly and truly hating being alive is. because he does all those things almost every day of his life.
his phone chimes a few times and yoongi struggles pulling it out of his back pocket. there are few texts from taehyung and one from hoseok and they all ask where he is. well, hoseok asks where yoongi is. taehyung just sents him five photos of his pouting face (four where he is alone and one ft jungkook).
yoongi decides that this is not worth replying and gets up from the ground. he is going to have a little walk, listen to some music and get calm. and go home. just like he always does.
parties are really not his thing. well, he loves all the things they consist of: his friends, music, weed, alcohol – but when it’s all mixed together it doesn’t work out as great as he thinks it could. too many people together at one place is already a frightening thing for yoongi but when they get drunk, dramatic shit happens, and yoongi just hates it. today he was involved in dramatic shit too, even though no one noticed, because it was all in his head. and the fact that it is all in his head makes it stupid. more stupid than it really is.
so the thing is that yoongi is a very reserved person. most of the time he stays to himself and only on a very rare occasions he comes out of his shell and talks to his three friends. which is really weird to him, like, he would never thought that he could have ever have three friends. like, three people who give a shit. back in high school yoongi had one friend and it was his pet rat and it hated him and was biting him every time he tried to pet it. so, having three friends was a big boost in popularity for yoongi. now he is like a part of the beatles or something.
except for the pet rat yoongi had another friend in high school, who would have never guessed that he was one of yoongi's best friends. kim seokjin had talked to him when they had English class together, so it means he talked to yoongi two times a week. for two years. so, they talked approximately 140 times. and it was always in English because it was part of the task, but still it was good, even though yoongi barely could put two words together and seokjin was constantly correcting himself.
seokjin looked very awkward in 10th grade, with an awful haircut and stupid looking glasses. then in 11th grade he suddenly got very hot and started wearing contacts and made something with his hair so they looked normal (or better than normal) and yoongi got a crush on him. of course he did. and every English class became a real torture for him where he was suffering from being too close to seokjin and also from simply being. he was short and looked like he was 13 and it was really stupid.
and then they graduated and seokjin even hugged yoongi at the graduation, and yoongi was dreaming about telling seokjin how he feels for the whole summer after this.
however, he didn't see seokjin later. didn’t even hear from him. and completely forgot. he spent three years of his life free from having a crush at someone, which was very liberating. and he didn't think about this stupid and shameful part of his life until seokjin showed up at the party where yoongi was just chilling with his friends like a chill person he appears to be. and seokjin fucked yoongi's life right up at the same moment he walked into the room because yoongi didn’t need to be reminded of his stupid feelings at all.
seokijn looked even hotter than he was in high school (well, obviously, college life does this to people; yoongi himself now looks like a normal person). he was wearing clothes that fit him in a very flattering way, he was going by the name 'jin' and he was gorgeous. he came into the room in the veni vidi vici style, charming and laughing and yoongi immediately felt very uneasy and wanted to go outside and just breathe. and he did but jin caught him on his way out and of course, of course he started talking to him.
'hey, yoongi! I'm jin. from high shool?' he said like there was a chance that yoongi wouldn’t remember him.
'oh hey, dude, didn’t see you there' yoongi said like there was a chance of him not seeing jin.
'hell, I wouldn’t think of seeing you here' jin smiled and oh, yoongi liked that smile more than anything, because he only had feelings for jin and he never got them for anyone else and now they were as strong as they were back when he was 18. he had dated two people while he was in college, and even said 'I love you' once, but it was oh so not sincere. the only real thing he felt towards another person was this warmth and this attraction he felt looking at jin. and it was really fucking stupid, wasn't it?
'no shit' said yoongi calmly not letting his thoughts reflect on his face.
'are you studying here?' asked jin, still smiling and yoongi just nodded. 'my boyfriend namjoon is a linguistics major here, and he brought me along to the party!' jin pointed over to the tall guy with dyed hair and yoongi looked briefly. namjoon waved at them and yoongi remembered that he was rushing out to get some fresh air. he felt like the walls were closing in.
'oh well that’s great but I gotta go' he said to jin not even looking at him and left.
shit, fuck, fucking shit, is thinking yoongi now, shit, fucking fuck, pretty fucked up it is for him that jin is still alive, looking great and going to parties with his tall dumb boyfriend.
how fucking stupid It is. yoongi walks in a vague direction of his home and playing different songs on his playlist trying to find one to distract him from thinking about him being alone and stupid, and jin, and jin's tall boyfriend, and his own stupid boring life where his high school crush takes such a big part.
he doesn’t find it.